| I would like advice on something please.....
Posted: 7/2/2007 1:01:18 AM | It sounds like a post I'd ask advice on. Very similar thing happened to me just recently. Dated a guy a year and had formed into a relationship. We were always there for each other. I needed a car he gave me his, he needed a loan I gave him the cash until payday if I had it. We spent several days a week together.
Then after a couple of minor arguments he decided that I was just coming out of a marriage of many years and shouldn't want to be tied down so soon with him. He wasn't sure if this was going to be his last relationship to last a lifetime also so he decided we should date other people and still see each other as a couple would do. I told him dating others would be ok with me but that didn't mean sex with other people would be ok with me. He agreed but said if it were to happen he would use protection. I never commented on it any further.
The next weekend came around and he didn't so I went out with a friend of mine and I met a very good quality man! Weekday rolls around and he invites me over twice in 3 days. On the second visit he acts like a jackass which started a slight altercation which somehow lead to a discussion. I told him I met someone. That was all I had to say for him to decide that he wasn't going to even kiss me goodbye and that I had to make a decision. The next day I had to see him to collect something that I had left there. I again asked him for a kiss goodbye and he told me he was pursuing other interests. I asked him so what else is new and how had this changed anything. He just chuckled.
I have come to the conclusion that these people either want you to express your undying love for them and ask for a commitment or that it's ok for them to have other partners but heaven forbid you should.
What do all of you other people think? This must have hapenned to quite a few of you and how did it turn out for you? | |
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| I would like advice on something please.....
Posted: 10/29/2007 2:01:55 PM | | What you do and how you respond depends on how much you like this woman. If you really like her and want to have a more serious relationship, then talk to her about it. If not, then you'll still need to remind her about that conversation you had a while ago where she explicitly said she was okay with you dating other girls. Jealously happens even between just good friends, especially if there are some feelings there. Quite honestly, she probably regrets telling you what she told you. Maybe you need to talk about it again to clarify her feelings. Good luck with that. | |
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| I would like advice on something please.....
Posted: 10/29/2007 11:35:18 PM | I get the idea that it wasn't discussed clearly that you two were developing a more involved relationship after the conversation you wrote out, but come on, who spends Christmas Day and New Year's Eve with someone who is just a fwb. She was probably surprised that you weren't on the same page with her, and was thinking that the relationship was developing into more, even if you two didn't overtly discuss it. She has a right to those emotions, because human beings will feel what they feel, whether or not who "was right" and who "was wrong." She got hurt that you would feel the need to have sex with other women while you were having sex with her. It's not about whether or not you were allowed to do so or not. It is still a blow to her ego and her heart that you would want to. No one wants a guy that is only faithful because they have to be. They want a guy who wants to be faithful, and doesn't want anyone else but them. And maybe she didn't even want to tie you down with the "ball and chain" type let's-be-exclusive-now conversation, but still in her heart wanted you to want to be exclusive with her. Is that so hard to understand? It's not rocket science, people.
As to how to deal with the situation now? That depends on how you feel, but it really doesn't sound like it's going to work out even if you wanted to give a real relationship a go now, does it? | |
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| I would like advice on something please.....
Posted: 10/30/2007 1:39:22 AM |
I get the idea that it wasn't discussed clearly that you two were developing a more involved relationship after the conversation you wrote out, but come on, who spends Christmas Day and New Year's Eve with someone who is just a fwb. She was probably surprised that you weren't on the same page with her, and was thinking that the relationship was developing into more, even if you two didn't overtly discuss it. She has a right to those emotions, because human beings will feel what they feel, whether or not who "was right" and who "was wrong." She got hurt that you would feel the need to have sex with other women while you were having sex with her. It's not about whether or not you were allowed to do so or not. It is still a blow to her ego and her heart that you would want to. No one wants a guy that is only faithful because they have to be. They want a guy who wants to be faithful, and doesn't want anyone else but them. And maybe she didn't even want to tie you down with the "ball and chain" type let's-be-exclusive-now conversation, but still in her heart wanted you to want to be exclusive with her. Is that so hard to understand? It's not rocket science, people.
I think that's the most insightful post I've read on this thread. There's someone who's really in touch with their feelings, rather than the cold, hard PoF logic that gets applied to 99% of the situations that come up here. | |
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| Never said we were Dating exclusively
Posted: 3/2/2008 11:22:50 PM | | In a womans mind, if you are consistently see each other and sleeping together......this means that she expects you to be monogamous, maybe going out to dinner with someone would be ok, but sex with anyone else is definitely a NO NO. | |
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| I would like advice on something please.....
Posted: 3/3/2008 12:10:26 AM | This is why FWB just doesnt work for most people.
I have a friend that I consider very attractive. Very. He has also told me that he finds me attractive enough, but that there is no "magic". In other words, he would sleep with me, but he is not in love with me.
