| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/27/2008 8:33:16 PM | Too bad more aren't like you, Michael
I've emailed guys just to say their pet is cute or something equally innocuous, and get back nothing
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/28/2008 1:17:17 AM | Thanks to both of you, ladies. Guess I was just raised right. Your appreciation and accolades are quite welcome. Feel free to chat me up anytime.  | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/28/2008 1:35:28 AM | | There are very few messages I don't reply to. That being said, I've come to expect the "read/deleted" from women if for whatever unknown reason, I'm not 100% what they think they may want at the time. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/28/2008 3:02:36 AM | "There are very few messages I don't reply to. That being said, I've come to expect the "read/deleted" from women if for whatever unknown reason, I'm not 100% what they think they may want at the time."
There is no such thing as being 100% what someone else wants. Even couples who have been married for decades and still quite in love with each other can find things they dislike or are dissatisfied about their other halves. They're just mature enough to realize, too, that there is no perfection to be found on this Earth. They haven't "settled," they merely have come to terms that they cannot expect what they cannot give. And thus, they're able to find perfect and true happiness with a less-than-perfect mate.
A more likely explanation to expect the "read/deleted" response is to realize that the internet has allowed an entirely new subculture to rise unopposed within our midst. This phenomenon allows us to do things that all but the most incredibly narcissistic or sociopathic would never dream of doing in the real world.
For example, when you're in a supermarket, and you happen to pass within a certain range of another person, and your eyes happen to meet by chance? What happens? One of you nods, or utters a greeting, or a request for pardon, even if only out of habit. And commonly, the gesture is acknowledged in some form or another, and the both of you continue on your respective ways.
On the internet, however, because we often have something of a sense of immunity, invincibility, delusions of grandeur, or anonymity when hiding behind a screen, many behave without the influence of basic human etiquette more prevalent in real-world culture.
This often results in a set of mannerisms that even the perpetrators would find intolerable were such treatment visited upon them in everyday life, such as the read/delete response, overly rude responses, or even the "act like I didn't see it" response commonly associated with merely reading a message, then ignoring it until it goes away, which I suspect many of us might have learned to do when we were very young and had a pet which left something undesirable on the living-room floor.... The differences here, of course, is that 1) we don't have an irritated parent telling us to be responsible and take care of the mess, and 2) that mess just happens to be an actual human being, not a pile of refuse left behind as the result of digestion. The treatment, however, essentially amounts to the same amount of respect.
It's sad, really. Sure, there are douchebags out there who are hiding their true intentions and are only out for what they think they can get away with, and I'm sure that's part of the problem. It's left many of us jaded toward future possibilities. It still is no excuse for what amounts to treating other people poorly... and many of the people who do will eventually find themselves alone and bitter, wondering why nobody bothers to try anymore.
Regards,
Michael | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/28/2008 6:26:51 AM | | Michael, you have a lovely way of expressing what many of us feel. I know for a fact that so many men and women on here have come to accept that their overtures will be ignored. I have to remind myself that such people aren't worth my second guessing or concern. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/28/2008 10:06:10 AM | Interesting takes on this question that's been asked before.
I always respond first off so let me be clear about how I personally handle this.
Nugget said who wants to be treated like "junk mail". That was a good analogy because junk mail is mail you receive that you didn't ask for. So when you write someone out of the blue, they didn't ask for it ergo whatever action they take is the right one. I dont' think it's being rude any more then not telling Dominos you buy your Pizza at Pizza time when they send you a coupon.
Sure it would be nice to know why we get rejected, but even THAT is a person's right to tell you or not in my opinion. What a lot of guys don't realize is, really hot looking women get sometimes between one and two hundred emails a day from guys falling all over their pictures. Okay, maybe not from just this site, but add CL and E Harmony or Match.com. You really think they owe each and every interested man a response?
They respond to who peaks their interest. That's how it is | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/28/2008 10:15:11 AM | That's nice...respond to who piques your interest but don't oversell yourself as someone who loves to communicate when in fact you are prone to ignoring people.
Michael has summed things up nicely. The Internet allows people to act in boorish ways that would be unacceptable in daily communication. If you get hundreds of emails a day it would likely be appropriate that you hide your profile and work on the existing legions of men you want to date rather than keep your net out there.
If men have to endure the incessant misandry (where are all the good guys, men are jerks etc) then we certainly have not only a right but a duty to point out the paradoxes what we see on a daily basis.
O | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/28/2008 12:59:15 PM | Well, the way I see it....
"That was a good analogy because junk mail is mail you receive that you didn't ask for. So when you write someone out of the blue, they didn't ask for it ergo whatever action they take is the right one."
