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Posted: 10/8/2007 8:02:32 AM | Where to start, jealousy is not
Jealousy is an insecure childish emotion.Some people are mature, and secure enough, that they don't get jealous
We have to look at peoples motivation when they post here. Most want themselves to seem emotionally stable, secure, confident whatever in order to appear in the best light to potential suitors.They don't really say or express opinions that reflect how they "really" are. Any person who never feels any jealousy in regards to someone that is their signifigant other is lying or sociopathic...few want to admit that they sometimes get jealous because jealousy is conisdered by many to be an undesirable trait when looking for a mate. Like the last poster said
too much jealousy is awful but none at all can be just as bad I looked up the definition and one of them really appealed to me "Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival." This makes me think that jealousy is "normal" and that we have genetic predispositon towards jealousy. If our purpose as Humans is to find a mate propagate the species then having feelings of jealousy when you perceive someone as a threat to that relationship is not only normal but necessary. Also for those that profess to never feel jealousy at all, the other part of the definiton says "a valued realtionship", maybe you just don't place enough value on the other person and the relationship and place to much on your mature secure self... | |
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Posted: 10/8/2007 8:06:54 AM |
I asked him if he would be a teeny bit jealous if I dated other men, and his reply was no.
sounds like you were testing him to see if he'd feel jealous so you could feel good about yourself and it flew back in your face.
heh.
i like that guy already.
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Posted: 10/8/2007 3:19:17 PM |
i dont get jelous. ppl like me dont get jelous. jelousy is for insecure ppl
See bathurstfish's second post. He seems to be one of few that understand that most of you are obviously uncomfortable with your own feelings, and he basically deduces that you people are trying entirely too hard to be "healthy" individuals, while you really have have your own "childish" tendancies like the rest of us.
( i know this is hard for you to understand, because you would like to justify your own jelous tendancies)
As for me, and related to my "insecurities", I am comfortable with who I am, feeling when I should feel, fighting when I should fight, and knowing when to stand down. I don't buy into your idealogies of "I am perfect" and "I am healthy" and "I know how to approach every given situation", because in essence, a lot of you are saying that betrayal doesn't hurt you, and other people have no control over you.
If you never give another person the power to hurt you, you have never commited to that person, plain and simple, and I certainly would never date anyone with this kind of fear of commitment. Hmm... maybe you all are the insecure ones, afraid to relinquish any "control" you think you have by empowering someone else with the ability to affect your emotions.
In essense, I don't believe your "I am bulletproof" statements, and if I did, I would suspect you are sociopathic and unfeeling, or otherwise willing to comprimise your sense of morality and need for self-respect to maintain this bulletproof appearance to yourself and those around you. Ultimately you will suffer for this self-delusion, and so will your partner, isolating these God-given instincts and resultantly alienating yourself. Have fun. | |
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Posted: 10/8/2007 3:51:08 PM | """I know how to approach every given situation", because in essence, a lot of you are saying that betrayal doesn't hurt you, and other people have no control over you.""
the things i never said >> that im bullet proof, that i am perfect, that i dont commit fully to someone.
i never said being betrayed doesnt hurt, in fact i said that i do get hurt, what i dont get is jelous. i dont relinquish control, for one key reason, I am the one responsible for my emotions and reactions. i dont blame anyone else for this nor do i give them responsibility for me, i.e. control over me. if someone has the need or desire to control another person, that again is unhealthy for both that person and the one who is involved with them
i dont have to try hard, or at all to have a healthy attititude, i simply have one. its no effort at this point.
"If you never give another person the power to hurt you",
\why would you want to give anyone the power to hurt you?? now ya just sound moronic. | |
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Posted: 10/8/2007 3:52:05 PM | etourdi,
Right on, man. I think often times it's a game of "look at what I wrote." So many people trying to convey how "strong" and "secure" they are, while to the trained eye, you can see the full spectrum of insecurity beneath.
Human interaction can truly be a mindless game sometimes. | |
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Posted: 10/9/2007 5:21:13 AM | ( i know this is hard for you to understand, because you would like to justify your own jelous tendancies)
As for me, and related to my "insecurities", I am comfortable with who I am, feeling when I should feel, fighting when I should fight, and knowing when to stand down. I don't buy into your idealogies of "I am perfect" and "I am healthy" and "I know how to approach every given situation", because in essence, a lot of you are saying that betrayal doesn't hurt you, and other people have no control over you.
i used the word "tendancies" you used "insecurities". a rather telling change on your part.
further,, i do wonder if you have ever heard the one, " i cant control what ppl do toward me but i can control how i respond to it"
even if you have never heard it, do you understand it?
it is not reasonable nor healthy to try to control someone or allow them to control you in a relationship.
the reader has to wonder, with all your attention toward "control" or lack therein, then blaming the control issue as to why jelousy is normal and healthy, if in fact you are trying to cover up something by justifying these things. you do protest so on the matter. | |
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Posted: 10/9/2007 5:26:58 AM | We have to look at peoples motivation when they post here. Most want themselves to seem..................
