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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/11/2008 11:59:28 PM | Why would a separated person want to have thier SO watch them go thur a divorce, I would say about 90% of the divorces are ugly and do you really want your SO see how much of b===h or a bas===d you can be trying to get the divorce. Separated allso means you cant be in a realtionship 100% as you still have a spouce to contend with.
Some have been separated for many years and they have all kinds of excuses as to why the divorce is not happened well that just says that they are not ready for a realtionship and i wont belive any one that is separated is able to commit till they are divorced. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/14/2008 1:45:32 AM | I tried so hard to make things work, seemingly, but I just ended up getting burned BADLY through dating a separated girl. I'd guess I'd say I would never do it again, but I really don't feel like dating anybody at this time really... I started hanging out with her soon after 'the final straw' if you could call it I guess, and she was moving out of her house with him right when we started seeing each other. I wasn't sure how much I liked this girl at the time, but soon enough we got hot and heavy and what was a casual fling turned into something else...still not sure what really. I guess you could say we were hanging out/dating for 3 months, parents weren't so keen with the idea (being that she wasn't divorced only separated) but I never really wanted her to know this even though it was in the back of my mind the entire time. She told me about her strong feelings for me, apparently, and was very clingy usually. I'd like it, but being since my last relationship was years ago, I'd have to step back at times. Needed space, and when everything started it was hectic times for both of us in our lives. She had baggage, two kids, and going into the relationship I didn't really see things going anywhere. I had just dropped out of school not long ago, and gotten out of a very bad situation at a house I lived in with 4 of my friends. Despite all of this, however, I started to see that many of my reasons for not presenting the relationship as 'ideal' were very superficial and had really begun to start falling for her. I had fun hanging out with her, wanted to grow with her, and at 23 am/was craving for a meaningful healthy long relationship with a woman finally (since 6 months was/still my longest relationship). I kinda went the entire time at her pace, even made great efforts (at least I think) to not be awkward around the kids and help with them. I wasn't comfortable, but being around kids that are not yours isn't exactly easy or really comforting especially at the beginning. Sigh...and then pretty much things were over quicker than quicksand pretty much. I met her at a friends house the night before the break up TEXT MESSAGE, as my buddy had driven me, and was a downer and in a bad mood most of the evening b/c of a bad night at work and being tired. I wasn't comfortable around everyone there, and she ended up drinking a bit too much (apparently) and at the end of the night was laying on the floor talking about being sick and talking about how she didn't take her medication for her ulcers. Being already in a bad mood, I was frustrated on how she had not done that and then on top of everything she told somebody that I was driving her home that night. Didn't appreciate being told to do something, and thus refused to drive her home (much regret) and jumped in my buddies car and bounced. She called a couple times more on the way home, and then I answered and she said that she didn't think she could drive home. I asked her what she wanted me to do, and then she hung up on me. I went home, then called her again wondering what she did hoping she crashed there, but she was driving home and I just told her that I'd talk to her later. I get sent angry texts about me not caring more than a friend early that morning, I didn't want to deal with it, went to work...and by the time I even gotten home that night she had sent me a text breaking up with me. I was very angry at that time, she called after the fact, but I couldn't believe she would be as dramatic as that over one mistake/miscommunication. The part that really throws me for a loop is what happened after the fact, however. We didn't talk for a couple days, worked with her saturday, and then sunday we finally met up to talk...sort of. I went to drop her stuff off, not really ready for things to end wondering wtf happened hoping to talk things out. However, I was in friendzone already it seemed. She pestered me about opening her xmas gifts (that still had the tags on them) and was tight lipped on what happened. (don't wanna talk, get upset). I took blame, poured my heart out trying to explain I only wanted space to clear my head...but left that night thinking things were over. Only to come back home and get a 5am text message saying she misses my snuggling and hated being alone. "I'm not going anywhere" "can't we just be casual like before"...wow way to stomp on my heart. From that point on, starting the next day she made herself unavailable, and for the next week we didn't talk except for a couple short convos on the phone. I picked up a xmas eve shift for her to be nice, but nothing. Then the following sunday I called her upset and angry wondering what the frick was going on. She said "you're making me feel bad" and "i already told you" and then hung up. Later that night, she quit our job and haven't spoken to her since. And on top of everything, have learned that she went right back to her husband (poss. even before the text at 5am) and they are "back together"...WOW.   I feel used, and hurt more than ever before. I can't believe that she tried to work things out with him for the millioneth time yet would not even give me a chance or consideration or care. All I'm left with is you are inconsiderate, immature, and we are at different points in our lives. WTF... | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/14/2008 4:53:05 PM | I was separated for 3 years before I was divorced. And I am exactly the same person now and always will be, as I was 3 years ago, the whole time I was separated, or whenever. Time or a piece of paper or someone's formula is not going to change me.
