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 Serenity73157
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 51
The human doormat syndromePage 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
angelbaby, I think the main idea presented throughout the responses to this thread have been boundaries. I've realized I do drawn boundaries and have decided I'm not as a big a doormat as I thought.

In my work I DEFINITELY have to draw boundaries or I'll be chewed up and spit out. When I set my mind to something there is NO ONE who is going to stop me until I reach my goal. That is not doormat behavior.

However, there are still areas of my life where I am definitely a doormat. I don't stand up to family. I think that's probably because I've found it's futile and causes more stress and angst than just going with the flow.

I posted a thread last night (it was deleted) asking for help dealing with a neighbor who is a paranoid schizophrenic, has stopped taking meds and has made my life a living hell for at least two months. I feel guilty calling the cops on her even though I can't sleep and she disrupts my entire life. Well, I did until today, I finally got pushed to that line where the boundary clearly is for me. I'm fed up and pissed off. SHE called the cops twice yesterday on bogus calls, they did nothing. Last night they were pounding on her door at 2:30am with an ambulance and EMT's along. She refused to get in the ambulance and the EMT's refused to take her against her will. Today more of the same yelling, blaring music, pounding, constant door slamming, talking to people/things that aren't there and I snapped. I'm now calling the cops every time I hear a peep from her. My landlord said they couldn't do anything because it's "a medical problem." EXCUSE ME? I pay rent, am totally disabled because I have fibromyalgia (like lupus, lyme) and can't get any rest, sleep or peace and quiet.

I've now gone into lobbyist/activist mode and believe me I will see an end to the living space problem. I have at least 100 contacts in different state agencies. I'm going to use them ALL.

I've discovered you can THINK you're a doormat but when push comes to shove you break out of that, get pissed off and fight back.

This OP is no longer a doormat!!!!!!
 misseyes
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 52
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 12/1/2006 4:11:16 PM
I hit doormat syndrome and now I think I've hit kicked-puppy syndrome. My inner beeetch just can't seem to escape. I gotta work on that.
 Serenity73157
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 53
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 12/1/2006 4:27:05 PM
LMAO misseyes live next to an unmedicated paranoid schitzophrenic for two months and that inner beeeeeetch is sure to come out. ESPECIALLY if the law enforcement authorities refuse to do anything to help you. Maybe I just invented the one step program for human doormats!!!!!!!!!!!

 moon_fish
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 54
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 12/1/2006 5:53:28 PM
sounds like martyardom, you know like joan of arc. good luck to you with that.
 Artistee
Joined: 7/24/2006
Msg: 55
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The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 12/8/2006 11:52:57 PM
At one time...I used to allow myself to be a "doormat"...give of myself to others, and get nothing back...always a one-sided scenario...

Then I did a 180 degree turnaround...and that garbage stopped!

I also started picking people of substanstial quality, and realized the difference between true friends and sheer acquaintances...

Quantity vs quality...There's strength in lesser numbers!
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 56
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The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 12/9/2006 12:03:08 AM
Interesting stuff OP. I was probably a doormat for a long time, sadly. About the time I was trying to reinvent myself, I was thinking about and really listening to my Granny. I thought (as many probably do) that she had a wonderful life, extremely long term marriage, etc. Well, mixed in with my preconceived erroneous images/thoughts, I finally got a very clear picture. She was our family matriarch martyr. The realization really hit me hard. All my life I had thought she was blissfully happy. Nope. She just lived 60 years with a man and most of the time faked it all. And then the really nasty reality set in: my Mother was next in line for the position of Martriarch Martyr and was far more skilled at being a martry than my Granny. It took me almost a year, but that little family tradition stops with my Mother. I'm not interested in that title. Sad when you finally glimpse life as it is, not how you wanted to see it. But, there is no more doormat sydrome with me and there is NO option for me being the leading Martyr.
 Serenity73157
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 57
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 12/9/2006 12:23:40 AM
verygreeneyez my mother would like us TO THINK she the martyr but I know it was my dad. Lucky for him he was very hard of hearing from working on the infintry guns during WWII and wore hearing aids. My mother would start yapping at him at dinner time and when her back was turned we'd glance over and see my dad turn his hearing aids off.

As long as her mouth was moving he'd just nod and say "yes Meryon." There are four daughter's in my family. We would practically be spitting food to keep from laughing so my poor dad didn't get found out.

