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kmhstx
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Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 76 | |
| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/3/2007 7:56:09 AM | Well lol dispite living a sexless exhistance right now lol. I would not enjoy being in a relationship and having a sexless exhistance.
I would have to figure out what was wrong.....is it me, is it him...why aren't we communicating physically any longer...what is wrong elsewhere in the relationship that is reflected in our lack of physical intimacy. Once those questions are answered and explored, then and only then would I abandon the relationship if that was the decision. Because I believe that there must be some reason for no intimacy...
If its a biological lack of sex drive...ie from medications or hormones ect...then maybe medical intervention would be helpful.
If its just that he's not attracted anymore...why? Ask why? If you aren't willing to make the changes he wants then perhaps we aren't ment to be together. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/3/2007 9:16:56 AM |
sex is overrated period. i think you people are lower level animals with no capacities for higher level intimacy.
I suppose it can be overrated for one who may have a low libido.
I read a few profiles of some women here, and one said "I don't want sex". I don't know what all else she said because that one statement shrouded the rest with one huge red flag. I think she was looking for marriage, but with that attitude, why does she even bother? | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/8/2007 9:12:18 AM | | Shouldn't we have an expectation of sex when we get married? I'm not saying that I should expect my wife on her back everytime I ask but some medium should be met. And all those that say just get a divorce easier said then done. A friend of mine got married into a rich family and signed a prenup about cheating. If he cheated he has to pay... sounds great she told me that if it got to that point where she thought she would get nothing she just wouldn't put out and he'll have to go else where then i got him. I go back to a previous thought When you got married you didn't marry a Drunk, and you expected them not to become one, whyshould it be any different with sex its part of the deal? And in most cases its men going without and we put up with it because we are the ones that pay for it. You dont put out for what ever reason and you get the house and the monthly cheque. its all good for one person. I asked my wife (in sarcasm) could i become a drunk and get the house and have you pay me $500 per month. No but she thought it was ok not to put out and me pay her and get the house. Why do we stay : it cost to much to give in. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/11/2007 1:24:18 PM | | i have a very difficult time believing couples who have been married for many years have much of a sex life. people assume it's old age; particularly, for couples who are in their 40's, 50's, 60's, and beyond. i disagree. i think it's plain old boredom with same person after many years. my personal belief is one should accept that as an eventual part of a marriage (since it's almost inevitable - i'm sure there are exceptions, but i highly doubt it's the norm). if one can't accept that, then one should never marry. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/11/2007 1:35:07 PM | | mnabtwn: that is such a bogus argument. often, people marry in their 20's. anyone in their 20's is old enough and, presumably, has a couple of brain cells to rub together. if you're old enough to get married, you should also be old enough to recognize your spouse may become distant, boring, fat, ill, or otherwise change in a negative way. if you're not willing to accept that, you have NO business EVER marrying. the only acceptable reasons for divorce are if your life is being threatened, your spouse is somehow destroying (and i don't mean your whiny little cliched right to "happiness") your life or your your children's lives. if you can't make a real commitment and FOLLOW through on it, then you're not marriage material and you need to work on your core values. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/11/2007 1:57:54 PM | Interesting perspectives, especially from the younger generation. Is a lack of sex a reason to leave? Depends on the reason for the lack of sex. It usually does take two to cause the situation - with the exception of medical conditions.
So following in that vein, who should leave? Almost always both are responsible for the decline in passion, romance, intimacy, and sex. Do we have to decide who's more responsible? Who started it? lololol
But at the end of the day, as pickyprofessional and others have pointed out, sex will decline, not matter how much passion and romance and intimacy remains.
No, lack of sex is not a good reason to leave a marriage. The reason for the lack of sex is more likely to be a good justifiable reason. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/11/2007 3:38:46 PM |
Ok, I found this statement a little odd and correct me if I am reading this wrong but is there somewhere in our vows that we say "I do agree to have sex?"
Don't get me wrong here because I am a strong supporter of a healthy sex life in a marriage but I don't recall saying that during my vows?? So how is not having sex breaking the marriage contract??
You expect your spouse to be faithful to you right?
Well, if you don't meet your spouse's needs and they have no option to get them anywhere else, where does that leave them? It leaves them stuck . I'm not saying they should cheat, but it's trying to play both ends at the same time. You can't have your cake and eat it to when it comes to marriage and sex.
