| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/11/2007 10:49:27 AM |
I dont have all the things the ex to be needs except the custody of kids
On reflection of my previous post, this is the one issue that needs the intervention of a court for clarification. In a separation scenario, the children can *on occasion* be used as a bargaining tool & obviously this can put a great strain not only on the ex-partners but any other relationship that may be trying to blossom at the same time... | |
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diz73
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Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 277 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/11/2007 4:43:40 PM | | i know there are lots of replies already, but i guess from my point of view it would depend on the situation and why the divorce hadnt happened yet, how long the separation had been for, etc. the reason i say this is i moved in with someone a month before my divorce was final, but i was involved with him for 9 months prior to that... i had been separated for over two years when i met him and just hadnt had the money for a divorce, plus i was waiting for the one year to pass because that was the reason i was using for my divorce petition. there was no way in heck i was going back to my ex husband, it was just a simple formality of paperwork being signed by a court to officially end things. i had been separated for almost 3 years by the time i had the money in order and got the papers sent in. i felt no differently the day the papers came back stamped and signed than i did before. that was well back in my past. so i guess each situation would have to be looked at separately in my opinion. as far as i personally was concerned, the marriage was over the day i walked out of his house and i didnt feel the need for a piece of paper from complete strangers to tell me so lol. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/11/2007 5:36:40 PM | Touchy subject. Personally, I have been separated for over 4.5 years. I'll not go into all the details here, but I would like to offer my thoughts to the 12 pages already here as much to go on record as offer insight.
From the legal side of it: Depending on where you live has a lot to do with what the legal definition of what separation is. Some states do not allow legal separation, so it is impossible to claim to be separated if you live there. My state (Maryland) was founded by Jesuits (Catholic). Since it was (and still is) their believe that divorce is wrong (a topic for another post perhaps), the separation laws are very strong here. In fact if you have children, you have to wait at least a year to get divorced (as has been mentioned in previous posts). Separation is defined as no cohabitation or sharing of cardinal knowledge. So to claim to be separated, you need to adhere to the law. If you get a separation agreement that is signed and notarized (as I did), all the marital assets are divided with the boiler plate legalese stating “………..live as if each were single”. The only stipulation is the ability to remarry (not something in the front of my mind currently). There is no chance of committing adultery (legally, I know some differ on the morality).
I respect anyone who has a moral issue with my status. At the same time I have no problem posting a profile on here or looking in the mirror daily. If I had any thought of reconciliation then it would be fraudulent of me to be here. So if you want to lump me in with married men sharing a bed every night or accuse me of being the devil incarnate, spare me your response. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/11/2007 5:42:58 PM | | normally i would have said yes to this question but after having dated a guy from this site that had separated on his profile and he still doesn't have the settlement of house and effects sorted or the custody of the children sorted i definately have reconsidered my thoughts on dating someone that is recently separated and i would have to now say no, unless the other bits and pieces from his past were already sorted out and he knew where he was heading. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/12/2007 10:43:50 AM | PackageDealX3 has her head on straight and I couldn't agree with her more. I myself have never dated someone who was "separated" and won't for the same reason as you but also experience from my own divorce has told me that there has to be time to heal emotionally and do some reflective thinking so that one can pack away that baggage, chalk it up to experience and move on without draging everything into a new relationship.
If you want to take a chance and date someone that is "separated", just be prepared to be "second" in line. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/12/2007 2:59:07 PM | ok ladies!!!!
lets reverse.......I am separated --legally paid 1100.00 for this ---for financial reasons
and for protection........did not file for divorce because I had no intentions of
getting re-married...so why pay the xtra money.........but I would never go back to
him.......even if he were the last man on earth........but for someone not to take the time
to get to know me......because of this.....I find very unjust.......what can a single
person give you that a separated person can"T........ok yeah!!!!!!MARRIAGE.......
well when someone proposes..........and I accept....will only take a year for the papers
to come thru...........but in the mean time you find out if he is the one or not
you can still be in a comitted relationship with someone that is SEPARATED!!!!!!!!!!
so if you like the guy........and he is emotionally FREE.....THEN DO NOT LET IT PASS
as you might regret it later and ask yourself what if.................................