The problem with this statement is this: You're not writing them out of the blue. When people sign up and place themselves on dating/romance sites like this, it's basically putting themselves on the mailing list. You're essentially putting yourself up for inspection and attention. To use the analogy of the website: why bait the hook if you're not looking to catch a few fish? Even the ones that aren't keepers have to be handled and physically removed from the hook.
"Sure it would be nice to know why we get rejected, but even THAT is a person's right to tell you or not in my opinion. What a lot of guys don't realize is, really hot looking women get sometimes between one and two hundred emails a day from guys falling all over their pictures."
You're correct in saying this. Yes, it is nice to have reasons for rejection, and yes, they have the right to disclose or not. We, likewise, have the right to believe they may be just a bit rude for not doing so. This particular thread is based upon opinion, after all. Also, really hot-looking women aren't the only thing we're all after here. They're nice to look at, sure, but the purpose of this site was the hopeful introduction of all types to each other. I suspect the site might be called "omghawtchiksneedonlyapplydotcom" otherwise.
"You really think they owe each and every interested man a response?
They respond to who peaks their interest. That's how it is."
If they place themselves on the available list, it would generally be considered polite to respond, even if it's to take two whole seconds to say "Sorry. You're not what I'm looking for." It shows culture and a mind/personality that remembers that they, in fact, are not God's gift to men/women... I find such things highly ironic when I find them searching for connections on a social site like this. One would think they'd already learned they're exactly not the very thing they believe themselves to be.
I can understand, as well, responding positively only to those who pique my interest, but having the common courtesy to at least tell someone they're not what I'm searching for shows refinement and a sense of basic human kindness, while simply ignoring people would tell them I wasn't worth the initial effort anyway.
I hope you've found my viewpoint enlightening, Jimmy. Glad to see your input in this conversation. To everyone else who has supported my thoughts, thanks so much again, all of you! It's awesome to know I'm not alone in my way of seeing the world for what it is vs. what it could or should be. You're all more than welcome to hit me up for a beer or something equally to your taste if ever you're in town... my treat.
Regards,
Michael | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/29/2008 8:29:21 AM | If they place themselves on the available list, it would generally be considered polite to respond, even if it's to take two whole seconds to say "Sorry. You're not what I'm looking for." It shows culture and a mind/personality that remembers that they, in fact, are not God's gift to men/women... I find such things highly ironic when I find them searching for connections on a social site like this. One would think they'd already learned they're exactly not the very thing they believe themselves to be. I find that this statement can be turned on its head. Understanding that their time is precious and not holding the lack of response against them shows culture and a mind/personality that remembers that one is not entitled to all the attention that one desires.
It's a simple rule: If it is a small thing for them to do, then it is not a big thing if they don't do it. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/29/2008 8:52:49 AM |
It's a simple rule: If it is a small thing for them to do, then it is not a big thing if they don't do it.
And somewhat of a broken rule. A kiss is a small sign of affection but ask someone who is NOT getting them consistently from loved ones how important it is to them. Actions, regardless of whether they take little effort or not, can carry significant weight to them.
O | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/29/2008 9:46:25 AM | | Thanks for sharing your vies, Michael. I never looked at it that way before, and I will try to be more polite to folks who write to me in the future. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/29/2008 9:58:54 AM | this has been an interesting thread to read..
my intentions are to pass on a compliment or comment when i message someone.. because i have taken the time to read their profile and something has sparked my interest. that said i have never sent a message saying i think we would be great together want to go out sometime? that is setting myself up for rejection and nobody likes rejection.
yet i can see that they have either unread/deleted.. which i think is so rude considering as i said i am passing on a compliment or comment. or read/deleted, again a simple thanks would suffice. and then there is the read's that just sit there; well what's that about?? lol
i would be lucky to say if 5% actually take the time to respond.. and the majority of those individuals end up saying.. thanks but i'm seeing someone now.. LOL.. guess what i didn't ask you out!! and if you are seeing someone, what the heck are you still doing on here? lol i know some people stay on for the threads but i don't usually participate in those. but this one caught my eye!
so there's my two cents worth! cheers, steph :0) | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/29/2008 8:30:10 PM |
And somewhat of a broken rule. A kiss is a small sign of affection but ask someone who is NOT getting them consistently from loved ones how important it is to them. Actions, regardless of whether they take little effort or not, can carry significant weight to them.
Shoot. Heh, looks like Obsidian's stealing my thunder now... only kidding, man! Thanks for saying it better than I could there. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/29/2008 11:57:02 PM | Church is not an M's game, your office is not a concert, the park isn't your mom's house, and the internet is not real life. Like it or not, there are different codes of conduct for different settings. While it would be nice if warm & fuzzy courtesy was a common thread throughout all human interaction, the fact remains that it's not.
Comparing internet behavior to real life behavior is illogical. I've seen behavior on this site and others from creepy and delusional men that's an arrestable offense in real life. On the flip side, the vast majority of all initial contacts deserve at least a brief response especially if it's a simple comment on something in my profile.