You promise someone that you will be faithful, it's only logical that you help fullfill their basic instinctive needs so they can be faithful to you. Saying sex isn't implied in marriage is like tying up your spouse to a chair every day before you leave for work then coming home in the afternoon and getting angry because dinner isn't on the table.
I don't think cheating is right. I think people should leave each other before that happens. But I also don't think giving your mate ZERO OPTIONS is right either. Because if they hold to their promise to be faithful and you cut them off, you've back them into a corner with nowhere to go. Its not common sense.
Fidelity and access go hand in hand. If you can't handle that then don't walk down the aisle. | |
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vjaye
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Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 83 | |
| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/11/2007 4:49:44 PM | I HAVE NEVER TOLD ANYONE !
‘Get Out Of My Bed’
The shockwave of the words rebounded off the walls of my bedroom and hit my mind, with the force of a tsunami wave. My husband reached over and switched on the bedside lamp as he spoke. Angrily he demanded I take myself to the spare bedroom.
‘I have to get up early for work you know.’
There was no question of my feelings’ or what I thought about it, as he pulled the covers over his head to go back to sleep, cutting me out completely. Without a word I got out of bed, collected my pillows and went to the spare bedroom, where I cried myself to sleep, unable to understand what had caused my husband to act this way.
How could I understand his actions when our married life had been pretty normal? Now twenty-three years later I am still unable to understand, but now I am also unable to forgive. Maybe the series of events leading up to that night is the answer a psychiatrist would come up with, maybe, but let me tell you and see what you think! Hopefully writing this story will be therapeutic for me also?
I was twenty-eight-years old, divorced, with a young Son and Daughter, when I met Murray; he was thirty-six-years old, also divorced, with a teenage son. Murray and I had a daughter and life was good. We worked hard and our sex life was fantastic!
Our daughter was ten-years-old when all that changed. Murray’s son came into our lives! Two years later he married my daughter! Things began to change, slowly at first, but the arguments started. They were only small disagreements, which did not cause concern at the time. Now, I can see we should have taken more notice. Murray seemed always on edge when his son was around, hardly showing me any affection, but when we were alone things were still wonderful for us. Nine years later his son left my daughter with two young children. Two days before Christmas he moved in with a teenager, fifteen years younger than he was.
Our youngest daughter was on an overseas holiday at the time. She had decided to get married in UK before she returned. We were upset, as we could not go, but happy that she and her new husband would be having another ceremony when they got home.
My eldest daughter moved back in with us, while she put the house up for sale and we convinced her to take a holiday in UK and be there for her sister’s wedding. The day we see her and our two grandchildren off, Murray collapsed. The news was hard to accept that he needed major surgery and would never work again! He didn’t!
Was it the shock wave of these three events, all within a few weeks of each other that caused the words, Get Out Of My Bed? I will never know.
Progressively things got worse, until no affection was ever shown to me. I dreaded going to my lonely bedroom, maybe because, as a child from a large family I had never slept alone before. All I know is, I had to keep a light on and cried most nights for years. Not once did my husband attempt to comfort me. I try to forgive, but in my heart those words are echoing “Get out of my bed.’ Sometime a welcome numbness sets in. I was able to sleep without the light on, but stilled stayed up, as late as I could, until I was exhausted before I could face my bedroom. I still do. (NO! I never cheated)
I tried everything from tmpting, flirting walking naked and almost begging??? I am ashamed to say that! We lived our lives as a brother and sister would and have done for twenty-three-years. I became his carer for eight years before he passed away! BUT! A few weeks before he passed he told me he loved me, had always loved me, would always love me! I have never found out the reason why! I feel cheated of my womanhood! GO FIGURE! I never could, but your views would be good to hear. YES! I agree it is a reason to leave a marriage! Why didn't I? I loved him! is all I can say...
I yearn for the affection of a man’s arms around me. Yes I am old now. Am I too old? Please God I hope not!
