| jealousy
Posted: 10/10/2007 1:18:50 PM | Look I would love to come and discuss this further with you and others, but I really do not appreciate being called names and having my morals or my character questioned...
This is what you said to the ones who like me, said they weren't jealous people by nature...
" I would suspect you are sociopathic and unfeeling"
"Ultimately you will suffer for this self-delusion"
"If you never give another person the power to hurt you, you have never commited to that person, plain and simple"
Etc...etc...etc....
I mean, was it really necessarry to call anyone a sociopath? Or to say that someone was "unwilling" to commit if they somehow happened to think differently than you do?
I was married for over 20 years and I believe I know the meaning of the word commitment.... so yes, I personally found your comments to be very offensive. And although I would love to come and talk about this further with you, because you DO bring some good valid points, I'm afraid my skin isn't thick enough for those words......but that's just me and this is just my honest opinion.
Take care and good luck to you...
Love and peace 
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Posted: 10/10/2007 1:19:42 PM | i talk to A LOT of guys. one of my best friend is a guy. i ask him if he ever gets jealous, and he said no. he said he doesn't get jealous, not one bit.
i asked, what if i went to dinner 'date' with them, then what? he said, i can do whatever i want. i'm with him because i want to. but if i ever cheat on him, it's over.
he said being jealous is a waste of energy. he used to, but he learned that it leads nowhere but frustrations. | |
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Posted: 10/10/2007 2:10:35 PM | oldsoul,
I do appologise if I have offend you. It was not my intention to do so. Certainly it is your right to have an opinion. Allow me to explain my motivations for making the statements I did.
If you never give another person the power to hurt you, you have never commited to that person, plain and simple.
I firmly believe this one to be true, and that many people cop-out with the age-old defense of "I'm not responsable for your feelings." In a relationship, your behavior directly affects your partner's feelings. I know of no one in this world that is commited, and yet immune to their partners actions. It's contradictory to state otherwise.
As to the other comments about sociopathy and self-delusion, these are strictly refering to the worst cases (as I have been presented with), in which there are people who state, in essence, that they can deal with the worst and most provoking behavior imaginable without ever giving a response. To those people, I think "Thine own words condemn thee."
I would assume, correct me if I'm wrong, you rarely (key word) get jealous because your SO does not exhibit this worst case provoking behavior.
Then of course, there is unreasonable response, which many here seem to be focused on. Certainly there are unreasonable responses, and I have never stated to the contrary. This leads me to conclude that the rigidity does not lie with me, but with those who conclude that certain responses are never justified. This I call self-delusion.
And to those who, in the worst case, who would never react to the most blantently provoking actions, certainly exhibit some form of sociopathy by their indifference to their relationship. Not much of a relationship with such indifference. | |
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| jealousy
Posted: 10/10/2007 2:23:42 PM | I too think it's unusual. If you are in a monogamous relationship there should be jealousy involved. I think men say they aren't jealous just to keep you guessing about their true feelings for you. They love the chase and love being chased.
Or could it be that he's so sure you NEVER would date someone else he is being flip about the question? | |
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| jealousy
Posted: 10/10/2007 2:49:39 PM | msg #8
yeah, me too. I would be asking
"what's up with that?"
and move on. | |
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| jealousy
Posted: 10/10/2007 4:11:13 PM | Simmer down, P-Trish. I'd say the irrational anger you've been displaying towards anyone who has a differing opinion isn't particularly healthy. So far the "immature clowns" have managed to keep their emotions in check far better than you have.
honey, what on earth are you talkin about? emotions?? huh?? | |
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| jealousy
Posted: 10/12/2007 7:04:43 AM | Personally I agree with many of the perspectives given, to greater or lesser extents.
Yea Alturist I can see where comming from. No capacity to be hurt, no capacity for much else. If you dont have an effect on your SO then your not exactly connecting with each other. And yes to greater or lesser extents, I see the logic you have on emotions, if you can experience it, there must be a positive reason as to why it developed that way.
Also I can see that there isnt a point in playing with jealousy. If the first time of things being dopy, you get hurt, and end it - you can achieve closer on that moment - therefore you dont tend to get into games of jealousy. But does that mean you dont get jealous? I suppose it depends on what you are calling or meaning by getting jealous, and the boundries that would trigger a response. | |
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Posted: 10/13/2007 12:57:38 AM | Your question to him waas hypothetical....to test the water. So the answer you got is not the truth. Everyone has the capasity to be jealous BUT I feel that often a partner says the other is jealous when really they are hurt not because of the act of chatting or seeing another but because they feel the lies that may have come with the act are humiliating ...........
