| funny text messages
Posted: 8/14/2007 1:48:47 AM | Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant
part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!" | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 8/14/2007 2:21:56 AM | | Two old men see a dog licking his balls, the one old man says 'don't you wish you could do that?'. The other old man says 'don't you think we should pet him first?' | |
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Posted: 8/14/2007 2:36:16 AM | 20% of the population is now drinking coffee, 60% is having sex, 19% is watching TV and one a**hole is now holding his/her mobile in his/her hand!
Scientists have discovered that the average penis eighs 1lb. They are now researching the weight of the average C***. Be a good lad pop on the scales and call me back!
Royal mail introduced a new postage stamp, the clitoris, but are having 2 withdraw it as only 5% of men can lick it properly
2 old ladies sat in a coffee shop. One says too the other did you come on the bus? Yes, but i made is look like an asthma attack. | |
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Posted: 8/18/2007 1:01:58 PM | Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. | |
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Posted: 8/18/2007 1:05:46 PM | Beckham at a management seminar says " i like them coz they make my breath fresh"....there was stunned silence untill someone shouts ." TACTICS u thick FCKER"!!!!   | |
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Posted: 8/18/2007 1:06:37 PM | There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.
He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.
"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!?
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."
Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman. | |
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Posted: 8/18/2007 2:22:46 PM | | OMG!!!!! I just got a call from God he said he lost an angel...........ssssshh........i didnt tell him where you were..send this to all the people that mean a lot to you........i did xx | |
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Posted: 8/18/2007 2:38:21 PM | A bloke goes to the doctors, he's having problems with premature ejaculations. He's told when you feel yourself cumming, give yourself a fright by firing a starter pistol in the air to prolong sex.
Two days later the doctors sees him again and asks how it went.
The guy says not good. I did a 69er then felt myself start to cum, so i fired the gun. My wife shit on my face, bit my bell end off and the milkman came out of the wardrobe with his hands up!
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Posted: 8/18/2007 2:49:40 PM | A blonde phones the fire brigade and says her house is on fire. Fireman asks 'how do we get there?'
Blonde replies Helloooooooooooooooo......IN THE FVCKING RED TRUCK!! | |
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Posted: 8/19/2007 4:13:51 AM | A man asks his wife what she would like for her birthday.
"Something that goes from 0 to 60 in 10 seconds" she replied.
So he bought her a set of bathroom scales!
I woke up with a really stiff neck this morning. I took a Viagra last night and didn't swallow quick enough! | |
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Posted: 8/19/2007 5:46:36 AM | The Royal Mail have released a new stamp with a picture of a clitoris on it.
However,its now been withdrawn as only 5% of men knew where to lick it.
Two women on the way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a pee.
One wipes herself with her knickers and the other with a wreath.
Their two husbands were down the pub the next day and the first one says "Yo,i better watch my wife,she came home last night with no knickers on"
The other replies "that aint a thing,mine had a card wedged up her a$s saying 'We'll never forget you,from all the boys at the fire station"
Good looks catch the eye,but good personality cathches the heart.You were blessed with both.
FLATTERED? fook off it was sent to me i just wanted you to read it.
Man walks into a doctors surgery and punches the doctor in the face "your a b@stard for telling my wife her fanny is nice"
Docotr says "No i didnt,i told her she has acute angina!"
Im really pi$$ed off,someones just crashed into my car in one of them new skodas,theres fooking jam and sponge everywhere!
I got too many,phones full of em lol | |
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Posted: 8/19/2007 6:19:19 AM | An old man had to show his grey hairs to the dhss to prove his age for his pension..
His wife said show them your c'ock and get disability aswell..
A lady goes on holiday to the caribean and meets a man, after sex she asks his name. He says 'my nam is Snow' and the lady starts laughing..
and says.. my husband will never believe that i had 10 inches of snow in the caribean.. | |
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Posted: 8/21/2007 1:15:55 AM | A Woman goes to the Doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging from her fanni
Doc says, " That looks nasty"...
