| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/13/2007 10:37:30 PM | The Lady: I completely disagree - one of the main reasons people get married is to have sex with just that person and to have lots of it due to the fact that they have live together continuously
Considering that the divorce rate is so high and its cost to men is even higher, getting married seems redundant. I have several friends who are married and they tell me that what is said regarding marriage and the frequency of sex is true - it basically drops off (and forget about bj's). Put this together with the fact that the number of sexless marriages is increasing (as seen in other media sources), getting married seems tantamount to getting a death sentence.
As to whom to blame - I'm thinking it's the woman's fault. If the guy wants it, and she doesn't it - it's the woman who is refusing. If there are issues in the marriage, there are other ways of expressing rather than destroying the marriage through forced abstinance. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/13/2007 11:11:25 PM | | I am in a sexless relationship now. I don't have a desire to have sex with my partner because he is unemotional and doesn't say what is on his mind. I have been in a relationship with this man for five years. And to this day he tells me we are just friends and that he likes me. This relationship has no passion. He said he doesn't want to leave the relationship. So i am figuring that we are friends with benefits and the benefits in my case is financial. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/14/2007 2:02:35 AM | But I wonder about the vow for better or for worse, sickness and in health, Hummmm
and what if they went blind,Would you leave them?
and what about the person who is paralyzed from the neck down, no sex there?
and what about other paralysis that could effect sex, would you leave them? | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/14/2007 3:02:56 AM | Living it right now, been together for 16 years. It has been an emotional rollercoaster, and I will say it isn't easy. The lack of intimacy has been a disgruntling fact, but with the help of friends I squeak by. And never being home sure helps, leaves a lot less to deal with. But I think it is grounds for leaving, it puts a strain on everyone, especially children, but I have turned to showing more understanding and bonding with my children to make up for what I cannot share with my spouse.
My 2 cents. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/14/2007 6:07:54 AM |
(Msg 97) Dave and Dancing Queen, I understand the points you are making.
But my point is this: When a woman loses interest in sex in a marriage, there are reasons for it--------just as there are when a man loses interest. Barring medical problems, the reasons lie within the relationship itself.
To tell someone to just buck up and put out just doesn't cut it. If the couple doesn't get at the underlying reasons for the loss of desire, they are toast.
I agree but withholding sex adds to the problem.
One could use exercise as an analogy. A person may develop arthritis. Because of the pain they stop exercising. When they discontinue exercising the arthritis gets worse. In a similar vein a problem may develop in a relationship. Because the person is upset they don't feel like having sex. By withholding sex the problems increase because now there is the problem of not being sexually satisfied, as well as, the original problem.
Sex is a form of communication between two lovers. Refusing sex makes as much sense as refusing to talk to ones partner.
We often hear of children getting into trouble because parents do not take the time to talk to them. One of the changes in today's world is families do not sit down to a proper dinner together. That was the time for everyone to get together and perhaps pick up on certain remarks made by adolescents. It was the time together more than the specific act of eating. The same with sex.
I agree as you wrote, " If the couple doesn't get at the underlying reasons for the loss of desire, they are toast " but by stopping sex they lose their want or feeling to get at the underlying reasons. They lose their connectedness.
We want our partner to want to solve the problem. I don't believe people think along the lines of "If I'm good I'll get sex/intimacy/closeness from my partner." It's more along the lines of "How do I get it (sex, intimacy/closeness)?" They are not specifically thinking about their partner. I believe that is the main contributor to relationship breakdown and affairs.
When we start a new relationship we're all thinking of the intimate moments together. Thoughts of passionate lovemaking are the thoughts that cause us to think about our new partner. The idea is to act in such a way or do some specific thing that will cause our partner to think about us and that is the purpose of sex. We can't expect our partner to care about our "problems" if our partner is not even thinking about us. That's the danger of stopping sex. It results in the opposite of what we want to happen.
(Msg 104)But I wonder about the vow for better or for worse, sickness and in health, Hummmm
and what if they went blind,Would you leave them?
and what about the person who is paralyzed from the neck down, no sex there?
and what about other paralysis that could effect sex, would you leave them?
One solution I came across was from reading an excerpt from a diary written by an author who lived in upstate NY. He contracted prostate cancer and became impotent. He left instructions for his wife to publish the diary upon his death.
