| funny text messages
Posted: 12/1/2006 3:23:41 PM | Viagra is now available in powder to put in tea. Does nothing for erections but stops your biscuit from going soft  | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/1/2006 3:34:42 PM | We texted this to one of the guys down the pub, this one bloke who has been on a pay as you dating site , for over 16 weeks now... so....we sent him this little text message on his phone which said ............
You've been on this dating site for over 16 weeks now without any replies what-so-ever, the cost of which is £???... Would you like another 10 weeks at half price... WITHOUT A PICTURE !!! YOU MIGHT HAVE MORE LUCK!! | |
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Miss~T
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Joined: 11/20/2006
Msg: 28 | |
| funny text messages
Posted: 12/1/2006 3:53:57 PM | An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Old Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Old Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Old Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Old Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drink driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Old Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Old Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Old Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Old Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Old woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Old Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The old woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Old Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
the owner.
Old Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/1/2006 4:47:12 PM | 2 Essex girls pick up perfume sample from counter, sharon sprays it on wrist.
"That's nice innit, don't you fink Trace?"
"Yeah, wot's it called?"
" Vien et moi "
"Wot the f*ck does that mean, Shal?"
The assistant pipes up, "it's french for 'come to me' ".
Shal sniffs again - "Don't smell like come to me, does it to you Trace?" | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/2/2006 12:12:53 AM | Today is national disadvantaged peoples day. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend, just as i've done...I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals or occasionally shit yourself....You hang in there sunshine, you're fcuking special | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/2/2006 5:56:41 AM | Man marries a deaf girl an says "We must work out a code: if I want sex
I'll stroke your left breast; You reply by pulling my penis once for
Yes or 150 times for No "
Husband buys a birthday present for his wife, she opens it and says
"What the fc uk do I want with a rocket?" He says "You wanted space...
Now fc uk off!"
A tramp walks into a jewlers and casualy begins to finger his own a* se.
The jewler screams "Get Out!" The tramp points to a sign in the window
"COME IN AND PICK YOUR OWN RING IN COMFORT!"
Nike have brought out new lycra shorts for women called 'Mumblers'.
They are so tight you can see the lips move but you can't hear what
the c* nt is saying!
Got in last night and there was a parrot in the garden, all it says is
"Fc uk of ugly c* nt" You've not lost a parrot have you? | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/2/2006 6:19:35 AM | Nice 1 renegade..lol.
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers.? Well hung.!
Thought i saw your name in my loaf today.. but when i looked closer it said.. thick cut!
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/2/2006 9:21:38 AM | old mother hubbard went to her cupbard to fetch her old dog a bone
went she bent over, rover took over and gave her a bone of his own.. | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/3/2006 1:27:33 PM | | just got this: merry xmas iknow its early'but i have plenty of rich and good looking friends.so i thought i'd start with the poor ugly ****ers first ! | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/3/2006 2:48:27 PM | A scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bobbing up and down and nipples sticking out in the cold.
His colleagues have kicked the shit out of him | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/3/2006 3:34:14 PM | Why do women rub their 1st thing in the morning? A: Coz they ent got balls to scratch  | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/3/2006 3:42:11 PM | Why do women rub their eye's 1st thing in the morning? A: Coz they ent got balls to scratch 
sorry about last post lost the eye's! | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/8/2006 2:52:35 PM | | wife sits for 4 hours looking at her marriage certificate. husband asks..wot are you doing? she replies.. im looking for the f*****g expiry date!! | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/8/2006 2:59:02 PM | | a visitor to a mental institution asked the director how he decided wot paitents should be kept in, he replied.. we fill up a bath and then offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket & ask them to empty the bathtub.. the visitor said.. oh, i see, a normal person would choose the bucket,coz its the biggest. the director said, no, a normal person would pull the F****N plug out. would you like a bed near the window? | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/8/2006 3:08:52 PM | | Malcolm I loved the way you sprayed in my face as you shot past and then just turned and waved as though it was something you did everyday to all your good friends and you ride that baby like you were born with it between your legs | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/8/2006 3:16:00 PM | At least now I know where my mate keeps gettin these silly bleedin messages to send me....
Here's another one she sent ...
Ur the biggest f*ckin mouthpeice going.
I can't believe you told everyone my business!
I thought I could trust you, I hate you!
What the **** r u playing at?
Now everyone knows I'm a
BLOODY SEXY B*T*H!!
I forgave her cus it's true lmao | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/8/2006 11:38:34 PM | | I was arrested at Heathrow Airport today for being the ugliest ba$tard in the UK. Can you come to the Police Station and prove them wrong. | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/9/2006 7:02:46 AM | | viagra is now available in powder form so u can stir it into ur tea... it wont give u n erection but it will stop ur biscuit from goin soft!!!!!! | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/10/2006 2:54:10 PM | woman walks in2 a bar,orders a bottle of finest champagne,
takes down her thong and pours the whole lot over her f***y,
the barman shouts "why did u do that?"
ive just won the lottery she says..and thats the only c**t im sharing it with!!!  | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/11/2006 5:16:40 AM | There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, Mummy, what are they doing?
The mother hesitates, then quickly replies. Ummm....they're making cakes!
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day the girl says to her mother, Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?
Shocked, the mother says, How do you know that?
She says, Because I licked the icing off the sofa!!! | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/11/2006 6:01:17 AM | msg 47 that is sick but sooooooo funny
*NEWSFLASH*
ice cream man found dead,he was coverd in rasberry sauce and had a flake stuck up his ar$e!
police think he topped himself! | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 12/11/2006 9:28:25 AM | | i got one once,,,saying,,aparently,"satan wants my soul",,,still dont know who sent it,,it wasnt funny,,it was pretty disturbing,,but after a lot of beer and apachine,,i for got about it,, | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 1/19/2007 2:24:39 PM | a woman standing nude, looks in the beedroom mirror and says to her fella "i look so fat and ugly pay me a compliment" her felle looks up and says "your eyesights fecking perfect"
Q:what did the banana say 2the dildo
A:what u shaking about shes gunna feckin eat me. | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 1/19/2007 2:29:16 PM | yeah, i sent one the other day.
someone had sent me YET ANOTHER one of those stupid chain texts: 'pass this on to 7 other people you know...' type bollocks. i responded with 'i have passed THIS message on to 7 other people and hopefully one of you will catch a terrible textually transmitted disease from it and die.'
i HATE mobile phones. i HATE texting more. grrr. | |
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