She says "Nasty? Its just the tip of the iceburg" | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 8/21/2007 11:59:38 AM | 
Some of these are brilliant costing me a fortune in txt's passing them on!
Man pinches his wife's bum and says if you firm this up u could get rid of your girdle. Later in bed he squeezed her boobs & says if u firm these up you could get rid of ur bra! she grabs his****and says if you firmed this up we could get rid of the garderner, milkman and your f*cking brother! | |
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Posted: 8/21/2007 12:13:16 PM | | The lady of the house is firing the pretty parlour maid. As she is walking out of the room, the maid says: "Well, at least I'm better in bed than you are!", to which the lady says: " I suppose my husband told you that". The maid says: "no, it was the gardener!" | |
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Posted: 8/21/2007 1:01:39 PM | NEWSFLASH
scientists have found
that homosexual men
have a tendancy to
use there thumbs
to scroll thru texts
no point changing
fingers now
gayboy! | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 9/4/2007 1:36:46 PM | A man accidently bumped his elbow into a womans breasts and said
"If your heart is as soft as your breasts... you'll forgive me.."
The woman replied
"If your d'ick is as hard as your elbow... room 45!" | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 9/4/2007 11:48:56 PM | | "Sad-Dum.. Hussan's last request at his Exycution was????????...... He wants all the women in Iraq!..... to shave there 'Pussies'!....... so that there is a continuation with his 'Anti-Bush' policies!!"... | |
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Posted: 9/5/2007 7:21:01 AM | ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
these are actually TRUE transcripts from the USA
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| funny text messages
Posted: 9/5/2007 8:06:49 AM | why are hurricanes named after women
because when the come,they`re wet and wild
and when they leave
they take your house and car with them.. | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 9/5/2007 8:12:46 AM | what has a pair of tights and osama bin laden got in common,
they both irritate bush... | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 9/5/2007 11:40:56 AM | | 3 irish guys having speech therapy.the woman therapist says"if yuo can say where you're from without stuttering i'll give you a blow job".Sean says "D,D,D,Dublin".Mick says "C,C,C,Cork".Paddy says "London" .she drops to her knees and starts sucking his c**k.as he cums he shouts "d,d,d,derry" | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 9/5/2007 11:51:23 AM | A friend of mine on here sent me this
"I have just been offered 4 venison legs. they are £50 is that too dear?"
I peed myself, it really made me giggle. I sent it to my dad who has the most horrendous eyesight... He replied with
"Well can you get rid of venison legs anyway, and at a profit"
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| funny text messages
Posted: 9/5/2007 11:53:02 AM | "Give it here!!!"."No it's mine!!"."Let me have it!!"."It's my turn!!"."You had it last!!"."F**k off!!"."Come on gimme it!!"."NO WAY!!"...........Siamese twins having a wank.
Ann and Joe were out for a walk when Annsaid " I need a p**s" and goes behind a bush.Joe hears her knickers come down and feeling a bit kinky puts his hand through between her legs and feels something hanging."Ann have you changed your sex?"he asked."No" she replies "I've changed my mind i'm having a poo".
Wee boy in a Celtic strip gets run over outside Parkhead."Do you want me to get you a priest???"asks a passer by.the boy replies "I'M f**king dying pal ; sex is the last thing on my mind!!!!" | |
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Posted: 9/5/2007 12:06:43 PM | A woman married and had 13 kids.Her husband died so she married again and had 7 more children and again her husband died.She married once more and had 5 more children then finally died.Standing at her coffin the priest prayed for her and said "Lord they're finally together!".One mourner asked her friend "Do you think he means her first,second or third husband?".to which the friend replies "I think he means her legs!!".
I'm buying a racehorse and calling it "My Face".Just imagine it on Ladies Day ; him running round the last bend and all the women screaming "Come on My F ace!!!"
Tax inspector asks a prostitute why she describes herself as a poultry farmer on her tax returns.she replies !I raised 5000 c**ks last year". | |
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