Then there are a very small percentage of emails that for different reasons are hard to respond to. It's an obvious defense mechanism for the rejected to bash those who don't respond while putting yourself on a pedestal above them. They weren't raised right, they're not worth anyone's time, etc., etc. It's a turn off to see so many people in the forums blaming others for their lack of success and this is but one of many threads that illustrates it.
Internet dating is not for the faint of heart, that's for sure. Those with self esteem & anger issues, extreme gullibility and poor social skills won't do any better online than they do in real life. There's a sense of entitlement that internet dating is for everyone, but in reality it's not. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/30/2008 6:57:27 PM | | Hmmm, good responses from most since I last read this, and the thing is even though people have different opinions most have at least one valid point. I think the one's I'll maybe be frustrated or whatever is the ones who say "I respond to every email". Well if they don't then they're liars and who wants to deal with that anyways right? | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/31/2008 7:12:41 PM | Hey Curls, I have a friend on here to that I have problems getting IM's from each other, so now we just call and talk. That's much better.  | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 7/31/2008 9:09:33 PM | I enjoyed everyone's opinon on this thread and have gone back and forth on this issue. I have done internet dating for several years and while I agree it can hurt to write a nice, considerate Email to a person wanting to know you and then they simply click the delete button, its something you get used to. I mean come on, I am happy we at least can check the status of our mail and also know what the user thought of it, instead of Craigslist who dont even screen user profiles for ads disguised as people looking for dates.
I got thick skin from all the rejects, 5 years of rejections when responding and only a few replies when I posted my ad. But really in the end, it just wasnt meant to be and really its a favor for you in the end they didnt respond. Sometimes I even get a thrill out of replying, never minding the response. But still I remain most serious about finding the person who I think I can click with the best, which gives me the best chance for responses. Trust me, you get over this whole issue regardless of what common courtesies are alive on the internet. If people want a coutesy response to be mandatory, then vouch for it to the admin, Yahoo has such a device where all users can mandatory choose a courtesy response. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 8/1/2008 5:48:54 PM | | mandatory courtesy? hmmm kinda takes the courtesy out of it doesn't it? I'd rather just meet people decent enough to respond to a message it probably took me 15 minutes to write and courage to click send. Guys aren't the only ones afraid of rejection. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 8/21/2008 9:33:01 AM | i agree with what alot of people here have experienced, and also with those that say that our world/society is changing and manners/socials mores/basic common courtesy just seems to be more of the exception rather than the rule
i do have to say however, that i have experienced recently two gentlemen that have not done either a "cold response" OR a "read/delete," but have replied to an initial contact from me with very gracious emails thanking me for my time and interest, but we would not be a good match. one in fact, even said something like, "i'm not the right guy for you" which in my mind was even a bit kinder than saying "thanks but no thanks".......i appreciated that these gentlemen not only replied, but did so eloquently, and thanked them
however, i have certainly had my share of read/deletes
actually grateful to have found this thread and now know its "not just me :-)"
thanks!
donna
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| It's not YOU, it's ME
Posted: 8/26/2008 3:28:27 PM | really......
Sometimes I read an email and take time to think about a reply...or I'm just logging on and off and don't have time to formulate a response....
and then there are the ones that don't seem to require a response - just saying hey nice smile or whatever......
and okay....sometimes I mean to reply but forget - oops, sorry | |
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| It's not YOU, it's ME
Posted: 9/2/2008 7:49:57 PM | | LOL I just got my first Unread/Deleted, I take it I didnt meet the age requirement (and there are two ranges on her page) or I am simply not that attractive to her, and yet I see she looked at my profile before she even read the letter. oh well her loss, I put my best foot forward and reflected on her profile and her hobbies and likes. Best you can do and if you get no luck, not even a thanks but no thanks, well it does tell you alot about them. | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 9/4/2008 8:18:45 AM | I agree. Girls go to read the message then delete it and you're like "wtf?" If you don't like me, if you think something's wrong with me, have the guts to reply to me and tell me what the hell your problem is. Is that asking so much? Honesty and being completely blunt is appreciated more often than not. It doesn't take that much effort to reply and say, "Hey, I'm looking for something that you're not or something like that." These people that are so lazy and can't reply and just go ahead and delete their e-mails without responding are completely disgraceful. If they had an ounce of decency they would. It's not so hard. In fact, to just delete a message after reading it is utter bull shit and a slap in the face! I'm not junk mail. I'm a human being, dammit and I don't deserve to be tried like anything less!
End rant | |
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| Cold Responce vs. Read/Deleted
Posted: 9/5/2008 2:31:39 AM | | either would be fine with me. if they aren't interested, they just aren't. I'd get the message either way. | |
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