so a guy is single........but it still does not work out......what s the difference........ | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/12/2007 3:15:51 PM | I honestly do not understand why people are judging--separated-----like
smokers--------
people are people------and we do what s best for everyone------honesty up front
about everything-----and whatever the future brings......
if someone is temporarily separated ......then they should not be out there looking
but if you have moved out.....finances settled......custody settled.......
then it s DONE................................................................
but then everyone is different.....and situations are different.....we cannot put
everyone in the same category...............................it s just not right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/12/2007 3:18:57 PM | you go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
just found it hard to actual hear it from someone as a reason not to take our relationship..............................further............................. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/12/2007 3:33:44 PM | | Not to expect a longterm relationship, no. To chat, friendship, laugh, have fun, maybe. But I had been separated in 1996 before I was finally divorced in 2000. We reconciled against all odds after the first time. We even had paperwork. So it's about expectations. I figure someone is still basically tied to another person if they aren't actually divorced. If there are money or other issues holding it up, then it's too early to think it's considerable as longterm. To me, if you can't make decisions, face painful losses and change, you aren't really available. But I don't condemn people who date in separation. Some marriages aren't even monogamous, so who am I to judge? I just know that if you ARE monogomous in a relationship, separated is like the 'elephant in the room'. You can deny it, but you have unfinished business. I am worth being the main interest. I don't think people who are in separation should be pariahs, but the soul-searching is part of change. Trying to fill a void with new people is temporary--just be clear about that. Clean your slate. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/12/2007 3:43:33 PM | I would date someone who was separated if we could honestly exchange reasons for being that way. I may have to stay separated for 3 more years...until I finish homeschooling my school. My Ex and I will never get back together but financially for both of us, it works better being separated... it could change though...he's in a rebound relationship and I think she wants to marry. I'm in the middle of two probates and a financial partnership with my brother. I have my own money and property but legally cannot use it yet. I still have to get my Ex to sign off on some property sales (that's actually all mine,) until the probate is finished. It's just because of the state laws. We've mentally been apart for years, haven't had sex in 5 years but physically separated last August...it would have been sooner but we had family in and out for 6 months before that and agreed to August.
I think you need to go on case by case. But it is true that people need time to heal...no rebound for me....just friends and nice dates. tuka | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/12/2007 4:03:34 PM | Yes I would, date that is... have fun, he needs a diversion. I wouldnt think that he is "the one " and only date him for atleast a year after he is divorced, It messes up peoples heads and it takes awhile for them to get off the rollarcoaster ride. But if you enjoy his company and you want to have dinner or see a movie... HELL YES, go! Check out my website xxxxxxxxx.. Read the part about defensive dating. Its all about your pleasure and if his company makes you happy, dont wait for the ink to dry. Besides remember the old quote, if you love something set it free, if it he doesnt come back, he's probably with someone else. Go HAVE
FUN!!!
Do not post personal information such as phone numbers, email addresses, and websites.
JACLM - Mod | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/12/2007 4:07:35 PM | | I was married and living together for 9 months,separated and filed for div.23 months and 9,000 dollars later done,this is why you have separated and not div people,our court and law system. By the way no kids, no reason I know of for the time and money. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/13/2007 12:06:23 AM | Yes, I would, depending on the person and the circumstances.
When my ex and I broke up, we remained pretty good friends (not with benefits!). After a couple of years he began dating one woman and it was fine with me since he and I were not going to reconcile, and we both knew it. I think that if our breakup had instead been ugly and unpleasant, we both would have tried harder to get the divorce finalized faster. We had property, kids, he owned a business, I had no health care apart from him, money was tight, we were both very busy with work and kids, so we just didn't get around to completing the divorce for 3 or 4 years. This is one example of a situation in which I think dating someone who is separated can be just fine. Eventually our divorce became final and they married. And he and I are still good friends. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/13/2007 5:57:00 AM | Perspectives from the newly separated.
You have to look a the facts surrounding the person. Much like there are single people you wouldn't consider dating for clearly objective reasons. The number one issue is the baggage. Over the recent weeks since my separation, I have met a number of divorced women that still carry more baggage /bittenress over their ex than seems humanly possible. The issues seem to be money and the fact the ex was able to move on with his life.
