|
|
|
|
|
daisie
|
Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 26 | |
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/3/2007 7:16:53 PM | Love is a dangerous game.
Play with fire and you get burned.
Sorry....but really its true. Love can be the best thing and the worst thing in life all at the same time. You just have to focus on the good times. It wasn't all wasted time, it was a chapter of your life. Now its time to move on to other chapters.
It also helps to know that this isn't special, it's been happening to people since the beginning of time, it happens many thousands of times every day. It's just part of life. DONT let yourself wallow around in it!!! that magnifies it, blows it out of proportion and makes it much worse.
It's life. Be glad you had a love. the ones I feel sorry for are the ones who NEVER ever have any love. It truly really is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/3/2007 7:41:25 PM | Hey lloyd66, I feel your pain. i foolishly got married at 17 to my high school sweetheart. She left me after 45 years of marriage for another man. I finally divorced her a year later. I was so devastated and torn up inside 4 or 5 months and the pain was going away finally. Then I met another lady and my focus turned to her. I dated her for about a year and realized that I hadn't really loved my wife for a long time. She had become a real batch and I guess it was because she didn't love me either. Then I met the lovely woman and fell so deeply in love with her with a love I didn't even realize was possible. She started cheating and cut our relationship short after 6 or 7 months. We lived in different towns about 140 milkes apart, but had talked of getting married and all that stuff. was so devastated, that I actually thought about suicide and then realized she wasn't worth killing myself over. It took me a couple of years to get over her. I am now free and have just met a girl who I think was meant for me and me for her. Besides lustilly loving this gal, I really, really like here too. I guewss all I can tell you is to hang in there. It will absolutely get better. By the way, I see her and her new husband every year at Christmas as we have a giant family get-together at one of my son's house. i actually feel sorry for him now. You will wake up one morning and say to yourself: "Why in the he!! was I so upset over losing her. She wasn't worth it.  | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/3/2007 8:11:47 PM | Good recovery song dude ..I was just listening to it and it made me feal better.. I could relate.. Hope it helps..
All this time
I knew someday youd need to find
Something that you left behind
Something I cant give you
All these tears
And like a light love disappears
But hearts are good for souvenirs
And memories are forever
All this time
All in all Ive no regrets
The sun still shines the sun still sets
The heart forgives the heart forgets
But what will I do now with all this time
One more kiss
Even though its come to this
Ill close my eyes and make a wish
Hoping you remember
All this time
All in all Ive no regrets
The sun still shines the sun still sets
The heart forgives the heart forgets
But what will I do now with all this time
Say goodbye
Apart well make another try
But dont be sorry if you cry
Ill be crying too
All this time
All in all Ive no regrets
The sun still shines the sun still sets
The heart forgives the heart forgets
But what will I do now with all this time | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/3/2007 8:17:30 PM | i've been divorced not quite two years. the first year was miserable. i never thought i'd be completely happy again. then the next year was a little better.
now i'm as strong as i ever was.
