| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 11:28:13 AM | | Well. he has introduced me to his parents and invited me in their home for the Holidays if that is indication of anything. | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 11:28:43 AM | Of course, then there's me... damn near 31, never been in a serious relationship that lasted more than a month. On the other hand, I DON'T check out other women as they walk by, nor do I boast the infamous list of one-nighters...
SO as far as the first bit goes, I wouldn't say that's a red flag at all. Depends on WHY he hasn't been in a longterm relationship.. however, if he can't seem to keep his eyes off of every woman who makes an appearance, in person or on TV, that could possibly be the tip of the iceberg of other issues. I wonder if he's ever cheated? | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 11:29:48 AM | How about you never find the one that you're attracted too? What is considered a long lasting relationship anyway? 1 years, 3 years, 5 years?
How about having had parents that were sheltering someone too much? I am sure there are way more folks who havent had serious long lasting relationship then you may think.
What kind of non sense is that? Because someone never had the chance of finding love they are pedophiles? Give your head a good shake for that nonsense.
Helen i say go for it talk with him and have a "talk" with him....you will be fixed!
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 11:32:38 AM |
...Men are always going to be curious and look at other women;...
But the manner and style in which we of the species do espy with our little eyes is the key to whether or not we get a smack up side the head!!
A few years ago there was a commercial on the networks, a very good looking woman was approaching two other ladies, the camera angle panned up and down the approaching woman as she briskly walked past the two others, then a full face on teh two thers a big smile and the comment, "fat ankles".
Yes, all people look at other people, some more so than others, and I most definately am not excluded, but it is what and how you do it. Is it a side glance or rather a turn the head full speed and crash into the next person coming your way look? Relationships of anykind should be open and honest, let each person express their oulook on various things, allow the partner to be your onfidant and if things continue to bother you and no change is made then be abit more blunt and send on their way!
But I am an old man that looks more than he touches and feels, I have aspiring dreams of immortality and look forever young in my mind and heart, at first I red flagged teh guy, but yes take the time to discuss pros and cons.
Good luck. | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 11:35:25 AM | Have we been dating the SAME GUY???? This sounds extremely similar to an ex of mine!!!
You could try explaining that his behavior leaves you feeling " " (fill in the blank). Maybe it hasn't occurred to him that it might be an issue for you.
And
How about you do the same thing. Make a point of checking out the men as they walk by. When he comments on it to you (and he will) you can ask him how it makes him feel. Then explain that he does this to you.
Chances are he has absolutely no idea he is doing it. It is out of habit. Once it is brought to his attention he won't have an excuse. I don't think I would just "dump" him....at least not until it is brought to his attention and he is given the opportunity to change his behavior.
As soon as you bring it to this guys attention that this bothers you... you will immediately be deemed "insecure, needy, controlling, jealous, crazy, desperate" not to mention "unreasonable" because... hey... all guys look right???
This guy probably has no idea that what he is doing is disrespectful. He obviously sees women (you) as objects.
He will probably be confused if you even TRY to explain that this bothers you. I doubt he would truely understand... because he wouldn't be doing it in the first place.
He probably goes through a lot of "insecure" girlfriends!!! Ha!!!
What did he have to say about his short term "ex's" where they all insecure and needy??? | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 11:53:49 AM |
you will immediately be deemed "insecure, needy, controlling, jealous, crazy, desperate" not to mention "unreasonable" because... hey... all guys look right???
Eeek! Give the guy a break - he isn't here to defend himself... Yes men do look. But if he's never been in a long term relationship maybe he needs to learn that she might be sensitive to it. He could try being less obvious but he won't know til she tells him.
If he does call her needy, etc. then yes it's time to re-think the relationship but she should be fair and at least give him a chance to change the behavior. | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 11:59:33 AM | I have a wandering eye for pretty things, like babies or diamonds. I can’t look away, does that mean I want babies and diamonds; NO…I’m just curious.
And what if my boyfriend took offense to me looking at babies or diamonds? And he assumed that I wanted babies and diamonds?