He wrote that he realized his wife was a healthy, vibrant woman and like any healthy, vibrant woman she would miss having sexual relations. He had no objections to her seeking a lover if she was discreet about it. He preferred she did that rather than leave/divorce him.
(Msg 94) hey ...one question....does that mean all you men and women here are married and cheating?,....
Not me. I have a partner and here for friends only. I was quite clear about the importance of sex when we met. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/14/2007 6:08:03 AM | @tattat........
As this thread has said over and over, if a medical condition arises that one has no control over then of course you stand beside your partner because you love them and find other alternatives to find sexual gratification.
I do wonder however how being blind would affect sexual intimacy?
I am referring in this thread to two healthy individuals who for reasons unknown in their specific relationship have ceased being intimate together for sometimes years as some have posted. How is this living in a fulfilling relationship if there is no sex? Are they simply not co-existing together............what a sad way to live in my opinion. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/14/2007 6:49:23 AM | I would like to know from these men that are in a sexless relationship now. Have you given up doing something your wife wants. What has she given up. Do you stop paying the bills, doing dishes, helping out? I would suggest that the men and women that are going without wether cheating or not are still keeping up with other parts of the relationship deal. And are you really staying because you know you'll have to thank her for leaving you without sex by paying her spousal support?
I would also suggest that some of these men that are no longer on an emotional connection with their wives and the wives no longer feel the need for sex, How many times did the husband get rejected before he got to this point. This need for a man to romance etc, of course a women who is beutiful inside and out should be everyday, but what comes first the lack of sex or romance and whos fault is that. Talking will help but putting out when you dont want to will hurt a relationship.
It also seems that alot of people think that going without sex is just the way it goes, but I would say that sex is a huge emotional state for both men and women and when one takes in away in a selfish state that it tears a marriage apart. So the answer is TALK BEFORE MARRIAGE, set out the wants and needs (sure things change along the way) but both are suppose to change along the way too. I liked speed when I was 20 now i like comfort. (cars for you pervs) not my women. I would also think that there is a point when talking dont work and no amount of back rubs and candles is going to fix it. Then what ...New Thread | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/15/2007 12:54:47 AM | | There is always a reason for withholding, Someone makes a conscious decision, or has a change of heart, anger, hurt. If in that case the person you married has decided to reject you for some reason or another and carry it to the end, your marriage has been compromised. It's to bad that communication tends to break down when needs are not being met. Some never know what has happened, some learn to hate to cover the loss and make it easier to end it. As couples we have a long way to go. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/15/2007 1:45:33 AM | | Yep, this is why I have never married and other reasons, It takes two to tango but if one of the partners or both are getting what they really want they will either going into themselves or cheat and that to me is hell on earth. I am a furm believer in open marries if both partners agree to it. [covers her head to stop the shots] | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/15/2007 7:23:03 AM | This withholding sex, its very bad within a partnership: it is the death knell of emotional intimacy, the closest one can be with another human being. It doesn't happen without the basics: respect and trust. You are sharing bits of your most personal self with another - and that, makes you very vulnerable.
So why do we endure the ending of emotional and sexual intimacy, when trust and respect are violated by deliberate action or miscommunication?
Fear. We are in our comfortable, safe, expected daily patterns of living. We have sizable barriers - the loss of our home, perhaps separation from possessions. There is still that fear of social criticism and even ostracism from our 'extended family' of the ex's friends and family, of gossiping coworkers, should we fail in our relationship. But mostly, its fear of pain of abandonment and dread of the pain of physical separation, the emotional drang and sturm that lies ahead in the dissolution of our extended partnership that keeps us in stasis of life without intimacy.
Ironically, its the fear of repeating that cycle that keeps us from re-engaging: with ourselves (we hide from the true reasons), with our distrustful partner, and later with those whom we might share intimate partnered bonding - if we only could believe.
This fallacy of "open marriages", that we reach out to others to help us fill that void, the emptiness - its an option we should consider very carefully before we choose it. If we cannot mend the breech within our primary relationship - do you REALLY THINK that you can find a stopgap?
