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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/14/2006 2:54:22 PM | I agree with what you are saying spider 100% but again is case by case. I mean if you have proof of reason's why there should be no joint then that is diffrent but with a case where you have no proof of someone being unfit or not then it should be joint until something happenes to prove other wise.
There are many many cases where I hear of the Mom crying foul that dad is not involved with the child's life.. And when the judge asks why is that the case it comes out he is not being granted access to the child
I dont understand why people do things like this, I mean unless there is abuse (that you can prove) then that is diffrent, but I dont know why people refuse all access to children. I admit that I will not let my daughter go alone with her father but I have never stoped him from comeing down here to see her. That is still access but it is supervised until a judge tells me other wise.... get what I am saying?
Bottom line is if you are truthful about everything in court then that is what is going to get you what you want, And with the truth you have proof then you are safe, but if you are going to go in the and lie to try to get what you want then you shouldnt have it. I myself have proof of everything that will back my reason's why I want soul custody, so now I just have to go in and tell the truth and hope to god that I get what I want. | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/14/2006 3:27:54 PM | Nevahs:
But one thing to note here... Being an unfit parent is sometime a matter of interpretation. I may consider something like deciding if my son doesn't want to eat at dinner time... Then he can wait till the morning perfectly acceptable..
But some people might view that as being unfit, and neglecting of the child. For me proof being an unfit parent has be something that most parties take into account as being unfit... Not just the 1 parent..
Things such as proven Drug Abuse... Saying a person smoked a joint once doesn't count. Because I think all of us can be sighted for doing something once or twice that we rather would not of..
Documented Physical Abuse... In court.. To simply say he slapped the child and you around a bit to me is still more He said... She said type thing... There needs to be tangible proof of such things..
It just annoys me to this day still the number of times I see custody being handed over on fabrications, and assumptions.. Rather then cold hard evidence.. | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/14/2006 4:34:10 PM | There is no difference between men and women when it comes to parenting. The only difference is that one has a penis and one has a vigina. The difference comes when one parent has the childs interest in mind and the other doesn't. Due to selfessness and just plain hatred.
When two people get to gether and have a child they have to realize that this is a person that they have chosen to father or bear their child. It all begins at this stage. If you have bad judgement at this time then it is your duty to put your feelings aside. A child needs two parents. period. That is why it takes a man and a women to have a child.
The definition of a family now has changed dramatically. It could mean a man and a man, a women and a women, a grandparent etc. The age old notion that men are from mars and women are from venus is crap.
Segragating boys and girls is history. Why are we living still living in the stone age. Our young people are growing up with distorted images of what is right and what is wrong. If you are female you have these rights, and if you are male you have different rights. Women nuture and men don't know how. This is wrong.
It is proven that the man of the 21 century is more sensitive than ever before. If all boils down to who has the child interest in mind. If both have this then, the court must rule in favor of shared parenting. This means that you raise your children together but apart. You put in place conflict resolutions to solve difficult decisions which lessons any conflict.
The only thing that clouds the family court system is the hurt and pain of disasembling a family unit and what both of you thought it could be. It is time to face it that it is not and it is time to deal with the child or children that both of you produced.
Now I have been preaching this for the past 11 years. I have been the president of the Nova scotia shared parent Association and have lobied the provincal and federal government to promote the right of children to have both parents. The nova scotia government has taken the family division out of the supreme court and placed it in the family court. They have changed the family division to promote mediation, abratration and last a judge. Before this, when two people separated, they both got a lawyer and fought it out in court. The only person that benified was the lawyers. They made a mint.
Now, custody is presumed as 50/50 unless abuse is proven.
Again, just because two people fall out of love for one reason or another does not mean that one is better than the other. I feel what gets clouded is that one might be a better husband or boyfriend or wife/girlfriend doesn't make they a good or bad mother or father.
I feel that the system that is in place in Nova scotia allows the anger to be focused to doing a parenting plan and then mediation and so on.
Women have fought for their rights in the 60's and men are fighting for their rights in the 90's and 21st century. Sooner or later we might end up as equals?????
So all the situation problems that I have read would mean nothing if we were considered as equals. If one person is a bad parent then that would prevail with a revised court system.
By the way, I have used this type of thinking and has taught my daughter the same. I have raised her since she was 2 and she knows her mother however chooses not to associate with her, due to things that she has done and not anything that I have said.
