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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 12/27/2007 8:44:29 PM | What exactly is the definition of "playing hard to get"?
I was accused of that by a man who, upon the first meeting, asked if I would go out with him. I said yes. He called a number of times, but never actually asked me out then accused ME of playing hard to get.
First -- I wouldn't make any guarantees that I would be anything but a companion on our date. I will not have sex with a stranger. Period. | |
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 12/27/2007 9:05:19 PM | I will presume you are talking about men on e-dating websites. In fact, I found that this is a low slef-esteem issue from both the ones who chase you and the ones who contact you then play hard to get with you. If you like someone just express yourself and leave it there. This chasing thing is all about them wanting to feel "popular" or not rejected. You are at no fault. And from my personal experience, the best cure for someone who plays hard to get is to totally and wholly ignore them and forever. They will get you caught up in web of feeling manipulated and even if they take a serious step forward with you, you will be always deliberately left guessing. They like it that way. You deserve a lot better!
All the best! | |
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 12/27/2007 10:58:06 PM | Melo said:
Pink Rose Lady, I respectfully suggest that dynamic is a leftover viewpoint of how things "were, back in the day" that you and I were teenagers. It no longer applies, especially not for mature adults, post divorce.
Oh well, Melo, here we go again, hmm? I'm going to attempt to respectfully disagree in the posting that follows. It won't be easy.
In my experience, the men who will put up with that dynamic, and chase without "getting", are men who are somewhat or uncertain about their ability to "find someone", so they can fall into a belief that they "have to try" for someone, even if it's a confusing dynamic. It's angst, not admiration, that propels that "chasing" dynamic, and men who know that they can easily find someone, aren't going to do it.
Certainly they can easily find someone who is going to get naked on the first to third date, quickly. I doubt anyone would argue with you on that, but what exactly are they finding, is the question to ask. Is it really anything that god knows how many men haven't already had before? And why would you think that you're somebody special who's getting it now? It's not like it's not regularly shared freely and immediately, is it? So what does that mean, really, this experience your notching onto your belt? What's it really worth?
It's also not about someone being a "pushover". That too, is from "back in the day", an old "courtship ritual" that was from the 50s and started phasing out in the 70s. For most men I know, it's "reciprocity" that fuels the interest, not a woman pretending to be "reluctant".
Okay well, you've determined that this old courtship ritual is from the fifties and has now been phased out and that women who don't drop their drawers instantly are simply "playing games" or "pretending to be reluctant." Well, I beg to differ, Melo. That's just you're opinion, again. And it's your not so subtle way of attempting to turn women of all ages into unthinking sperm dispensers for your and everyone else's use. Excercising some morals, being particular and choosy, and taking the time to know someone well is not a game of playing hard to get. Nor does every woman need to feel that if she isn't ready for instant sex that she's not a grown up woman. Do you ever stop with this stuff? I guess not.
Of course, everything "works" for some people, so maybe it works for you, just as it "used to be", but not for me, and not for others I know. It's too much of a "buyer's market" for a man to put up with difficulty early on in things.
As I've already said, what exactly are you "buying" in your "buyers market," Melo? I don't think you're getting a very good prize there. What you're getting is something that comes very easily to probably anyone who wants it, aren't you? I mean, who can't have it apparently? lol.... I mean if it came to you that easy, why do you think you're something special? I don't really think that's something to brag about, do you? | |
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 12/28/2007 12:08:45 AM | I want to clarify something regarding this topic that I think is important that I'm not seeing many people here pointing out. Playing hard to get intentionally is a game. It's childish, stupid, and beneath most mature women.
However --
Having genuine respect for oneself, being choosy, picky, particular about who one shares herself with, having some morals, not wanting to hand one's body out right away -- these things are not "playing hard to get." These are very different animals.
It is quite easy to make one's interest in the opposite sex clear without a need to rush into sexual intimacy immediately. A gentle squeeze of the hand, a quick hug, a peck on the cheek, a special smile, stating the honest truth that you're definitely interested in him, that you think he's special and really want to see him again -- all of these get the message across.