He was cheating the whole time living with another woman, so the way I saw it is I was going to have my freedoms too. I was not going to be the "lockdown wife" who was on her lonesome the whole time he was out screwing.
For me there was always zero chance of anything ever going back the way they were, and my life isnt any more or less complicated now than it was the day after the separation, and wont ever be any more or less so. No "entanglement" here that wont always be in my life (i.e.. my kids). I also dont entertain others with my personal divorce details. That is my business not theirs, and THEY are my focus of attention not what some court order said 6 months ago or whatever.
The problem is too many people use the "separated" excuse as a lie so they can cheat on their spouse. Ruins it for the real folks who are literally just waiting. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/14/2008 6:31:37 PM | I've seen seperations that lasted years before a divorce.
Depending on the state you're in, some states consider a relationship outside of the marriage to be infidelity, even if you are seperated.
The longer the seperation, generally the uglier the divorce as well. It gives people time to think about all the little things they want to argue about ownership of.
The bottom line is, if the divorce is truly important to him, he'll find a way to get the money for one. If I'm not mistaken you can file the papers yourself. If he doesn't have the money for a lawyer, she probably doesn't either.
If at all possible, I'd personally stay away from a relationship in that case if a serious relationship is what I wanted. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/18/2008 1:06:42 PM | I would. I have. I've dated while separated. Both my divorces I was separated for three years before I could afford the divorce. The first I had left, and did not want a divorce. The second left me, but didn't want a divorce, either.
I'd take it purely on a case by case basis. Everyone is very different from everyone else. Some, when they're leaving have been on the verge of it for years, and are pretty well healed by the time they get the separation. I was, after my first marriage: all I felt was pure relief. Being blindsided the second time, it took me much longer to get my sea legs back.
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/20/2008 10:21:39 PM | Divorce CAN be inexpensive. Sure, and Rosie O'Donnell CAN be civil discussing politics; The Giants CAN beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl; Dennis Kucinich CAN be president.
I have spent over $40,000 in just under 12 months and we're not close to done yet.
Payment plan? Sure. My attorney has a plan to collect a payment when the money is due.
I am not picking on you, personally, because I have read comments from others that the cost of a divorce is a weak excuse.
I respectfully disagree. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/21/2008 11:14:45 AM | | It depends a whole lot on how long they're separated and what exactly you're looking for in the future. I would not date somebody who's separated out of a ten year marriage for one week. A lot of people are separated for a really long time. Lots of it is financial. There is a difference if they're newly separated with a chance for reconciliation or if they don't even know where the other lives or what they're doing these days. I am separated, have been for years. Someday I might bite the bullet -- of course I'd lose my retirement and everything else I have. On the flip side, I don't ever seeing myself getting married again. Too much to lose after signing that paper. If that should change, then I'd bite the bullet. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/21/2008 11:20:46 AM | Hold on just a sec - how long has he been separated? Past a year it is safer to say okay, before then, have your guard up at least. You could have your heart broken in a situation like this ... but don't we all every time that we take that leap and go into any relationship?