People need to remember that have a child is just not about the sex, it is much more!!!
We all should be responsible for the children we bring into this world. They are are future and if we keep screwing them up, we don't has much of a future do we. | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/14/2006 5:10:32 PM | | I feel you but there are things you Can do .I the father of a 3 month old girl was told because of my past mistakes i'd never get my daughter.My girlfriend had been arrested for domestic violence against me in front of the child.The kid was left with me .I was supposed to be notified if she got out,I wasn;t.Her mother stole the kid from the sitters and the police went and took her back.I was told because we were'nt married and reside in georgia I was not legitimated as the father and had to file for it.She got out of jail came with the police and they left her with me.She called child protective services and said I used drugs,drank,didn;t have food etc...I called them back told them to come on over check my house,check my kid and bring adrug test.Passed it.I got a temporary protection order against her and 8days later a judge dismissed it.She wanted full custody with child support she got joint physical and legal custody only because I thought it was in the best interest of the child not to go to war for full custody.Bottom line don't believe what your told ,do your own research on the law and just do the best you can.I can point you in the right directions of numerous organizations that will help standup for your rights and offer free assistance.Good Dads do exist and they do win!I would be glad to help anything you might want to start or Any research you might need.sands and sunsets | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/14/2006 5:33:53 PM |
The only diffrence is that with soul custody you make all the decision's
Joint and sole custody aren't a whole lot different... and joint custody an equal access are two different things. Joint custody gives the presumption that both parents have an equal say. However, no NCP has equal say where a CP is beligerent. If my ex decides one day to take my daughter to get her ears pierced, which I think should wait until she's old enough to make her own decisions... what am I going to do to stop her? If she does it behind my back, it will be too late. And what am I going to do... pay $1,000 to go to court to tell a judge, "Well she did this without my permission." Sounds rather retarded doesn't it?
And equal access does not insinuate any such conditions will be eliminated. Equal access gives both parents the opportunity to be a part of their children's lives. There is no presumption that either parent is better or worse than the other. You give it time and evaluate how each parent handles their responsibilities. If one proves to be exceptionally worse than the other, then you make the necessary adjustments.
Have either of you heard what has happened to the recommendations that Senator Anne Cooles (sp?) put forth from her report on Custody and Access. The last I heard was the federal Justice Minister at the time caved into pressure from women's groups and sent the recommendations to committee for further review. I haven't heard anything about it since that time. I guess its been effectively buried.
No, I haven't heard anything about what's occurred in that regard. But it wouldn't surprise me if nothing comes of it. All the bleeding hearts see is a couple of examples of a few useless men who completely abandon their responsibilities, and then as a result are easily manipulated into believing that any man that does stick around is only doing so to get out of paying child support. I mean all you have to do is look at a great number of those who responded in this thread to see that. Nobody has a problem with the system getting even with other people, even if those people have done nothing wrong... they just happen to be the same gender of the person who screwed them over. I just don't understand how people can't want to fix the system. They're obviously upset that it doesn't work for them, we're upset that it doesn't work for us... but somehow people seem to accept that it's cool to keep up with it because every now and then they see someone get screwed and they're like, "Yeah! Stick it to the man! After what my ex did to me, you deserve it!" | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/14/2006 5:47:06 PM | Lets be clear here... One we only see your side - and your ranting! I'll be fair though, if you want to see your child you will get to see your child. But take the steps to make sure your doing it right and not half assed or even just speaking out of turn.
I am in the middle of a messy divorce, it does include support (which isn't being paid) and it involves two children who were born while in wedlock and they are his. I currently pay for everything for my children and gladly do so, so there are good mothers out there too.
I'm not for abortion but I'm not against it either - for the record it should be the couples descision but in all fairness I don't know the state of the mother.
But honestly - I feel you shouldn't have sex unless your willing and able to pay the price of an unexpected birth especailly if you didn't use protection. (this no longer affects me - thank a higher power)!
It is all about responsibility, yes some men get screwed.... (pardon the pun) but it goes both ways, because it's not easy raising a family on 10%, and if a woman works that 10% if its paid goes to child care.