Too often jealousy is confused with simply feeling degraded and hurt by thoughtless actions of another. Makes the other feel rather important and grand that they have the power to make the innocnet jealous (thier interpretation) when all the time it is thier behaviour and lack of respect for a fellow human who they pretend to care about. Honesty, truth and respect or their is no relationship. | |
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Posted: 10/13/2007 4:37:40 AM | altruist80,
Just let me know if that jealousy ever serves you in any way. It doesn't 'prove' love at all, only insecurity (which, to most, is EXTREMELY unattractive). I'll never understand why people choose to be upset and miserable. IMHO anything further than momentary jealousy (i.e. Sure wish I had that Rolls Royce, etc.) only fosters nut jobs and can be a very dangerous thing. | |
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Posted: 10/13/2007 5:10:06 AM |
Sometimes it's not ok and not healthy to be non-chalant and passive about everything.
This statement is so true! My ex never showed any jealousy. If I asked anything, it was always, I don't care. Well, there were times I wished he DID care. The man showed no passion whatsoever in our relationship.
A certain degree of jealousy IS healthy! As with many emotions, balance is the key. There is a whole wide spectrum between none at all and over the top psycho jealous to the point of crazy. Total lack of feeling is just as unhealthy as too much uncontrolled emotion. | |
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Posted: 10/13/2007 6:47:00 AM | ecaepydal,
(which, to most, is EXTREMELY unattractive)
First off, if it is someone who cannot empathize with my view of true connection, I don't care if it's unattractive to them. I can sit here like the masses and try to put all my best feet forward, or I can be honest.
Your argument seems to be geared toward what is productive for a person to feel. Well, not all responses appear productive at times. The "reminder" pain that won't let you forget you burned your hand 30 minutes ago for instance. How does that serve a person? It only annoys you to death. Well, you'll try not burn it again won't you?
What if nothing bad that ever happened to a person bothered them? Well, that would mean two things:
- They would never be miserable.
- They would achieve nothing.
I'm a firm believer of "garbage in, garbage out." If you exhibit indifference , you get indifference. If you exhibit concern, you get concern. I'll take the girl that cares about what I do, thank you. | |
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Posted: 11/21/2007 12:54:13 PM | | I admit to a TWINGE of jealousy if a man I'm dating is giving a lot of attention to another woman. But not the "green-eyed MONSTER" type. In relationships, if I don't trust the man, we just don't go out that long. Jealousy of this sort comes from a lack of trust of HIM, not from my internal insecurity. | |
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Posted: 11/21/2007 1:10:37 PM | I find it hard to believe you can care and not be. You can hide it like a pro but not way you don't feel it if you care. Maybe if you've never been burned, shrug, but I dont know anyone that hasn't.
joe | |
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| jealousy
Posted: 11/21/2007 1:12:38 PM | Not being jealous is a sign that you're just not all that into the other person. If you were, you'd fight to the death to keep others away -- just like you had to fight to the death to get him/her in the first place, because he/she was worth it.
Ok, so it's not an ideal world. But insecurity can be a Good Thing cause it shows how much you care and how valuable the other person is to you. | |
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Posted: 11/21/2007 1:13:33 PM | Jealousy is a real and valid emotion that can be caused by the fear of one partner having secret communications with someone outside of the relationship.
Normally felt as a gut instinct from odd behavior changes in the other partner... such as closing down MSN windows when the person enters the room.. turning cell phones off or leaving the room to answer them, and so on.
If I become jealous it's normally because my partner is acting inappropriately. | |
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Posted: 11/21/2007 1:16:15 PM | Was there any purpose in asking this question?
To the best of my knowledge, if someone cares about you then I would say yes, there is even just a hint of jealousy. However, I would not attempt to make someone feel that way. That is just playing games. Treat someone else the way you want to be treated. | |
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Posted: 11/21/2007 1:24:34 PM | it's fine not to be jealous, or little bit jealous.
