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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 1/1/2007 9:27:05 AM | First off, chuck the whole ideas of giving up and un-giving up out the window. Lose the paranoia and the pressure of having to be on or off looking for someone. Focus on enjoying your own life and making it fuller and richer than ever. Find things you truly enjoy doing and take advantage of opportunities to meet new people. Not just women! When you're enjoying your life, you give off positive, life-affirming energy, and honestly that is one of the most if not THE most attractive things about a person. A positive attitude, enjoying what they're doing, is sure to attract new people and new friends. Your best chance of attracting a new lady friend with the possibility of forming a relationship. Don't just make it a New Year's thing, learn to enjoy your life, the gift that it is!!  | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 1/1/2007 10:34:00 AM | Thanks for responding everyone.
I've had some insight since yesterday, so bear with me. For years I've been haunted by the same general idea since I was in college that there are guys that women date, and there are guys they marry. I fall into the latter category. That was always explained to me as a good thing, as someone would come around eventually, and I'd be the type of guy who would make a good husband, father and provider. Perhaps true, but I hated the idea.
It always said to me that when some woman has found she's tired of having fun, and wants to settle down, and realizes that the exciting guys she wants to be with aren't really suited for that role, she'll settle for me, and I should be happy about that. To be honest, I'm fairly certain I'm going to have issues with marriage should that ever come up.
Anyways, I think in a way I've given up the idea of being desired for me, or someone finding me exciting, instead of being a good option for the person who's excited about finding "marriage material." So while I've given up on that idea, I'm not quite ready to start thinking about what comes next, so I'm in this apathetic state where I just don't seem to care.
I also kind of feel like I've given up on ever experiencing certain aspects of a relationship, or developing a relationship alongside my friends, and other such things that I've either outgrown, or the timeline just ran out on. Almost like going to the prom without a date. I was there, it was alright, I experienced it, but I missed out on some of the best parts of it, and I don't get to do it again. | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 1/1/2007 4:03:34 PM | Dear thebigid,
ok heres something for you to think about?
Your really hungry and theres no toast like you ALWAYS have for breakfast and theres only wheatbix left in the house and milk and you have no money and you hate wheatbix would you eat them or starve? Sorry about my spelling.
How to get possative. Well heres an idea my counseler gave me when i was depressed and gave up on wanting to live. Write down 10 possative things that happend in your day everyday if you can't think of any sit and think about things like the sun was shinning, it rained we needed rain ect... things like that will change ur mind from a negatve prospective to a possative one.
I gave up on finding love at 16 lol i know sounds stupid but i did i had been hurt so many time. I'm 18 now and engaged. I wasn't even looking for love i actually met him on a Adult Friend Frinder site also known in australia as a sexsite. We just chatted i was only looking to get laid (i didn't care about life anymore so why not get laid) and then i started to fall for him and tryed to danye it for a while but the i got to the point where i couldn't wait for him to get home ffrom work and jump on the net and chat to me I'd wait aaround all day for that message saying I'm home, hows was your day hun? We have beeen together a year and 2 months now and we have a baby due in 15 weeks. He gave up on love too due to his ex. But I find it strange we both gave up on love and were just looking for a fling kinda thing and fell madly in love! We are getting married in 8 weeks.
There are tough times in EVERYONE'S life where they get hurt and feel like they will never recover for the heart ache but I can tell you as so can many others Love is worth it!
Hope that helps and makes sence to you. Hope you find the right person soon and enjoy a happy life with them!
Steph | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 1/1/2007 5:01:08 PM | Ok well ust look over everything again for the few things you didn't change or didn't try... ie. location, trying something totally new out of your comfort range, hairstyle, dental, wardrobe, anything at all really and shake them up). Unfortunately, it is hard to offer suggestions on anything other than your write up and based on your current profile. Maybe update it with a short and simple profile complete with pics and interests and ask again, in here or under the review your profile thread. >> Don't you just love all us that don't know you but are giving advice....argh lol.
All in all.... be optimistic, don't give up.... when it is right and feels right you won't need to try :) it will all just happen. | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 1/1/2007 8:03:51 PM | For the last four years or so I've had no interest at all in dating. Friends offered to set me up on dates, but I always politely declined. I never even looked at any female I met as a potential date. I just wasn't interested.
I don't know what's changed, but I'm starting to get interested again. I think that biology is starting to win out over rational thought, because I'm a busy guy with a full life who really doesn't have time for a relationship. But like everybody else, I need to love and be loved. That means that I have to make the time and put out some effort.
So it either will happen, and you'll get interested again, or it won't. If you take care of yourself and carve out a good life for yourself, then maybe it won't matter to you. But I understand why you're conflicted about it, because I feel the same way. This site is a baby step for me. I still haven't said yes to the set-ups and still don't actively look for dates. Maybe that will come. Maybe it will come for you, too. | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:25:26 PM | I've been MIA for about the past two months, and signed back on to see if maybe there was someone new, or someone interesting on here. Alas, no.