So if you really want to be one of the good ones - and appear to honest in your assessment -take responsibility... Who ever said life was fair! It sucks - if you have further comments feel free to respond to me, I am more than happy to help - but if your gonna just bang your chest and say that it's only your opinion which matters well then you'll get what you deserve. | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/14/2006 6:04:06 PM |
man has to work to provide for the baby while the woman receives child tax credit, baby bonus, EI benifits and many other types of help.
I can guarantee you that eventually she is going to have to go back to work, Child Tax is based on your income and unless you have around 12 Children its not going to be considered much of a paycheque....I believe baby bonus is the same as child tax credit and EI benefits? have you ever been on EI? I can assure that if this is all your ex is receiving she definately still requires child support to be able to adequately look after your children and when her maternity leave is up...EI benefits stop, even if she does go on welfare...its hardly a decent living and she'll eventually have to go to work. And raising two small children and working a full time job is no chore. And believe me..the benifits of being a single parent are really not that attractive to make you sit on your ass at home, possibly the fact that you've allowed her to do so and made it so easy for her is the reason she's taking you for a ride? | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/15/2006 1:32:46 AM | Ok i'm tired of listening to bitter parents going on and on about what a bad deal they got and how bad they got screwed over. What about the kid who is innocent in these situations. Grow up and do what ever the hell it takes to do what is best for the children. Make the best of the time you get with the child and they will thank you whan they get older, make life miserable and everyone loses. It takes 2 people to make a baby and as far as the law goes, both parents should be supporting the child no matter what. if one of you takes care of the child as a primary guardian and the other wants to be a parent too, then the other should be responsible for as much support as is possible. Take some responsibility for your actions, you were man enough to have sex, now be man enough to face all the responsibility that comes with the result of it, good or bad. Just don't create a negative situation for the child.
Now I have been a singledad alone for 13 yrs as the mother took off when my son was 6 months old and never looked back, I had to jump through legal hoops for a long time just to gain joint guardianship, even uncontested. Then the courts tried to force me to go after her for child support, I refused because if she did not want to have anything to do with the child who am I to force her, but if she did want to be a part of his life then damn right she would have to take on all the responsibilities that come with being a parent. I don't sit around b*tching about having to do it all alone, Im just glad that my son is healthy and happy. I do not care what it has cost me, everytime i see him smile i know that i would do anything in the world to be his dad.
If you want to be a part of your childs life do the right thing and make it a positive experience. I know my son will always remember all the time we spent together, and he will not for one second care who paid the most money supporting him as he grew up. So suck it up and be the best parent you can be with the time you have, the children grow up fast and it will not take them long to realize what kind of parents they have. Now suck in your gut, stick out your chest, and be proud as hell about what you helped create.
Parklandguy35 | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/15/2006 11:10:37 AM | I skimmed through most of these threads mostly because damn, 5 pages is a lot to read through. I have to agree to a point with the OP that the laws (I live in California) in regards to custody are biased to the women. That's not to say that they're not done with well intentions to be fair, but when it comes time for the courts, or in most cases the court appointed Mediator, to lay down their judgement, the moms are started off with the benifit of the doubt, and it is up to the father to prove otherwise. Not in 'my' case, but in friends, yes.
For my friends whos exes were either stay at home mom's, or had meager incomes, it became more about control, and bitterness of the ex than what's in the best interest in the child. I am of the opinion that if both parents want to be of equal custody of the children, then it should be so, unless there is evidence to support abusive behavior. In what I've seen from the mediators, they are inundated with deadbeat low-lifes. This is the majority of what goes through the "Child Support Services" process, and they deal with the lowest common denominator. This is why it's slanted to the mom. They are so used to punching in, and going through the motions, that they do not look at each case with unbias determination. They will listen to emotional plights of the woman, and require hard factual data of the father. I'VE SEEN IT HAPPEN. The system is not fair. The written law generally is. It's an uphill battle for the men, but damnit, we owe it to our children to fight it, and get the 'just' result. My cousin is going though this with his ex. She is a bitter, controling woman that is doing everything to make him out to be the bad guy. He is ready to run away, and just let her "win". He is so tired of the fight, the emotional hurt, the turning of his kid against him, that he wants to run away, and not look back. He says, "I'll try to reingage with my son when he's older, and he can understand I tried, and it's not Dad's fault"... I call BS. Quit looking for the easy excuse and deal with the sh!tstorm.
