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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/3/2008 11:53:29 PM | | In my opinion long term separated equates to not fully ready to let go. The excuse of not having the money for the divorce sounds lame to me. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/4/2008 8:33:16 AM | | Yes, but with great reservations. Don't fall in love. Chances are, you're a rebound. A major reason why the separated party is so "into you" is because you represent freedom. Once the divorce happens - if it even does - then what? To put it nicely, you'll end up with an emotionally exhausted deadbeat with baggage! | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/4/2008 11:44:09 AM | I would not date someone who was separated or newly divorced. I think it takes time to get your head on straight and once divorced, the person needs to get out in the single world for a bit again to see and experience what is out there. If I am looking for a longterm relationship, I can't imagine or could not expect a newly-divorced man to be mentally or emotionally ready for that type of relationship. As far as someone who is separated, NO WAY...they are still married and there is always the chance that there is opportunity for reconilliation ....I also would not want his soon-to-be his ex to drag my name into the courts if she would choose to do so.
Nope,,,,single, divorced for awhile or widowed is the only way I will go. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/4/2008 10:02:21 PM | I think it is an injustice for a separated person to think that the opposite sex should become involved with them, prior to them taking care of unfinished business. Also when people come out of a marriage or LTR, they need a space of time to sort through their own life, emotions, be self reliant and put their emotional baggage in perspective.
This should be a time of personal reflection. Also if you have children, their emotional needs should be primary in your mind, until you have closed that chapter of your life, have your obligations in order and are emotionally ready to invite another into your life.
Not having the money, is just an excuse. People can afford what is important to them.....it's called priorities. Lawyers will set up payment plans and most states have legal services for those on limited incomes. Para legals can do your paper work for you at a much reduced cost and you can represent yourself in court.
Actually if the divorce is not contested, no children, go to the court house, get a copy of someones simple divorce papers (open records act), do your own paper work, file, pay your court cost, represent yourself and get er done. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/4/2008 10:54:42 PM | I was separated for 2 years before my divorce. We had an amicable divorce and filed a legal separation, which meant we had to be "legally separated" for one year, and then we could file for a divorce, which is what we did. Now, I know my case was unusual, because while we were separated, my ex and I were roomates. Now, before you start judging us, keep in mind that he had a girlfriend (no, she was not the reason for the breakup) and I had a boyfriend. Everything was out in the open. I wanted out of the marriage, told my ex to go do his thing, filed the paperwork, and that was that. We lived completely separate lives, under the same room (yup). Our marriage was over long before any paper was filed, so by the time we did file the Separation Agreement, we were both on our way with our SO's. Our daughter benefited from our amicable split. There was no fighting over custody, visitation, money or anything. Actually, if more people divorced like we did, divorce attorneys would go broke 
In any event, if it is a true separation, and the person is over their ex, and their ex knows that you exist, I would say go ahead and date them. However, if they are "separated," when you call them you immediately get voicemail, you've never been to their house for whatever reason, I would say that is definitely a red flag. If you are really separated and ready to start dating someone else, there is no need for all the secrecy (immediate voicemail when you call, never going to his/her place, only receiving phone calls, texts or IM's at certain times, etc.). Secrets and mystery are for people who have something to hide. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/5/2008 12:51:49 PM | | Appears many people refer to the term separated to mean not living together. Very few have actually gone to court and gotten a legal separation. I have done that because I was unable to remain on my ex's health insurance if we divorced, but could if we were legally separated. Anyone paying for medical insurance or anyone living without it....should be able to relate to this situation....sometimes pre-existing conditions, etc. make it very difficult to obtain new insurance. I did change my marital status to divorced on the site, as realized when I saw so many listing themselves as separated.....that it appeared to be a catch all for anyone who is undecided about making a real decision. Hope anyone I meet on the site, will understand my explanation. