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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/4/2007 1:07:11 PM | | A sexless marriage is (or can be) different from a marriage withoug affection/intimacy. Sometimes there are things (medical, etc.) that can affect sex, but there is still affection & intimacy. But, if there is no sex because the affection & intimacy are also gone then the relationship has fallen apart also. I would definitely work to reclaim the relationship if it was me. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/4/2007 1:14:38 PM | I haven't read all the replies here, but just in answer to the op's question I have a different take on the matter.
I'm going to hypothize that the lack of sex in a relationship is a symptom, not a cause, of a relationship that's failing. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/4/2007 1:19:39 PM | I am actually go through this type of relationship. I did almost leave, because he was not the one who would sit down and talk about these things. But when he realized it wasnt a joke, we talked.
I think sex is more than just an action, its some special and does connect you more to the person. So I do believe that intimacy is necessary in a relationship, and yes I would consider it grounds for leaving, if the "problem" persisted. [Doesnt it just make you feel unattractive, or that your partner has lost his/her feelings for you if they dont want to be intimate? Or is it just me? lol] | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/4/2007 1:27:42 PM | Another funny forum.
The original poster said sexless marraiges.
Mabey one should of spent a little more time seeing if sex would be good with
said hubby/wife....before getting married.
Once married for years and years....both have lifes....So what is it they really do ONE ON ONE. SEX!!
I think that's why guys are thought of ALWAYS WANTING SEX right away when they meet someone. It's to see if there's any hope of the sex being somthing you'd like to sign up for.....for THE REST OF ONES LIFE.
Guys may( i said may).think of a woman like a car.
Would you by a car.....if it gives you no pride...except for the thrill of the first drive.
I'd like to drive it....but i'm shure it's very impractical.
Looks great.....but i bet its a gas (booze)guzzler.
Wow....boy it looks hot.....but i bet everyone wants to steal it.
Looks and drives great....but cost's to much.
I'm glad i drove it.....the thing is a wore out piece of junk...and it smells.
You DO have a choice .... remember....No such thing as a "lease..or rental" in a marriage
Once you buy the damn thing.....your stuck with it.
Perhaps a test drive is in order ...before you make a choice. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/4/2007 1:37:26 PM | I was in a sexless marriage,,but the main question is why no sex? we lost respect for each other, that is the bottom line,,once the respect goes the rest will fall with time. I would hate to be in a sexless marriage again, it is easier to sleep by yourself than be sleeping with someone that you are not suppose to touch, it could be why the banana is always  it made him crazy. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/25/2007 8:26:12 AM | Hi everyone. Although I am new to POF, I'd thought I'd just jump on into the fray.
My experience has led me to believe that different people end up with different sex drives / sex attitudes. The problems centered around sex come up when there is a mismatch between the couple's individual sex drive/attitude. This happens, I believe, due to discounting the importance of sex. The low drive/neg attitude person thinks sex isn't important and their low drive is hidden behinds soceities discounting of sex. The high drive/pos attitude person feels like they can't be honest about their sex drive, because they'll be disparaged for being who they are. Then the mismatch gets married and this isn't really doesn't work for a sexually mutually exclusive relationship that a marriage is.
After I was married 23 years ago, I found out just how disinterested/averse my wife was to sex. I stayed with her because I thought it was the right thing to do. I have had to live a life of sexual neglect, rejection, unappreciation, frustration... I found myself living with someone who was more of a roommate or a sibling than a mate. I found that my enthusiasm for sex was regarded as a defeciency by my otherwise loving wife... something I needed to have cut out of my being. I have been without sex for the last 2.5 years.
I think the real solution is for people to be honest about how important sex is, and honest about their real level of sex drive, so that libido mismatches won't happen in the first place. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/25/2007 9:07:35 AM |
If you found yourself to be in this type of relationship , would you consider it grounds for leaving?
Yes, even the bible talks about it. But I also think if you've gone a long time without being intimate, WHY AREN'T YOU COMMUNICATING AND WORKING TOWARDS A SOLUTION?!
I scratch my head at the number of people ending relationships where there was a major problem but neither side did much (if anything) to try and resolve it. Communication in any relationship is an absolute must.
Secondly if you do not agree that it is a reason to leave, how do you live in a sexless relationship???? Do you not feel that some level of intimacy is necessary to keep a couple bonded together???
I think if you deny your wife or husband sex, that is the same as basically saying "I don't want to be married to you." | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/25/2007 9:27:29 AM |
After I was married 23 years ago, I found out just how disinterested/averse my wife was to sex. I stayed with her because I thought it was the right thing to do. I have had to live a life of sexual neglect, rejection, unappreciation, frustration... I found myself living with someone who was more of a roommate or a sibling than a mate. I found that my enthusiasm for sex was regarded as a defeciency by my otherwise loving wife... something I needed to have cut out of my being. I have been without sex for the last 2.5 years.
