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 Serenity73157
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 26
The human doormat syndromePage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
coca no it does not. I'm totally independent and have been for years. Foot wiper might mean co-dependent though. A doormat is the rock for those in need. Someone that is co-dependent is the exact opposite, they rely on the doormat.
 rollergrrl
Joined: 6/12/2006
Msg: 27
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/28/2006 7:16:02 PM
A human doormat is a person who is always available to friends, family, s/o's and other loved ones. They will listen to a person's problems without fail, give advice and hold the other person's hand through life's trials and tribulations. It doesn't matter what sex the doormat is or the sex of person in need. This is a trait/syndrome that both sexes suffer from.




this doesn't sound like a doormat, it sounds like a friend. certainly not something one "suffers" from
 Traveling Man MS
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 28
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/28/2006 7:22:13 PM
I would make sure never to buy a T-shirt with the world "WELCOME" on the front, if I were you.

I agree with several of the posters in that you can certainly change and be a little more logical about your "doormattedness". Go ahead and continue to he a caring, helpful person, but don't continue to allow people to take advantage of you. Remember, they are only taking advantage of you when you feel that they are and you will know when you feel that. Relationships are either symbiotic, parasitic or indifferent. The ultimate is symbiotic, parasitic has a negative connotation but in actuality it may fulfill both people, indifferent is the worse in my opinion. You'll know when people are indifferent to you, you will feel terrible. Not that I think you want advice necessarily, mine would be to just always be aware of motivations, both yours and the other person's and if you can both gain then it can't be all terrible.
 Seychelle
Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 29
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History
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/28/2006 7:37:47 PM
Well, the thing is, once you realize that a certain behavior is a problem; then, is time to do something about it. Human doormats are easy to spot because they are usually the ones walking around with everyone's footprints all over them, from an emotional standpoint that is.
 Practically Housebroken
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 30
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/28/2006 7:47:27 PM
I am and always will be there for my family and friends no matter what. Maybe this is a naive attitude but that’s just me. You may call it a doormat – I call it loyal. Funny thing, it’s exactly what I get in return.
 rollergrrl
Joined: 6/12/2006
Msg: 31
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/28/2006 7:51:54 PM
amen practically housebroken

too bad more people don't think like that
 yadamnskippy
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 32
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/28/2006 7:57:00 PM
Ive always considered myself a pleasure or for the lack of a better term a doormat...it stems from our past and alot of it has to do with the fact that we could never please our parents or that we are children of alcholics..in my battle not to be a doormat i have become cynical, untrusting and downright mean when i say no! i wont do it..but the guilt sets in and i have to make atones..so in other words, i feel ya..just wanted to share
 SimplyPeachy
Joined: 2/26/2006
Msg: 33
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/28/2006 8:04:34 PM
Worthy topic indeed!!

I have come to the conclusion, I have a choice: To GIVE and feel the reward through the smile of another and the ease of another upon receiving OR WITHOLD, only dreaming of giving to others, in time rendering me bitter and disappointed....

I think people are either givers or receivers by nature. I do believe there is much to be said about balance somewhere in there...but how can someone balance 'receiving' when they cannot control another's giving?

That is the trick (fine line) -- receiving without expecting. And as a very wise poster stated....it's NOT always linear. Unfortunately, when a giver needs giving....they often find themselves empty with no refueling in sight. BUT -- and this has been an important lesson for me -- WE CAN GIVE TO OURSELVES!! Just as much as we do for others. We just have to figure out how and what and when!! Once we've nailed down how, what, and when to refuel ourselves....WE HAVE ARRIVED!! Once we've nailed this down NON-LINEAR receiving can be seen and felt EVERYWHERE!!

