|
|
|
|
|
| New Beginnings - Joyful or Stressful
Posted: 12/29/2006 6:39:50 AM | Thank you for those of you who are sharing your personal experiences and to those of you that are offering sage advice (Lady of the Lake among others).
I posted this thread because of course this has been a challenge for me over my lifetime, the old once bitten twice shy routine. While I realize on an intellectual level that not being open to risking one's heart only guarantees that I won't be loved, there is a sense of security in that which can be appealing.
I have spent plenty of time and emotionally energy in the awareness department and I seem to be just fine until having someone in my life starts to matter to me. The fear of unrequited feelings becomes very intense and can lead me to sabotage any new relationship, which is really a shame because I am a good person, worthy of love and respect but few get the chance to realize that about me before the relationship ends. I remain friends with some who over time as they get to know me have all commented on this ability I have to push people away. It is truly amazing the lengths that I will go to at times to push good men away from me just in case they might just find me unlovable.
Lately, I have met someone that I enjoy spending time with and in the past week, the "crazies" set in and I had a great deal of difficulty reigning myself in. I managed, somewhat, but not before sending out an e-mail to him saying that I sensed he was not that "into me". The thing is, while I do enjoy spending time with this man, I am still not even sure that he and I are compatible enough to be more than friends. I am however it seems more focused on where he might be than where I am.
A close friend of 10 years said something to me the other day, he said, "It is not just in loving that you have the problem, it is in being loved." He was absolutely correct.
I guess this is why I created this post. We all have different experiences and different outlooks and this is a great way to pick up "nuggets of wisdom" and to read stories of love as it blossoms (helps to keep the faith).
In the meantime, I am trying to relax and take the advice I gave to myself when I started this thread. It was really good advice, nice to know I can sometimes be a good friend to myself. | |
|
| New Beginnings - Joyful or Stressful
Posted: 12/29/2006 7:06:02 AM |
Do you at some point begin to worry about putting your heart at risk again?
Don't kid yourself, the heart is an extremely resilient organ, one whos mass can bear many scars & still beat on.....careful though, it has an astounding memory. Truly remarkable.
All & all, I would say both. I find change refreshing, most don't, after all most of us tend to be creatures of habit.
When it comes done to it though, indesicion & hesitation results in loss, to falter is to fall......far too many people these days would rather sit on their ass crying over their sad sordid lives, encumbered by the past & watch the world pass them by instead of doing something about it. Why, it would take effort to do that & the fact is, most people are just lazy & weak.
F*ck the past, suck it up, learn from it & move on......welcome to reality. | |
|
pensky
|
Joined: 12/19/2006
Msg: 28 | |
| New Beginnings - Joyful or Stressful
Posted: 12/29/2006 7:57:28 AM | OP: I understand what you mean about being more "focused on where he might be" than where you are in the relationship. Gee, that's got to be normal, after all--doesn't it? I know a person should self-reflect and keep one's feelings sorted and "reigned in" in a sense, but while you're trying to do that, you automatically know at least what kind of feeling your dealing with because it's you.
I think I also understand from a perspective of having a problem "being loved". I have a problem with that, I suppose. I mean, that's what I've been told. It's a hard thing to come to terms with. I think it's hard for a person like me, and maybe you, to see why-- if I do have a problem being loved--do people seem to have a problem with that?
Being in love for me this last time, was often like an out of body experience. I would see him loving this person--and that person was me--and it was really hard to integrate that into my psyche. The feelings you feel, you really can't help. A person doesn't choose to lose her mind, nor does she choose to fall madly in love.
Gosh, good luck. You can't stop being who you are. I hope you find someone who wants to be there for you and by happy coincidence, vice versa. That's what everybody wants, regardless of personal problems. | |
|
|
|
Home
login