usually people are disturbed if their partner are too jealous, but you are disturbed because he isn't. funny. | |
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Posted: 11/22/2007 6:06:59 PM | | Jealousy is a very specific feeling and it's not always pretty. Guys and girls identify with that term differently, and trust me it's not such a bad thing that your guy isn't the jealous type, it's not the kind of thing you want to be on the receiving end of. Just because he says he wouldn't be jealous of you dating other guys doesn't mean that he wouldn't feel something about it. I've only ever met one guy who is point blank open about what he's feeling when he's feeling it and it's definately refreshing, but most guys keep that stuff inside. Just because he doesn't show you what he's feeling doesn't mean he's feeling nothing. I had a discussion once with someone I had a thing with about how he'd feel if I hooked up with a friend of his, he said the same thing about not being jealous. Then I got teased for pouting about it because I had translated that into I don't care. Maybe he would've, maybe he wouldn't have, but I think if you want any kind of a relationship with a guy you have to make peace with the fact that you won't always know what's up and they aren't always gonna tell you what they're thinking. Funnily enough I've started seeing someone who is the exact opposite, and that is almost as hard to adjust to. | |
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CESSKA
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Joined: 10/24/2007
Msg: 94 | |
| jealousy
Posted: 11/22/2007 6:09:32 PM | | if he said you could date other men then he is just not that into u | |
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Posted: 11/22/2007 6:13:29 PM | | I am not the jealousy type so i would have said no to her question and than would have told her to go out on her date, and that would have been the last time I seen her as she is the type that is never happy and will allways try to stir up bs. | |
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Posted: 11/22/2007 6:17:58 PM | | It really sucks that anyone said that stuff to you. And it's a load of bs. There's nothing wrong with you that being jealous is not part of your dynamic, infact everyone should strive not to be. It's the kind of thing that damages reationships and dampens the spark between two people. (I learned that one the hard way) But it's a bloody shame that just because you are comfortable enough in yourself and with the person you're involved with that those who aren't chose to throw stones. F#*k 'em, and don't take it personally. | |
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Posted: 11/22/2007 6:24:57 PM | """"Not being jealous is a sign that you're just not all that into the other person. If you were, you'd fight to the death to keep others away -- just like you had to fight to the death to get him/her in the first place, because he/she was worth it.""""
if you have to "convince" someone to be with you, or fight to have them stay with you,, just why on earth do you want them with you in the first place? if they arent thrilled to be with you, then so what, thats their loss. I can be completely be "into" someone without being jelous. if i feel i can or should attempt to control how he acts, then i am a jelous person.
the thing is, im not so stupid as to believe i can control what anyone else does. feeling hurt or rejected because of what someone else does, is not jelousy. of course ppl get hurt, of course we have the ability to impact other ppl. but at the end of the day, how they percieve us is totally on them. | |
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Posted: 11/22/2007 10:48:38 PM | This is great!!! I was biting my tong at how much she was going on and on and on about how you shouldn't be jealous blah blah blah...yet she goes on and on arguing and arguing, lol.
I agree, a little jealousy is healthy, but too much is either insecurity due to previous experiences/baggage, or a mental health issue.
That being said....there ARE people who do things purposely to make their partner jealous and insecure for the purpose of control. I dated a guy who would stare (not just notice, but really stare) at other women, and then completely deny it to make me feel like I was imaging things and get me to question myself (that is emotional abuse), so I got out.
I do want to know the guy I am with is a little jealous; it means he cares. It goes hand in hand with him being proud of being seen with me, and I want to be proud of being seen with my guy as well (with that nice little cozy feeling of knowing the other girls looking at him know he is with me and not interested in them as well, lol)(but if he acts like he is interested in the other girl it is a huge blow, just like he said it with words that she is cuter, how rude).
There are women who have issues so deep that they take great pride in getting a guy who is with a girl to stare at and maybe firt with her; in turn hurting the actual girlfriend's feelings, and possibly making her lose her boyfriend due to infidelity. This sounds extreme, and it is, but it is real (usually the sluttily dressed girls who are desperate to "be somebody" based on thier sexuality rather than personality). At the same time, who wants a guy who would do that; I don't! But these girls use thier "poor little innocent me who thinks you/he is the greatest thing since apple pie and i don't expect any responsibility out of you" to lure him into her trap (but the bait is not reality: grass is greener on the other side of the fence syndrome).
Anyway...I have dated guys who were highly respectable, and proud to show me off, and would not even think of staring at or flirting with other women, as well as making it known that I am with him around other guys. Those guys were the ones that left the greatest impression on me, and make me feel good. Those are the guys I will date, and one will be The One. | |
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| jealousy
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:29:15 PM |
Is it abnormal not to be a teeny bit jealous?
For instance, my boyfriend says that he never ever gets jealous. I asked him if he would be a teeny bit jealous if I dated other men, and his reply was no. I am not a real jealous person, but I would get jealous if he dated other women. Any views on this?
Number one I have to question, what made you ask him that? I'm catching an insecure vibe from you. You seem to link jealousy with a sign as to whether or not someone cares for you and if so how much and thats scary. Somewhere along the way I think you were shown otherwise and therefore think that if someone exhibits jealous behavior thats the tell tale sign that they care about you, and thats an untruth. | |
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| jealousy
Posted: 11/23/2007 5:15:27 AM | | Jealousy is not healthy it has broke up more realtionship than it has ever helped, jealousy means thier is no trust or faith in some one. | |
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