Other question in this though - is he living separated? Because after a year, it is that less expensive to do the deed. But until then, why would you want to put both of your feelings on hold if you are both physically single and the feeling is mutual - that is like missing a chance at what could be a re-bound, but could be an adventure in the like ... it's all in the getting there now, isn't it? | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/21/2008 12:39:10 PM | | Thanks for your post...I was starting to get depressed reading all the garbage people who dont have a friken clue...were writting...I am sepperated but im not ever getting back together and i am trying to date...lol....it was nice to hear this comment comming from a pretty woman it gives me hope thanks Teddy | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/21/2008 2:22:20 PM | I was separated from my spouse for a few years before getting divorced. In Ontario, a separation is when one, or both people decide to live apart without any intention of living together again. All our child custody, support, access arrangements and division of assets etc were stated in a legal separation agreement. We worked out all the details ourselves, when we were both happy with it a lawyer looked it over - converted it into legalese, added the necessary legal stuff and we both signed it. Cost $60.
We didn't think about divorce until he wanted to marry again. He initiated it, didn't change any of the arrangements in the separation agreement, so everything remained the same as before. Except the marriage was legally ended. Cost $800
I know quite a few people who are separated, not divorced and have been so for years and years.
People have their reasons for being separated and not divorced. If it concerns you - ask. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/21/2008 3:54:05 PM | In my mind "separated" means "unresolved issues" and it's a case of caveat emptor.
I went out on a date with someone "separated" a year ago. "I've been out of a longterm relationship for awhile" actually meant: "I moved out right before Christmas and haven't even unpacked my stuff yet. I still go over to the house to walk the dog".
Super nice guy and we had a great time but wow.....it really surprised me that someone coming out of a 13 year relationship was thinking of dating within a MONTH of moving out :)!
So, now I make sure I ask the right questions before spending any degree of time on "separated" :)! | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/21/2008 4:17:01 PM | I'm glad my wife had the foresight to see past my seperation, otherwise we wouldn't have had 32 years together.
I married young (18) the first time and quite frankly made a right hash of it, but when I met the lady who became my eventually became my soulmate, she had to really think it through as it came as a bit of a shock to her, well it would I just blurted it out to get it over and done with.
Honesty proved to be the best policy. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2008 12:12:09 AM | I agree with your point. You can not assume the reason for being separated. Could be anything. But due to the amount of people assuming a priori those reasons it makes an obstacle to meeting people when you are honest and tell your status is separated.
Maybe you should refer to your spiritual status and not to the bureaucratical status when you choose the word. That would be more accurate because in the end is your intentions what count.
Interesting. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2008 7:45:08 AM | | you cant really expect a serious commited realtionship with a separated person, if you are willing to sit by ok but if you want a commited realtionship why waste usless time on a separated person. A person that is separated cant give 100% to any realtionship as they have a spouse some where that they have to deal with. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2008 8:11:08 AM | Separated to me means "proceed with caution." Every circumstance is different, so any assumption or generalization is simply that until you have more information. There are "degrees of separation" - and some simply wouldn't qualify as dateable in my mind: for instance, if it's a "trial" separation, they don't clearly have their own place, or they're obsessing over their ex.
As a rule of thumb, avoiding separated people makes decision-making easier, but of course even single or divorced people can be just as unavailable for many reasons. On the other hand, a separated person is definitely capable of making a commitment - whether they are ready to, or not, is the question. And of course, the one absolute difference is that a separated person can't yet remarry - which may matter to some who want marriage and children soon.
Most people - divorced OR separated - have children from that prior marriage, so almost noone can give 100% to any new relationship because there are usually ties to children and dealings with an ex. Divorce does not change that. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2008 8:20:13 AM | Totally agree with the above poster "anyoneouthier".
Take care of your unfinished business before you start something new.
I didn't even date when I was going through my divorce.
It's really simple " Handle your business" before you suck somebody else into your vortex of confusion.
I dated a seperated guy for a while and really fell for him and he broke my heart when he wimped out and didnt want to go through the hassle of a messy divorce and would have to give up his "property" so he went back to her and was miserable.