>giggles and smiles to self< i honestly dont spend one second of time on how i am percieved. i know who i am, and how i am. i can put head to pillow at nite with a clear concious. i dont have anything to prove to anyone anymore. i matured out of that necessity. in the final analogy,,ppl are going to draw their own conclusions about me based on their personal dialogues and agendas. this having nothing to do with who i actually am.
which is a further demonstration of the contention,, jelousy is not healthy, therefor, not normal or reasonable reaction.
but since you and your counterpart there claim it is,, i do wonder, when you all get jelous, how does that emotion manifest itself? | |
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Posted: 10/9/2007 5:33:00 AM | Just because some people are jealous does not mean that every one is, nor does it mean that those who aren't don't feel or don't care.
It's trust that's the key..if I trust my partner, why would I get jealous? I have nothing to be jealous about. Girls can flirt with him but I know where his heart lies...and who he's coming home to.
If I don't trust him then there is something wrong with the relationship. Or with me.
Which of course has nothing to do with the OP's question. If a committed partner told me I could see other men then I would have to take that as he wanted to see other people also, and therefore there is a conflict between what I want and what he wants. I need to decide if that is something I wish to accept or not. I would be hurt, not jealous. It's not really about others, it's about us. | |
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Posted: 10/9/2007 5:41:38 AM | | Renda, you've been told more than once now, it's up to you to choose to listen to the truth or keep your head in the sand. He is NOT your boyfriend. You might think he is, but he's NOT. He doesn't CARE what you do. He doesn't CARE if you two are exclusive. | |
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Posted: 10/9/2007 8:16:01 AM | I think that in at least a semi-serious relationship there is some jealousy involved. It wouldn't be natural otherwise.
It may not be verbal jealousy - could be very subtle such as putting an arm around your waist & pulling you against him, holding your hand, putting a hand at the back of your neck - just something to signal that you are with HIM. Works for me. | |
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Posted: 10/9/2007 8:21:23 AM |
I guess what precipitated my asking him that was the fact that he said I could date other men
my guess is that this has very little to do with jealousy and a lot to do with him not wanting to be your bf anymore. | |
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Posted: 10/9/2007 9:10:04 AM |
do wonder, when you all get jelous, how does that emotion manifest itself? You are not a guy so I will try to give an example so that you may understand the process...Imagine you are standing in line at Mc Donalds you haven't eaten all day and feel like you are starving.You saved just enough money for the Big Mac value meal.The place is really crowded,you order your food, waiting is so painful,they place it on the counter.Your stomach growls, you are so hungry.The people in line eye your food, so you pick it up and walk quickly to the table outside to eat.You sit down, open the box and remove the Big Mac, as you lift it towards your mouth you start to salivate, you can't wait to take your first bite, after all Big Macs are your favorite,just as you start to take your first bite you notice someone standing next to you staring hungrily at your Big Mac..you grip the burger tighter and turn away a little and kind of hunch your shoulders to shield your Big Mac from the hungry bystander.......
jealousy sometimes manifests itself in such a way that we are not aware of of it,it is more a response, not much thought involved......hope I have been helpful... | |
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Posted: 10/9/2007 9:28:13 AM | Just wondering is why would you want someone to be jealous?
I dunno, if I was in an exclusive relationship, (exclusive from both sides) I wouldn't be worried about it. If I wasn't then it wouldn't matter.
The way I look at it, is if you want to be with the other person you want to be with them, you are secure in your relationship, there isn't any room for jealousy in that case. If you don't want to be with someone and are going out because of that, there still isn't any reason for jealousy. | |
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Posted: 10/9/2007 9:28:46 AM | ROTFLMAO,, you sure did help, in fact you cleared up what i suspected all along,, you are an immature male,, you will take no responsibility for your responces and thats why you blame an unhealthy emotion and an unhealthy responce to some of the things you face that are stressful. i give back to you for the example of your claim, your own words
"jealousy sometimes manifests itself in such a way that we are not aware of of it,it is more a response, not much thought involved"
you are in fact, responsible for your responces. ask any judge
let me now give you an example of a jelous responce to stimuli.
you and a date our out for the evening, you are sitting waiting for your order to arrive at the table. you notice a guy at the bar checking out your date, you begin to question her about what she did to encourge this, and/or you approach they guy and get verbally and/or physically confrontational with him about where he is looking.
your responce is wraught with anger, indignation, and feelings of disrespect. all the while you are making an ass of yourself thinking and acting as though you have the right to control ppls actions and thoughts. perhaps the man at the bar was looking at your date thinking he might recognize her, or that she resembled some celebrity, or perhaps he was simply commenting to himself, "lucky fella that is who gets to share dinner with her". but instead you automatically think the worst and your machismo comes out to play. >
and because of how it manifests itself it is unhealthy, unreasonable and certainly not a behavior of a normal intelligent well adjusted human being. | |
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Posted: 10/9/2007 9:48:07 AM | No, I am being realistic, people who are passionate are emotionally responsive.
It doesn't matter that you respond, it is how act on the response that makes the Difference.
Wow! You sure went to the extreme with your example,there was no violence in my example.