I cannot tell you how many times I've felt drawn out, disappointed, and sucked of life from people I've given freely to....but I cannot count how blessed I've been in life either. Sometimes, disproportionately so. Nothing makes sense, but everything in these moments. When you see the non-linear reward of being decent and good. I do not believe the life I have sometimes. People on the outside looking toward me don't get it either. Some funky strange great things happen all the bloody time. But I do believe it's because I give and love unconditionally; I've learned how to take care of my own mental and physical well-being; and I refuse to harden no matter how many times I am disappointed along the way. That is being blessed.

MANY MANY MANY bananas for the givers. And hugs for the doormats. ONLY YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOU!! But whatever you do, don't stop giving...just refuel!!

Bless.

 yankeebackinthe north
Joined: 9/28/2006
Msg: 34
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/29/2006 5:07:09 AM
Like Piano says, I also reconciled with myself that I am in no way a doormat just because I have gone out of my way to help others, be it a kind word, or giving them something they need. I didn't know to call it a catalyst, but that is the perfect description. I can derive happy contentment just knowing that I may have altered somebody's life path in a positive way, kind of like the butterfly effect. Its an act of giving, which by definition, means not having any expectation of a return. Some that hear you are a giver will blast you as a doormat. A major distinction that I have made is that there is a big difference between giving something vs. something being taken. As soon as someone takes, giving is no longer in the equation, because they made it so. True giving is really just helping others. I believe that if you be a good person and you help others whenever you can, then you are making God real happy.
 METALLlC BLUE
Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 35
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/29/2006 5:31:34 AM
I usually help [if I can] just about everyone who crosses my path seeking sincere help, though most don't realize I've helped them until long after.

Some get offended somewhere inbetween asking for help and being helped, because the fact is -- many people who ask for help [Not all, but many], ask because they don't actually want help, they simply want someone to reinforce their current pattern, validate them, and help them to stay where they are -- even if where they are doesn't serve them and places them at a disadvantage.

Most people don't consciously choose this, but it is "really" what happens. To truly help the helpless, the key is to think scientifically, and empirically. This means observing, creating hypothesis, and asking questions, and making assumptions which guide or confront the irrationality of the person occasionally.

This method does not "make people feel better." In-fact it often sends them into a rage or defensive modes, but this is sometimes necessary. Often people ask for help and someone "symbolically" throws them an aspirin by temporarily fixing the symptom of the immediate problem. I tend to uproot the cause, which can be disturbing, painful and terrifying -- but it requires a process that can take a lot of time and a lot of patience.

People are "extremely" complex -- no matter how simple they claim to be, and it requires a lot of learning and observing rather than directly interfering.

What I've just spoken of is entirely different from a doormat.

A doormat often "fixes" problems, often lending advice and a hand that sometimes isn't even asked for, creating a dependancy between the helper/helped. They give, give, and give at their own expense, even as people are depleting them -- but they do it with the intention of trying to control circumstances and people. It's a passive behavior. They often find they can't say no when they are asked, because their identity is wrapped up in dispensing aspirin, without that source of feeling empowered and in control [that others depend on them] -- they feel out of control, but the irony of it all is, they were out of control from the get go.


 Serenity73157
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 36
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/29/2006 8:26:59 AM
The posts in this thread have been very enlightning. I realize I don't have the words "wipe here" tatooed on my forehead. I guess I'm not a doormat because there are times I'll walk an extra mile to avoid a "foot wiper" in my path when I just don't feel like listening. I am a giver, will continue on that way and hope I make a small difference in the world.

I do have to say I am STILL the family doormat. I'm frustrated, aggrevated and just plain mad about the situation right now. I have a couple of serious situations going on in my life that are MINE but they are responding to like they are THEIRS. I still have to be the one to slap a smile on my face and be strong. I have to hold everything together even while it's killing me inside. It's unfair but you can't choose your family. When it comes to mine you can't talk to them logically or even yell at them and make them hear. So, I guess in this case I hold things together while dealing with the situations and continue to crumple in a heap when I get home and I'm alone.