I realized when I got sick I COULDN'T continue to be the family martyr. I became the family isolationist instead. I still have to deal with family but I do it on a limited basis and only when I absolutely HAVE to. I'm the youngest so I guess they all figured they were bigger than me and they could force the martyrdom on me, yeah right that's not going to happen.
 nomenome
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 58
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 12/9/2006 1:32:04 AM
I'm a door mat - and nope, it doesn't do a damned bit of good for my battered and bruised ego. Good luck with your neighbor!
 AREALANGEL
Joined: 2/5/2006
Msg: 59
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 12/9/2006 5:56:35 AM
Excellent post by the way....

The part..."The all weather foot wiper: they are a part of the doormats life through good times and bad times. I've found these people to be the most rare. Don't be fooled though, many of these people are physically available but don't count on them for emotional help. They take a lot but give little. When pushed however they are able to give something back."

I have met my share of these wipers....
 Bobby MGee
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 60
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 12/9/2006 8:40:19 AM
Ive been this way my entire life.I use to allow people to use and abuse me.And everyone always disapointed me.Now......i will always be the way i am,i just only allow someone to do so much.If i feel im being taken advantage of,i stop doing whatever it is.Some people are takers and some are givers.I like being who i am and how i am.I have a heart,empathy,and the relationships i have that last,be it friends or family ect...tend to be mutualy giving in all areas.Im a little to emotionaly driven i believe,but i can look myself in the mirror and know that im a good person.Better then being the one who uses,abuses,lies,ect.....dont think id like myself to much.If being a caring,honest and reliable person makes me a doormat.....ill be that....:)
 Anesidora
Joined: 1/3/2007
Msg: 61
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The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 1/20/2007 9:35:07 PM
I have allowed people to suck the life out of me in the past, and finally put a stop to it.

A dear friend once told me "No one can walk all over you, unless you lay down and let them.."

And since then, I weigh what I allow myself to give to others, if I'm not getting what I need in return...
 Keljo
Joined: 12/28/2005
Msg: 62
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 1/20/2007 10:01:05 PM
I've been a dormat for most of my life. I recently stopped being one and all the so called 'friends' I had have disappeared. It made me wonder for a while if being a doormat was such a bad thing, and then I snapped back to reality.

I feel quite alone now and a bit confused, but I suppose in the long run, I am better off without them as they were obviously not my friends.

I also suffer from depression and anxiety and it is only exasperating my 'lonliness'.
 SisterHavana
Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 63
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The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 1/20/2007 10:02:30 PM
Just because you have a kind heart and like to help people and listen does not make you a doormat. It's doing things for others always at the expense of your own well-being, time and again, that makes you a doormat. I have friends like that.
 LiL Bohemian
Joined: 2/19/2006
Msg: 64
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 1/20/2007 11:08:36 PM
There is a 12 Step Program for individuals who feel like human 'doormats'. Its called Co-Dependants Anonymous and you can probably find it online (or where its situated in your home town or city) by Googling it.

There are also some fabulous books out there on Co-Dependancy. Again, just google
 Hal 9000
Joined: 3/14/2006
Msg: 65
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The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 1/20/2007 11:23:01 PM
Yeah, doormats need a good flogging against the rails to clean them up.
 METALLlC BLUE
Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 66
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 1/21/2007 6:36:20 AM


I've been a dormat for most of my life. I recently stopped being one and all the so called 'friends' I had have disappeared. It made me wonder for a while if being a doormat was such a bad thing, and then I snapped back to reality.

I feel quite alone now and a bit confused, but I suppose in the long run, I am better off without them as they were obviously not my friends.

I also suffer from depression and anxiety and it is only exasperating my 'lonliness'.


After reading your post earlier which I just responded to [about your dad]. Do whatever you can to love yourself, and to seek support. You deserve it. I can tell you with certainty, there are answers, but it takes time to find them and to move thru the process. It took courage to stand up for yourself. When we change, we force others to change in relationship to us. When people can no longer use us, they go off in search of someone else to use. This is why you now are alone. For now, it is a positive thing, but be sure to find ways to cope, whether seeing a specialist, talking online to a group, or finding whatever means of moving through it all. I am not saying anything you don't already know I assume.
 classydetective
Joined: 4/23/2005
Msg: 67
The human doormat syndrome
Posted: 1/21/2007 6:56:07 AM
I have people who I can turn to vent anything that is troubling me at the moment. In using them as a "doormat" there is an unspoken understanding that when they will need me, I will be there for them. In turn there are a lot of other people who use me as a doormat. By saying alot that probably means I probably means I have "doormat syndrome". It is good to help people sort things out, and give an objective opinion, a different view on the matter. However there have been times when people have just went on and on, and obsessed over the same problem. Had the pattern behaviour that was alluded to. Well I had enough and I just weened the person off, by talking less frequently and making myself less available.

It can play the doormat, but when it becomes taxing on yourself. That is when you have to be able to push back a little.
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