You cannot. It takes two people, each wrongful in their stubbornness to address issues, for intimacy to die. Intimacy doesn't suddenly cease! Are there not red flags and cries for help LONG before intimacy is withdrawn?
If a thing is broken, pretending that its not will not mend it. The hurting heart will not find its healing by seeking brief physical satisfaction with a stranger, or even with someone we know, for one simple reason.
You have stopped making the chemicals of social bonding. Don't you see? The brain is not some miracle of endless self mending! When we are hurt at our core, its JUST THAT, we are hurting, not whole, not functioning correctly. Often there is depression and social moroseness - the symptoms of physical damage within our brains. We go through the actions of living, but we are numb inside. And we are lonely.
The chemical missing is serotonin, and its released through little pleasures of emotional and sexual intimacy through longterm bonding. When our deepest bonds are damaged, you cannot suddenly switch tracks and find healing and magical restoration of that serotonin back to its orignal levels. YOU CAN"T - the cause of its depletion is STILL present, in the stress within that empty partnership. At best, you have a little feel good in the bondless sex. But, it comes with a price: guilt and frustration - because you find you are STILL missing what you seek. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/15/2007 10:51:42 PM | My 5 cents worth. My ex became very cold emotionally and very mentally abusive. After so many of this treatment I shut down emotionally and physically towards him. After we separated he wanted to go for counselling but by then I had absolutely no desire to even be in the same room as him let alone try again.
I have corresponded with a nice younger guy who is now in the situation whereby his wife is cold and does not enjoy sex more than once a month. I asked why he was still with her and he replied because part of me still loves her. He says they live together like roommates and he was content with that. Fast forward to 18 months later to this week and he finally gave up. They sat down and talked and he asked her to go for counselling and she said why? She was content to be in a sexless marriage. He is not and is moving out. He is an affectionate type of guy and he says he cannot go on any longer without intimacy and affection and love and caring in his life. Considering he is only 40 he still has a lot of life to be living.
I have found to my delight that after I left my marriage and got divorced, that I do have a very caring loving sexual side to me. Making love with a partner is one of life's best cures for anything. Snuggling up together afterwards and talking and holdings hands - Bliss. I could not go back to the way I was. Never in a million years. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/19/2007 9:40:01 PM |
hey ...one question....does that mean all you men and women here are married and cheating?,....just curious::
I was married for 25 years, the last 15 of which there was no sex at all. I was true to my vows, but I won't make that sort of commitment again. I can't see being faithful and getting nothing out of it. That's not a real marriage. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/19/2007 10:30:16 PM | | Yes, it is a viable reason to leave. People can say what they want about love solving all problems... but realistically part of our bonding is through sex. I couldn't imagine being with someone I didn't want to have sex with, not only for my sake but for theirs. How fair is it to stay with someone who you don't want sex with... and how foolish is it to stay with someone who doesn't want sex with you? I had a friend in England who finally left his wife on those grounds, and surprisingly she was pretty amicable about it. I guess the trick is knowing when it's turned into a friendship instead of a relationship. | |
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grtea
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Joined: 6/3/2006
Msg: 115 | |
| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 3/19/2007 11:15:35 PM | Sex is a very important part of a relationship. Its importance should be recognized and discussed at an early stage of a LTR. And, yes, I suspect that ultimately a sexless relationship is grounds for leaving a marriage ...though some couples negotiate their relationships in different currency... and if that works, all the power to them.
A side comment on this thread though.... for the most part, the thread has been quite an open and even handed on the subject and then we hit page 5 where there are a number of messages with comments implying that "women" are the reason for the 'sexless' relationships. This is a misconception. Many women too are caught in relationships where their partner has little desire for sex. I would ask those who view the topic of sexless marriages as an issue of women withholding sex to reread the earlier posts... | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 4/30/2007 11:35:31 PM | lack of sex in a marriage can be indicative of an underlying problem in the relationship, a low libido, or, in many cases, boredom in a long term marriage.
i have a difficult time believing if one is married 20, 30, 40, 50+ years sex doesn't grow stale (no matter how much one tries to "spice" it up). sex is primarily in the brain and it's often fueled by the "newness" of a relationship. once the mystery is gone, the sexual thrill is quickly lost. no one can maintain "mystery" indefinitely in a marital situation.
