| Opinions on first meeting...dinner at my place?
Posted: 12/5/2006 8:01:36 AM | Can't agree with you bike_man. That's not bravery, just stupidity. Basic dating rules 101.
1. You always meet for the first time in a public place where you both arrive separately and you both leave on your own (or not, if you hit it off, but that's another story).
2. No amount of emailing and talking on the phone gives you any real idea about the personality of the person you are talking to. People who think otherwise are fooling themselves. Whether you have three phone calls before a meeting or 300, you still know about as much of the real person on the other end of the phone, basically very little.
3. In reality, there aren't all that many axe murderers out there. That is the extreme. But referring back to number 2, you still don't know a thing about who this guy is and you might not end up getting along once you do meet in person. Do you really want to roll the dice and let him know where you live before you even meet?
4. Having a "gut feeling" is essentially pointless, since you don't have any solid information to base that feeling on (refer back again to number 2).
5. Even though the chances of the man being dangerous are slim, that is no reason not to abide by these common sense rules. | |
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| Opinions on first meeting...dinner at my place?
Posted: 12/5/2006 8:09:55 AM |
Can't agree with you bike_man. That's not bravery, just stupidity. Basic dating rules 101.
I agree with all of your rules Vivante; I was just trying to persuade the OP by not bashing her. She seems to be the headstrong type who when challenged will do the opposite of what the majority would do. I was trying a "softer" approach with the advice. It seems she's going to let someone who she has never met know exactly where she lives. Bad idea.  | |
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| Opinions on first meeting...dinner at my place?
Posted: 12/5/2006 8:10:36 AM | I don't know, for me my home is my sanctuary, no one's gonna know where that is until I have known him quite a while. Once people have been there, it's too easy for them to drive by, look for your car and stop in, or bother you there if you aren't interested and they want to just harass you.
I remember years ago I talked to this guy from AOL for about three days over the phone, he seemed pretty normal. Once I called him from work and left a message during those three days for some reason I don't remember now...well I met him in person at my second job (DJ at nightclub with many bouncers) but I remember him being weird and showing up after hours instead of while we were open, tried to get me to go out to eat with him at like almost 2 am and was real tenacious about it, but finally I got away from him. On the fourth day he changed and started calling my house numerous times during the day - i'd come home to like 43 missed calls every day and no message. Then the work calls started...many voice mails about us being good together and why I didnt want that anymore (we never dated) and the more I avoided him, the worse it got. I finally had to call him and threaten that I would call the authorities. Luckily he never came to my day job, but I was expecting it.
My point is, if someone is nuts, they will show it - but sometimes it's good to have a neutral place to meet once or twice and talk a lot so that you can detect it quickly. That way in case they do change on you after a week or two, there's no loss and they don't have your address. If they do it's a foothold against you, and they could try to use it to scare you into liking them.
I am even weird about them knowing what I drive at first when I meet them; they walk me to my car and I cringe - I just like people to know those things after I have assessed them.
But I have been attempted rape and followed a couple times, so I tend to be a bit more cautious than most. | |
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| Opinions on first meeting...dinner at my place?
Posted: 12/5/2006 8:24:49 AM | Hey bike_man, I agree with your assessment of who she is. She posted here for advice, and seems determined on ignoring anything she doesn't want to hear. Makes me wonder why she bothered with the thread in the first place.
Since she did, all we can do is try to make her see why we think her idea is a bad one. In the end though, it is her decision; we are all adults here. Whatever she chooses and however it works out, she will have to live with the consequences, good or bad. | |
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| Opinions on first meeting...dinner at my place?
Posted: 12/5/2006 8:51:10 AM | Everyone needs to be cautious and careful, going back to listening to your gut. Also, everyone should take precautions, plain and simple. Let others know that you are going to meet so and so at a certain public place etc. The old adage, you cant be too careful. Let us know how it goes, I am genuinely interested and hope the best for you two, that it is all you are hoping it to be.