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/11/2007 5:11:09 PM | lack of sexual activity within a marriage always indicates an underlying problem.
my ex-husband's constant drinking caused a huge rift between us. i totally lost respect for him and, since he stopped coming home, we stopped having sex.
was the lack of sex the reason for the divorce? hell, no. it was a symptom of a far greater problem.
to this day he will accuse me of withholding sex. this ridiculous allegation can't fly because i didn't make the conscious decision to stay drunk for days at a time. i didn't stay out every single night at a bar.
i would go weeks without seeing him at all. the only indication of his presence was the ever-increasing pile of dirty laundry and the dwindling balance in the checking account.
and i was expected to have sex with this person????????????
get a clue. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/11/2007 5:45:33 PM | Most men look at their wives when they first get married like an ice cream sunday. When she starts to "melt" or the flavor goes sour (physical and emotional changes) their lust loses steam and they feel like they need a fresh "dish." Women don't help the situation by enticing men into lust with their physical charms although most probably feel their not going to be loved if they don't.
I think pickyprofessional had a point when she said that sex is overrated. If one doesn't get to the point of sublimating desires through the fulfillment of duties to family and to society then the concept of marriage and relationships rises no higher than two dogs copulating in an alley. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/11/2007 6:07:19 PM |
If you found yourself to be in this type of relationship , would you consider it grounds for leaving?
I just found myself in this situation around a year ago. I was with someone for a long time. Out of the long-term relationship, we stopped having sex for almost 2 yrs. It was painful. I think it went something like this : We were both uncomfortable about something big that happened with us......we tried to ignore the fact that we were NOT having sex....to the point that it became a norm. It was horrible. Eventually, it was a quiet, silent suffering....almost like limbo. We didn't know what to do or how to approach the subject. We never talked about it. I thought about leaving and I am sure he did too. In the end, I left.....
Secondly if you do not agree that it is a reason to leave, how do you live in a sexless relationship???? Do you not feel that some level of intimacy is necessary to keep a couple bonded together???
Many people couldn't understand as to how we could've stayed with each other for so long without sex. Despite the cliched saying, I did love him. I couldn't leave him bc I had such feelings of deep tenderness, fondess for him...but there was no lust, attraction or desire anymore. But I stayed bc I tried to make myself believe that the sex wasn't important. Eventually, I learned the hard way that sex is impt....it really is. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/12/2007 8:28:47 AM | | Picky you must live in a wonderful world...but here in the real world people divorce for nothing. U said sex is overated so if you bring that into a marriage then u will have to find someone who thinks being physically and emotionally attached to you is overated. Good luck with that... | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/13/2007 4:46:13 PM | | I just left a relationship for mostly that reason and it seemed to me that the longer you go without sex in a relationship the harder it is to get along . now I'm not saying the relationship was based on sex but it seemed that without it the fire seems to subside and it makes one or the other or maybe both question ........ is this person for me and the longer it goes on the more you think no | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/13/2007 4:46:28 PM | | I just left a relationship for mostly that reason and it seemed to me that the longer you go without sex in a relationship the harder it is to get along . now I'm not saying the relationship was based on sex but it seemed that without it the fire seems to subside and it makes one or the other or maybe both question ........ is this person for me and the longer it goes on the more you think no | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/13/2007 5:03:46 PM | | I would definitely be this person. 4 years ago I left because 3 years of no intimacy was too much to take. God and I glad that's over. I believe in having a long-term commited relationship but I need the intimacy to be there to be more than a friend. I need someone to confort me in a way only a man can to a woman he loves. I would never go back to that. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/13/2007 5:18:42 PM | This is exactly why the makers of VIAGRA are millionares. And why sex toys, and
porn, and strip bars are making big bucks. WHY ? Because it is lack of sex in the
bedroom between partners alot of times. It comes from cheating..and some people
are just born cheaters. That is a different topic. Sexless relationships don't work.
Eventually, someone will cheat, and (or) leave the relationship. We all need love to
survive, to grow into healthy caring beings. Having sex without love is easy...
But, having love....without sex...is not easy at all. So, I vote yes...for sex. lol | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/13/2007 5:30:33 PM | The sister of a friend of mine has recently experienced her husband leaving her for another woman. It turns out the married couple had not had sex for over 2 years, due the wife's lack of interest.
Is it a surprise that he left? No. Is he a sh!t for the way he left, with a third party involved? Yes. Particularly as the third party is the wife's best friend.
Correction: was the wife's best friend.
