| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 12/7/2007 11:53:25 AM | Quote "My best guess as someone who refuses to conform to the male idealizm " unquote
When someone asks a question to which you do not know the answer you aren't forced to come up with a "best guest", this isn't some weird TV show where you win a prize if you "guest" the right answer.
If you tell a woman you love her, most of them run away.
You simply have to wait for her to say it first, then she's ready to hear it from you.
And if you pursue a woman like anything you see in the Hollywood romantic movies, pretty much every sane male knows he's going to get a restraining order & maybe thrown in jail.
Guys talk about their feelings, just not with every one, and we don't need an audience, like most women do....hence the popularity of the talk shows.
Alot of women open up just to be heard...especially when it's to men, not to have solutions.
But if they happen to want a solution then they need it confirmed by as many people as possible, and even then they are unsure of following the advice.
Men will open up to someone they trust to be discreet and to offer advice, hope or confort.
Most men don't talk too much to their girlfriends because.
A-women want the strong man...even though they say they don't. And being emotionnaly week is attrative to a woman when it's here gay friend.
B- If you tell her anything of significance, odds are her sisters & mother along with her friends at work & her friendly neighbor will end up knowing it.
Most woman say they want honesty...but that also BS...I'm as honest as they come.
And I've been single for 2 yrs. | |
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 12/7/2007 11:58:45 AM | metaphysicalman and nipoleon summed this up quite nicely.
We men do have feelings, but we've often been scorned or ridiculed for showing them.
(keyword is OFTEN)
Once bitten, twice shy
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/16/2008 5:13:41 PM | Oh please metaphysicalman, there is a difference between scratching your butt and tearing it all to pieces... Sharing your feelings is hardly "unmanly behavior". I have a few males friends, not American born & raised, that have no problem expressing their feelings and they are not lesser men by any means ... hahaha in fact one of them has a hard time because most woman flip for him ... I call them his fan club.
Sharing your feelings doesn't mean simpering around, whining and blubbering like a big baby.
To me, it means thinking about what's going on in your head and verbalizing it. | |
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/16/2008 10:32:01 PM | It's about process.
Men often have little idea what their feelings actually are, given that they're socially conditioned to deny them.
Also, consider that women ask that question when they want to hear a specific set of emotions, and men aren't empathic enough to know what to say.
So she asks the question wanting/expecting to see "I feel so wonderfully about you" etc. etc. etc. or at the very least something reassuring.
If he answers with "I'm worried I'll lose my job" or "I sometimes wonder whether we'd be happier apart" or something, she'll hear the wrong thing when she needs to hear the right thing the most.
And, just like as how when you give an animal an electric shock when it does something and soon it doesn't do it anymore, any legit efforts to do that cease.
Now, YOU might not do that..... but someone in his past might have done. | |
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/16/2008 10:51:57 PM |
Maybe it's the biggest test that women have dreamed up to weed out the men
they may or may not be interested in. Get a man to spill his guts, and then two minutes later, dump him, because of his unmanly behavior!
Yep.
Most men have become wise to that game. Good call.
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/17/2008 2:29:00 AM | This was a great thread....I would like to add my (female) perception to this....
I think that men do tell us many things, however, we (women) oftentimes just don't listen to what they are saying. We just want to hear what we want to hear. If what they say is not what we want to hear, we shouldn't ask. I think it has led to a real lack of honest communications between the sexes. I have talked to many of my male friends about this and they have said, "I say what I think she wants to hear just to keep the peace".
I also think that men have been conditioned by society to not always express their feelings (i.e. a male child falls down and gets hurt and is expected to get up, brush the dirt off and continue on). How many times have you watched a sporting event (such as Little League baseball) where a boy has hit a long ground ball. He runs for first base and trips; and yet, his parents and others in the stands scream and yell for the boy to get up and try to make it to second base even though he hurts. Is that not the beginning of a boy learning how to control and deal with emotions? God forbid he should cry.
We think that if a man and woman break up and we hear that the man was out with his buddies the next night that we never mattered to him. That is also not always true. It may be just their way of dealing with their feelings.
I, for one, do want a man who is open and honest and I will not chastise him for it. I may not like what he has to say but I accept that is how he feels and I do accept those are his feelings. It allows him to be "him" and for me to make realistic decisions about "us".
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/17/2008 3:31:46 AM | Why? Becuase men are able to sort matters into iossues that matter and issues that don't matter. most isues really don't matter, thus we don't CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/17/2008 8:45:52 AM | I'm hearing a lot of stuff about how men are conditioned to hide their emotions, etc.
I don't buy it.
