| jealousy
Posted: 11/23/2007 7:17:03 AM | Either he's lying or he doesnt give a crap.... | |
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| jealousy
Posted: 11/23/2007 7:28:46 AM | Jealousy can be a very destructive element to a relationship if a lid is not put on it and there are people who are outwardly jealous for no apparent reason, due to their own insecurities or past relationships where they have been hurt so bad that they have a hard time trusting anybody.
I'm usually a pretty laid-back easy-going person, but the little green monster has been known to rear it's ugly head on occasion. Every single time it has happened there are other signals or 'red flags' (and usually there are plenty of them before any insecurities grab hold) that trigger it.
<div class="quote">Everyone has the capasity to be jealous BUT I feel that often a partner says the other is jealous when really they are hurt not because of the act of chatting or seeing another but because they feel the lies that may have come with the act are humiliating ...........
Too often jealousy is confused with simply feeling degraded and hurt by thoughtless actions of another. Makes the other feel rather important and grand that they have the power to make the innocnet jealous (thier interpretation) when all the time it is thier behaviour and lack of respect for a fellow human who they pretend to care about. Honesty, truth and respect or their is no relationship.
This is exactly why!! Being lied to, being hurt by, or being shown a lack of respect by somebody I care about has brought jealousy to the surface before. Then, when the issue at hand is brought up, it's my insecurities and not their actions in the first place, that are the problem!! Sheesh!!! Believe me, I don't have these feelings often and they do not just come out of nowhere, but if when I do, guaranteed there are other issues causing these feelings!
Even if the feelings are valid, it does still raise the question, is this person really worth having me in his life? | |
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Posted: 12/2/2007 11:48:24 PM | jealousy is a natural emotion
its when it becomes an obsession its a problem | |
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Posted: 12/2/2007 11:54:37 PM | | if ur in a relationship and one of you gets jealous of one another that means you don't trust eachother, it simply means you should both just go your own way before it gets worse. | |
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Posted: 12/3/2007 2:26:40 AM | | Woah hold on.... lets be careful with this. There is good jealousy and bad jealous. If Im married and some guy has sex with my wife, I will be jealous and that is fine. If im dating and some guy kisses my girl and I am jealous thats fine. If I am dating and some guy is alone with my girl watching a movie, I will be jealous which is valid. If I am jealous for any other reason (there may be a few exceptions) then thts bad jealousy | |
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Posted: 12/28/2007 7:44:58 AM | I am jealous of my brother having a girlfriend. In the past few years as I was jealous I growled at my brother like a dog.
We have 1 dog growls at the other for getting attention when she doesn't so I thought I define jealousy as growling at others. It's kind of silly. | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 12:11:04 AM | | Well, Renda hon, guess i'm not normal then, cuz I've never had a jealous bone in my body. EVER!!! Insecure about myself at times maybe, but jealous, nope! I grew up in a very very very (oh my God, here come the Puritans!) family, and was taught very early that jealousy of any form was a sin. Now, how that effected me was this...I don't get jealous of other people, I just deal with me and I have a full plate with that! As for being jealous of a partner/mate/whatever...I figure, ok, they either wanna be with me, or they don't...if they see someone they want, they'll be with them or they won't...nothin I can do about it either way, so why spend time and anguish over something I have no control over? I intend to spend every moment of my life as happy as I can cuz God himself only knows I've had enough sorrow for a dozen or more. Some people just do not feel jealous....which to me is a form of fear. Fear of losing someone, fear of not being successful....whatever the jealousy applies to. I just ain't gonna live like that. Simple as that, and maybe he feels the same way. It bears no reflection on him not caring about you...ok, look at it this way. He cares for you...if he got jealous, what would that say? That he's afraid he'll lose you? Do you WANT him to fear this? If you love him, I would think you'd want to calm his fears, rather than incite some....maybe he has no jealousy because he's secure in your love or affections...and that's a GOOD thing!!!! | |
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Posted: 12/29/2007 12:19:48 AM | | LOL, redheadedgidget....I know the feeling...my last ex said the same thing to me...doesn't it make you jealous and angry when I look at other women? Nope! He was furious...he eventually left...wonder if it was for someone who's TOTALLY jealous? lmao. More power to him! | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 8:29:18 AM | jealousy is a natural emotion
its when it becomes an obsession its a problem
yeah, natural,, not necessarily healthy in any level. jelousy is the result of poor self esteem and a deficit in the ability to trust.
envy is often misinterpreted as being the same as jelousy.
for example:
the following are statements of both
envy >> " i wish i could be more confident like jane is"
jelousy>> " jane always has to be the center of attention"
both speak to janes confident personality. there is nothing good about being jelous. | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 10:50:26 AM | I'm not sure how much of the emotion of jealousy is nature or nurture. Since emotions are generated from within each individual, they are uniquely individual products and as such, each is likely to be different, if generated at all.