We decided that platonic was best for us, and it has been for a few years now. Occasionally something will trigger our lukewarm attraction and the subject comes up again. In this relationship, I could easily need more from him than he can give. Our agreement to each other, is that he will not touch me unless he is ready to meet those needs.
We are still platonic. It works that way when you care about each other. That's what friends do, ya know. They Care. | |
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| I would like advice on something please.....
Posted: 3/3/2008 1:23:17 AM | I believe the main problems are: 1) Some women don't know what they want, 2) Some women want it all and don't want you to have any, and 3) Some women don't understand the term exclusive.
In December, my girlfriend of about two months dumped me. Then in February, when she found out I had spent the night in the emergency room of the Indiana Heart Hospital, after 60 days or so without any contact with her whatsoever, she asked why I was inn the hospital. When I told her I had experienced some angina pain after sexual activity and it turned out the pain was a result of my blood pressure being increased by some herbal/natural pills designed to increase sexual vigor, she went off!
"I thought you loved me.You said you loved me.Why did you go to another woman? Why did you find it necessary to use those pills? You didn't need them with me..." She would have continued ad infinitum if I hadn't stopped her in mid-sentence and said, "But you wanted your space, you wanted to dump me, you wouldn't answer my text, voice and email messages."
"But you said you LOVE me!"
"I do love you,but you wouldn't have anything to do with me and a man has desires, needs."
"Do you love HER?"
"In a way."
"IN WHAT KIND OF WAY!!"
"In a carnal way."
We did not get back together, but my friend with benefits who I got the angina attack with thinks she has found Mr. Right, so the benefits have been deleted from the friends with so I am seeking another partner for intimacy. In the meantime, the girlfriend who dumped me but got pissed when she found out I was being intimate with someone else, sometimes sends me three forwarded emails a day that show anything from cute kittys and dogs, to Good Wishes for Friends Day,"
There really isn't any point to this post except to say, we should expect things like this to happen in life, after all, we are dealing with homo sapien women, one of the most volatile, misunderstood, enigmatic species on earth. If you want some peace and tranquility in your life, buy a pit bull or an aquarium full of piranas -- they are far more predictable. | |
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| Never said we were Dating exclusively
Posted: 3/3/2008 8:05:18 AM | | well i never assume im exclusive with someone unless we have talked about it.. till then i dont assume anything.. she obviously lied when she said she was cool with u seeing other people.. you didnt do anything wrong. | |
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| Never said we were Dating exclusively
Posted: 3/3/2008 10:16:33 AM | | Exactly! If it was never said you two were exclusive then your not. She needs to deal with the situation or push on if she can't handle it. Situations become complicated because of a perceived level of emotional attachment that may or may not be there for both parties. You asked a question and she answered it period. If there was a change in her attachment level to you from the time of that convo to the time of her little melt down, then she should have communicated her feelings towards you. She didn't so she has to deal. | |
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| Never said we were Dating exclusively
Posted: 3/3/2008 10:49:43 AM | | u didnt do anyhting wrong. maybe she just needs to decide what it is she wants and tell u the truth. do not feel bad becuaes she said u and her were only firends. its her who is in the wrong....not u | |
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| Never said we were Dating exclusively
Posted: 3/3/2008 11:07:05 AM | welcome to the world of schizophrenia. if you were raised in california you would have dealt with so much of it that it could break you.
i never udnerstood how anyone could date more than one person at a time (unless was lucky to have two bisexual women and both were comfy with it, lol). | |
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| Never said we were Dating exclusively
Posted: 3/3/2008 9:10:18 PM | | See...this is why real verbal COMMUNICATION is soooo key to relationships!! OK, well this is a tough one...but first how long ago was that last communication ? If you, or she, both of you are guilty, saw the relationship was getting more intense and close then both of you had a responsibility to "check in" again and see "where do we stand" again. In a way she is wrong, because she should have communicated that she had since changed her mind about being exclusive and not assumed...even though sometimes it does seem obvious. And on the other hand, you, noticing that the relationship was getting more serious could have taken the initiative again, like I said earlier, and checked again where you two stand. Everytime the relationship seems to go a step higher, and there hasn't been an exclusiveness already established, the couple needs to verbally communicate further each time. So in essense you're both wrong. If you want to be exclusive with her, as it seems she wanted that with you, and it's meant to be, then just explain to her, just as you did here, and express how much she means to you and how much you really only want to be with just her (but if you were seeing other girls then maybe you dont know if you want just her or not...at this point of over 3 years you should probably know this by now)...and if she wants to be understanding of the situation and give it a shot again then go for it. Good luck! | |
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| Never said we were Dating exclusively
Posted: 3/4/2008 3:24:44 PM | she basically told you were things stand with her when she flipped out over the txt msgs. firstly, they werent her biz and she was lookin for trouble when she went "looking in your messages". she was lookin to get something on you to start a fight about. a few months ago was right before christmas. so with that timeline,she was lookin to start an argument. not sure why exactly, but if i was you, i would drop her.
she cant be honest about what she wants from you, or the relationship. and if she panicked(sp) after your convo, she picked a really poor way to express her feelings. she is a nut case and you are just getting to see it now. | |
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| Never said we were Dating exclusively
Posted: 3/5/2008 1:17:20 AM | I don't think you did anything wrong if the conversation you said you had is true..