One thing I find remarkable is that women are able to say "Women do this. Men do this. Why are men wrong?"
Why do men get criticised for not having enough emotion? Wouldn't it be just as fair to say that women have TOO MUCH emotion? And indeed, from the male point of view that's exactly the case.
I used to get criticised by my ex girlfriend occasionally. She used to read "That's Life", a soppy "true stories" type magazine, kind of a talk show in paper form. She'd read these stories of people who's children died of cancer, or whose husbands ran off with their hairdresser, or whatever, and she'd cry. She'd read me the stories with a choke in her voice and I'd go... "Uh huh".
I just didn't care. Just like I don't care about the people in soap operas.
But she berated me, for being unfeeling, uncaring. Until I told her in no uncertain terms that I feel what I feel and I refuse to be criticised for not being her. Then she shut me up and let me get back to playing videogames. :)
(Before I sound like a pig, we were playing together, taking turns, and having an awesome time.)
Men can feel genuine emotion, we just don't feel the need to wallow in it.
I know women who say that every now and then, every couple of months, they just bawl their eyes out. For no real reason. Many women cry a couple of times a month. They say sometimes you just need to have a good cry.
As a man I say... why? I don't cry. I cried when my son left, and I cried... I can't remember when it was, but there was another reason. I don't feel the need. I feel emotion. And I speak clearly and openly about that emotion, with no shame at all.
But I only speak about emotion I actually HAVE and it would appear that's less than women tend to have. And yes, despite women having "more emotion" it can be a real struggle getting them to actually TELL you what their emotions are about.
Male emotions are at least simple. Happy. Sad. Angry. Women have these complex "compound emotions", these nuanced multilayered tapestries of emotion. They are hurt, but hopeful for the future and a tiny bit bitter. They're happy, but with a tinge of melancholy. They're sad, but happy about being sad. They're jealous, but irritated at being jealous and angry for you making them jealous and unhappy because you don't realise but concerned in case they're right, but happy because they know they look really good today.
If I was to summarise for the OP I'd do it thusly: Women need to stop criticising men for not being women. Stop assuming that because men do things differently men are wrong.
p.s. The previous baseball story... what's the point of crying? What does he get by crying? The answer is nothing. He wallows in his pain rather than overcoming it. If he gets up, he could win. He could achieve something, he could triumph over his pain and gain confidence and strength. I know what the women are thinking "Pft, typical male.". So? Just because it's not how you feel doesn't make it wrong. | |
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/19/2008 1:47:41 PM |
I am serious!! It seems most men do not just state their feelings. Period and that`s that. We are all human and want affection and most of us like honesty, even if it hurts. So, explain to me why a man finds it so hard to get serious about his feelings with the woman?
Why do women always want men to open up with their "feelings" ????
Ever notice how viscious women can be during a divorce?? They do the same thing even when they are not "married"
Now think about it, some poor sap opens up, pours out his "feelings" and then once you get what you want, you dump him.. with his fanny and dirty laundry blowin in the breeze.
All those "feelings" can suddenly be shoved through the crapper....
I wouldnt give up that little bit of me, just to have it waived around and paraded in front of all your friends to laugh and jeer at... LOL.. | |
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/19/2008 2:10:17 PM | A mans daily thoughts go like this.
i am hungry, need to find a burger.
trucks low on gas, better fill it up.
the sex last night was good, hope to get more tonight.
i wonder how many are coming over friday for poker, and should i restock the beer fridge.
works going okay today, maybe i can leave at a regular time today and go play some hockey.
Damn hungry again, i better find more food.
blowing that donut in the mcdonalds parking lot was cool, i love my truck. and its full and washed to, life is good.
I better walk my dog tonight, he needs it, after hockey though.
So will leno be funny tonite or suck?
Ya i hope the GF is randy again, she was awesome last night, she wanted me 3 times in a row, yup life is great.
If you think i am kiddinggals, go ask a guy what he thinks on the average day, i bet that was really close. | |
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/19/2008 2:35:49 PM |
as weak by there peers as well as fear an opening of feelings as an opportunity for a woman to take advantage of them.
Weak and being mocked, now there's a concept.
No one likes being pigeon holed.
I've seen it dozen's of times. Once a man let's a woman know what the deal is with his feelings things go south, it's just good policy to keep that shit under wraps. Getting serious with a woman doesn't create any attraction, rather no traction and down you go on the slippery slope to being someones ****.
Vice versa I don't want to hear about a woman's feelings, she's with me now, and we're having fun. Sounds good.
*fine print* This does seem to work for some men. | |
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/19/2008 3:13:02 PM |
I think that men do tell us many things, however, we (women) oftentimes just don't listen to what they are saying. We just want to hear what we want to hear. If what they say is not what we want to hear, we shouldn't ask.
excellent Carrie.