What I dont understand, look at the many people that go out clubbing, getting drunk at bars, picking people up there and taking them home. Isn't that more prevalent than setting up an internet date with hours spent in getting to know one another? Talk about dangerous when all of your defences are completey faded. I haven't been to a bar to "party" in ages but it was the going thing back in the day that I observed. | |
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| Opinions on first meeting...dinner at my place?
Posted: 12/5/2006 9:21:01 AM | I have NOT ignored any of your comments..
Being told not to does NOT make me want to do it more!
QUADMOM (message #50)...thank you!...your response was right on!..thank you again!!
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| Opinions on first meeting...dinner at my place?
Posted: 12/5/2006 9:29:57 AM | My initial posting did NOT say that I was going to meet him at my home..only that I was contemplating it...
My original question was pertaining to the fact that a man can appear "safe" once you meet him in public...isn't being ALONE with him for the first time really the scarey part?...
I'm just saying..precautions or not...a psycho will be a psycho...but why make it easy for him by having him come to my home right off....I get that.
So I guess the benefit of meeting first in public is that I can weed out the careless..less smooth psychos who don't have their grooming skills up to speed yet. | |
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| Opinions on first meeting...dinner at my place?
Posted: 12/5/2006 10:19:03 AM | Aside from the very real security issues, there is another aspect to meeting in public that is important.
You get to observe how he treats the wait staff, sales clerk, how he pays, if/how much he tips, if he's distacted by other woman or small children......in other words, being in a public setting can give you a lot of information on which to base your next decision regarding spending time together.
Personally, I've always considered the "my home" date an invitation to some level of physical intimacy. | |
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| Opinions on first meeting...dinner at my place?
Posted: 12/5/2006 10:49:06 AM | The irony of the whole situation is that the man in question (of this 'questionable encounter' )has already posted here (msg #38) and stated that he too thinks they ought to meet in public.
SO, now that they are both on POF talking about it and OP has been blasted for even thinking about allowing Mr. 38 to come to her home on a first date...this first date (whether in public or private) WILL go well because they both want to come back to this thread and say "See? Nah, na, na nah na! It all went fine and no one got hurt. You were ALL wrong."
Well, that is exactly what we hope will happen. We don't want you to get hurt. That is why we are cautioning you. | |
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| Opinions on first meeting...dinner at my place?
Posted: 12/5/2006 11:07:09 AM | | Seriously, I have to agree with the others - he might be a terrific man, and just the one for you - but for a first date, do it in public - if things go well, you could always invite him back for coffee. | |
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| Opinions on first meeting...dinner at my place?
Posted: 12/5/2006 11:10:47 AM | | Its just about common sense. You have a 9 yr old daughter....you teach her about strangers, no doubt. I am sure that when she is a little older you will give her the same advice everyone else on this thread is giving you. You don't invite strangers into your home. And he IS a stranger. A month of calls means nothing. You are only seeing one side of him. Chances are, he's great and you will be happy to go out again and then at some point invite him home for dinner and to meet your daughter but believe me, you don't want to do that with every guy you meet on the internet who seems like a "nice" guy. | |
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| Opinions on first meeting...dinner at my place?
Posted: 12/5/2006 11:38:34 AM | My sister had gut feelings too and the guys she met were all nice. I have met 2 ppl while most I met in public. Go with yr gut. Most instincts ppl have turn out good. | |
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| Opinions on first meeting...dinner at my place?
Posted: 12/5/2006 11:50:05 AM | Remember anyone can say and be anyone they choose to on line or on the phone. Just because your an honest and up front gal doesn't mean they are. It may seem you have a lot in common and have the same values; but it could also be that he is adapting to what he thinks you want to hear and what you believe. I am not trying to be negative; I just want you to be safe and what's wrong with meeting the first time in a public place it can be romantic; for instance if you have a Cracker Barrel where you live meet there. This time of year they are likely to have a fire burning in the hearth and they have lamps you can light on the tables. Play it safe, it can still be all you want it to be. If the match is a true one it's not where you meet what happens, chemistry.
Morissa | |
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| Opinions on first meeting...dinner at my place?