the pain and the regret and the fear does go away. it's not fast and you'll be constantly taking one step forward two steps back but one day, you'll wake up and realize that it's not so bad anymore
good luck, hun | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/3/2007 8:26:55 PM | | This might sound crazy, but start with forgiving her. I know that when after six years of being married and coming home to someone in my ex's arms hurt. I took it like any red blooded American would(personal) I said things, I did things, that I can never take back. It all boiled down to my ego and pride being bruised by something that I can't control. The way that someone that once loved me, saw me. I went through a long period of bitterness, thinking that she never loved me, that she's probably been doing this the whole time we were together, you know all the self-defeating thoughts that haunt us in a situation like this. And after 10 long years of referring to her as the "****" it hit me:) I didn't hate her, I never did, I loved her and was still covering up ther pain the only way I knew how, through anger. I sat down, looked at the whole relationship from beginning to end. I looked at it from a third persons point of view, as honestly as I could possibly be. I was amazed, at what I found out. Of course she could've handled her end differently, she could've tried talking to me, if I'd have been around maybe she could've. I was so wrapped up in making a better life financially that I never saw that I'd moved away from her. I also know that they're men, just as they're woman that look for just such opportunities in relationships to move in and do just what it is that had been done without the threat of ever being in an actual relationship. So I did what it was that I had to do to free myself of her, I forgave her, I also asked for her forgiveness in anything that I had done to push her away, as well as for the things I'd said. You know, at that moment, looking into her eyes, I could see that love that I'd once saw, that she had for me, and I know that she knew that every word that I'd spoke was from the heart. I was able to turn and walk away feeling better than I'd ever felt in a situation like that. Her and I are friends today, she married about three years after our divorce and I'm happy for them. (By the way it's not the same guy) Your situation might not even be close to mine, all I know is that you can hurt as long as you choose to. I've feel in love since and been hurt just as bad as anyone can when they give it thier all in a relationship only to find out that you are the only one in it. It's just today I have a new set of tools to get me out of the rut that I know I can lay in for a long long time:) | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/3/2007 8:27:07 PM | I think at one time or another everyone gets hurt, some more than others, but it's really counter productive to be dwelling on it and asking why, maybe try doing things to get your mind off it, you will have to find out yourself what that is and don't worry if she found someone else so fast, let your heart heal, as hard as it may be, and when it heals your heart will be free to love again to the fullest...you can't truly love someone if you are not healed..time does heal all wounds ..all the best | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/3/2007 8:39:12 PM | Dear Mr. LLoyd66. Been reading these kind answers and commisserations regarding your distress. Read your second posting of wanting to "feel normal" and "get on with your life" is pushing me to post; I know such ideas seem logical, but hope you will forgive my two cents. With shock & (a kind of) bereavement, you're not going backwards sir. 'Normal' sucked (excuse my frankness), 'normal' blew up in your face. That's why there's no clear road of return. Your experience hurts, oh yes...yes. And there be mighty few who won't leap to compare wounds, or shine on your distress (to show that they've handled theirs); amazing indeed what is possible to endure. My two cents? well, for what it's worth, I say: build.
Consider the analogy of being at the bottom of a well. What lousy luck would have anyone there, plus the world keeps throwing things down the shaft. One could try and hold the weight of each piece of offel, or one could build with it (and eventually climb out.)
Structure helps. You're not shedding the pain, for now, you're learning to cope with it. When my spouse was killed (quite a while ago now), I had the sublety of a tank, was as protective as a lioness, could move mountains, aye, but could not sleep. Yes, the pain was a misery. Worked hard, tried lots of things, but eventually found succor in Habitat for Humanity. Hey - don't laugh - it was great. The men ignored my tears, let me hammer really hard and carrying the cement sacks helped take the edge off. You find some boundaries sir, some "structure" in your own way. I had about six or eight things going (besides work) before my head truly started to rest. But I must say, physical exercise was wonderful for a bit of respite.
Profound distress (can) promote a great deal of self-examination - yes support groups or other 'people-stuff' can help that aspect significantly - so can finally expressing some anger about the whole thing - blah, blah, blah. But the truth is, while this barrage is raining down on you, you learn to live with the pain. Keep reaching out - even if it doesn't feel right. Keep doing your job and taking good care of yourself (and responsibilities). You don't see it right now but that kind of structure can really, really help. And once in a while, get yourself truly exhausted physically, sexually, emotionally or anyone of those "allies" (eat right, take your vitamens, rest) and allow yourself that tiny step up. You're gonna be alright bud. | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/3/2007 8:46:58 PM | | A good book: "Mars and Venus: Starting Over" by John Gray. Healing takes time. Men and women heal differently. Having sex can be therapeutic for men, but don't get settle down. Learn from your mistakes: Divorce rate is 75% for marriages made within a year of the divorce. Check out the book. | |
|
| |
| |
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/3/2007 9:00:10 PM | | Hey bud, I feel your pain.I have been married twice,and both have cheated on me.I must be some sort of cheating magnet.Just look at it this way,Most people that cheat on their spouses have some sort of low self-esteem issues,and are selfish.Don't try to understand it, because you can't!You don't think the way that they do,and never will!So try not to bang your head against the wall to many times,because after awhile it hurts,believe me i know!!The pain in you heart will go away in time.One day you will wake up and it will be less,it won't go away completely,but it will be less.And once you pull your head out of your ass, and realize that it is not your fault,and move on it goes away even quicker!!So think of it this way also,when you go to bed at nite,you can sleep easy,knowing that you didn't scew anyone over,didn't ruin anyones life,didn't take anyones wife.What goes around,comes around,sit back and watch the show!!Don't lower yourself,or your values stick to your gun's you will be happier with yourself in the long run!!Trust me I've been there,got the hat,t-shirts,postcards everything!!Good Luck!! | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/3/2007 9:07:38 PM | Your post struck a cord with me, Been there, still haven't been able to trust for 6 years. But I feel your pain. I was married & left, and felt ok with it. Guilty for being selfish and knwoing this wasn't for me, but ok.