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/5/2008 1:03:25 PM | Based on experience, which is the best teacher, I will absolutely not date a separated man. The chances of finding what I'm personally looking for are slim to none with a separated man. Fortunately I've already learned that lesson the hard way.  It really is just looking for trouble and pain, and life brings us each enough of that doesn't it? | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/5/2008 1:21:13 PM | | I too am legally separated for basically the same reason. I have been separated for over 4 years, my ex and I live separate lives, etc... the only reason we didn't file for the final divorce decree is because he had a pre-existing condition and wanted/needed to stay on my health insurance. We agreed he would split the premium. The arrangment would stay in place as long as it works... our thoughts were until the kids turn 18 (a few more years) and the child support stops, then he could afford to get some on his own. If I wanted to finalize a divorce, I would have to give him 30 days written notice to find other insurance then file. So it does depend on the situation.... I would never get back together with my ex but we do get along for the kids. I would date someone separated if I understood the basis of the separation. Good luck! | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/5/2008 1:43:27 PM | Well, after reading this,..I'm truely glad, I'm only seperated, not divorced. Though it's been a looOOOOooong time, if I'm tainted that bad, you can't give your heart, or anything else to me...you are incredibly judgemental, shallow, and would at BEST only be .7 or .8 or or worse yet, d-v-o-r-c-e number 3. I've had it with the "shallow end" of the dating pool, and QUITE content to wade deeper & wait.(that's what real fishing is about, anyway,.. waiting for the big one) I guess I should take an example from ACTUAL fishing.. in the shallows, all you get are the small sunfish & "crappys" Put on some hip waders, wade away from the bank, and cast out in the deep, calm areas..I'm tired of "everyday" pan-fish,..you have to have too many of them to make a REAL meal. I need something that makes my bobber go "THUNK" & dissapear! The small pan fish always stay in the shallows & in schools just like this, and their bite pattern is always predictable,..tow you around the pond,till they finally work the bait loose, or you hook by them by the "eye". AND, that shallow,.. there's ALWAYS some snag, where you're lucky not losing your rigging. Now,. those big "lungers" swim alone, and the small-frys give way and make distance, for fear of being eaten. (though I'm SURE they talk smack about them in the safety of the shallows), If the big ones like the bait, or the action of the lure, they take it all at once and put an immediate strain on all your muscles, & equipment, make you actually think about what you doing, worry about breaking that line, and when finally landed,.. you want your photo taken so everyone can see your catch! :  | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/5/2008 4:31:00 PM |
I'm truely glad, I'm only seperated, not divorced. Though it's been a looOOOOooong time, if I'm tainted that bad, you can't give your heart, or anything else to me...you are incredibly judgemental, shallow
Demonleather, It's strange to read that someone could possibly judge another person as shallow and judgmental if they choose not to date a separated person. Shallow??? Judgmental???
Just because someone chooses to not date someone still married, that doesn't mean they're JUDGING them. If that's how it sounds then you aren't getting the point. I'm divorced, I don't judge someone for being separated or divorced. That's just crazy and hypocritical. It's about CHOICES and what is possible in a relationship with someone still married. Is there really any potential for it to grow? If someone is still rooted in one garden, then how can they honestly believe they have anything to plant and grow somewhere else? Pulling yourself out of a marriage by the roots is painful. But a mutually satisfying relationship requires availability on ALL levels. If you aren't honest with yourself about how available you are, then you will never understand the choices that others make based on the lessons they learned while dating someone who is still married.
But hey, if it's just about sex with someone who is still married, well then of course they're "available" for that. But if someone wants more, then they will be sadly disappointed and hurt. Many have written here of having learned that painful lesson. I'd say that experience is a good teacher. And that's not judgmental or shallow. It's called being smart with your heart. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/5/2008 4:53:09 PM |
Would you date someone who is separated?
NEVER EVER, EVER,EVER,EVER,EVER,EVER,EVER,
EVER,EVER,EVER,EVER,EVER,EVER,EVER,EVER,
AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Biggest Mistake ANYONE can make.
Ok, Well maybe it was just me that was a fool...
But Still....Nope, NADA, NEVER. Won't happen!!
i Got Someone WAY better now....She's single,
as Everyone should be looking for a relationship.