Posted: 12/5/2006 4:34:37 PM | | I hope you realize by now all this advice is not just opinions we formed by blowing smoke .. they are based on all of our experiences in the past. You asked for advise and boy did you get it. I think everyone who responded to you.. and I assume you also... has at one time or another met someone in a public place as a first date that went so badly they drove home thinking "thank god he (she) doesnt know where I live!!! We are all just trying to tell you it happens. Even under the best of circumstances with someone you thought you knew... IT HAPPENS! He doesnt even have to be a psycho.. maybe he will be crazy about you but you wont feel the same about him in person.. Do you have a plan ready for how you are going to get him out of your house. Do you already know how he reacts to rejection?? Also surprisingly enough I expected that after his post here on POF we would get posts from other women who have already met him .. good bad or indifferent... hmmmmm food for thought? | |
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| Opinions on first meeting...dinner at my place?
Posted: 12/5/2006 4:47:23 PM | This is from your profile
NO PICTURE = NO RESPONSE...you see me, it's only fair that i see YOU!
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Since he does not have one posted here at POF I assume you have seen one???? | |
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| Opinions on first meeting...dinner at my place?
Posted: 12/5/2006 6:59:14 PM | Hi Everyone, #38 here. You will not hear from other women about me, as one lady suggested, because I am new at this. I didn't post a picture because Upallnite and I met through another site, with pictures, and she invited me here to check out the cool forums.
Being new at this, I am a bit appalled at the assumptions that are being made about me. It may be naiive on my part, but I just can't believe it's that bad out there. If it is, why do you all continue to do this?
I do however, understand the need for caution. I have suggested meeting with family members first (I'm old fashioned enough for that) or with friends.
The fact is, Upallnite is a terrific lady who pretty much had me hooked from the start. I let my heart lead the way, and opened my mind rather than basing everything on physical beauty. Of course the added bonus for me was that she has that as well.
We happen to be very comfortable with each other. We have talked and laughed and even had "heavy" discussions for HOURS every single night for 6 weeks. I wanted to meet on week 2, but out of respect have continued to wait until she felt the time was right.
The place will be her choice as well.
Believe or not my dear cynics, there are decent christian people out there who are looking for a life companion, not just a sexual encounter. I have suggested that if we are truly a match, if truly a lifetime of love awaits us, then we have no reason to rush into each other's homes. I guess because I know myself well enough; that I am perfectly safe and trustworthy, I am incredulous at the suggestion I would do Upallnite any harm. In fact, one of you joked that maybe 'she' is the axe murderer ... but that's not an issue?
We will keep you all updated on how things go. Any of you are welcome to write to me personally and keep in touch.
You are all good hearted enough to care about someone you've never met. Why is it so hard to believe that I truly care for someone that I'VE never met. Open your hearts people. There's a lot of love out there in a lot of imperfect forms. Hiding behind pretenses and "what-ifs" will never allow it in.
As you for Upallnite, search your heart and your mind, then meet me in the place of your choice. You would not offend me by offering to meet outside of your home.
Oh, and one last thing. To the gentleman who asked whether she knows my home phone, my place of emloyment etc ... the answer is yes. She is able to contact me pretty much any time of day. She knows my kids names, my birthday, where I'm from ... everything.
Thank you all for caring so much, and good luck to you all in your search for love and companionship.
Mike (yes ma'am, that's my real name) | |
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iris37
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Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 74 | |
| Opinions on first meeting...dinner at my place?
Posted: 12/5/2006 9:10:09 PM | OMG man who made this about you!!!!!! your little sweety said she was entertainng the idea of meeting "someone" in her home on the first date.....don't take it so personal.
The reality is that there are less than moral people....consider yourself lucky that your sweety got some very constructive critisism that potentially saved her life*( perhaps you not included* remains to be seen thus far)
We do not live in a place of paranoia but when it doesn' fit it doesn't fit...I can hardly wait till she comes back and says how we were all right and that it just didn't click. If it does then I'll be very happy ....highly unlikely though | |
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