| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 1/19/2008 12:04:04 PM | I know I've posted to this question in another forum, but I am one of those people most of you seem to hate ... if I am not interested, I do not reply, unless I can tell that the person has made a sincere attempt to contact "me" rather than a "shot in the dark" that looks like it's could have been sent to multiple people. If my profile and theirs don't match up, and it's a - Hi - I liked your profile and that's it, I don't bother responding. Not because it would take time, but my experience has shown me that a response of "no thank you" may bring on a hate-email, or worse, an email trying to convince me we would match up.
If someone does not respond to me, I move on. That's it - I don't try to analyze it, and I prefer it that way - in the theory of "if I take the time to send them an email they should respond" - where does it end? I send you a "no thank you" email, in that theory, you'd have to send another one back saying "thank you, I understand", and I'd have to send another .... sigh. Maybe men and women get different types of responses, but I've gotten emails from 25 year olds - I'm 54! Those emails are usually the ones that look like they've been sent to every woman on POF! lol. Not every email is a sincere attempt to meet that one specific person, it's a net being thrown to see who can get caught up in it!  | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 3/28/2008 12:06:26 AM | | I agree with guyheavensent. Sometimes if you respond....I was on here over a year ago....they keep bugging you even if you say no thanks. Its an internet dating site...if your feelings are going to get hurt because a few folks out of thousands dont answer back you should try something different. I would rather have no response than be insulted. I "Get" that you are not interested if I dont get a response. No big deal. I move on...have another coffee and enjoy my day! ;o) | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 3/28/2008 8:23:07 PM | Ya know what raggedy? There's a TON of females that take the same approach, and just delete things without so much as a "no thank you".
It's rude.
It's also the reason you get so many 2 line emails from guys. It's not that you didn't get their attention, it's not that you don't at least have something in common, it's simply that after the 100th time of spending 30-60mins composing an epic detailing why you think they're profile's cool and getting "read and deleted" you stop investing the time, and the emotional effort. It's just not worth it. It's soul crushing.
Instead you'll get a "ping"
if you reply, you'll get a "ping+plus a bit"
If you get a reply you'll get a "ping+plus a good deal more"
and then hey.. you got a conversation because YOU'VE demonstrated that you're willing to invest the same ammount of time and emotional effort as he is.
Don't blame the dog for being gun-shy when he's been smacked a lot. Blame you for smacking. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 3/30/2008 12:49:35 AM | | Personally, I always reply to an email which shows that someone actually took time and effort and read my profile. At the same time, I can understand why a guy would not want to take that kind of time only to have it deleted with or without being read and to receive no response. It's kind of a Catch-22, isn't it? | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 3/30/2008 1:01:49 AM | If someeone just deadzones someone who writes you without so much as a thank you for your message, then it makes you look stuck up or lacking in common courtesy
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 3/30/2008 7:56:36 AM | I am glad I finally saw this thread. One thing I didn't want to or have the time to look for it. Sure I would like a response to every email saying I am not interested. I don't need a reason. I would just like to hear that. On the other hand and this doesn't fit me, I can only imagine what kind of responses women get from a man who most likely only wants one thing. SEX!!!!!!. So I can see why they don't reply. Who wants to deal with a jerk you don't even know? I feel sorry for women, and I feel sorry for the "NICE" guys. I truly do believe that "nice guys" do finish last or at least close to it.
Myself I don't sweat it, if somebody doesn't reply to an email. But if I IM a woman, it just isn't hard to take the time to say no thanks. But like somebody else posted I guess it is how you were brought up. I got an email and IM from a lady about 30-40 miles away from me, where there is no way I would date permanately, but had a great time chatting with her. I may drive up and do dinner or coffee from time to time (as long as we are both single that is). But I am up front with women. I am not wanting a relationship at this time. But nor am I a guy who is looking "for one thing".
So all in all I guess I would want a response saying she is not interested. There is no reason for a cold response. None at all. I don't care if she is the downright most unattractive woman I have ever seen, I would just politely say I am not interested. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 3/30/2008 1:50:48 PM | Well Vax, it seems like it's an endless cycle, isn't it? Sigh. Now truly, if someone sends you an email that just says "I like your profile", and basically nothing else, would you really answer?
To me, that's a shot in the dark email, being sent to multiple people. If it's directed at me, wouldn't you point out some commonality?