Just MHO though.. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:00:45 PM | | Thier is no reason any person can give for just being separated that i would go out with, You could not finish the marriage and you cant finish the separation so you cant finish the divorce. You separated people can make all the excuses you want but they wont hold bull, other people that are not married get by so all your lame excuses as to why you are not divorced is really yor not ready for a realtionship. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/5/2008 5:33:57 PM | | I'm seperated right now and I feel that I 'm ready to date. I have relocated to an other town. Bought a new house ,another job. I've never been happier I really know who I am at this time in my life. I just think that it is unfair and small mined to asume just because you are sperated, your off limits I'm a great person a good catch and I'm worth the chance! Bikeman I want to thank you for outlook and all of you that stood up for ALL THE SEPERATED PEOPLE that felt good to get off my chest P.S there are MANY reasons for being seperated I know I have my own. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/5/2008 9:10:37 PM | (sigh) I hate it,.. when they cut your qoute to fit.... But like I said that's my opinion, and I'm stickin' to it. And you, My sweet, can stick to yours,..after all,.. after the smoke clears they are just that, and we ALL know what they say about them.
I've had both sets of papers, and to me that is exactly what they are...paper. If you crinkle them up REALLY good, you can use them in the bathroom..for something actually important. You can put all those wonderous words on paper, in ceremony,.. whatever. A dog pedigree means more. But again, this is opinion, If it's meaning rules your life, feelings & emotions, and makes you happy, I guess it's a "good thing".. for you. I'll more than likely be divorced by late spring,..but will I make that mistake again? I'd say NO, but I said that before, and look what it got me
I also expected the "just for sex" remark..because it's a known fact, that those "horrible seperated people that don't get divorced is all their after..like anyone that dates them.
If I absolutely, positively HAVE to get married again, to be a complete individual, with a loving long term partner...to be "happy" I hope My 1st wife's curse comes to fruition, and I actually AM "going to die alone!". With My last breath.. May I yell "FREEEEeeeEEEEEeeeEEEDooOOoooM!"
(Thanks for that one, Mel.. ) | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/5/2008 9:32:12 PM | "Attitude has a lot to do with success........I think you will be very successful being (separated) single".......
Hmm,.. I said the same thing.. after number one
But,. like Forrest's Mom said... "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get"
And for the life of me, no matter how much you plan, or what you say, or what you think,.. Damn, if she isn't right.. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/5/2008 10:11:30 PM | "You separated people can make all the excuses you want but they wont hold bull, other people that are not married get by so all your lame excuses as to why you are not divorced is really yor not ready for a realtionship."
(Sorry, I can't figure out how to do the quote thing, so I cut and pasted.)
I don't know about your state, but in New York, you can get divorced by being LEGALLY SEPARATED for one year, and then you file for divorce anytime thereafter. So, during that time you are "separated," not divorced, but so what. Like I said earlier, if it's all out in the open, and both separated parties are getting on with their lives, what does a piece of paper have to do with it? I know people who have been legally separated for years - neither party wants to pay for the divorce, and neither party is in a rush to marry again, so what's the harm? I guess I'm more of a free thinker...hmmm...I'll have to ponder that. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/9/2008 1:30:23 PM | Dating a man when there is still another woman out there with his last name is an attachment for him. Any way Ilook at it I'm not starting out on an even plane. I am at a big disadvantage. That is not something desirable at all to me. She's got rights - I would not. If it's really over then he has no problem making it official, by getting the much-needed divorce. What would probably happen is I'd get all entangled in his life; give him my love and he may think he loves me back - but if it's not enough to do the right thing, then he may just be greedy to have his cake and eat it, too. Just say we sit down and talk about it. Is more than once necessary before he got busy filing those papers? If he's talking about it - he is not doing it. It is not as hard as folks make it out to be. Either you want to stay in the marriage or you are really finished with it. Until then any woman is just a play thing. I do not understand a man who thinks he can have a wife and a girlfriend.
No, thanks. | |
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| Ok, check this out & advise, please?