For everyone who has said they are a giver, claim it proudly! The world would be a very sorry place without givers.
 strangebloom
Joined: 6/30/2005
Msg: 37
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/29/2006 8:33:22 AM

this doesn't sound like a doormat, it sounds like a friend. certainly not something one "suffers" from


There is not a problem with the actions... The problem comes when you prioritize everyone else over yourself. It's then that you feel walked on, used.... etc because all of your friends are so busy getting your help that they aren't there for you.

So, yes... definately do these things for friends and family... but don't lose yourself along the way... be open with them about your needs, and at some point... you do need to take breaks... we are human beings here... not human garbage disposals.
 RJB888
Joined: 11/23/2005
Msg: 38
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/29/2006 3:17:29 PM
I'm also a doormat. Most of the people I know always come to me about their lives problems wiping their crap all over me. I lend $, drive them where ever etc. But when I need for them to be there for me they are no where to be found. And if by chance I do find them before I can vent, they interrupt me with their on going issues, and it's right back to them. Now when I see certain # pop up on my caller ID I just don't answer the phone.

Just the other day I had a friend calling me crying her eyes out, couldn't hardly talk. I thought something happened to one of her kids, or parents. NO, I should have known better with this person, she was crying because she bought some ouside xmas displays and they weren't the ones she thought they were. Now when she first called I didn't answer the phone. She left VM "911". WTF 911 over Mr. And Mrs Claus. So I spent 20 minutes trying to calm her down.

Now that I see this in writting I realize I'm the dumba$$. I need therapy quick, HELP.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 39
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History
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/29/2006 3:26:43 PM
There's nothing intrinsically wrong with being a giving and generous person. It is wise to be selective in giving of yourself, your time, attention, etc. only to those who are appreciative and deserving. Those who will use you up and drain you aren't appreciative and aren't deserving. There are people who'll suck the very life out of you and try to make you feel awful for turning them down. The problem is theirs in that they can't see their own neediness.
We all have so much to give, our resources are limited. Choosing who and how much we can give to any one individual is just being wise. If we value ourselves and what we do have to give, we won't give it to just anyone.
Don't beat yourself up or feel guilty if you've allowed someone to leave you feeling drained. Your motives were good, theirs weren't. Just learn to be a bit more frugal with yourself, nothing at all wrong with that. Quite sane, actually, I've learned from allowing others to leave me feeling used up and in putting my own limitations, it's made me a happier person.
It also is a form of tough love, sometimes people need to learn to help themselves, and if someone is always there to do everything for it, they will never grow.
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 11/22/2006
Msg: 40
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/29/2006 4:35:41 PM
I was raised to treat others the way I would want them to treat me. Of course, I got gobbled up and spit out on a regular basis. My ex "whatever" told me that my problem is that I expect people to return the treatment I give to them so I set myself up to get hurt. Truth be told, I would rather be a good friend, a good listener, a shoulder to cry on than a cold and heartless, self-centred person. So what if I get "let down" by the behaviour of my fellow human beings (I use that term lightly at times....lol) from time to time. I can only be the person I am and I do not think it makes me a doormat, just a caring person. Telling someone what to do, offering up advice is something I do try to avoid because most people in crisis do not want advice....instead, I try to talk to them and ask them questions so they can find their own answers within themselves. More often than not nowadays, I make sure that I do not give away more than I can afford to give. I have also learned to pick the people I associate with much more carefully. Self-centred, insensitive, takers have no place anywhere in my vicinity. Those I must deal with on a regular basis, I am careful not to give them an inch because they simply are not deserving of my "niceness".
 justmeinnc05
Joined: 8/12/2005
Msg: 41
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/29/2006 5:59:19 PM
Yes there is something you can do about it, I have. Up until about two years ago I was the same way, but have now become very good at saying no. It just became too much. I started feeling used by everyone in my life, and now that I have learned to say no, it seems that people have more respect for me.
 oursong
Joined: 11/10/2006
Msg: 42
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/29/2006 6:11:58 PM
The Human Doormat.. something I have been reading about.