so many people believe older married people no longer have sex due to their physical ages. barring medical conditions, there's no reason for this other than boredom and lack of newness in the relationship.
this also explains (barring underlying problems in the relationship) why a spouse who is disinterested in his/her partner is interested in an outsider. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 5/1/2007 2:45:58 AM |
(Msg 117) i have a difficult time believing if one is married 20, 30, 40, 50+ years sex doesn't grow stale (no matter how much one tries to "spice" it up). sex is primarily in the brain and it's often fueled by the "newness" of a relationship. once the mystery is gone, the sexual thrill is quickly lost. no one can maintain "mystery" indefinitely in a marital situation.
Which is why it's vitally important to ascertain if ones potential partner likes sex, in and of itself.
I have difficulty with the concept sex is primarily in the brain. Sex is a physical stimulas designed to give pleasure similar, in some respects, to a nice hot bath. The sensation of warm water covering ones body while lying down causes the pleasure.
Let's look at two scenarios. The first person doesn't usually like baths but they've remodeled their bathroom, installed a whirlpool tub, then had a bath. They enjoyed it. The second person has a regular bathtub and enjoys having frequent baths.
Like sex, both people enjoyed having a bath but one enjoys a bath regardless of the newness of the bathroom or the model of the bathtub. It's my belief one who requires newness/thrill/mystery in order to enjoy sex is similar to the person who enjoyed the bath due to the newness of the bathroom/bathtub.
I believe many relationships end up sexless because one never determined the degree to which their partner enjoyed sex. Did they really enjoy sex or was it the flowers and candy or the home cooked meal or the movie or the washing of their car or........ Was/is their enjoyment of sex contingent on something that has nothing to do with sex?
While one may not wish to be accused of "you only think about sex" years from now they will wish they had given it much more thought. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 7/7/2007 12:08:50 PM | | This is exactly what i am trying to do, get a girlfriend, and it's not easy at all. I would like to go back in my relationship, try many times, next ? I don't know and when .... it's like a bomb you don't know ....... really sad | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 7/7/2007 3:25:24 PM | Damn. Counselling, role play, communication, try anything.
But if nothing works, leave. Better than cheating.
Edit: everything new is exciting. Everything gets stale after a while. That's why they say
Variety is the spice of life. You have to spice it up. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 7/7/2007 4:23:31 PM | Seems obvious to most people posting to this issue. If ther marriage or equivalent lomg term relationship has become sexless, there is something very wrong. It may not explicitly be in the contract, bur marriage is a sexual relationship. For virtually everyone, hearing I no longer want to sleep with you is equivalent to I don't love you anymore. Most people would leave after a while. This of course does not include serious medical problems etc. but these are relatively rare.
Oh, and where did the idea come from that sex always becomes boring with the same partner over time, or that as people age they lose interest? This is simply not so. As long as the relationship is sound, people normally remain sexually active all their lives. I know lots of couples in their 70's and 80's who are still quite active. You may lose interest in sex as a recreational activity, but you don't lose interest in the intimate physical connection with someone whom you deeply love and cherish. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 7/7/2007 4:29:19 PM | | once had a sort of sexless relationship for 6 months, only made love when he wanted to, my needs were never considered, it only happened about once a month if i was 'lucky'. He expected me to show him love etc but i didnt get any in return, i got out. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 7/7/2007 5:04:24 PM | WOW !! I truly disagree that it is ANYONES fault -
COMMUNICATION is the key, EDUCATE YOURSELF check "THE ART OF MAKING LOVE" not just having SEX. Women want someone to desire then - and they will respond. WE do not want to just have SEX.... feel us, touch, whisper things tht make us feel good - it has to be on going. IT'S NOT EASY !!! BUT, the end result
is well worth it !!!
Make love like you have never made love before :)
ESPECIALLY IF THIS IS A WOMAN YOU LOVE !!!! | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 7/7/2007 7:12:10 PM | | Thats exactly what happened in my last relationship. Sex and foreplay went from all the time to occasionally to once a month if that. The last 4 months were nothing about arguments why we didnt have sex or any sexual activities. Of course, now we are no longer together. Sex is an important part of a relationship, not the most important, but it is necessary to have a full and healthy relationship imo. | |
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