There is no need to rush into the sexual side of things; in fact, if you rush into the sexual side of things with every one of your dates, how many partners will you have racked up by the time you're fifty? And how many STD's might you have exposed yourself to and possibly even caught? And what will your emotional worth be after you've given your body to countless men who really didn't value you for much more than a good time? What are you going to feel about yourself when they've walked away, after taking advantage of what you so generously put out there for their use, which they used and walked away from, prepared to go and do it yet again with the next one who will offer it as easily? I mean when does it stop?
Are we all just supposed to use one another in a casual, meaningless way until we tire of doing one another and then move onto the next serial "relationship?" Is this what "love" has turned into in the era 2000?
And the opposite of this is supposedly "playing hard to get?" Being a person who has some self respect and excercises some morality in her life means that a woman is playing hard to get and is not a mature woman, and that she is living in the 1950's, outdated, etc..
Give me a break...are there really intelligent people out there actually buying this? | |
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 12/28/2007 12:33:32 AM | | I think many times people do not mean to play hard to get. They might be talking to other people too and unless you are really dating this person they have every right to do this. Yes some do play hard to get but that happens in life too and not just on a dating site. | |
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 12/28/2007 3:42:53 AM | Okay well, you've determined that this old courtship ritual is from the fifties and has now been phased out and that women who don't drop their drawers instantly are simply "playing games" or "pretending to be reluctant." Well, I beg to differ, Melo. That's just you're opinion, again. And it's your not so subtle way of attempting to turn women of all ages into unthinking sperm dispensers for your and everyone else's use. Excercising some morals, being particular and choosy, and taking the time to know someone well is not a game of playing hard to get.
Southernlass, my post (message #100) said nothing about sex, and wasn't about sexuality. It was reactive to post #99, immediately preceding it, and in reference to the OT. That's when women proclaim that they "play hard to get" in terms of initial interest in a man. In other words, play a game to subtly "encourage" a man to pursue them, but feign only casual interest, so that he'll "chase" harder.
My response to that is that, yes, some men will fall into that "game", but they are usually insecure men. Women who deliberately "play games", thinking that will "hook" a man, based on some old model of the 50s, are, in today's world, "game playing".
In your second post, you specifically referenced that a woman CAN express interest, apart from sexuality. Then you went back to a rant about sexuality. As far as I can tell about this thread, that's an off topic discussion, best left to other threads. When and how relationships become sexual has nothing to do with the topic of this thread, so far as I can tell. There are other threads that reference that part of things, but I choose not to engage an off topic discussion of things that have been discussed at other times in other threads.
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 12/28/2007 4:24:10 AM | I seem to date alot, so I simply dont have time to wonder what I should do. But there are definitely rules of attraction, and interactions may have something to do with it. What do you prefer? Do you like a man that calls you all the time, or do you prefert someone that is a little hard to get....I think it works the same for both sexes. There is some personal preference involved .
In my opinion if iti s meant to be....he will call you.
You should read the book..."He's just not that into you"...a good read, but take it with a grain of salt..... | |
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 12/28/2007 6:33:19 AM | Look a little deeper at that. You're ignoring the ones that pay attention to you. The ones that you pay attention to are ignoring you. There is a balance. Not to be insulting, and consider I don't know your situation anymore than you've put into this forum, but find a balance of things you need and then look for what you want within what is available. You may be passing up some good situations.
-if you're a math geek: Beauty x Brains = C
-Never settle for less than you deserve. As soon as you do, you'll get less than you settled for.
I don't know where that came from, but I've been saying it for years! ;) | |
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 12/28/2007 10:04:16 AM | *My Perception * . .
The women that 'play hard to get' seem to be the Exceptionally Attractive ones . .
The ones that most men only Dream about . .The Conceited ones . . The Golddiggers . .
The ones with such high 'standards' and 'needs', that 95% of the men that are attracted to them .. aren't even minisculely qualified to interest them . . !
I admire a Pretty Lady . . and have told Many of them so . .
But I understand that I would be 'Playing-Well-outside-my-League' if I were to expect
any form of reply to anything more than an expression of Admiration . . !