I have to admit, I don't think I've ever gotten an introductory email that looked like it too long to compile. I've responded to many, but have deleted more than I've responded to. I've gotten emails that say "I'm everything you asked for on your profile" - that's it. Or, "I like your profile - hit me up". Nothing about them. Those I delete. Sorry if that feels like "smacking" (liked the analogy, by the way), but I have also been the recipient of hate mail with a "no thanks" email - and yes, I am polite in those "no thanks" emails. Life is too short.
So, I'm sorry, I will continue to "smack" those that don't make any effort and are using the shotgun approach. Although you consider the no response rude, I consider the no information, one liners a waste of time.
At least we can agree to disagree - I've seen your other posts, and mostly agree with you on other things, lol!  | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 6/8/2008 2:23:25 AM | I definately vote for the "cold reply" response. Let's have some respect for each other. Sure the truth my hurt, but ultimately being honest with people is the courteous and respectul thing to do. I mean hell, we are all adults here and should have the ability to handle the truth at this point in our lives. A simple, "sorry not interested" or "you're not my type" is short, sweet and to the point.
GO HAWKS!!!!... 2008 IS OUR YEAR!!!! | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 6/8/2008 7:22:50 AM | | I think I am going to go do the speed dating deal. Per this thread I just don't get how people can't come out and say they are not interested. It isn't that difficult and on the other side if somebody does come out and say they are not interested, the one recieving that message shouldn'g get pissed. We are all big boys and girls aren't we? I really wonder about that most of the time. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 6/8/2008 2:27:01 PM | | I find the messages that say "I like your profile" plus something we have in common included, I resond to faster than the ones that write long emails for the first contact.. In my experience, those are mostly cut and paste with no thought to really focusing on what we may have in common to start a friendship. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 6/10/2008 8:34:13 PM | I think that it is a really hard line to dance on. As far as I'm concerned, if the person who messages me is polite, I try to at least send them a "thanks but no thanks" message. I often feel bad not responding at all. Though the fact that the first contact is online allows one to save face after being rejected, I don't think that it's easy to take that first step and say "hi", especially if the person really is serious about finding someone to connect with.
However, I've found that sending a reply, even if it makes no mention of wanting to talk to the person again, often sends false hope to that person. It tends to lead to a few e-mails, usually ending in, "I'm sorry, but you're just not my type."
At the same time, I think that if you are mature enough to put your profile on a dating site, then you ought to be mature enough to handle rejection with grace. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 6/11/2008 10:38:15 PM | | OK, JUST APPLY IT TO REAL LIFE. IF I COMMENT ON HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE IN REAL LIFE, YOU PROBABLY SAY "THANK YOU." YOU DON'T IGNORE THE PERSON AND PRETEND HE NOT THERE. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:43:46 PM |
Well if I take the time to write to someone... I think they should as well! Even if it's a thanx but no thanx kinda deal!! Even when I do reply to someone that isn't my "type" or whatever the case may be
I totally agree, to me it's just common courtesy, afterall, how hard is it to send a quick thanks but no thanks note huh?
All joking aside, it takes 1 min to say sorry!!! So yah I prefer a "cold reply" to nuttin' too!!!
Amen, again, I totally agree here as well. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:56:39 AM | My gut reaction is "cold response".
However I have no idea what that would feel like since I've never gotten the cold shoulder--the vast majority of the first contact mails I send are responded to with silence. Maybe my profile is too odd. I know they can't smell my BO through the computer.
I respond to those who contact me--I feel guilty if I don't (mind you, I don't receive 50 mails a day). And geez I'd feel guilty and odd just flat out saying, "Thanks, but I'm not interested in you." Seems too hurtful (but maybe that's my perception problem). I find the e-mail conversation will wither away if one side isn't that interested. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:09:22 AM | I don't stress it. Dating is a big catch 22.
Women say men don't approach them and perhaps that's true because for men dating and finding the right woman is running through a gauntlet of fire and rejection. I'm not complaining though..those men willing to ante up and face the fire are generally the most successful.
At the same time most women who engage in whining about men typically get no sympathy. We can't save a woman from having a faulty "picker". The thing is nothing really changes in online dating.
Men offer and women either accept or reject.
I have no problem getting ignored. I don't want anyone that doesn't want me. Book your own life, I'll book mine. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/2/2008 6:43:55 PM | This is a great thread, and I'm bumping it up for that reason.
I've had plenty of "Read/Deleted" messages. Doesn't really bother me much, but sometimes you would like a reply.