You can’t control what other people look at nor can you make assumptions about it. | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 11:59:46 AM | | Holy Crap Cndngirl! You hit the nail on the head....that is exactly what I was thinking. | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 12:22:40 PM | There is looking, and there is LOOKING...
Does he glance or does he proceed to undress with his eyes? You can't shut off 2 million plus years of biological imperative, nor should you be expected to. But if he is with you and has to have his attention constantly dragged back to you because he is completely distracted by other women, that is another thing...if he is looking at and obviously looking up after and fantasizing about them, well I would ditch him...
He should be saving the long, smoldering looks for the person he is with, as well as the majority of his attention.
But glances, well yes that is just an indication of a working pulse. | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 12:32:41 PM | | I responded before not knowing that this has been a relationship of over a year. Why are you now just thinking about saying something? Did this not bother you for the last year? Or is this a newly developed habit? | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 12:34:01 PM | IMHO
I do not think this gentleman has any idea how to treat a woman if he is doing all this while in your company. Why would you be with someone if you don't feel comfortable, which is sort of obvious you aren't or you wouldn't be here right now? Doesn't appear that he has the code of honor which few guys know about or have. If he is supposed to be true to you, then you should feel absolutely at ease with him. Did he brag about all these one-nighters he's had or how did you find that out? | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 12:39:50 PM | Heather,
You know I find it so exasperating that women will ask thousands of people for their opinion, which will obviously influence decision making, before they actually have the facts from the person who really matters.
So you know he is 32, has had many insignificant relationships (one night stands and short term) but have you asked HIM why? Wouldn't you want to know?
Now, you say you have been seeing him for a year, and you still do not have an intimate relationship. By intimate, I mean one where you know more about each other, such as why do you feel the need to constantly look at other women, do you know it bothers me, if you know it does, why do you think you are justified to keep doing it?
More importantly, what about what YOU WANT and CONSIDER IMPORTANT? Does his roving eye really bother you and why? Is that the reason you are doubting him or is just a symptom of something else much bigger?
The reason for my last comment is that after a year, if you do not know who he is and what he wants out of this relationship, it leaves you vulnerable. More so, what do you want and is he a possible match for you or are you using him to fill a void, hoping that your wish for happily ever after does take place?
As you can see, many women here would not be bother by him looking -- I wouldn't either. The only times it has bothered me is when my relationship is on shaky ground, and I already know he is not worth my time and affection. Then the constant reminder that he is not what I want is what really bothers me.
Would luck! I think you are at a point in your relationship/life where the opportunity to grow is present. So grow ! | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 12:44:19 PM | I dunno.....you're HERE, and "JUST LOOKING"
WHAT does THAT tell him?! | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 12:46:47 PM | Good post dtekog.
This is a long distance relationship, we travel back and forth to spend time together, so in reality, we are getting know each other (in person) at a slower pace. | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 12:52:26 PM | | Actually, Sassy, I'm only reading the boards. | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 12:52:32 PM | "Also...he seems to like checking out women in front of you......wherever you walk with him....if an attractive woman comes to view, he will look, for sure"...
its human nature 2 wanna 'check out' others.. EVERYONE does it.. and as 4 him asking if i think the other woman is 'hot', 'pretty', 'cute'.. if she was.. i would say 'yes she is'..
as far as him never being in a long term relationship.. it isn`t unusual.. maybe he just hasn`t found 'the 1' for him yet..
and as far as u not 'feeling hot enuff 4 him'.. maybe ya gotta work on ur self confidence & security issues.. try holding ur head up alil higher & start believing in urself.. | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 12:55:14 PM | Looking4Love...it's what I do, When he asks, I agree if i think the girl is beautiful. I don't freak out on him or anything.
Just that I wonder why he has the need to ask me or point it out. | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 1:01:17 PM | OP definately tactless of him to do that! The whole thing! I mean ofcourse we are humans and we will look but I believe there probably is a time and place and on the couch all snuggly and all is not one of them.
I personally wouldnt worry so much about the no long term relationship at the age of 32. I mean the twentys can be very busy years with getting your shyte together and mabye there just wasnt the time or the inclinition due to the lack of finding that special someone.