In my quest to find out why my relationships fail, and figured that it might actually have something to do with my personality. I am a pretty open person and I tend to make myself available for people when they ask. So, I thought it was only fitting to turn to a book which claims that it's advice can turn you from a doormat to a dream girl.

There were some really good points and I could actually see me making the same mistakes the doormat makes:
- being too available and going out at the last minute
- answering all phone calls with an explanation of where I was
- wanting to help alleviate some of the stress in his life (ie. listening about his ex or his job)
- giving too much of me and not taking anything back

I did these things because I was asked to and because it felt like the right thing, at the time. But the book says NO. That a guy likes to chase and to know that he does not have a 100% hold on you. It suggests women be a bit more withdrawn and do not accept last minute plans because it shows that you are at his disposal.

And, as great as this advice seems to be... I can't just stop my old ways eventhough it might be helpful. So, I guess, I know what you feel like. It's a continuous battle that I face and because I have trouble saying no when someone needs me, they persist to use me as their doormat (and this includes men, friends, family and co-workers).
 ^^Batgirl^^
Joined: 10/11/2006
Msg: 43
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/29/2006 6:23:49 PM
I am relieved I am not a doormat. This does not mean I do not have compassion...far from it.

I prefer to look at issues like a challenge...and will actually not give advice but ask questions about how the other feels they can deal with things.

Life is life...life is hard.... and sometimes we get pushed down so far that it seems we will never get up again.

I tend to brainstorm on my own.... compartmentalize issues. Take the emotion away and look at what it is for what it truly is.

I am always there for my children and they are now beginning to figure out how to deal with things better on their own.

I will not "save" people, including my girls. I would rather they learn how to work through issues.

Going on and on and on about issues is not productive and some folks just cannot let go. Perhaps it is comfortable for them to feel that life has been unfair to them and that is why everything bad always happens to them.

Rubbish I say! Get a grip, think it through, write it down and look at it completely...front, back, up, down. And then deal with it.

I often state that I am Switzerland.... unbiased.

Anyway, I prattle on far too much here. I just feel very strongly that people need to feel they are cared about, that they are important and what they feel is real.

Being a crutch and there for everyone all the time without seeing progress is just too exhausting and one might run the risk of taking on their perception of life.

Not healthy.... not by a long shot.

^^BG^^
 Serenity73157
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 44
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/29/2006 6:57:14 PM
Oursong the book you reference has an interesting take on how not to be a doormat. However, it almost sounds like playing games to me. I would hope adult men don't feel the need to continue to chase a woman and leave once the chase is over. I know there are SOME who are that way but I don't think it's the majority. Guys please chime in here on this one I'd love to hear how you feel about the concept this book puts forward.

Batgirl I solve my own problems too. I don't bail my daughter out because I feel she needs to learn things on her own. Actually she doesn't listen to me anyway because she's still a teen and as we all know teens are the smartest people in the world. LMAO There are a lot of people out there who are grown adults and still don't know how to solve their own problems. These are what I referred to as the "foot wipers." I don't think they'll EVER get it or be able to make it through life without the help of others.

I guess I would have to call these people co-dependent because they keep people in their lives so they don't have to put in any effort to help themselves, they are already being cared for. I know I'm not capable of breaking someone of co-dependency I think only a trained professional can do that. Since most don't realize or want to accept they need professional help they will always be a bother to others.
 johnglc
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 45
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/29/2006 11:13:50 PM
You'll be a doormat until you learn how to draw BOUNDRIES......

You have to learn to respect yourself enough to not ACCEPT crap that people try to put on you.Practice saying no to people,it's healthy for you.
 cminus
Joined: 8/30/2006
Msg: 46
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/29/2006 11:15:01 PM
Looks like you regret being nice all the time.

STOP IT.