Also, I was hoping that if I took a fresh look at the forums and maybe somebody would have posted something inspiring. Again, no.
What I am seeing, is that according to the majority of the ladies on here (at least in my age range), the only guys worth dating are the "hotties." So, all things considered, I don't really have any real inspiration to go out and meet someone. I mean, I'm looking for a significant relationship, and it really doesn't seem that anyone my age is looking for anything other than a fling with "a hottie." Naturally, I'm not exactly what someone would consider hot, so I'm sure that a sort of learned helplessness contributes as well.
I recognize that this isn't rational thought, but when it comes to relationships, rational thought isn't really required.
I'm hoping there's some new thoughts or advice out there. | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/9/2007 10:08:40 PM | Your in a tough place right now. I've been divorced 9 years this year and went through alot of dating, with no luck..I had a couple of short term boyfriends. For the last couple of years I just resigned myself to "whatever". A little self pity seemed to do me good. Made me crawl in my own head and work some things out. Where are you looking? just the dating area's..Are you being overly picky? No really, serious question. You really don't know the quality of the person until you take the time to get to know them and let them know you. Some beauties are hiding under butt ugly rocks..turn them over..
Eventually I came to this site and put up a list of "not acceptable" things. Far too many I was told repeatedly. I figured fine. It's my life. I'd rather be alone than accept any ole relationship that's going to make me miserable. I stuck to my guns, chatted with some great people, made a couple wonderful friends, and one day I saw this face, that was so soft and eyes that matched. Soft and kind. I emailed him, he answered, back and forth. He's now my boyfriend. Mind you I finally let my guard down to a man that just took it all in stride and said "It's fine, been there, no hurry".
Don't worry about making anyone happy but you. Put up those restrictions, stand by your morals or ideals. If it doesn't happen here, it may somewhere else. If you chase that tail and nothing happens or the same things happen repeatedly they call it dementia. True: If your doing the same things repeatedly with the same outcome(s), your gone.
Keep your chin up and keep trying. Might be tomorrow or might be in 10 years. Live your life. There's a saying from a war movie: When unsure, pull the plug and see what happens next. Or life's uncertain, start with desert first. Next time your sitting somewhere having a nice meal by yourself, order desert first, look around and see if you might be able to share this with someone else dinning alone..Never know.. Be happy..Like yourself..KNOW what you bring to the table. Ie: good, kind, employed male, with a soft heart, open mind, intelligent, funny enough to buy you your own board game so when you get bored with me, you'll have something to do in the meantime..
Try a new approach. Put up a photo of yourself. Smile, Be real, be you. Don't accept anything less than what you need to be happy. Okay within reason: Are you snuggly, cuddly, MUST have that. Don't accept anyone less. MUST be cuddly. Yet keep your mind open to the possibilities. You may even get wounded in the process. But it's another experience along this life's path to bring you into your own.
Hell I'm overweight, mouthy, over opinionated, difficult at times, at best, and into my life came this wonderfully soft, intelligent giving kind man..Who knew..Hmmm | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/10/2007 12:31:39 AM | OK dude, your cynicism is cracking me up. Seriously, you're making me laugh. Why? Because you sound just like a guy I know who also has been out of the dating pool for 8 years. This fellow is the cutest-in-his-own-way, kindest and most cynical turkey I've ever met. I absolutely adore him but am sure he doesn't like me. My point? You never know who might like you. What's this crap about "Naturally I'm not exactly what someone would consider hot"? Are you over weight? Some women like a big guy. Makes 'em feel safe. 'Specially if they aren't skinny themselves. Are you skinny? Some women like that, they don't want a big guy. Do you think you're not cute or handsome or attractive? That might be your opinion but I bet there's women out there who find you attractive. Many women aren't drawn to a guy based on looks - we want someone who's kind and funny and smart... and if he's not drop-dead gorgeous, once we get to know his personality, he becomes drop-dead gorgeous in our eyes. Also, have you considered someone a bit older than you? Many women in their 30's finally come to realize the value of a nice, good guy...
I responded to this thread because of the title. I recently said that I am 'un-giving up.' I thought I made that phrase up myself! Give it back! lol  | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/10/2007 1:18:42 AM |
I'm not exactly what someone would consider hot, so I'm sure that a sort of learned helplessness contributes as well.
Did you ever think it was your personality thats screwing you over and not your looks. Yea, sure a very attractive guy will have an easier time getting women then his lesser attractive counterpart, but believe it or not, not everyone's shallow enough to base everything on looks. You need to show someone why you are better than everyone else, what makes you special, something that differentiates you from the crowd. Personality will beat out looks any day of the week as far as relationships go. Someone who relies on looks alone isn't going to get much further than a few one night stands and idiots.