I have never really had much fear of saying what I've felt about things and haven't had any negative feedback about it I can remember. However, I have had issues with women telling me I'm not telling them how I feel because they haven't gotten what they want yet. It's a very frustrating situation. | |
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/19/2008 3:32:02 PM | Re the Opost
IMO, it is because many men are afraid of the "traditional" ability of MANY women, still nowadays, to use the info they gather from the expression of feelings of a man and use them, with cunning emotional manipulation ability, against them, sooner or later. A man does not run that risk with modern straight talking women (the real ones, not the fakes). | |
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EH1
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Joined: 1/8/2008
Msg: 66 | |
| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/19/2008 3:38:06 PM | The simple truth is, the more you open the vent to your feelings, the more control your feelings have over you. Men are expected to be strong and be the leader in most relationships. In order to do this you can't let your feelings rule over you. Alot of crisis that men are expected to deal with are impossible when you listen to closely to your feelings instead of doing what you know you should do.
I think it is healthy to have someone in your life, a family member, a close friend, a psycologist/psychiatrist, someone who a man can express his emotions to. I also beleive that it is foolish for a man to give full vent to feelings all the time because it is not good for a man to be a wimp. | |
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/19/2008 3:42:05 PM |
1.) They aren't as frequent as women's.
2.) They are MUCH more controllable than women's. (We have the ability to stop thinking about stuff most of the time on command.)
3.) We don't need to always talk our feeling through. Men deal with their feelings by THINKING about them, not talking about them.
4.) They scare women off. We want sex. Sharing feelings makes us your "gay friend" and "like a brother". No sex comes from that. Devistating consequence leads to a conditioned response.
5.) We do tell you, but it's short and easy to understand. You may have missed it.
humm that about covers it..ubkobalt about nailed it | |
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/19/2008 5:11:22 PM | After I had been separated for a while, and was ready to get involved in a relationship, one of the first ladies I talked with (via email and such) asked me why my marriage ended. Well, I hadn't fielded the question before and I really struggled with it. I didn't want to air my business. I really wanted to give a fair and truthful answer. Without dragging up all the gory details, I explained how things went south, what I thought and felt, what I thought my ex thought and felt. I didn't want to just lay the blame on my Ex, when we all know it takes two, etc... and then I told her. She came back with "I'm not attracted to men with beards" as if that wasn't clear on my profile before we ever traded a word.
Well, now I have a new answer to that question. "I'll tell you when you have a right to know." | |
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/19/2008 5:32:22 PM | people have different ways of expressing emotions. some people communicate verbally ~ by coming out and telling you how they feel about you. others prefer to demonstrate their affection through acts of service ~ they'll cook you a meal or change your oil. others will give a gift, while still others will spend quality time with the one they love.
we can't chastise another for having a different style of expression. personally, i don't express emotion well at all. i often hear that i 'hold back' or that i'm too reserved. i always figure, 'well, if i didn't like you, i wouldn't spend time with you...can't you see that???'
plenty of men probably feel the same way. and long ago, i stopped listening to what people say and instead i watch what they do. if we can just shut up for a while and watch the person we're with, we can learn so much about how they feel. | |
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/19/2008 6:14:34 PM | | In my experience it doesn't do much good. The females either A) Ignore it because obviously she could never be guilty of such a thing, B) Get angry because I was displeased with her in some way shape or form, C) Accept it because it was something she wanted to hear and made her feel good. | |
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/19/2008 6:44:07 PM | | I guess it's because the only people who don't criticise me for stating my feelings are my closest female friends, who I've known for years and wouldn't hurt a fly and from what I've seen and heard, my experiences are much like everyone else's in this regard. | |
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/19/2008 9:27:51 PM | | One of my most successful relationships thus far has been with a man who was what some would call the strong, silent type. He did not use a lot of words in expressing his feelings for me. He did not have to, he expressed them through actions and how he treated me. There were no insecurities. I did not need constant verbal reassurances from him. I knew how he felt about me. He loved me! | |
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| Why do guys feelings not get heard? Now don`t laugh.
Posted: 1/20/2008 4:00:43 AM | Last gal I was seeing stopped talking to me after I told them I wanted a hug and kiss when meeting and departing. I also told them I thought it was important to spend at least 15 min in private conversation each day that we were together...
Apparently that was too much to ask...
I suspect the amount of honest communication a gal gets is directly proportional to how well she can handle whatever info / feelings get shared... (Possibly subject to how well other females handled his communications of feelings in the past as well...) | |
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