I have often heard men talk about how they left their wives because of the wife's lack of interest in sex. I have always wished I could ask the former wife about this. Why did she lose interest?
A woman's sexual interest is often tied to the quality of her relationship. If there is trouble in the relationship, it affects her sexual desire. It's difficult to desire a man with whom we are angry/upset/hurt/disappointed. That's the way most women are wired.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I gather from men is that most men can desire a woman regardless of problems in the relationship. They can set aside the problems to simply enjoy the sex. Men are better able to resolve problems with their partner after sex with her.
Women need to resolve the problems first, before they can respond sexually to their partner.
In a relationship where there are difficulties with communication and problem-solving, issues pile up, until eventually there isn't any nookie left at all.
It's a shame. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/13/2007 7:03:01 PM |
The sister of a friend of mine has recently experienced her husband leaving her for another woman. It turns out the married couple had not had sex for over 2 years, due the wife's lack of interest.
Is it a surprise that he left?
It's a surprise he didn't leave sooner. Man or woman, if you aren't fullfilling their needs, they are eventually going to find it elsewhere. I certainly don't advocate cheating at all, but if he decided to divorce his wife and date another woman, it happens. It sucks that it happens, but it happens. Was he to sit there for the rest of his life sexless and have no other options if he held to his vows?
A woman's sexual interest is often tied to the quality of her relationship. If there is trouble in the relationship, it affects her sexual desire. It's difficult to desire a man with whom we are angry/upset/hurt/disappointed.
I hear this being said way too often. There are some women who do that, but I find most I talk to just don't desire sex anymore. Why should they? The rent gets paid no matter what. When the couple is together but not married, no one puts a stranglehold on putting out. Why? Because the man can leave them for someone else.
It's just emotional extortion. I'm not happy with you, do what I want and I'll put out for you.
If people had real guts, real strength, and this is men or women who have their spouses dry up on them, then they'd just leave. If a person dries up for a long period of time, then that must mean a long period of "angry/upset/hurt/disappointed" right? So why live with that?
If I'm not happy in a relationship, I'll just leave it. I won't use sex to extort people to behave the way I'd like them to behave, that's childish. In fact, part of the problem in finding a healthy non dysfunctinal man these days is the number of other women I see who do this kind of mindless bullshit. They break their men, little by little, until there's nothing but a shell left once they eventually toss them out. I'd say men were just as responsible for this type of crap, because many sure do plenty of stupid things, but they aren't the ones often who are withholding the sex.
You blame others for not giving you what you want, or you can blame yourself for not having the guts to leave a bad situation. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/13/2007 7:51:30 PM |
(OP) If you found yourself to be in this type of relationship , would you consider it grounds for leaving?
Absolutely!
Secondly if you do not agree that it is a reason to leave, how do you live in a sexless relationship???? Do you not feel that some level of intimacy is necessary to keep a couple bonded together???
Sex is vital to keep a couple bonded, however, the definition of bonding or what bonding means to many today has been twisted. Reading the profiles we see that bonding is more of a friendship bond than a romantic bond. A prospective partner must like doing "this" and must believe in "that" and must feel "this" way about certain things. Some stretch the importance of friendship to the point where they actually mention sex is not the important thing. The relationship is built on the quality of friendship as opposed to the quality of physical/sexual attraction.
Why is that wrong? It's wrong because as the sex in such relationships take a back seat ones partner seeks sex elsewhere. And why not? If sex isn't all that important, if playing golf every weekend or going skiing or believing in the same political party is so important then it's only natural for one to believe if all those things are present then they have a good relationship.
Frequently, we'll hear the "have his cake and eat it, too" comment. Questions like, "Why does the guy cheat and still want to stay in the relationship?" Well, because the relationship is working according to the criteria that was set in the beginning.
Often I will hear someone say they don't want a relationship built on sex. They want intimacy and bonding and claim that's accomplished by the things previously mentioned, however, when ones partner strays the first thing out of the mouth of the other is the destruction of intimacy, bonding, trust.........all the things so important to a relationship. What's going on here? Either sex is the bonding, the intimacy, the issue of trust and the foundation of a relationship or it isn't. How does sex go from the bottom of the "what's important" list to the very top as soon as one has an affair?