I am certainly proof that this is not always the case. My divorce was easy in comparison. Yes there were digs while going through the process, but I always took the high road, and negotiated with my ex. I kept focus that if I was going to get what I wanted, (which was just 50/50) I needed to play the game, and allow her to feel in control. I held firm where needed, and let go of the little stuff that didn't matter in the big picture. I gave up probably $15K of funds that I was legally intitled to, just to prevent a bitter battle and just move on. Best move I made. We are now on very good terms, and co parenting our children. If I would have fought over money or details, we probably would not be in the same spot.
Best of luck to all the Dads out there, and please try to keep focus on your kids. Ex's can be Saten spawned, out of bitterness and insecurtiy. Please don't let that poisen your child's relationship with you. It IS an uphill battle, but one worth fighting... | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/16/2006 3:45:54 PM | I feel for ya,brother,believe me! I whole-heartedly agree that the father does get the shaft most of the time.It's unfortunate,because I have seen situations where the mother is abusing drugs and prostituting,and the court still decides to let the kids go to mom.(The children ended up being both physically and sexually abused,and taken out of thier mothers care..too little to too late in my opinion.)
It's heartbreaking that some parents choose to use thier kids as leverage to f*ck with the ex...if only the courts could see into these people's lives when they are not in court lying thier asses off.
If it's possible,keep a log of all interaction with baby-momma,it's good to have if she decides to shop you off to the law with a bogus story.Also,make sure your name goes on the birth cert.,that's the first step.I wish I had more help for you,and I applaud your sentiment! My ex husband is also a fantastic dad,while I wasn't working he paid over and above child support,and was always there if I needed help.We still go to special occasions and school functions as a family,and now that I am working,he got switched to midnights so he could watch the kids during the day while I am at work.As soon as I was able to afford it,I cut child support off since I can afford to live without it,a lot of our time with the kids is shared,and in the case where both parents are working and solvent,and the parent share equal custody,why should anyone pay support?My husband spends more than enough on our kids,why should he give me money?I prefer to earn my cash....
Hmmmm went off on a rant,sorry to steal your thunder lol...I hope this has been helpful,or at least entertaining... | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/16/2006 3:47:27 PM | | Sorry,just wanted to add that I am speaking in general,each situation is different,of course,and I hope I haven't offended anyone. | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/16/2006 3:54:32 PM | | i may well be hated for this but i agree wholeheartedly with what this guy is saying and for all you women out there who dont appreciate when you have a good thing in a guy even if your not together ......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/16/2006 5:38:30 PM | Oh my my...you are so angry but I can understand your point of view because I have been through it, albeit I am the woman.
I gave birth to a daughter in 2005. Her father and I were not together and he began demanding all kinds of rights, rights that in my opinion at the time he didn't earn. In my opinion, up to that point, he was a sperm donor. He wanted me to abort our child. Once she was born, he did a complete 180 on me and it caught me totally off guard and challenged so many of my long held beliefs of the "type" of woman I am.
Throughout the entire first 10 months of her life, with the exception of the first 3 of them, we fought every single time we tried to talk to each other. He was adamant that I needed to respect his legal right to be in our daughters life. I was an emotional wreck, dealing with post partum, working full-time while caring for a newborn and he was very hard on me. He did not relent though, he kept consistent with his message until it finally pierced my emotional fog. During this time, he was having four 4 hour visits per week with his daughter at his home (or wherever).
In the end, at 10 months, I agreed to joint-physical custody of our daughter. What is boiled down to with me is that I sincerely believe that a child should have a solid relationship with both parents when it is possible (ie they both want it). As angry as I might have been at him for the way things worked out between us, I knew in my heart that he was right and I was wrong on a moral front. Legally, I could have f*cked him over.
I guess my sharing this with you (and all other POFers who decide to read this post) is simply this...if the woman with whom you are having a child believes in your rights, she will come around. Be consistent with your message. From what you say, she f*cked you over, not the other way around. She should therefore not be angry with you so your situation should be easier than mine was for my daughter's father.
Try to separate your anger at her from your desire to be a fully involved parent. Find articles supporting joint-physical custody arrangements (they are out there) and let her read them. Talk to her, try to work it out without getting lawyers and the courts involved. One of the hardest things to overcome for anyone is the separation from their children. I'm not convinced it is as hard on a man as it is on a woman but I am willing to admit that in some cases it may well be every bit as difficult. Focus on developing a healthy co-parenting relationship with her and above all else, stay consistent in your message!
