| funny text messages
Posted: 9/5/2007 12:20:02 PM | A convict breaks into a house and ties up the couple who live there.he jumps on the woman,kisses her ear then runs to the bathroom.The man whispers to her "Satisfy him or he'll kill us.i saw the way he kissed you ;just be strong.i love you".The woman replies "He didn't kiss my ear,he whispered he's gay,horny and looking for vaseline.i told him it's in the bathroom ; let's see who's f***ing strong now!!".
Paddy was in the pub telling his mate about his first parachute jump when he joined the army.he said they were at 30.00 ft and 1 by 1 they started to jump.when it came to his turn he couldn't do it.then the big sergeant pulled out his 12 inch penis and said "Paddy if you don't jump i'll stick this up your a**e!!"Paddys mate asked if he jumped to which Paddy replied "Just a little when he first put it in". | |
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Posted: 9/5/2007 12:30:05 PM | A couple out driving see a wounded skunk lying by the side of the road.the wife gets out and brings it back to the car."I'ts shivering what should i do?"." she asks."Put it between your legs and keep it warm" he replies.thw wife says "OK but its bloody stinking!" "Well hold the poor wee buggers nose" the husband says.
Woman goes to the doctor complaining of a bad discharge.the doctor asks her to drop her panties and after a good rummage in her p***y asks how she feels.she says it was very nice but the discharge is coming from her ear.
Paddy and Mick go to a sperm bank in London.the day was a total disaster though ; Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus.
Doctors have just warned of a food that can cause pain and suffering years after it's been eaten....it's called wedding cake!!!!!! | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 9/5/2007 2:18:20 PM | Just got this one...
The best engine in the world is the fanny.. It takes any size piston, it is self lubricating, starts with one finger and every four weeks does its own oil change. It is just a pity the management system is so F*****g temperamental !!!
Sorry !!   | |
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Posted: 9/5/2007 10:14:52 PM | "Before Sex"... A womans virgina looks like..... a young, light pink, english rose... that has a light sweet sent...... /"After Sex"... 'Have you ever seen a Bulldog chewing Mayonaise!!!'... | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 9/6/2007 3:50:51 AM | I had a britlliant one a few days ago from my a guy i used to date who's been a text pain in the butt .... fancy a drink in harbourne
I ignored it, but had a great laugh with a mate about it | |
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Posted: 9/6/2007 4:17:14 PM | just got this one....might get deleted tho lol
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk in a stuttering voice: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, trying as hard as he could not to burst out laughing, politely replies: "Yes, we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models. Can I help you find one?"
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt t twoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by buhbuhbuhbuhbatteries?
The clerk responds, "Yes, we do."
She asks: "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe gaaaahdaaaam ssunoooffab**** offffff | |
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Posted: 9/7/2007 8:24:22 AM | DAMMIT!!!
Somebody just told me that he didnt get my joke (MSG 142)
Feck!
Okay.. the joke started with...
Hotel corridor... A man accidently bumped his elbow into a womans breasts and said
"If your heart is as soft as your breasts... you'll forgive me.."
The woman replied
"If your d'ick is as hard as your elbow... room 45!"
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Posted: 1/5/2008 3:25:06 PM | ^^^^ Hi there You!
Hey, my gardener lives few doors dwn came 2c me 4chat n afta wine n cognac, he tried 2seduce me, luckly he didnt get a hard on, so i was safe. I'm tired. No shag! Cya! K x
No sorry. That aint the joke.
2 women are chatting about sex. One says 'Do you know willies are like trees?'
'How cum?' the other asks
'Well..' The first woman explain..
' in his 20s.... a mans penis is an oak, mighty n hard. In his 30s and 40s its a birch.. flexible but reliable. Afta his 50s... its an old Chrismas tree.. dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.' | |
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Posted: 1/5/2008 3:41:31 PM | | "The worlds shortest fairytale....once upon a time a man asked a woman 'will you marry me?'..the woman replied 'no'..and the man lived happily ever after,went golfing,drinking,fishing,sh*ging and still had money in his pocket at the end of the week..THE END" | |
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Posted: 1/6/2008 5:31:47 AM | imagine my joy when getting out the crimbo decoration i found a prezzi that i forgot to give the kids last year,there faces were a picture ripping off the paper with eagerness and opening the box...................unfortunately it was a puppy
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jack an jill were just married,jack took off his trousers an says to jill try these on,jill says there to big,jack says exactly!i were the trousers in this marrage an always will.jill says try my knickers on,jack says ill never get into them,jill says exactly an if you dont change your fOOking attitude you never will.