Posted: 1/11/2008 9:51:11 AM | I meet this guy who says he's Single and we begin a friendship based on common values. We have virtually the same outlook on life, honesty being the #1 priority between us. For 5 weeks, we continue to see each other daily, loving our time together, practically joined at the hip, and naturally feeling that this really great thing we've found is going somewhere.......but in casual conversation one evening, I find out that he's not single but separated. He and his wife have no contact, there's nothing left to do except the financials of which they cannot agree. Admittedly, this could take a considerable amount of time to finalize.
When I asked him why he lied about being single, he said "in my mind, I AM single". He then said that when he told me she "left" a year ago, and that its common knowledge that NY State has a 1 year waiting period, he thought I'd "do the math". WTF??
Backpeddling just a little bit, I tell him that there are limitations on where we can go from here (there was no physical involvement at this point) and told him that we can remain friends, but he should focus on finishing old business, and in the meantime, we should leave ourselves open to see other people. He says thats fair.
Now he is telling me if I require him to hold off on things with me until his divorce is final, he doesn't think he can come back because that's how he handles the "death of a relationship". In order, he says, for us to continue, I have to compromise and agree not to see other people.
Correct me if I'm wrong - do people who break a relationship based on dishonesty have any bargaining power? It's like saying "Yeah I cheated on you, but we can fix this if you have sex with me more". I think not.
I would never pursue a love relationship with someone who is married, separated, living with or seriously dating someone else.
This kind of deception crap has made me need, more than ever, to get to know someone before diving into deeper waters with them, time for comfortable conversation and honesty. That's why, despite references in my profile as to what I want in the long term future, it says I'm looking for Friends. This is one of the reasons, men, why women mention "friends first" - because the behavior of your predecessors has frequently been less than honest (and I'm sure it happens with women too).
Please don't think that it's just a piece of paper that I'm hung up on, that has nothing to do with it - what it has to do with was him being dishonest from day One, allowing emotional investment to progress, and then excusing his dishonesty through semantics. His latest offer of meeting HIS terms in order to proceed with me just doesn't fly. Thoughts? | |
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| Ok, check this out & advise, please?
Posted: 1/11/2008 10:59:19 AM | I would not. I did once and it turned out to be a very ugly experience; meeting the not-quite-yet-ex husband in the middle of the night at my front door was not something I want to repeat.
As for those who say, 'there can be no divorce because of , to them I say it's a matter of committment. Those of us who are single are looking for someone who is single. We want committment. Those of you who are married--and "separated" is married no matter how you explain it--are looking for something else. Marriage is like pregnancy: You either are or you are not. There is no middle ground. | |
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| Separated folks
Posted: 1/11/2008 5:10:06 PM | | Well, how about people who were joined at birth and separated later | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/11/2008 10:09:30 PM | | to a woman the term seperated is a form of attachment to a guy it is hey i am free and at a third of the cost. but seriously each situation is different if the person still has feelings for the person it will not make a difference whether he is divorced or seperated as a piece of paper can not change that. you need a divorce if you plan on merring again and that is it. a seperation is just a binding and enforceable so if you feel this guy still loves his wife do you really think a piece of paper will change that. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/11/2008 10:28:34 PM | | I have dated someone who was legally separated. I consider that to be quite different than someone who's just on a "break" from his wife. He was Canadian and there is a year wait post-separation before the divorce can be finalized. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/11/2008 10:29:16 PM | I would, I have, I am.
There are lots of reasons for people not to have finalized a divorce. I have a good friend whose husband flat refused to sign the papers for 6 years, evern though they lived in different provinces and he was living with a woman.
On the other hand, I met a guy from here who had been separated for 2 years and was really defensive and reluctant to talk about it. I didn't see him again. I want to know the reason for a long separation with no divorce and if he won't talk about it, that's a problem.
I am now casually dating a recently separated guy and I'm OK with that, too. I'm not sleeping with him, I'm not looking for anything serious right away, and if he ends up back with his wife, good luck to them. | |
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naeco
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Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 350 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/11/2008 10:37:20 PM | My answer is yes, I would. Separated means they are emotionally apart and there's just the technicality of the paperwork to be finished.
I'd rather be with someone who had been "separated" for a year, than someone who was never married, but just broke up with a boyfriend a couple of months ago. | |
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