Good luck! It does get better but you have to work at it. My daughter's father and I have a much more co-operative co-parenting relationship today and we are learning to communicate better and to keep issues separate. It is worth the work because our daughter has a wonderful relationship with both her parents and she is all the better for it. Whenever either one of us needs a princess-fix, we can drop by and visit with her. | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/17/2006 12:48:25 AM | | I'm a 28 yr old father with shared 50/50 joint custody which means, I should have equal say in my 5 yr olds upbringing this arrangement was going on for the last 3 yrs in a small town in Alberta were myself and the mother resided. Everything in my opinion was working great our son truly loves us both. Two weeks before he started kindergarden my son was supposed to be dropped of at noon to myself like always, but 5hrs later me and a friend went to his mothers residence and it was empty. She felt moving 2 and half hours away was in my sons best interest. Now he attends school 1 week there and then 1 week here, seems pretty selfish to me. My lawyer told me if I was to do that same thing, I would have lost all rights to shared custody isn't it odd how since the beginning of the school year I've spent 7,000 on legal cost and she's the one that broke the court order and on top of that she wanted me to pay the cost of bringing him back and forth on sundays lol from Edmonton.I keep on hearing about the full time job of being a parent, If you refer to ur child as a job wrong. My son what I look forward to after my real job. And as fare as the cost of raising a child. I would like to say I'm on disability and have been getting 1100 a month for the last 2 yrs and pay 150.00 of that to the mother, because that's what the court desided and I still buy everything my son needs, I'm presently going for sol custody. to finish I'd like to say it's love that will allow me to win or it's love that will keep me around for him if I lose, but either way I'm a winner just to have him in my life. | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/17/2006 8:09:36 AM | Now, you wonder why so many men run away from their responsibilties of being a father, it is way to hard on them.
I am a single mother of an amazing lil girl.i work my ass off...get no help....and no matter what i would never walk away from my child..i dont care how hard it got.
Men who walk away from thier children are cowards..as parents we sacrifice for our children.
I guess what it comes down to is...(and i am talking about myself as well) we really need to choose who we have children with a little more carefully.And if we dont we suffer the consiquences...i am...but my daughter is worth it. | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/17/2006 9:04:04 AM | sweetestthang
PLUEEEEEEEEEEEEZ. why so many men run away.
I almost get the feeling the big picture is being missed here. Not susprsing when the fog is so dense it can't be seen through.
The actions of the minority always over shadows the intent and dedication of the majority of fathers, and some mothers as well.
Now if we look at the posts here one has to wonder, if so many fathers are wanting to be equally recognized and invlove in their own child/ren's lives whats the porblem?
On the other hand we see posts in here ( and not just on this topic ) so many moms having issues with their kids fathers, and some just refusing to acknowledge their child has a father. I am not syaing its only moms,, some dads are of the same point of view as well.
looks like its almost a 50/50 split on both sides. So that being said why on earth punish our child/ren whos parents want nothing more to love, care for and nuture own Children?
Again if the child is in no danger or otherwise why does tho protest so much? Take our own indiviual reasons out of the equation, why prevent a child from this?
Like one poster stated in one of these threads she didn't become a parent to give her child up half the time,, NOR did we fathers, and the child didn't come into this world to only have one parent either!! ALL kids want to know who BOTH of their parents are and have their love as well!! But sadly there are those parents out there who could CARELESS if their own child doesn't know who they are. For those parents i am totally disgusted by their actions and inactions. | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/17/2006 9:27:31 AM | i completely agree with u.....he said no wonder fathers give up and dont deal with thier responsibility...i am just saying that no one in this entire worl could make me give up on my child...
so now men are going to use the excuse that thier childs mom made it too hard so they gave up...what kind of man is that?
I completely agree that people need to grow up and make it about the children.All to often women have children with men that want to do right by their children and they continuosly give them a hard time.If they dont want to be with you anymore deal with it and be the best family u can be.
But i am just really tired of men using the childs mother as an excuse to not owning up to responsibility.Grow up...NOTHING OR NO ONE WOULD KEEP ME FROM DOIG RIGHT BY MY DAUGHTER! | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/17/2006 9:29:43 AM |
ALL kids want to know who BOTH of their parents are and have their love as well!!