I think the real solution is for people to be honest about how important sex is, and honest about their real level of sex drive, so that libido mismatches won't happen in the first place.
So..you're here looking for a fvckbuddy while you're still married?
You have grounds for divorce. Why didn't you, if sex is so important to you? How do you justify cheating on your wife? Did you have an honest discussion with her about your sexual needs - and thats why you are here?
Hmm. Was it the frequency that was the problem? Or perhaps what you were asking for (anal or oral sex perhaps) - the tipper being the word 'enthusiasm' in your brief description.
Just curious. Your marriage dilemma, present circumstance and advice don't seem to jive.
I'm going to hypothize that the lack of sex in a relationship is a symptom, not a cause, of a relationship that's failing.
Ding ding ding! Ikusa gets it right, once again.
Claiming that its the cause of the end of relationship - or using a lack of frequency or mate disinterest in agreeably engaging certain sexual practices - is suspect reasoning.
There *are* the occasional frigid man or woman to be found within a marriage - but there are underlying psychosocial drivers that can be addressed by therapy - or, the marriage is dissolved on grounds of incompatibility.
I wonder how many women have left men due to EDS? So common, you know.
*oh snap* I forgot about Viagra! No wonder its the leading prescribed drug, with anti-depressants following behind in second place. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/25/2007 9:30:23 AM |
Although technically still married, my "ex" and I haven't had sex in over 7 years. That's not the reason we're splitting up, though.
You list your relationship status as divorced, even though you are technically still married.
Might want to fix that. Its misleading. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/25/2007 9:55:59 AM |
I think if you deny your wife or husband sex, that is the same as basically saying "I don't want to be married to you."
Jarbarian sentiment here is pretty much the way I feel about this topic.
No sex in a marriage isn't necessarily a marriage dealbreaker and grounds for divorce. I can think of accidents or medical reasons why someone either can't have sex or the sex can be painful.
But if one person feels their partner is attempting to manipulate their behavior by withholding from sexual activities, HELL YES a sexless marriage is grounds for divorce. COMMUNICATE. If you have issues, work them out. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/2/2007 7:59:07 PM | | Its too funny that I come accross this because that is my precise problem right now. I'm 29 & he's 37, we have a 6 month old daughter & have lived together only these 6 months. All in our relationship is great except that we no longer have any sex life. Since we had little Emma we've only had sex 4 times. I'm at my sexual peak and have no sex life. I cry all the time because he rejects me. I wont cheat because I feel its low and if I'm gonna cheat I might as well just get out of the relationship right???!!!?? I would prefer someone leave me than cheat on me so I figure I will treat as I would like to be treated. When we lived seperate we had more sex. Geezzzz when I was single I had more sex!! LOL!!! I think its a very good reason to leave a relationship except what will I tell my daughter when she gets older...I loved your dad, but he wouldn't put out so I left him...and didn't bother to care if you would suffer or not because you grew up without your father". Just doesn't make sense. He's a good dad, but we just have no sex. A therapist told me I had a lot more than some other woman and had to figure out what I could live with and without. Oh and yes I've investigated to see if he's cheating and could not find a darn thing. Unless he's really good at hiding things (which he really isn't) and is having sex while he's working. Oh yeah and I have a locator on his phone. He never lies about where he is or is going. The phone bill never has any unknown phone #'s. I'm going crazy here and my self esteem is going down hill. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/2/2007 8:13:06 PM | | I am in that type of relationship, and no, I don't leave. If the only thing wrong with a marriage is that a partner has lost his or her sex drive, a workable solution is to start dating others and developing sexual relationships with them. One should only do this if their married partner agrees to it, though. Otherwise, one should consider getting a divorce. This assumes that one has already exhausted trying to repair their mate's sex drive through various means. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/2/2007 8:43:01 PM | | ^^^^^ As long as your wife is in agreement, then more power to you. It's great that you were able to work out an amiable solution. As for me, I could never leave my mate because they lost their sex drive, or even dream of seeking sexual gratification in someone else's arms. For me, sex is an intimacy that is only shared with the man I love and adore. Besides, I think the vows went "for better or worse" not "for better, or as long as he's poppin' a chubby". | |
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new2u%
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Joined: 1/19/2007
Msg: 68 | |
| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/2/2007 8:46:34 PM | Captainbaud "You on F cking Glue." I have seen that you are one of many, that think it's ok to go elsewhere to look of "whatever" it is that you are not getting!!!
I do not believe in that "you and your SO" took those "Vows" If they do not suit you then you should "GET OUT" for your sake, and hers and any children that may be involved.