Then years later met someone whom I thought was the end all be all & it was game over for me, this is the one. Then 10 months later he's gone for no real good reason. But I wonder does it hurt more cause they did the leaving rather than ourselves?
Just don't rush into another relationship, only you can make yourself happy, someother person is just the icing on your cake.
Good luck | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/3/2007 9:33:53 PM | Try this technique,
Your self esteem is probably shot and you feel depressed. Try to replace one emotion with another. Get mad, get anry, tell yourself " Nobody beats llyod", "I'm in control", "I'm going to change my life", "I'm going to decide how I feel, not someone else", " No woman does this to me!"
Then once you feel stronger, do something constructive, clean out the garage, clean up the house, car or whatever. Show yourself that you can control your environment. Become mentally and physically in control of your life. Don't let life and your past control you. Try to be more energetic. Don't let your past or the rejection control you. Use your anger to do stuff that will make you feel more in control.
After you gain some control of your life through anger, control it through fun. Take Salsa lessons. It really takes your mind off things and women like a guy that can dance fast and smooth. This is for you, you stud.
Replace the anger with fun. You created the anger, you can create the fun. Don't date and expect to replace the love that you had for her. Do something that you always wanted to do, but didn't because you thought you couldn't afford it or she didn't want to do it.
After you have done all of this, then try to find the humor in any of the breakup.
If it sounds hard, it is, but it works. You would be amazed at how we can emotionally control our feelings. It may not work for all. We are all different. But, maybe one of these techniques will work for you.
When you are ready, you will find someone just like her, but one that will love you with all her heart and forever. Good luck, my friend, and God Bless your journey. | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/6/2007 9:27:38 AM | | when my friend's husband left her, she was devastated. he got into some pretty hard core drugs, stole all of their valuables (including the kids' video games) and took off. she called the time after "waving". like one minute she was ok, glad he was gone, like she was just floating on water, calm and peaceful. then a tidal wave of emotion would hit, and she was drowning in sorrow, loss, anger.....and then would come up again a few days later. floated along, tidal wave. the good thing was the intensity of the tidal waves get less and less as the days go by. more days of floating, less drowning. she said she eventually visualized the water and learned to fight against it to stay strong. a little different but makes sense to me. heres to days of floating in serenity for all of us <3 | |
|
coimhe
|
Joined: 12/12/2006
Msg: 40 | |
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/6/2007 1:19:25 PM | | 8 months on - I cry silently every night when no-one knows. I act during the days as if I'm happy and sane and I do all the things I have to do so no-one knows. I have been through separation and divorce but nothing like this ever before. Such pain our brains are capable of dealing out to us, it's incredible. I guess the pain matches the strength of the love. | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/6/2007 1:33:40 PM | Sounds like part of the problem is that you didn't make the decision, that you are smarting because you were so easily replaced, not necessarily just because you split up. I wonder who decided to end your other relationship?
With me, my first divorce was harder emotionally, although we were only together three years, were very young, and had no children. I simply did not feel that I had expended 100% of my energy in making the marriage work although I felt in my mind that splitting was the right thing. With the second marriage, I went way beyond the call of duty to try to make things work and it was less stressful when I finally did end it.