My wife was so disinterested in anything but our kids she even suggested at one point I get a girlfriend like some of her friends husbands. I started discarding my emotional baggage for my wife years ago when our marriage counselor told me she would never be into anyone but herself. Children complicated the walking away. I spent a year doing some serious soul searching before literally waking up on a family vacation and realizing I was throwing my life away. Progress has been swift since then with cars, boats and a house up for sale and let's not forget the filing.
Knowing there is still healing to occur and complications over the final settlement and sale of very expensive house in a lousy market, I am not able to make the committments to someone that I otherwise would like to make. I am more leary of the rebound relationship and as a result my eyes are open much wider than they were in the past about what is realistic and what is not. My best relationships in life were nutured over time, developing when I had huge committments to work or school that kept me grounded. I look forward to the day I wake up and find my life has been significantly integrated with a special person.
Whether I am separated or divorced, the reality is I need time for me, for my kids and to redevelop. This is not to say I can't be there for someone 2-3 days a week. In the right circumstances the opportunity is like getting involved in the restoration of a classic car, you are not sure what you are starting with, you know there is a lot of work to be done, but in the end you will have something to treasure.
Right now, I kind of find myself in the position of not wanting to be in the clubs that will have me. The good women are cautious (and rightfully so) and those that are interested in me (so far) are not long term relationship material. So I look for, communicate with, occassionally talk to, and less frequently meet people that I think have real potential long term as friends first and see what happens. No expectations.
Just a few thoughts by the recently separated. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/13/2007 7:49:01 AM | | Look hang on a min guys and girls, I have been seperated for just over 9 months now, there is no chance of us getting back together, and I mean none, she has found a new boyfriend and moved in with him, I have been told we can't file for divorce for 2 years as we just grew apart and seperated, no one cheated, so are you saying I have to wait another 15 months before you women will even think about seeing me, sod that no wonder people lie about this stuff, I have been truly honest in my profile maybe I should change it................................. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/13/2007 8:20:22 AM | | Alright! So what's the problem? If he hasn't asked you out on a date and your just hanging out with him why worry about the circumstances? It appears you know your personal feelings about the situation. I'm sure when the timing is right you two will feel ready to date. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/14/2007 9:15:44 AM | I get the feeling people believe that divorce means never allowed or never will go back.
Has anyone ever met someone who is single and they end up going back to their ex bf/gf? I guess that is acceptable then? | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/14/2007 9:47:15 AM | "no wonder people lie about this stuff, I have been truly honest in my profile maybe I should change it"
My thoughts, too.
I did change mine and if someone wants to consider it lie, well, perhaps they're too literal to deal with.
Back with my ex? HAHAHA!
I'd be too worried about the life insurance policy to sleep.
She likes guns and knives far too much! | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/14/2007 10:01:23 AM | I had reunited with a college love when she was separated from her alcoholic and controlling husband. I had no doubt and she didn't that she would not go back to him. He pit their young kids against her and controlled her right back into the marriage. One never can be too sure, but as I mentioned earlier in the thread, my closest relationship was with a woman who was separated and did get divorced a year into our relationship.
I get the feeling people believe that divorce means never allowed or never will go back.
Has anyone ever met someone who is single and they end up going back to their ex bf/gf? I guess that is acceptable then?
Very true. My best friend and his wife got divorced. 3 years later they got remarried and have been happy for 10 years now. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/15/2007 2:14:56 PM | | I don't think that anyone is judging someone who is seperated. To me personally seperated is still married that is all there is too it. There is someone who still has some say and control in your life. I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who has not found themselves yet. Regardless of the reason....whether you can't afford it or you feel you have to support them or for the business it isn't feasable. You are still married. You can be the best person in the world and when you are ready that divorce will be much easier. No one likes to be the rebound relationship either. There are plenty of single people out there to meet date and have a relationship with. I just feel that the sepration has too many complications. Life is too short. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 4/16/2007 11:02:46 AM | | Well all i'm saying is you cant tar everyone with the same brush, I will NOT be getting back with my ex she has run off with a black guy and that chapter of my life is closed as far as I am concerned, she's happy, I have moved on and looking........................................... | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/20/2007 9:00:03 AM | I agree, i am also seperated and i have been for 9 months and at this rate will not be divorced until next year.