I guess that I am a lil oppionated when it comes to this!
That may be one of the reasons that I also have never been married, cause I "see" before that, that "he"s no clue as to what a relationship is, let alone a marriage!
^^^^^^^What she said!^^^^^^^^^ | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/2/2007 9:12:06 PM | While I feel that sex is a very important part of romance and attraction to my mate, and also a good deal of pleasure, I don't see my mate's value as being that of a purely sexual nature.
One thing is certain, if my partner no longer feels sexually attracted to me, there are issues either within himself or in our relationship that need to be addressed. I would care very much to know what those were.
I really do believe in the better for worse vow of marriage and monogamy. What I mean is that I realize it won't always be as per my expectations and our sex life will have its ups and downs. But he is more than just my sex partner and the fixer of my sexual needs. He's a man, with feelings, needs, aspirations and goals. He's a human being above all else.
I have had times in my marriages/relationships when I really didn't feel like having sex with my partner. Sometimes they were physical (tired, stressed, overwhelmed) and sometimes they were resentment based (I felt hurt and angry over something he did that I viewed as inconsiderate/uncaring) and that's going to happen in any relationship from time to time.
To me the key is resolution. I mean I want to meet my partners needs and that includes his sexual needs but if that is the only need he ever screams about, there is definitely something wrong with my partner and I would seriously question the integrity of our relationship, not to mention what its based on.
If my husband was in an accident and could no longer make love to me, does that make him any less valuable? Of course not. Yes, while unfortunate and I'd have to make a lot of adjustments, I'd like to think I'm there for more than his penis. I just don't see where love is even possible without being able to adjust.
Ultimately, I hope and desire a rich sex life. It will have its ebbing and flowing moments but I won't be basing my partner's value on that. I think the very idea is atrocious. I wouldn't start thinking it's over just because we're having a difficult period and a sexual dry spell.
When I'm no longer wanting to offer physical pleasure to my mate, then something is wrong and not wanting to have sex with him is just a symptom, not the disease itself. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/3/2007 2:01:51 AM | | I lived a marriage with no sex, 25 years, of which the last 15 were totally platonic. I stayed in the marriage because I am a man of my word. I vowed to stay with her no matter what, and I did. If I marry again, my vows will NOT be nearly as stringent. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/3/2007 2:17:38 AM |
So let's suggest that there is no sexual activity whatsoever, is it simply enough to have only small doses of affection or do we need the act itself to feel that we can keep going?
Medical issues can curtail otherwise normal sexual activity, but it shouldn't eliminate the desire. I can tolerate the inability. What I can't tolerate is the lack of desire. When desire has gone down the toilet, the relationship has gone there as well. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/3/2007 2:33:01 AM |
The late Christopher Reeve is a prime example of what I am talking about. That was a strong bonded marriage, and his wife stuck with him through it all, as frustrating as it must have been for her.
And that is precisely the point I stressed in my previous post. His desire was there in spite of his inability to realize that desire. His wife, however, indicated that there was some way of "circumventing" that disability, but she refused to divulge any details. The point is, the DESIRE was there, from BOTH partners! THAT is what is important! THAT is what makes the bond strong! | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/3/2007 3:07:08 AM | I could not live in a sexless marriage unless it was medically related.
To me if your not having sex and enjoying all aspects of your life then you are having deeper issues that need to be worked out. I have friends that complain of not getting sex from there wifes all the time but when you look at how they treat there wifes it's not suprising their SO doesn't want to sleep with them. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/3/2007 3:10:59 AM | Marriage and all that is involved means so much to me. LOVE, FIDELITY, COMMUNICATION, DESIRE.
It is an almost a natural belief that when we marry that we should unite through a sexual joining whether it be for pleasure or to pro-create, yet as others have mentioned the example of Christopher Reeve what happens then?
That's only too obvious. The MUTUAL DESIRE must be expressed. That was done in this example, but never divulged because of VERY UNDERSTANDABLE privacy issues.
Do we leave then after 40-50 years of marriage simply because they can no longer perform? I believe this is not a cut and dry issue and there are many things to consider.
DESIRE is the issue, and it is very much a cut-and-dry issue. Quite simply, without a mutual sexual desire, there is NO marriage, REGARDLESS of any legal documentation to the contrary. The example of Christopher Reeve was an excellent one, because it drives home just exactly what I'm driving at; MUTUAL DESIRE, REGARDLESS of physical ability to realize that desire. Yes, I realize that in this case it is a wife solving a problem with a disabled man, but I think the scenario is equally valid in a case involving a man solving a problem with a disabled woman as well. I don't see the difference. When it all comes down to the very essence of a marriage relationship, I think I can dictatorially state that there is no essential difference. | |
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