I understand that for a lot of guys, it feels like the woman just looked at your picture, said "not my type" and deleted your message. To be honest, that can destroy self esteem (good thing this is a website)
I wonder how many women would feel if they got minimal messages a month, and every message they sent out was "read/deleted". I know that would do wonders for their self esteem... | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/2/2008 7:23:04 PM | "To be honest, that can destroy self esteem "
I disagree with that part. I chalk it up as her loss not mine. Clearly she isn't worth the time of day. | |
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| Cold Response vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/2/2008 11:31:53 PM | | I don't really have to make that choice very often; hardly anyone has responded to my ad. 'curls' was kind enough to e-mail me to tell me that I had misspelled my name. I sent her a nice reply. 'curls' is cool. Someone else e-mailed me that I had several "mispellings" in my ad. When I pointed out that her ad contained several misspellings, she got all pissy with me. | |
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| Cold Response vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/3/2008 1:22:31 AM | Ya think? ;)
It's alwaysed amazed me when folks can't stand to be subject to the same standards they set for other people. I'm not sure, but I think that's call hipocracy. ;) | |
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| Cold Response vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/3/2008 5:34:04 AM | LOL Serebral, it's the teacher in me. I'm glad you weren't offended...and I'd be horrified if you looked through my forum postings. I'm sure they are full of typos and misspellings.
The reason I always answer an email is I know from talking to men they are pretty nervous about writing to someone for the first time. Why not take 30 seconds out of your day to reply? | |
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gvnage
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Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 147 | |
| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:28:31 PM | | yep, I agree, honesty is best policy. I made a couple good friends from a dating site . They were great guys! I just wasnt attracted to them physically, or the beer they drank, and I had the fortitude to tell them all of that. That was like 10 yrs ago, and we are still friends to this day. So, I think guys and gals usually appreciate honesty-well, healthy mature ones anyways | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:52:47 AM | This is been in so many different threads lately!!! I have to go with the op.
The cut and paste emails show absolutely no interest, kind of like bulk mail, toss it in the trash. I will take time to respond to someone who has shown a little effort but am quick to ask questions to find out if he even bothered reading my profile. Of course w/o a public picture that helps filter out alot of that.
And like the op, I have responded with kind "Sorry, I appreciate the message but .." replies and have been slammed with nasty messages. Just like guys don't like the read/delete response - believe me I'd rather get that then the nasty comments I have gotten. I am sorry for those who don't do that and have to pay for their fellows bad manners.
If you have a vacuum sales convention in your neighborhood and have tons of door to doors coming through, after awhile you just stop answering the door - your not interested and some get so rude and pushy even angry that your just tired. Some maybe very nice, but you just aren't interested in buying a vacuum cleaner. You want a carpet shampooer. (Odd analogy yes, but hopefully the point comes through). You start to look out the window, see the vacuum on the porch and just decide to ignore it. Nothing personal at all. Don't want to waste the guys time, don't want to get slammed with rude/pushiness anymore and just not interested in that vacuum. Now if I look out the window and he's holding a carpet shampooer - well then let's talk!!! | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/4/2008 11:42:51 AM | I've done some custom emails expertly tailored to their profile and still got nothing
and these are from women who have at least had the curiosity to click on my profile.
It may or may not destroy esteem but one thing it certainly destroys is the efficacy of the
social community here. When guys/gals get to the point where they are so gunshy to send
messages they don't it defeats the purpose of a dating site.
In my estimation there's maybe 15% of the population that truly stand behind their word.
There is simply no excuse in the world for failing to respond to a message that was obviously
written after reading your profile. We are all safe in our homes and have the appropriate level
of anonymity. Getting a little nastygram back is infortunate but it poses little risk as you have a
block button.
O | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/4/2008 11:50:12 AM | In my estimation there's maybe 15% of the population that truly stand behind their word. There is simply no excuse in the world for failing to respond to a message that was obviously written after reading your profile. We are all safe in our homes and have the appropriate level of anonymity. Getting a little nastygram back is infortunate but it poses little risk as you have a block button.
^^^^^ Good point Obsidian, I have a question though - How many nastygrams do you get?
And the key point in many cases are "obviously written after reading your profile". I would like to say that if I know someone has taken the time to read my profile I have always replied one way or another but I haven't.
I will usually read their profile first - if there is alot of reference to "liking sex" then I pretty much just delete, if it stated "looking for intimate encounters" or anything else that my profile states clearly I am not interested then I will just delete. I have no interest in responding to a married man that (so it appeared) read my profile, supposedly saw the Must not be married part and ignored it. I know I am not the only one who reacts this way.
Obsidian, I do not know why a lady wouldn't respond to your emails. If you indeed read their profile and take time to write a nice email - well sorry sweetheart, some women have no intelligence. Be thankful though, free's up your time for that right lady! | |
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