Just remember though that you should feel beautiful in the eyes of your boyfriend and if he isnt making you feel like that now how are you going to feel if this continues on.
Be true to yourself and go with your gut instinct it is usually right.
Good luck
Sara | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 1:18:02 PM | Much of what you post only you can answer as it relates to yourself and how you deal with issues.
In response to your question "Is this normal?" I would probably say as many others have as well that it is to a greater or lesser degree. Each of us will "check out" other people, as it is human nature to see how we compare, or in other cases merely just because the other person is walking down the street toward us and we want to see if we recognize them.
Having said all that, this statement which was at the very end of the original post, I found to be quite illuminating...
<div class='quote'> I'm starting to feel as if I am not hot enough for this guy. </quote>
Don't take my analysis wrong as I am only speculating about the issue. However it prompts me to ask if the post was made because of jealousy or a lack of self-confidence. Alternatively it may be due to the fact you are having doubts about the guy and you can not articulate what they are yet, or you are unwilling to acknowledge what they are even if it is in your own mind. By extension you are then using this discernable trait he has, and which also appears to be somewhat to quite common with both sexes, as a facade for the underlying weaknesses within the relationship. | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 1:19:29 PM | whats with all this red flag talk?the only true red flags you mentioned are the fact he has a wandering eye. b it male or female when u are on a date or even just out for a casual cup of coffee , the person you are with owes u a modicum of respect and that includes giving u the attention u desire as im sure the other person would desire as well seeing as they are out with YOU not whatever is wandering by.
there is a difference between looking and ogling, test yourself in the same situation and see how u look at the good lookin guy walking by u when u are with the guy do you ogle or merely glance
if you feel glancing is ok then it is ok for him to glance as well
in the end treat others the way u want to b treated and expect the same from the people u would term as friends ,otherwise u will b a moron and a patsy and a piece of ass while the other person is still on the prowl | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 1:20:15 PM | Holy Shite Senadin.. You certainly are one angry youngish man lately.
Not once did I accuse anyone of being a pedophile.. I said a sex addict and there is a HUGE difference between the two.. Just your references..
As for me, I stand by that comment. At 32 you would have had some kind of serious relationsip.. note, I didn't say marriage, common law or whatever. I mean serious where you see the same person for more than a few weeks. Shells, you mentioned engaged.. In my world, that's serious!!!
TCPL, but you are not serial dating or doing one night stands either. You're looking for the right one.. and that's completely differently than occupying your life with one night stands... self confessed even.
Seriously, there are people in their 30's who have never dated anyone person for more than a few weeks or considered themselves in a relationship???? I find that hard to believe and hard to believe that these people also are "lookers" of the opposite sex. Serious is just a state of mind, ya know.
If he has had years of one night stands, doesn't that say anything to you? It really means he hasn't found the "one". Yikes, I am certainly old fashioned or out of touch with reality cause that would worry me!!! | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 1:41:31 PM | Just that I wonder why he has the need to ask me or point it out.
Sounds like narcissism to me.
I was going to say, maybe he's just...thick...doesn't even realize it. But he obviously does.
I don't know what to advise. You've been together over a year, you're probably well-connected and happy enough together that this can be over-looked. The fact he's never had a long-term relationship before? That's nothing to make a judgement about. Perhaps he's just never met the right one.
So it's not like things are in serious jeopardy, but you have to listen to this little "niggling". It's there for a reason.
Did he brag about all these one-nighters he's had or how did you find that out?
That's a red-flag right there. Not that he had them, but that he wants you to know about them. The past is the past....it should have no bearing on the here and now. But it's something that ties in with the narcissism I suspect, which is an ugly personality flaw that can eventually turn a person off, even if they have the best traits otherwise. | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 2:15:17 PM | Mehh sorry, i missread you,
That being said i still dont see what is wrong with never having had a long term relationship and being 30+.
Tons of factors could influence this and that doesnt make it a valid point. | |
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| The Wandering Eye
Posted: 1/4/2007 2:21:46 PM | I have to agree with Senadin about there being being multiple reasons why one has not had a long term relationship before 30.
It is like saying... The Beatles were popular for one reason only: They were good singers.
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