You see, females can be funny...you know, saying one thing, but feeling another way......
If she is attracted to you and spends a significant amount of time with you, it' almostinevitable that she will have feelings for you......
I guess the situation of "friends with benefits" worked out for awhile but no longer is.....Time to re-evaluate.....Obviously, she has feelings for you.....
My advice to you is to be with her exclusively or to remain friends with hera nd cut out the intimacy.......
I , mean, of course, you ARE a male, so If a female is going to let you have your cake AND eat it to, why wouldn't you? and that's what she's been allowing you to do.....
P.S. I do not believe in friends with benefits. It is setting yourself up for disaster in so many ways.....If you are going to have a physical encounter with the same person once in awhile, maybe it would work out....But spending lots of time with a female and being intimate with her, with no expectations fora relationship is a no no, guys!!!!!! Hello! We females tend to be emotional and after a significant amount of spending quality time on aregular basis, plus being intimate, WITH a man you are attracted to ....Um,,,,,,feelings are going to develop....Asa matter of fact, it's already as you are in a relationship.....Man, guys are so greedy! Never, ever satisfied with one girl, are you???????????? | |
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| Never said we were Dating exclusively
Posted: 3/5/2008 10:03:29 AM | I have never understood the FWB situation. Fine and dandy if two adults want to have sex every once in awhile.
I don't understand how one goes about getting a little sumfin sumfin in the midst of FWB trysts. Is one frank and honest with the new sex partner? "You know baby, there is this other woman who I have casual sex with, now baby let's bump uglies."
The whole scenario seems to reek of deception. New sexual partners are either deceived, or just left in ignorance of who the person has had sex with in the past couple of weeks. Frank questions to the FWB are answered with lies. Or worse yet, one is reluctant to share one's actual feelings that they have with their sex partner.
I just don't get it. | |
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| I would like advice on something please.....
Posted: 3/5/2008 10:12:09 AM | I have come to the conclusion that these people either want you to express your undying love for them and ask for a commitment or that it's ok for them to have other partners but heaven forbid you should.
Exactly - most (not all, mind you) people who try to make it clear that you should both see other people are doing it because:
1. They're talking to someone else
2. They don't really expect you to act on it.
If they say it's ok, then - it's ok. Too bad for them if they don't like it - I've gone thru this with men before, they say let's keep this casual, I say ok, I'm only too willing to do the same if that's the situation...and so I proceed to call men back who've called me or call men I've met in the meantime and start going out. Almost always the guy thinks I'm gonna pine for him. BIG wake up call.
OP, this woman likely did the same - she had something going on and didn't think you did (or would). Tough. Let her know she set the terms.
P.S. I agree with posters who've said you should be FURIOUS she went thru anything personal of yours - but if you made it really obvious, that's not a good thing either. | |
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| I would like advice on something please.....
Posted: 3/5/2008 10:24:04 AM | | exactly vampy! i agree that she was testing you to see if you really care about her. and you don't. she said date others and you jumped right to it. my question is was she dating other men too? probably not. i've done this to test someone before and he did not fail. he did not give up on me. then i knew i had his heart. yes women are confusing for men. but we want to know where we stand in your life. | |
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| Never said we were Dating exclusively
Posted: 3/5/2008 1:08:13 PM | | sounds like it was a FWB that was leading towards something more at one point till she saw those messages....then decided she wanted to stay as FWB till she met someone else then...spending a lot of time together doesn't mean much really...i was involved in something like this for a 2 year time period and there was all kind of confusion in it...so not that you did anything wrong just let things slide as they are now and see how everything works out but keep the emotional end outta it unless you both feel its something important to bring up... | |
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gotone
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Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 71 | |
| Never said we were Dating exclusively
Posted: 3/5/2008 1:23:10 PM | Nope, not at all. She's tested you big time. Really she left you hanging and wondering about the relationship. At least you were opened with her and being up front and honest. Oh well.......her problems.  | |
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| I would like advice on something please.....
Posted: 3/5/2008 1:34:33 PM | | Are you sure you're asking the right question? I've never found assigning blame to be productive. And in the whole scheme of things...how important is it to be right? Do you love this woman? Do you want to be exclusive? What do you want from this relationship? It seems those should be the questions you ask. | |
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| Never said we were Dating exclusively
Posted: 3/5/2008 1:51:03 PM | I'm not sure what such a long relationship is all about if it is not exclusive.
People in open relationships / multiple sex partners are responsible for the spread of disease and must be considered a danger to society and themselves. Why would you agree to this in the first place? | |
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