You don't have to be nice all the time. You are human and need sleep, food, water and some peace once in a while. If anyone guilt trips you? you don't need their drama.

take care.
 Calibre
Joined: 11/13/2006
Msg: 47
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 11/30/2006 1:32:59 AM



I've accepted that I am a doormat. There's nothing I can do about it because it's who and what I am. I'm always out for the underdog, passing out money to people on street corners and asking "is something wrong? Can I help?"



I can't really accept this without saying anything. If you put yourself in a position to feel like a victim, you are essentially giving up and not doing anything productive to help yourself.

What you have to realize is that we are all people: We are all capable of choice, seeking answers and exhibiting strength. While i'm entirely too cognizant that there are times where good people need help, if you live a life where you give yourself away again and again to get nothing in return, you're going to feel empty and used up...

My point is, is that you are independant, strong, and capable of helping other people with their problems. Yet, here are these people coming to you with their issues. It is ok to care and to help; but they have it within themselves to do what is BEST for themselves. If for some reason you think it is selfish to turn your back on another constantly asking for help, ask yourself this: Would you rather have someone capable of standing on their own two feet in life, or would you rather have someone totally dependant on your assistance indefinately?

Don't be the enabler for that...

There are exceptions of course: *Genuine* crisis being one. Like all facets of life, you need to strike a balance... That's how I feel about the matter.
 smitten2meetu
Joined: 11/16/2004
Msg: 48
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 12/1/2006 1:01:30 AM
I've never been a doormat, and I refuse to have friends who I call "emotional Vampires" who suck and drain your time. I learned to walk away from people who waste my time, and want the same advice over and over, and don't learn.

I learned to recognize this after the death of my brother, and had this friend who would waste my time on HER problems. Although she had experienced a family death, her lack of compassion and empathy, ended our relationship that day, when I ask for support.

I learned not to rescue people, they only learn that you will solve their problems and through the help of great grievance councillor, I have very together friends. I will listen to any friend with an issue once, and I will tell them they either take it, or not come back, until you figure out what to do. Life is too short to deal with people who make a life being a doormat, emotional vampires or leaches on your good health and personality.
 angelbabygurl87
Joined: 11/25/2006
Msg: 49
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 12/1/2006 3:35:37 PM
i am definatly a doormat, i tend to be there for all my friends family, non-friends, people that treat me like crap and people who stand up for me all the time, i have been in all the situations listed above. and yet i still do the same thing over and over and never learn from the mistakes i make, i just feel its my job as a friend or human to do the things i do. i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing, but my grandmother, whom i am very close to, told me that she was like that also, and shes no where today, she was married once and because of her doormat ways she ended up being there for someone that was about to turn their back on her, and got with her husbend... she was with someone else for 10 year, and she was there for them and they turned there back on her when she was always there for him and he cheated too... the better of a doormat you are, the worst your going to be treated by certain people, because they know they can walk all over you... so to speak, LOL...

okk im strange, i thought it was funny considering were calling it a doormat, and someone will walk all over you, hahaha, how childish am i tonight?!?! lmao
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 50
view profile
History
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 12/1/2006 3:59:43 PM
angel You're so young and have a lot of life to live. I'm so old enough to be your mother, all my kids are older than you. When I was your age, I was a "pleaser". Did whatever made people happy, was so focused on attaining everyone's approval/affirmation.
I wasn't happy with that, had to so compromise and play along with what everyone else wanted, I wasn't being true to myself. I've lived and learned you will, too.
It's been years of evolving so to speak, but learned to live my life in the way that makes me happy and proud of myself first and foremost. If others like who I am and accept that, it's a bonus. The core happiness you will ever find comes from within, you either have it or you don't. Noone else can give you what you don't have. I've embraced that for years, and honestly, never been happier or more at peace with myself.
Hope this helps, do give yourself permission to love and accept you, with all your attributes and your flaws, we all have them, it makes us human.
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