-..still . . " Suprises Happen!! " . .  | |
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 12/28/2007 11:12:51 AM | | Quite the opposite. There's no way I'd be attracted to a woman who intentionally makes it difficult for me to arrange a date with her. (That's how I define "playing hard to get".) Of course, I'm willing to put effort into it, but if it look like things are going nowhere, I'll keep my self-respect and bail. While I'm aware that I might miss out on meeting someone who might be shy or very busy, I just prefer not to waste my time. After all, it's the year 2008 (in a few days), and effort should be mutual. Also, there are probably women out there that enjoy watching a man pursue them, solely for the ego boost. I think that goes against the progress we made as a society, so I don't want to be a part of it. | |
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 12/28/2007 3:14:23 PM | southernlass,
I'm sorry, but you're completely missing the point. This "playing hard to get" theme has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. It has to do with someone intentionally waiting for the other person to initiate. You pointed out that this "game" is childish and stupid, which it is. You also correctly pointed out that there is no need for a woman, or a man for that matter, to rush into sex. That, however, is a topic for a different discussion and not what we are talking about here. | |
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 1/1/2008 7:45:09 PM | krookie,
I'm sorry you feel this way. I don't believe I'm missing the point at all but obviously you are missing my point. I think the theme has numerous little parts contained within it that influence one's overall perspective on the topic. Many feel that "playing hard to get" has to do with choosing not to be sexually intimate immediately, many feel that playing hard to get is the very definition of not being intimate on a first, second, or third date etc. What men prefer in regard to this is subjective at best.
There are several people on the first page of this thread and through out the thread itself that have discussed whether men are attracted to a woman playing hard to get, sexually speaking and otherwise. I don't believe you've called their posts down as off topic. I simply pointed out that women being choosy about who they sleep with and how quickly is not what I would term "playing hard to get," and also pointed out that I do believe men are subconsciously much more attracted to and respect those who hold back on physical intimacy versus those who do not. I may have also gone off on a bit of a rant as I'm very passionate about this particular topic and its side issues, but I think I'm still on topic, even if you don't perceive it as such. Now if a moderator disagrees, I won't be surprised to find my post(s) removed, nor will I argue with him or her. These matters of what is on topic and what is off are also often entirely subjective.
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 1/1/2008 9:18:25 PM |
I don't believe I'm missing the point at all but obviously you are missing my point. I think the theme has numerous little parts contained within it that influence one's overall perspective on the topic. Many feel that "playing hard to get" has to do with choosing not to be sexually intimate immediately, many feel that playing hard to get is the very definition of not being intimate on a first, second, or third date etc.
Since you pointed earlier remarks at me, regarding the sexual aspect, let me make it clear. Not having sex on a first, second, or third date is not what I'd call "playing hard to get". It's what I'd call either "not compatible", or "she's just not that into me", but playing hard to get is a "game" that comes earlier.
It's the woman who deliberately makes the earliest aspects of arranging a date full of "just out of reach". She's the woman who says "call me" and gives me her number, but then doesn't answer, and doesn't return the voice message, but then suggests again to call her, and the same nonsense all over again. Needless to say, I don't play that game now, but teens, and early twenties, I got my head spun around a few times by women who do this.
In any case, some women have this theory that guys will want them "more" if they stay "just out of reach", and that works, sometimes, to create "angst" for guys at a point in life, where they're trying to figure out who they are, but most centered, older men, really don't have time for that "reluctant ingenue" game. | |
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 1/1/2008 10:18:02 PM | I am not attracted to hard to get women at all.
I like approachable women. Todays' women seem to have a do not come near me look for the most part. Maybe they think that is sexy. Who knows.
The ones that do not exhibit this are usually the ones that are dating in the real world.
I dated a woman that was attractive but no great beauty. Yet she was approachable and she had all the dates she wanted. | |
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 1/1/2008 10:37:54 PM |
I have noticed that the men I don't want to be with are the one's calling me 10 times a day, even after telling them just friends. The one's I like and try to be with by being available when they call or email, tend to run. This happens even if they contacted me first. can anyone tell me what I should do. Im thinking about ignoring the one I like....
southernlass,
Perhaps we're making two different points. I've put up the OP's post above. Doesn't talk about sex. Says "being with", but my impression of that is simply "interacting with". Perhaps I'm wrong. However...and this will scream how I have WAY too much time on my hands...  I just went back through the posts and #39 and #64 are the ONLY ones to even mention sex, and #39 mentions it as an example of the extreme. So, I'm not sure why we're taking different views from the posts. I do understand what you are saying and where your definition of the phrase "hard to get" is coming from. And I certainly didn't mean that your posts should be taken down. I just don't think that the original post was talking about sex at all. And I believe that the vast majority of the responses were speaking to the aspect of relating in a dating sense, not an intimate one. So, I'll still respectfully disagree. | |
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 1/1/2008 10:40:50 PM | Haven't read all the posts so can't speak except from my own experience here.