It was his choice and he has recently got into another relationship
the marriage ended when he went the divorce is just paperwork
i feel its not the seperated ones that are a worry its the married ones who want a bit on the side
i don't feel i am being unfaithful, i am legally seperated and trying to get on with my life | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/20/2007 9:06:44 AM | | Don't do it, you will only get hurt, stay friends, thats what they need more than anything right now, if after a divorce is final then you could think of something more. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/20/2007 10:19:23 AM | Never, never, never, never, never, never, never. Sorry for sounding so negative but I have had some very bad experiences in this area. One person who I dated for 4.5 years, the love of my life, kept telling me how much he loved me and how we were going to get married. We had a wonderful relationship and everyone said we were perfect for each other. My biological clock was ticking and I was ready for a commitment and wanted children. When it looked like things were not going anywhere, I called it quits. He ended up going back to his wife. What a surprise. I then got married, and had 3 wonderful children. My husband and I were together for 13 years. I think I moved too fast in this relationship because I wanted children. I know now that we were not right for each other, although my children are great and I will never regret having them. My ex and I went through a messy divorce. He was an abusive jerk through the marriage and just as bad in the divorce. He made my life a living hell, and I ended up with very little support just to get rid of him. I now support myself and children completely with no help from him. I then met a really nice guy, who was SEPARATED. He was the kind that gave his wife the house, paid her almost everything he made, while he lived in the basement of a friend. So, here I was struggling with money and so was he, but our relationship was good. Then it looked like things were working for us, so he decided to go for his divorce. Well, after being nice to this woman for 7 years and giving her everything he had (she also had a boyfriend), he thought that he could atleast get half of his assets. Well, being the B**CH,
that she was, she made his divorce messy and took him to the cleaners, so that he was worse off than before. This was very stressful for our relationship and that ended after 2 1/2 years. So, here I was -single again and not getting any younger. Then I met another Mr. Wonderful. He was SEPARATED also, and had been for 6 years. He seemed to be handling it well and we were able to have fun, travel, etc. At this point, I just wanted to have fun and have no commitment. But he was hurt that he was so madly in love with me and that I wouldn't reciprocate. I was afraid to commit to him because he was only separated. IT'S FUNNY HOW PEOPLE WANT YOU TO FALL MADLY IN LOVE WITH THEM, BUT THEY WON'T GET DIVORCED. Then one day he told me that he was in debt and had no money because he was again letting his wife (who also had a boyfriend), live in the gorgeous house that he built and paid for, while he lived in an apartment. He also had two kids who he was paying child support for- way above the required guidelines. We broke up because he didn't think I cared about him enough. It's funny how they want the cart before the horse. It seems that they will do something about their situation, if they have a commitment from you, but I am not giving a commitment to any one who is SEPARATED (in my books still married). Anyway we ran into each other, about five months later. He started helping me fix some things in my house and we dated a bit. He thought this was a sign that we were getting back together again and started moving his clothes in. This went on for about a month. He was paying me $500.00 a month, while I was paying for everything else. My self esteem was going down. I was again feeling like a second hand rose. I would not mind if there was a future for us but when I told him how I felt and asked what his intentions were, he started feeling bad and packed up his clothes and left. That was it. Another 3 years of my life down the drain with a SEPARATED MAN. Even if he went for the divorce, it would probably be messy and that would take some more time which I do not want to give to anyone. SO NOW I WON'T DATE ANYONE WHO IS SEPARATED. I want my partner and I to enjoy our lives with money as no object. I have had to support myself and children. I will not give up things I want to do because my partner is too busy giving everything he has to his ex. and there is nothing left for our relationship. So all you separated people out there - S**T or get off the pot, as they say. Get rid of your baggage before you get into a new relationship. It isn't fair to the other person. Everything should be "cut and dry", "said and done" and "on the table". Oh, I almost forgot. I have to laugh every time I read that a person is looking for a long term relationship but is only SEPARATED. | |
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