I do not have jealousy and I do not experience that emotion in relationships. Jealousy implies a sense of ownership and control over another. When one feels they have no control over the behavior of others, whether real or perceived, they experience fear and anxiety over that lack of control. In an effort to regain a perception of control, they attempt to impose on and/or manipulate the object of their jealousy so as to conform to their personal ideal of relationship in order to feel secure and remove the angst. The response is typical in looking at the two emotions that drive humans (pleasure and pain). Imagining the possibility of losing an SO is a reminder of pain. To avoid pain, humans will take actions to prevent or minimize that pain as much as possible.
In my opinion, jealousy is the result of the lack of acceptance that one cannot control another without manipulation and/or force. Therefore, unless one is manipulated or forced into a relationship, they have entered of their own free will. Consequently, if they wish to exit the relationship, they do so of their own free will. I cannot control the actions and decisions of someone else. I can only control myself. As a result, I don't experience jealousy in my relationships. I did not force them into the relationship and I shall not force them to stay in the relationship.
When jealousy is removed, neither party can use it as a tool to manipulate another and it forces individuals to deal with the issues that invite these attempts at manipulation.
Best of luck.
ACP | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 11:44:08 AM | | than why bring it up? | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 11:53:52 AM |
jelousy is the result of poor self esteem and a deficit in the ability to trust.
envy is often misinterpreted as being the same as jelousy.
I once had a Zen master who believed the mind took words literally and heard the "jea" portion as French for "I am" ... making the literal meaning: I am lousy . So, I have to agree, it speaks to feeling "less than" ... not good enough to be able to "keep" the other person. I don't want to be anyone's keeper.
Envy I think of as slightly different in that when I envy what another has it is that feeling that I want to have what they have instead of (not in addition) to them having it.
Jealousy is called the green eyed monster because it is a monster on the back of the jealousy feeling person. It causes relationship damaging behaviors.
As to the original OP who after the first post indicated he suggested she date others I would consider that as an "I'm not that into you" statement. Any offer to date others is a claim to the right to date others. No exclusivity offered or agreed to. If you want exclusive - move on. If intimate, protect yourself from that partners unknown others. | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 12:37:39 PM | I've seen a LOT of people reacting to the OP's first post, without bothering to notice that she posted a later addendum, in response to some of the flaming knee-jerking:
I guess what precipitated my asking him that was the fact that he said I could date other men. I totally love him and (wouldn't) even consider that. It just befuddled me that he would suggest that, knowing my feelings.
Don't you think that makes things a little different, folks??
Not sure if the OP is still even reading all this, but Renda, here's my "JMHO":
In your eyes this is an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Not so, with him. If the above quote is true...unless he's some sort of sci-fi "futureman", evolved past the point of normal human possessiveness (very unlikely)... he may be fond of you and want to keep you around for awhile, but he doesn't love you... not any more than as a FWB.
It's possible he just isn't aware of the depth of your feelings. But frankly it sounds as if he's either laying the groundwork to allow himself to date others, or he's already got his eye on someone else.
I'm not saying you should dump him (that's for you to decide), but you should be aware that you are not as special to him as you had hoped. | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 2:38:41 PM | Envy I think of as slightly different in that when I envy what another has it is that feeling that I want to have what they have instead of (not in addition) to them having it
i was thinking that when i posted what i did. i was considering that jelousy still gets confused for other things. i guess for me, its not meaning "instead of". when you employ the use of "instead of" you're into jelousy. i was thinking more along the lines of wanting to put yourself in a similar position by growth. | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 2:59:25 PM | | Jealous, anger, lust,distrust,etc I think are things that everybody feels at sometime where they want to acknowledge them or not. But just because you feel them doesn't mean you have to react to the feelings. Most times you have to step back and rationalized whether the feelings are warranted and if they are how you are going to express them. I think what he may mean is that he feels jealousy, but chooses not to show it possibly because he feels that it lack decency. | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 3:02:42 PM | I have a friend who seems to constantly need affirmation on how the current beau is feeling about her. I get exasperated just hearing about it, as do they. Perhaps the personality traits you inflict on him with the fact that you even asked that question in the first place has made him realize that he doesn't care if you date other guys and that he may not be your boyfriend for long anyway.
If my boyfriend told me he didn't care if I ran around on him I would seriously question my feelings for him and probably break it off 3 minutes later.
Although, when folks ask me hypothetical questions about stuff of a serious nature, I tend to come up with off the wall and ridiculous answers - just because I find it to be a waste of time in general.