With the way you exude negativity, hopelessness, and insecurity, you're going to scare everyone away. So first off you need to change your attitude. Try and be mindful of what you are projecting and attempt to make yourself feel the way you want to be perceived. Buy the book 'The Definitive Book of Body Language' ( think that's the title). Theres a lot of good information about how to display positive body language. There are also lots of interesting statistics and studies that will act as a real eye opener.
Do things to make yourself comfortable and hone your skills of letting your personality shine. Turn it into a game and set goals for yourself. Such as, try and strike up a meaningful conversation with a stranger at least once a week. It doesn't sound like this in your nature, but force yourself, it'll make a difference and you'll become more skilled when it comes learning what engages people and what makes them run for the exit. The body language book will also help you figure out how your doing.
Don't let the rejections get you down, its the lesson that's important. The way I look at it is, I'm always practicing for then the right one comes along, so I don't mess it up. | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/10/2007 7:16:54 AM | Did you ever think it was your personality thats screwing you over and not your looks.
No, actually my personality I'm pretty confident in. I used to work as an on-air personality at a commercial radio station, where I got paid because I had an intelligent, fun personality. However, I admit I am quiet. And I know that that's going to screw me over 75% of the time, because most women like loud, outgoing, exciting guys. I'm the quiet, introspective, intellectual guy.
Besides, I dare someone to beat my rejection rate on here (0 for 120) in which body language is taken out of the equation.
And frankly, in the end I realize that in the end my attitude is "what's the point?" I'm not so concerned with being rejected, I just don't find anyone interesting, I don't find anyone attractive. Everyone I see and meet are immediately thrown into the "not my type" bin.
I responded to this thread because of the title. I recently said that I am 'un-giving up.' I thought I made that phrase up myself! Give it back!
Oh no, I have certified trademark, and copyrights on the phrase "un-giving up," for my forthcoming book entitled: "Un-Giving Up: A How To" (I'm still working on the title). And I will be writing this book as soon as y'all tell me what to put in it. | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/10/2007 7:42:42 AM | You haven't given up--if you had, you wouldn't be on a dating site and you wouldn't be asking for advice.
You are merely waiting for the right moment to or the right horse to get back in the arena. | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/10/2007 7:54:52 AM | Try setting a goal and then achieving it. Write down what you want, make a plan for getting it, work the plan. Then you can decide at each step of the plan if it's worth the goal.
That you enjoy being in this prolonged slump tells me you have mastered slumping. I suspect you of wanting a woman to step in your slump lair, where your secret charms will enchant her, making her take up the role of relationship manager so you can settle into a new slump inside her love. I suspect it was a disaster somehow when you were forced from the warmth of home life into the cold cruel world where women are harder to order than pizza, and not so easy to mount as horses, well, sometimes, and no, I have not mounted a horse that way, I am speaking of your own reference. (I have to make this clear now that I live in Texas.)
First of all, what would you do with a woman if you had one? I mean, after that?
It's kind of hard to be motivated to start up a relationship when all you really want is some attention now and then. You could try being a stud and seeing if women are attracted to you. Dress well, work out so you're buff, read enough to have some conversational merit, get a nice car. That should do it. | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/10/2007 8:04:17 AM | I'm with a couple of others on here: How in the heck can anyone be this down and out and have to work at Love this hard in their twenties????? When I was in that phase of my life....good gawd, it was everywhere!! there was no Looking! In fact, I had to be careful to not step on all those 'love land mines' that were everywhere. sheesh.
What you got is simple. An Attitude problem. You seem to want it...yet, your attitude and pretty much everything in your behaviors is programmed to make the approach by others basically impossible. You are your worst enemey. Its not the women. Change that attitude...change your fortunes. | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/10/2007 8:20:04 AM | ^^^This guy saved me from having to type a damn thing.
You're 29. Cut the 'woe is me' act. You either want to get out there and try or you don't. Relax, go out and have some fun. | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/10/2007 12:10:22 PM | I'm with a couple of others on here: How in the heck can anyone be this down and out and have to work at Love this hard in their twenties????? When I was in that phase of my life....good gawd, it was everywhere!! there was no Looking! In fact, I had to be careful to not step on all those 'love land mines' that were everywhere. sheesh.
So what you're saying is...I shouldn't feel discouraged because YOU had tons of ladies after you - without even trying - during that decade of YOUR life?
I'm not entirely sure what to do with that...I only have 6 months left in my twenties, and in the romance/relationship department, I was a complete failure. Given this failure, I am not too enthusiastic about trying to make it work in my 30's.