This is a very good point, even though it was not expanded upon further. I believe what happens is that a custodial parent who interferes with their child's relationship with the other parent is doing moreso because they feel slighted. "I work my ass off to do everything I can for you, and you put so much value into your relationship with that useless (sperm/egg) donor? Why?"
It's a matter of knowing where one comes from. Your child doesn't want to take your word for it that their father or mother is a useless sack of dog excrement... they would like the ability to make their own assessment. All you have to do is look at people who are adopted to understand this. Their adoptive parents could be the greatest people in the world... but I would be willing to bet 9 times out of 10 (maybe more, maybe less... I don't know the statistics) those people want to find their biological parents to find out answers. Where they came from, why they were "abandoned"... the same answers children whose parents separated need to know if they never see the other parent.
To the best of my knowledge, the majority of these children/adults don't turn around and hate the people who raised them in a loving, caring environment. What they don't like is people standing in their way preventing them from finding the answers they need. | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/17/2006 9:40:46 AM | This may be a redundant comment,but I think the best way to avoid this situation is to use birth control in the first place.In some cases,the father does'nt care to help with the child because he barely new the mother!Of course I am not speaking specifically about anyone,but if more people used protection,there would be a lot less accidental parents out there.
And yes I understand that sometimes birth control doesn't work,with 2 out of my three kids,my husband managed to impregnate me while I was on BC,so of course nothing is foolproof,but in this day of AIDS and chlamydia,only a fool wouldn't try to protect themselves.
(I will now sit and wait for the barrage of hate-posts towards me by all those who disagree) | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/17/2006 5:50:13 PM | Here is a novel idea...maybe it deserves it's own thread...who knows...maybe a new movement would start (VERY UNLIKELY) but here goes....
Before you have sex with someone, stop and ask yourself one simple question:
"Is this someone I would want to have a child with?"
People, unless you are sterile (either naturally or as a result of a medical procedure), EVERYTIME you have sex, with or without protection, you COULD make a baby!
There is no 100% effective birth control on the market (except sterilization).
If you do the "crime" be prepared to do "the time".
The problem is that sex is entered into without real consideration of the consequences. Sure, we take birth control and make all reasonable measures to ensure we do not create a child but "oops" pregancies still happen.
It is easy after the fact to point fingers or justify our actions. If you are willing to step up to the plate and accept your responsibility  , if you are not, well you simply should not be having sex PERIOD.
Most of the time, children who are conceived without the intention of doing so, are born to at least one parent who will love, nuture and provide for them (assuming the pregnancy is not terminated). The lucky children are those born to two parents who will love, nuture and provide for them.
On these forums, people feel freer to voice their frustrations and disappointments about the other parent. I don't see anything wrong with venting. We all need it from time to time. | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/17/2006 8:34:31 PM | You know I agree 100% and good on all you dads out there that have taken responsibility for their babies. I'm one of those that has a situation where the dad took of and doesn't want nothing to do with her....but you know what..suck it up and deal with it exactly. The important thing is you have a happy and healthy child that you need to be strong for. Be proud and realize that maybe they're in fact better off without the absent parent. And for all the fathers helping raise their kids..or raising them alone...you have renewed my faith that good men do exist.
cutienurse | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/18/2006 2:53:55 AM | I know what you're saying Single Daddy, however, on behalf of women like myself I just had to reply.
I have worked full time since my girls were three months old. Never collected any amazing benefits from the government and NEVER received a dollars worth of support from their father. AND I allowed them to see him whenever he/they felt the need..
Yes, there are those who abuse the system, their expartners and even their children by making it all about themselves instead of the children in some sick form of GETTING EVEN.
Sad but true.
By all means, you are entitled to hurt and be bitter for a while, but that sort of thing can eat you alive if you let it continue - be careful!
For now I wish you well and peace... | |
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| Justice for the good Fathers!!!
Posted: 12/18/2006 5:11:03 PM | Yes, there is justice for the good fathers ... read on.
2 years ago, I left BC to set my family up for a good life in Alberta. My wife at the time didn't want to wait, as she is part of the "now" generation. I got wind of the situation, hired a PI and caught her red handed cheating, after being tipped off by our old babysitter and a couple of good buddies.