If I were the man on the date in your scenerio I would say honey that dude is checking you out and smile....I love being with women who others find attractive.... And before you say it ,I know that probably shows I am maladjusted as well but I can live with it... | |
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Posted: 10/9/2007 11:02:14 AM | responding to your posts and altruists posts is like talking to a brick wall. NEITHER OF YOU GET IT!
UMM and if you can be at all honest with yourself, the body language in your example leans toward the violent. but i dont expect you can see it or have the capacity for personal honesty either. | |
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Posted: 10/9/2007 10:20:51 PM | p-trish,
I stated "insecurity" in response to a previous comment about the definition of jealousy. And, no I don't get it. That much you are right about. There is a point at which jealousy is terribly destructive, but the total absence of a protective response is disturbing to me.
I don't want some dull relationship where two people are "coexisting" and "mingling" without ever connecting and without both feeling a sense of genuine ownership toward each other. Like etourdi said, it's about passion.
Passion is defined as
1. Boundless Enthusiasm
2. Ardent Love
To not be reasonably protective about the object of your passion is a total contradiction, so you either have to choose to be passionate or choose to be dull. You can't have both. | |
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Posted: 10/10/2007 2:11:35 AM |
responding to your posts and altruists posts is like talking to a brick wall. NEITHER OF YOU GET IT!
If this is the case then WHY do YOU post in reply to them? LOL Wouldn't it be prudent to state your opinion or feelings or whatever and then see if any thing worthwhile follows? Once you see you're only engaging in an arguement why persist? No offense to Altruist but he does like to have the last word regardless what that word is and will change things or interject new issues in order to keep the exchange going. Some people like to argue no matter what the point is or what side they're on---they just like to keep things going.
You'll find the best way to end something like this is for YOU to STOP first! You'll see how quickly the arguements end. | |
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Posted: 10/10/2007 2:17:20 AM | If a woman asked me a question like that
"would i be jealous if she dated other guys "
I would dump her arse as the answer | |
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Posted: 10/10/2007 4:21:09 AM | jwa?? why do i reply,, BECAUSE ITS A PUBLIC FORUM. secondly ,, i do happen to hold out hope for even the dumbest of those among us.
You'll find the best way to end something like this is for YOU to STOP first! You'll see how quickly the arguements end.
how cute,, arrogance. that was about at mature as these two clowns thinking jelousy is healthy. | |
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Posted: 10/10/2007 4:42:34 AM | | Wow, this is taking me way back in retrospect. I was just like your bf and when faced with that situation and being asked about jealously, it never phased me because the gf that I had wasn't the only gf and that's why I never got jealous because doing my own dirt. | |
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Posted: 10/10/2007 4:49:01 AM | i have to admit im guilty of arm wrestling with the 'green eyed monster' with my guy occassionally, and it unfortunately wins...its usually over his perception of other women,ie, objectifying them in my presence, to which i will admit feels a little uncomftorable so i do react by pointing that out...but the jealousy doesn't cloud my judgement for too long and things go back to the normal flow fairly quickly...
however, i do wish i didnt feel that way, call it insecurity, maybe it is or maybe i am a little 'traditional' and have a different perception to whats 'acceptable' for me without feeling devalued...not sure...but im working on it... | |
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Posted: 10/10/2007 7:37:28 AM | I have several thoughts about your "boy friend" comment, but I'll pass on it.
I will say that it is completely normal to be a little jealous. I for one am only jealous when I have to be, which hopefully is rare. | |
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Posted: 10/10/2007 12:39:23 PM | Wow people. Now I'm dumb and immature. Nice to know you have resorted to name-calling to illustrate your viewpoints.
I have a different way of putting this that may lead to some sort of compromise, that is if you all still have the ability to step back and actually examine the statement without being preoccupied by my idiocy.
Jealousy - The quality of being jealous; earnest concern or solicitude;
painful apprehension of rivalship in cases nearly affecting
one's happiness; painful suspicion of the faithfulness of
husband, wife, or lover.
compersion - 1. opposite of jealousy - Being happy that a lover (or long-term partner) is fulfilled in loving relationship with another.
2. The positive feelings one gets when a lover is enjoying another relationship.
3. Term most often used to describe positive feelings experienced by practitioners of polyamory.
Surely we can be jealous, compersive, or indifferent right? If we choose indifference, we are effectively saying that we are indifferent to polyamory, even concerning our own relationship. That's disturbing, people, and no, it's not normal.
And no, I'm not arguing to argue. I'm arguing because you all are saying rivalry should never occur, despite the situation. If you really believe this, I think you are self-deluded. I will not go into the specifics and full dynamics of "not-so-innocent" encounters and what justifies a protective response, but certainly there is a point at which this response is inevitable, and not always the result of some skewed perspective.
If you trust someone, you are empowering them. That means they can hurt you. They means they can affect you. I think an indifferent attitude indicates a lack of trust and lack of expectation. These are the roots of commitment issues. | |
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Posted: 10/10/2007 12:57:22 PM | | Simmer down, P-Trish. I'd say the irrational anger you've been displaying towards anyone who has a differing opinion isn't particularly healthy. So far the "immature clowns" have managed to keep their emotions in check far better than you have. | |
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