A big part of me really wants to be alone (like, hermit, recluse alone), partly because I'm ashamed of the fact that I'm the guy who has nearly reached his 30's and has yet to have any sort of meaningful relationship, never had a girlfriend, never had a date at Valentine's, never had birthday sex. Can anyone say that if they were in my position, they wouldn't feel just as ashamed, and just as negative? Really?
Part of it is that I'm so used to being alone, I can't even imagine what it would be like to not be alone, and that's pretty scary. On the other hand, I feel I have to try because, meeting someone special has always been important to me. I don't simply want to give in to just giving up.
Its a bit like going out for your 40th driving exam, after failing the first 39 times. You kind of know what to expect.
My point is that this problem isn't common among most people, and in fact, somewhat unique. Telling me that you were completely successful in your 20's simply reinstates that fact.
What you got is simple. An Attitude problem. You seem to want it...yet, your attitude and pretty much everything in your behaviors is programmed to make the approach by others basically impossible.
I'm not going to disagree with that. Its certainly true for the moment, but my attitude has changed and evolved a fair bit, it certainly wasn't always the problem.
You haven't given up--if you had, you wouldn't be on a dating site and you wouldn't be asking for advice.
You are merely waiting for the right moment to or the right horse to get back in the arena.
That may be true. I'm just not feeling particularly patient at this point.
And people, don't say I didn't try hard enough. I tried hard enough. I tried harder than someone should have to. I put a lot more effort into meeting someone than anyone I know. I accept that I'm not good at it, I accept that I have a negative attitude about it now, I accept that my odds are pretty long at this point, but don't tell me I didn't try hard enough. | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/10/2007 11:31:30 PM | | You may want to try a make over and putting a nice picture of yourself on your profile. The pic you have now is weird and scarey. You catch more flies with honey. | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/10/2007 11:51:18 PM | | ive got a scary photo posted also. (only 6 mos. old ) im going on 51(do i look it ) ive got lots of money and a great f --ing job. to hell with it i'm giving up on a women .im getting me a harley. sturgis anyone? you catch more flies with money.im a nut.my kids hate me and my dog wont let me in the house | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/11/2007 12:39:17 AM | The Duck is pulling your leg, he's really a nice guy.
I actually met my boyfriend on POF. He had posted some things I found to be well thought out and sensitive. After a while I decided to say hi. We started chatting and discovered we liked talking with each other and shared values. The more we talked, the most there was to respect. Finally we met and are trying to see how this thing is going to work out.
What am I saying? You don't have to be looking hard. You do have to be yourself. Good luck. (PS, have you seen how long I've been on here?) | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/11/2007 12:45:01 AM |
I'm with a couple of others on here: How in the heck can anyone be this down and out and have to work at Love this hard in their twenties????? When I was in that phase of my life....good gawd, it was everywhere!! there was no Looking! In fact, I had to be careful to not step on all those 'love land mines' that were everywhere. sheesh.
Well, good for you. Life isn't the same for everyone.
I am only 23, but I am expecting to have a pretty long single life....not real interested in most girls my own age...still into the whole, "party and get wasted every damn night" phase...if not that, they are just plain immature on a number of levels.
I like older women, because a majority are not like this, but they don't seem too interested in me.....my age I assume......Sooooooo....
That means I am probably looking at being single for....at least another 6 or 7 years I figure. Yay. 
But, you know what? That's alright in a way. If I can find some good friends.....I will be just fine. | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/11/2007 9:39:28 AM | Fupped, are you suggesting that the OP list his age as 50, become rich, give up on women, AND get a Harley?
OP, do you have any type of clinical depression? | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/11/2007 11:35:42 AM | How come you guys and gals can come up with some many reasons that people don't like you, but can't seem to think of as many reasons why they might like you?
Instead of saying she won't message you because your ugly or poor or w/e. Try saying that she is to shy to email you, or something. | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/11/2007 2:18:14 PM | i dont post on the forums much, just read them but seeing this
*I'm with a couple of others on here: How in the heck can anyone be this down and out and have to work at Love this hard in their twenties????? When I was in that phase of my life....good gawd, it was everywhere!! there was no Looking! In fact, I had to be careful to not step on all those 'love land mines' that were everywhere. sheesh.*
I must be living under a rock, where did you grow up? i want to turn back the clock a bit and go there,
love and romance was virtually non existant for me from 16- 20 odd, things are only just starting to change and thats soley because i joined this site | |
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| How would one go about un-giving up?
Posted: 3/13/2007 1:17:56 PM |
OP, do you have any type of clinical depression?
Shortest Possible Answer: Yes.
Instead of saying she won't message you because your ugly or poor or w/e. Try saying that she is to shy to email you, or something.
That makes sense, in the singular, individual example. But when we're talking about 120 unreturned emails...well, "I'm not their type," and "they're all too shy" seems a bit disengenuous. | |
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