Karma....you gotta love it! | |
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mxk883
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Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 369 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2008 8:22:30 AM |
A person that is separated cant give 100% to any realtionship as they have a spouse some where that they have to deal with
That is not really relevant...I am separated, and yes I have to deal with my "future-ex" all the time......and, a year from now, when I am divorced, I will still have to deal with her on an almost daily basis, as we are doing 50/50 joint custody with our young kids, and nothing is going to change that. The wonderful lady I am dating knows the deal, understands this, and for some insane reason thinks I am worth the risk, and I am so grateful for that.
To all the peopld who say they would NEVER date a separated person...I wonder if that would be the case if the guy were loaded, looked like Brad Pitt and was also a great, down to earth guy who loved kids, rescued abandoned puppies and sang in the church choir, or if the girl was super hot, loved sports, and was a nympho in bedroom? I think there might be a few changes in position on that topic...  | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2008 8:29:18 AM | I was seperated for 5 years before I got divorced.
The reason being it was going to cost us nearly a £1000 which neither of us had spare.
And there was no reason to rush it. Although he was living with someone else and had a child he had no intentions of re-marrying and I hadn't met anyone significant enough to give me reason to seek a divorce. Our divorce was not problematic.
I dated during the first year, and ever since, and had the right person come along I would have been open to a LTR.
Personally, I would date a seperated person if they had been living alone for more than a year, and had got past the "we" stage (continually referring to his wife).
I guess it takes a bit of communication to find out where they are at, but in a way that doesn't look like you're pushing for a commitment from the get-go. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2008 10:15:55 AM | you cant really expect a serious commited realtionship with a separated person, if you are willing to sit by ok but if you want a commited realtionship why waste usless time on a separated person. A person that is separated cant give 100% to any realtionship as they have a spouse some where that they have to deal with.
How can you group all separated people in one basket and say that? There is no reason why they can't put 100% into a new relationship any more than a divorced person with kids can. Once the vows are broke the only thing that ties the 2 people together is the states paper work. To me the marriage is all about the oath taken before god, not the paper that the state has over you.
There are many divorced people that can't get over their spouse but it seems by many people they are date able but someone that is over their ex but hasn't gone thru the paper work for what ever the reason maybe, is not date able. I have to disagree with that.
Why would a separated person want to have thier SO watch them go thur a divorce, I would say about 90% of the divorces are ugly and do you really want your SO see how much of b===h or a bas===d you can be trying to get the divorce. Separated allso means you cant be in a realtionship 100% as you still have a spouce to contend with.
Some have been separated for many years and they have all kinds of excuses as to why the divorce is not happened well that just says that they are not ready for a realtionship and i wont belive any one that is separated is able to commit till they are divorced.
Who says that their SO has to watch them go thru their divorce. Thats something that they can take care of on their own, they don't have to have their SO with them. People that are separated for a long time don't usually have ugly divorces like the 90% you claim (I would say those are not people that separated for a long time) Once they are apart so long they have divided most everything and if they haven't once they have a SO they are willing to just let their ex keep what they have and move on.
I would rather date someone with a good excuse of why they are separated than a bad excuse for why they are divorced. That doesn't make them not ready for a relationship or they wouldn't be looking. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2008 11:24:37 AM | I think it would depend upon the time he's been away from his wife. Have they tried to get back together?
I am separated from my to be ex and have been since last year. The reason it's taken so long, is due to the court system here and my to be ex. He decided at the last minute he wanted an attorney - when he realized that even having 50-50 custody, he would have to pay child support because our children are at the age where moving them back and forth consistently will mess with their feeling of having a stable home.
Before you pass judgement, be glad they were honest enough to put separated there, instead of single, divorced, etc. Check into their situation and see if you can understand why they're separated.
I read a comment that stated, if they're seprated then basically they won't be emotionally available. I can understand that, but I also see my side. It's been almost a year since I left - with no regrets and I believe I am emotionally and physically ready to move on.
On a brighter side.... July 9th should be my last court date! LMAO! :modhammer: | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2008 11:33:23 AM | | Id have to see...In most cases, "No"...Woman directly out of a marriage need time to adjust to being single....Separated is a 50 to 50 chance....Risk...Not really worth it...It really depends , "I separated and never looked back"...But most woman did not like (separated) divorced (yes) | |
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