The answer is found in the Bible. Now, before anyone thinks I'm a preacher I can assure them I am not. The point I'm going to make is explain what marriage/partnership is.
Marriage, in western society, comes from the Bible. That's where we got the idea of marriage so what does the Bible say about marriage?
If we look at I Cor:7: 2-5 we read:
"[2] Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
[3] Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
[4] The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
[5] Defraud ye not one the other,....."
Verse 2 tells us the purpose of marriage, to avoid fornication. To avoid having sex with a number of different people one is to get married. That's pretty straight forward.
Verse 4 goes on to tell us the partners have access to each others body. Marriage is based on unfettered sex.
TheDancingQueen, in msg 82, summed it up prefectly,
Fidelity and access go hand in hand. If you can't handle that then don't walk down the aisle.
That's what marriage is and those who protest, assert it wasn't in the vows, claim sex isn't important do so at their own peril. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/13/2007 8:01:12 PM | Dave and Dancing Queen, I understand the points you are making.
But my point is this: When a woman loses interest in sex in a marriage, there are reasons for it--------just as there are when a man loses interest. Barring medical problems, the reasons lie within the relationship itself.
To tell someone to just buck up and put out just doesn't cut it. If the couple doesn't get at the underlying reasons for the loss of desire, they are toast.
This loss of desire doesn't happen in a vacuum. The root lies in the dynamics between the man and the woman.
I've heard of situations where the woman works all day, comes home to make supper, clean up supper, look after children, do a load of laundry, put children to bed.............while her husband did approximately 10% of what she did within their household. She's exhausted. Hubby has lots of energy left over, because he's been watching television. When he then expects her to respond to him sexually at bedtime, well............she's not happy.
I'm not saying that this is what happens in every marriage, or even the majority. But it is what I've heard many women relate as the reason why they have lost interest in sex in their marriage. They are just too bloody tired. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/13/2007 9:49:37 PM | Wow .... Lets see w/ so much going on life spiraling careers and the ever continuous climb to the top, large mortgages, The SUV payment, working late hours, learning new technology, kids the homework the house work the kids sports, videos, gas prices, grocery shopping, referee the fighting Sib's, babysitters and juggling the finances, heading for burnout. Ok that might cover the 28 to 30 something group that may go sexless.
Now.....From 40 to 60 group hi blood pressure, over weight, hi cholesterol, unthankful Sib's starting out, your parents health dwindling, life insurance, second mortgage, thankless coworkers, job sucks, not appreciated due to younger and stronger smarter passing you up. cost of living, gas prices, higher taxes, your pay doesn't seem to be keeping up, alcohol to wind down, (some smoke) and a few others to mention. Yea that may cause sex to disappear.
The younger group need to slow down lower stress and realize what is important, (there love and care for one another)
The older group same goes , But the fact is from 40 and on w/ hi BP thru meds men get ED but this can be treated.
As for just mental and Phys abusiveness.......Yea that is a reason to leave.
Stupidity to what you have gotten yourself into and losing what valued most. leaving is wrong.
Seek help when you still love them communicate, and take time to be in love. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/13/2007 10:15:43 PM |
If you found yourself to be in this type of relationship , would you consider it grounds for leaving?
I'd consider it grounds for finding out the whys and wherefores and continue from there.
Secondly if you do not agree that it is a reason to leave, how do you live in a sexless relationship????
Alter the relationship dynamic. Bad marriages can turn into good friendships through amicable divorces. Depends on the people involved, but it can work.
Do you not feel that some level of intimacy is necessary to keep a couple bonded together???
Some level of romance is necessary to sustain a romantic relationship, yes. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/13/2007 10:34:29 PM | There is absolutely no way I could or would stay in a relationship that was sexless...for I am thinking that the number one reason this is happening is because these two people are not communicating their needs or wants in or out of the bedroom, which means that there isn't that foundation to start with in keeping them together.
A healthy relationship is where these two will communicate to the other what is important to them, which is most definitely a combination of love , affection, and yes some good old fashioned sex. That release is necessary to make daily functioning together more harmonized in my opinion.
Tell me if you are sexually frustrated, that you are not going to get a tad grump? I know I do....
No, it is not a reason to cheat...for that is just downright spiteful, but I do believe that without sex, the relationship is going NOWHERE. | |
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