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today its cool to have small mobiles an cars............soon the day will come when its cool to have a small penis and you my friend will be a FOOKING .......................LEDGEND. | |
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Posted: 1/6/2008 9:38:23 AM | | Alcohol free beer... It's like your sisters fanny, tastes the same, but it just ain't right. | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 1/6/2008 9:51:00 AM | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^HAHAHAHAHAH SO FUNNY BUT IT FEELS WRONG TO LAUGH. | |
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Posted: 1/11/2008 10:49:06 AM | I got this one yesterday...
Hi sexy beast, i shall and find you, i shall take you to bed and control you, i will make you ache, shake and swear until you grunt and groan (thinks way hay). I will make you beg for mercy . I will exhaust you. (thinks fantastic) to the point that you will be relieved when i leave you and you will be weak for days.
All my love the flu
*thinks ffs typical* 
I thought my luck was in lol | |
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Posted: 1/11/2008 10:58:03 AM | Girl was granted 2 wishes.
First, she asked for bigger tits.. They grew instantly to 38DD.
Then she asked for a really tight cunt. And was given your mobile number | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 1/12/2008 3:59:04 AM | you are driving at constent speed on your left is a sheer drop, on your right is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you, in front of you in a galloping pig the same size as your car and you can not over take it, on your left is a helipcopter travelling at ground level at the same speed as you.
How do you get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get of the childrens merry go round you piss*d up basta*d.
Here goes--My living will. Last night my friend and I were in the sitting room and I said to her 'I never want to live in a vegetive state dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens just pull the plug.' So she got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine. She's such a ****.... | |
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Posted: 1/12/2008 6:40:19 AM | 3 mice in a pub, having a bevvy discussing who's the hardest.
First mouse says"I'm the hardest. I go up to the mousetraps, rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down i benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the room"
Second mouse says "I get rat poison, crush it into powder and snort it!"
The third mouse finishes his drink, gets up and walks to the door.
"Where you going?" Ask the other two mice
"Home" he replies "To shag the cat.." | |
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Posted: 1/20/2008 1:30:16 PM | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z !"£$%^&*(){}
Good all the buttons on my phone are working :) | |
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Posted: 1/20/2008 4:07:55 PM | A boy takes his girlfriend home for a bit of fun but finds his little brother sleeping in the bottom bunk. Undaunted they get in the top bunk. He says to the girl we will use a code if you want it harder say lettuce, if you want a different position say tomato ........
"Lettuce lettuce tomato lettuce" she says....... After a while his brother shouts, will you two stop making f'n sandwiches, the mayonaise is dripping all over my face!!! | |
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Posted: 1/20/2008 4:10:52 PM | | That could have been funny if your humour hadn't revolved around children and sex. | |
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Posted: 1/21/2008 8:42:02 AM | Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
So men can be open minded. | |
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Posted: 1/21/2008 8:47:09 AM | NEWSFLASH !!
Aliens have invaded earth and are abducting all the guys with big****.
Dont worry. Youre safe.....Im just texting to say goodbye.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CONGRATULATIONS from www.sweetshop.co.uk.
You have won the weight of your brain in sweets.
To collect your tic-tac , please contact us at www.thickasshit.com
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| funny text messages
Posted: 1/21/2008 9:40:54 AM | | In the paper it said "please look after your neighbours in the cold weather" Not once has my 87 year old neighbour come round to check if I'm all right. The lazy B*tch hasn't even taken in her milk for 2 weeks! | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:19:06 AM | A man is told he has only 24 hours to live. He tells his wife & asks if they can make love one last time. Crying & upset she agrees & they have mind blowin sex. After 12 hours he asks again & she gives him the best blow job he's ever had. 4 hours to go & he begs for one last go.
" FU CK OFF she said. "I'M NOT BEING FUNNY BUT I HAVE TO GET UP IN THE MORNING YOU DON'T!" | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:23:59 AM | Microsoft is updating your SEXLIFE. Please wait.....................
Searching...........................(scroll down)
Still searching....................(Scroll down some more)
Error. No sexlife Found.
So sorry, keep masturbating.  | |
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| funny text messages
Posted: 1/21/2008 7:24:33 PM | ^^^Msg 169 Sebastian Charles^^^
Lets just say for arguments sake then that the boyfriend and girlfriend are 19 years old and his little younger brother is 17. Does that make everything ok? Not hardly kids then are they? | |
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