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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 6/25/2008 10:31:34 AM | OP is long gone, or back under another name, but I think this is a very valid topic for discussion. If you scan just a few hundred or so profiles, you'll notice a trend that reflects the general sociological statistics for society at large: somewhere between 40-60% indicate "separated" or "divorced." And that statistic would probably be much, much higher if the true status of those who "prefer not to say" was known and factored in. Many, if not most, of those on this and other dating sites have a "past."
My own answer to the OP's question is: it would depend on many things, whether I would date someone who is separated. And, I would have to clearly define what "dating" were to mean. (In other words, are we talking about meeting occasionally for coffee or dinner, or are we talking full-blown relationship, physical intimacy, plans for future together, developing into being "in love", etc.? I think the answer to that part of the equation would matter a great deal.)
I also come at this question from another perspective: in another lifetime (just a few years ago, really) I myself was a separated person, and it was pretty clear very early into that separation that there was no hope for the marriage to heal. In my state, there was a mandatory 12-month wait before you could file for divorce (there were exceptions if you wanted to claim infidelity, etc., but in general to secure a divorce you had to live separately and not be physically intimate for a year before you could file for divorce). So, about 9 months in to that separation, I began dating. Looking back, I can see that I wasn't ready, so I kinda feel sorry for the men who I dated -- though I was very honest with each of them, so there was no deception going on. Oh, I was ready for coffee and the idea of dating. But I wasn't ready to develop a relationship with one person, begin to feel emotions for them, develop a pair bond, etc. In fact, I was not completely done with the grieving process, and I should have taken more time. I dated a couple of guys, one in particular, during that time in my life, who would perhaps have been great partners for a real future. But I was not really "available" for that. And in the end, I broke up with them, pushed them away. It's only in hindsight that I can see what was really going on with me.
In the end, of course, it's all about personal choice. I don't think it's shallow for someone to say that they would not date someone who's separated -- it's all about personal boundaries. We all have things we require in someone to consider them for long-term relationship. And for some of us, that is evidence that our prospective partner is willing and able, unencumbered, to leave their past behind and enter into an intimate journey with our self, alone.
To each his own, but no, I would not now date a separated person. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/17/2008 8:53:10 AM | | I would have to say no....just because i have been down that road.Separated dose not mean "single". To me seprated means alot of unfinished bussiness.People are very quick to pick up on "baggage". I for one have been there....done that.....It has no place or add any value to a relationship. Here's my 2 cents.......come back after you have cleaned up your backyard.Further i have found that when your divorce is finalized,take a year off to heal and do some soul searching before getting back into the dating game. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/17/2008 9:03:05 AM | | I had a similiar situation. We were "getting along" great. Then, around the third month of relationship, he became very angry and acted like an a##hole. He was conflicted. I found our relationship in "hot water". Now, I am seeing someone else, because he started to display strange behavior and playing "head games". It is simple. They are lonely. They are rejected. They need someone, like you, to use this your time in order not to feel alone and sad. They are not ready for another woman in their life, and if you get too close, then watch out, because they will push you away and become angry. It is not fair to you to go through the grieving process with him.. He should go through it alone. You cannot help him to "escape" the grieving process.... if you do, he will be ambused by grief, and take it out on you. He will hate you and not be able to understand why. When you break-up, he will further keep experiencing the sadness, loneliness and anger. As long as you understand this, and do not get emotionally involved with him...like doing something stupid like getting attached.... then you will alright. But, most women, after they have sex, they start to get attached and fall in love, and that's when you'll have to suffer the heartbreak of losing him. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/17/2008 12:43:35 PM | this is situation I am in, If they are no longer cohabitating ( Good questions to get answers to and confirm itliving in the same house or sleeping in the same bed). My soon to be divorced wife and I are seperated- this was a long relationship, it has been over for years. I believe this is situational- can you trust what the seperated individual says? Do they walk the talk? Be cautious, don't your let your guard down, listen carfully what this individual says, you might ask what their grieving process was? Being the separated person, I'm careful because I really don't want to burden someone with my excess baggage. I also realize that I am human and enjoy the company of others to keep my life fulfilled. If each individual treads carefully and the communication is open and honest this a can be a very workable situation. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you
GCTEXASJEFF | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/17/2008 10:22:17 PM | smilee, try replacing "they" with "he", & "will" with "did". That's your experience with one person & it's completely unfair to generalize & assume like that.
I still would & I still am, btw. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:07:11 PM | I gotta go with the legal definition.
Separated = married.
Married=unavailable, (to me.)
Dating is a waste of my time and hers if she's not single, divorced, or widowed.
Nothing judgmental about all the separated folks on POF who want to play.
There are still lots of fishies here that want to play.
Just not this turtle.
Not my cup of chowder. Sorry. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:28:22 PM |
Like previous posters said, separated is not final, even if the individual feels that there is no chance of reconcilliation.
DIVORCED is not final either! Divorced does not mean that the chapter is closed at all.
It depends on the person and the situation. I have had guys tell me that they are *separated*.....and then I come to find out they are still living in the same house together. They consider sleeping in separated bedrooms because the marriage has broken down.....being separated.
There are people that separate.....have no chance of reconciliation....and there ARE good reasons.
*No good* can come from ANY kind of relationship...single, separated or divorced. And I have had *no good* come from men in all three categories.
I would say a better explanation of why that happens is because people lie......are not telling the whole story.....are being evasive......or a host of other reasons. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:57:28 PM | | Coming from someone with very strong feelings about this... I would NEVER date someone who was "separated". As one poster said, "divorced isn't always final either", but it sure creates a whole lot more breathing room that someone who is still married but "separated". I wouldn't date someone who just got divorced either. Feelings are too fresh, whether it be unrequited romantic feelings for the ex or unresolved feelings of anger. Very rarely does someone come out of a divorce with no baggage or strong feelings one way or the other for their ex. Give me someone who has been divorced or out of a relationship for a while and who knows what they want in a new relationship and the kind of person they're looking for rather than someone who just got out of a relationship, especially a long term one, and who might need to figure all that stuff out still or even who THEY are as a single person. I don't want to "fix" anyone, "mother" anyone or be the rebound relationship for anyone. I have better things to "be" in a relationship than be any of those things. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:59:31 PM | To be so final and matter of fact is almost rightous- sorry if I ticked you off- each senerio is different and has it's own issues- Divorced in my mind means that the situation is dead- speaking from my viewpoint. People that don't properly grieve can destroy their next relationship- Timing is different for each person- Seeking support from qualified help doesn't hurt and it can help the divorced party worth through their baggage- hey that's what I've done. Looking to the day the ink is dry- my brain is almost healed and won't get into anything until my brain is right and the ink has been dry for a while
Jeff | |
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