Your biggest step in getting beyond this is to stop dwelling on it and make up your mind that this is what you are going to do. You look at the mistakes you made, the ones you think she made, glean the lessons and move on. Focus on your kids, the life you are building for them, and the hurt will lessen with time. | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/6/2007 1:38:49 PM | | Depending on how long the relationship,It usually takes 2 years to totally get over.But you will inprove every day. Take this time to rediscover yourself.Find hobbies you've put off for a long time.Your wise not to get involved in a romantic relationship until you've fully healed.It would'nt be fair to you, or your new mate.You'll just end up holding them to a standard because of your pain from your ex. Or you wont really be yourself trying to please them just to not have it happen again.Hope this helps. THE WIZARD | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/6/2007 1:54:08 PM | | You hit that one out of the park it is your choice on how you deal with it.You can choose to be bitter or happy.It's up to you.If you choose happiness,Your ex will wonder why & how after she just rejected you.It kind of turns the rejection back on her. | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/6/2007 3:59:39 PM | Losing romantic love can hurt.For some it never heals fully.Yet the pain CAN be reduced if not erased by another romantic love.I've never been destroyed or hurt so deeply by a man that I could never get over it.I felt guilt for my marriage ending but it has resolved itself into a wonderful relationship with my ex.now I'm happily in love with my Ian.
Those of you that have lost at love will one day find someone else to erase the pain.Keep the faith. | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/6/2007 5:31:15 PM | Ah, hun, it varies from person to person, and try not to over analyse what happened.
Instead, start pursuing other interests, to get your mind off the whole messy situation.
And watch the comedy network once a day! I just finished watching how one comic was incorporated beavers, unique way of defending themselves...They chew off their testicles!
Lol
don't worry, her karma will catch up with her | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/6/2007 5:51:39 PM | | i could have written this for you, so so similiar, she went home to the philippines to see her family, came back and said she wasn't happy. she wanted a quick divorce,said she never had a chance to have fun. i brought her back from the philippines, gave her everything, tonight she is out with her friends looking for a young stud. it still hurts so bad, i beg god every night to take my life. i also met two women, both were very nice, and liked me. but i would not let them get close to me at all. i keep hoping she will change her mind. in my head i know it is hopeless, but i can't get my heart to go along with it. i also was married the first time for 26 years, she left me and my two daughters, that hurt much, this time it hurts so much more. i promised myself i would do everything to make this relationship work, i know i have. my ex inlaws love me to pieces, and they are great, but.......... so i am asking the same question, my heart goes out to you, i guess it is true, nice guys do finish last | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 1/6/2007 7:49:34 PM | | It will take time of course, You need to find something you like and put your heart into it, or at least try! You also need to talk about it, most of it is the change, You are now alone, and that is a tough one all by it self. Trying to find someone to fill that void will only make the void bigger, and would not be fair to the woman you are seeing. You will get there, and if you need someone to talk to you can always chat with me! | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 2/4/2007 11:45:47 AM | | thanks everyone for all the input i've spent alot of time thinking about it all and how to make my life better and learn to heal from all thats happened thanks | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 2/4/2007 6:12:33 PM | I agree with Singledad, I don't know that you ever get "over" it nor should you.. I think what we do is we grieve it and then "compartmentalize" it where it becomes part of us. The difference is some people become stronger knowing it never had anything to do with them, but rather the other person was and always will be looking for somthing they can't find within themselves. Others are alittle more cautious in their next relationship, but a good heart is the only heart that is ever capable of loving and hurting, the people who cheat and lie are simply infatuated and truly never will know what it is st be in love. Eventually they drown in their own heartache and misery...The one true way we know we have loved is when we feel its loss... | |
|
| how long does it take to stop hurting?
Posted: 2/4/2007 6:58:38 PM | well I am seperated and have been for 2 years from my husband and I still cry myself to sleep every night. I have been with him since 1998 and we have 2 kids together and he just walked out on us but he has my heart and he is my soulmate. I am now 23 and I thought that I would have been over him by now but I am no where near it. HELP ME!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!! i AM DIEING HERE!!!!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!
ALL ADVICE WILL BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!!!!!!!!! | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