Good Luck. | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 4:39:57 PM | Gandi said [quote}Envy I think of as slightly different in that when I envy what another has it is that feeling that I want to have what they have instead of (not in addition) to them having it{/quote]
P Trish said {quote]i was thinking that when i posted what i did. i was considering that jelousy still gets confused for other things. i guess for me, its not meaning "instead of". when you employ the use of "instead of" you're into jelousy. i was thinking more along the lines of wanting to put yourself in a similar position by growth.{/quote]
Why then would Envy be a deadly sin (one of the 7 up there with gluttony and lust) but jealousy isn't? | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 5:10:32 PM | People who are comfortable with themselves and the people they are with don't need to torture themselves needlessly with this. Perhaps he is happy with you and cheating is the furtherest thing from his mind. Don't interject an element of controversy needlessly.
What if I said "honey, what would happen if I was in a horrible accident and was crippled or disfigurred? What if I developed MS? Would you still love me." Your correct response should be "do we really need to discuss the what ifs?". He probably doesn't think you would cheat on him because you love him and, well, do you really need to torture yourself with this any further? What if a meteor came? What If? Worry about it when it happens, not now. | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 5:20:34 PM | | my last boyfriend was TOO jealous. i think a little jealousy is ok, even normal. But not extreme jealousy. It's such a negative emotion and it can hurt people - bad. | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 5:32:30 PM | | If I fall for a man, I know that he is all that. I can't help but not want him contacting other women or the other way around. It would be nice if he felt this way about me too. I feel sorry for the OP because it does sound like she feels like he doesn't have the same love for her as she has for him. It probably sounds like "find someone else." Maybe that is what OP needs to do. | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 5:42:03 PM | | I'm not sure if the OP is still around as the post is over a year old ... never the less - jealousy is an insecurity and what he lacks in jealousy he may make up for in independance. | |
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| jealousy
Posted: 1/3/2008 6:42:40 PM | eh hem,,, cowboy,,,
anger is a reasonable responce to stimuli, as is distrust. ppl tend to give very valid and specific reasons why they are not to be trusted, so mistrust in them is quite a reasonable thing in that case. lust is even natural and normal, and healthy. when one finds something appealing to that degree they are lusting after it.
being jelous of what another has, or does, or what you percieve them to be doing, is not a reasonable responce and has often only a percieved rather than actual stimuli.
so i really must employ you not to assume everyone gets jelous. many of us are very well balanced, decent ppl who can decipher fantasy from reality and are well adjusted where we cannot possibly get jelous. saying so isnt a matter of denial, its a matter of fact. | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 6:53:22 PM | good for ghandi,,i dont happen to agree with him on this one, i dont see envy as necessarily wanting to replace someone or take something from them.
guess thats my liberal thinking at work.
ghandi, while well considered, wasnt the only spiritual teacher. I have also read what the dahli lama(sp) (ee gods, my spelling can be atrocious at times) says about envy and jelousy. As well as what is tao philosophy.
you follow what you want, ill do the same.
how wonderful that we can discuss it from varying p.o.v..
my point is, that being jelous always involves wanting to control the person, or situation, and is not healthy.
envy on the other hand, when kept in terms of what i am saying, can work well for the greater good without eliminating anyone.
envy as a deadly sin,,, i dont put much stock in what i find in the bible,, sorry. there is too much contradiction for my thinking.
as far as jelousy,,, i have never seen it employed in a way that can or ever will be a decent or reasonable or healthy thing. | |
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Posted: 1/3/2008 7:30:33 PM | Jealousy is a feeling of protective resentment towards one who threatens a relationship or value. It doesn't involve controlling anyone, it is a feeling, an emotion. It can cause depression and anger. Of course there is jealous behavior, now that could be controlling, but just being jealous isn't controlling.
I know that I often use jealous when I should use the word envy. Like when I saw this girl walking into Gold's Gym this past summer with this fabulous stomach, I said I was so jealous, I should have said envious...
Jealous still isn't controlling, it is behavior that can be. | |
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Posted: 1/4/2008 12:25:50 AM |
ghandi, while well considered, wasnt the only spiritual teacher.
Hi P Trish.
I think I caused unmeant confusions when I signed "gandi" It wasn't a typo. gandi has been my nickname since 1980. It is short for gandolf which has been one of my "handles" since the old CB days of 1971 which was a few years after I first read The Hobbit and Ring Trilogy. I have a picture of the Wizard Gandalf on my living room wall ... I am magic.
I do absolutely agree that jealousy includes a craving to control another. I suspect we are in empassioned agreement with each other on that topic. | |
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