Been close pals with a multitude of men all my life and not ONE of them likes a gal that plays hard to get for long. Maybe a shy glance or so when they are first getting to know each other, but the cat n mouse thing? no. Making yourself tooo available? Bending over backward to please them, or appearing needy? Dunno if that would work or not, as all my ex's always said I was so self sufficient that I never seemed to need them for anything. They were right. I didn't need them...didn't mean I didn't want them though, I'd just been so independant by necessity for to long. I didn't mean to make them feel like I had no use for them...didn't even realize it made them feel that way til they said somethin about it. I just didn't want them feeling like I was draining the blood out of them, so to speak, like alota gals do, and I was raised that if you don't get things (whatever it is) on your own, ya don't need it in the first place. Those guys didn't know how to handle that line of livin....they were used to the limp lillies who were always in a "help poor lil me you big strong man" mode. That is about as far from me as a person can get. Maybe that's how those guys see you...."poor lil Sheilarae...sittin here allllll alone.....needin to hear from her beaus......." click! Maybe they want a mix of what you were doing and what I've done....maybe they want you to need them, but have a life of your own where you aren't available. I know it don't make much sense...but then you are not a man are ya? | |
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 1/1/2008 10:45:56 PM | I have the same exact problem as you! Nice to hear of someone else in the same dilema. I think they get scared or just want a one nite stand and they realize that isn't what we are about! | |
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 1/1/2008 11:45:19 PM | delivered 1 said:
Overcompensating or being too eager to please will lessen a man's respect; it will give the kiss of death to his attraction, and it will put a time limit on the relationship.
If a woman were to chase a man in a black nightie, first he'll have sex with her..and then he'll run. Why does a man run from a situation like this one? He runs because the woman's behavior doesn't suggest that she places a high value on herself. The relationship is new, and the bond between them is relatively shallow. Yet she's already dealt him her best card.
The fact that she is willing to overcompensate to a virtual stranger immediately suggest on of two things. He'll either assuem she is desperate, or he'll assume she is willing to sleep with all men right away. Or both. What gets lost is his appreciation for her extra effort. Once a man begins to lose respect for a woman because she is willing to subtly devalue herself, he will also lose the desire to get closer to her.
Krookie,
the above, message 14 and message 25 are primarily where I took the majority of my rant, lol. I honestly skimmed the rest of the posts, except for Melo felo's, as I already know I disagree with him the majority of the time so when I see his posts I read them carefully as I'm pretty much certain I'm about to go offensive head to head with him regarding "the old paradigm" and the past versus this new equalivalent era of sexuality and yada yada yada.
Regardless, I didn't have time to read the whole thread word for word and primarily agreed with the above poster and his perspective in terms of where he was coming from regarding this topic. His above post initiated my own traveling into a different vein of the thread. I'm sorry you and I are still in disagreement. It's all right though, I think we'll live through it. -pats gently-
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| Are men more attracted to women that play hard to get?
Posted: 1/1/2008 11:58:37 PM | Melo felo said:
It's the woman who deliberately makes the earliest aspects of arranging a date full of "just out of reach". She's the woman who says "call me" and gives me her number, but then doesn't answer, and doesn't return the voice message, but then suggests again to call her, and the same nonsense all over again. Needless to say, I don't play that game now, but teens, and early twenties, I got my head spun around a few times by women who do this.
In any case, some women have this theory that guys will want them "more" if they stay "just out of reach", and that works, sometimes, to create "angst" for guys at a point in life, where they're trying to figure out who they are, but most centered, older men, really don't have time for that "reluctant ingenue" game.
I find myself agreeing with you here (a frightening thought) and thus I'm not sure what to do as I'm so used to wanting to strangle you on a regular basis. -chuckle- but needless to say, you are right that this is a most immature way of behaving and certainly something someone probably inexperienced would do, or would it simply be someone who has little empathy and compassion for a man's feelings? It's unfortunate that there are women playing these kind of games with the feelings of others. And I agree that this is definitely playing a person and wouldn't be tolerated by myself were someone to try it on me. | |
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