We broke up 2 years ago this Xmas. Signed a separation agreement, no alimony, just child support and an agreement to clear up some joint debts. Went our separate ways, with her into the arms of the man she was cheating with. I also gave her everything, as the kids would need it. I could start again fresh. They are still together today. I at the time was lucky to be making $2500 a month after taxes, just starting out with a new company. My rent, child support, bills and phone bill to keep in touch with my kids was nearly $1500. Man, what a struggle for the first 6 months.
It was hard to keep up at first. I got behind when I wasn't working so much in the spring of 2005. It sucked. I got the "If you don't want to be part of your kids lives then maybe you should just not be in contact, keep paying though." So I scrounged up the money and worked like a dog for 2 months to bring my kids to Edmonton from Vancouver return on VIA Rail in the suimmer. My mom helped out, my work gave me the time off ... in short it took moving mountains to make that happen. That doesn't sound like a Dad who doesn't want anything to do with his kids now, does it? The kids had a blast, Daddy made sure of it. Not a lot of money to spend, even had to be best man at my buddies wedding in Vancouver upon their return. But I made it happen. Chalk one up for single Dads.
October of that year, my ex tells me her b/f and her have decided to move to Calgary. So the kids can be closer. Really it was for him to make more money (he worked at a Canadian Tire lol). He wanted to better himself, which is cool, then take his tickets back to the coast and get a job with a gas company .... a pipe dream if you ask me. Thanks, though, dude.
In 2006 my support levels went down and I files for an uncontested divorce. I asked my ex to see a lawyer in Calgary. The lady lawyers first question was, "What does he have that you want? I can get all of it!" Bi&*h!!! Now we know the reason behind all these messy divorces ... the lawyers. My ex wanted no part of it but still wanted a divorce. I got my own lawyer, the divorce is final Dec. 30/2006. We split the cost 50/50. It will be a happy new year. In the uncontested divorce, I had to attend "Parenting after separation" and agree upon the support levels based on the income tables. Plus I only pay 50/50 on daycare, not proportional as most cases go. In addition, we share custody based on my schedule. Whenever I get time off, I immediately fetch my kids and take them, school or not. We just bring homework along. I pay every 2 weeks via phone banking, which is convenient for my bank statements and she gets the money right away. Family maintenance tried to stick their ugly head into it, but my ex told them to f*%k off. Nicely.
Now in with 2007 approaching, I make 3X the amount with the same company, as a safety advisor. I see my kids for 10 days every 35. My support, including 50% of the daycare, will be $1000.00/month starting Jan 1/2007. Not only do I feel good about paying it but I can still provide myself with a high standard of living. Plus my kids get to know their Dad. My income will keep going up (due to the nature of my job) and the kids will get more too. I told my ex that this money will go towards monthly expenses and that she has to start 2 RESP's for them. At least $100.00/kid/month. I also want to see annual statements. She has agreed.
Has anyone learned anything from this situation?
1. Make any split amicable. Do not put your own self intrests before the childrens. It is petty and your kids will never have a positive, meaningful relationship because of it. Dads, pay for your kids, mistakes or not. Your sons will need you to teach them to be men and your daughters, if they do not know you, will most likely be so starved for male affection that they will take it wherever they can get it once they are teenagers. That will mean possible early pregnancy, drug use and generally speaking just getting involved with the wrong men. Do you really want that?
2. Pay your bills. The children, if they are really yours, require money to grow up strong. So what if your ex spends the money on herself. Call child welfare and prove neglect. Then you may have a case to go before the courts to prove her unfit. Maybe grandma and grampa will be able to help somehow, if you work too much. The are always options.
3. DADS - don't be disheartened. The laws are against you, the rights are not there. But single Dad's are gaining momentum. Check out a local association to see if you can contribute somehow. Maybe learn something or just get it off your chest.
4. Get a job and stick with it. Show some loyalty and drive and you will move up. Nothing is impossible. I went from jughound to safety in 790 days. PAY YOUR DEBTS, support your offspring.
5. Remember that nothing is more important than the psychological well being of your kids.
Hope this helps. Keep you chins up.
For those deadbeat dads who are complaining, either get a paternity test or get some balls and grow up. You aren't men, you are scoundrels and weasels. Too many like you around today, neglecting your children.
Cheers,
Matty
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