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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 6/25/2008 10:31:34 AM | OP is long gone, or back under another name, but I think this is a very valid topic for discussion. If you scan just a few hundred or so profiles, you'll notice a trend that reflects the general sociological statistics for society at large: somewhere between 40-60% indicate "separated" or "divorced." And that statistic would probably be much, much higher if the true status of those who "prefer not to say" was known and factored in. Many, if not most, of those on this and other dating sites have a "past."
My own answer to the OP's question is: it would depend on many things, whether I would date someone who is separated. And, I would have to clearly define what "dating" were to mean. (In other words, are we talking about meeting occasionally for coffee or dinner, or are we talking full-blown relationship, physical intimacy, plans for future together, developing into being "in love", etc.? I think the answer to that part of the equation would matter a great deal.)
I also come at this question from another perspective: in another lifetime (just a few years ago, really) I myself was a separated person, and it was pretty clear very early into that separation that there was no hope for the marriage to heal. In my state, there was a mandatory 12-month wait before you could file for divorce (there were exceptions if you wanted to claim infidelity, etc., but in general to secure a divorce you had to live separately and not be physically intimate for a year before you could file for divorce). So, about 9 months in to that separation, I began dating. Looking back, I can see that I wasn't ready, so I kinda feel sorry for the men who I dated -- though I was very honest with each of them, so there was no deception going on. Oh, I was ready for coffee and the idea of dating. But I wasn't ready to develop a relationship with one person, begin to feel emotions for them, develop a pair bond, etc. In fact, I was not completely done with the grieving process, and I should have taken more time. I dated a couple of guys, one in particular, during that time in my life, who would perhaps have been great partners for a real future. But I was not really "available" for that. And in the end, I broke up with them, pushed them away. It's only in hindsight that I can see what was really going on with me.
In the end, of course, it's all about personal choice. I don't think it's shallow for someone to say that they would not date someone who's separated -- it's all about personal boundaries. We all have things we require in someone to consider them for long-term relationship. And for some of us, that is evidence that our prospective partner is willing and able, unencumbered, to leave their past behind and enter into an intimate journey with our self, alone.
To each his own, but no, I would not now date a separated person. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/17/2008 8:53:10 AM | | I would have to say no....just because i have been down that road.Separated dose not mean "single". To me seprated means alot of unfinished bussiness.People are very quick to pick up on "baggage". I for one have been there....done that.....It has no place or add any value to a relationship. Here's my 2 cents.......come back after you have cleaned up your backyard.Further i have found that when your divorce is finalized,take a year off to heal and do some soul searching before getting back into the dating game. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/17/2008 9:03:05 AM | | I had a similiar situation. We were "getting along" great. Then, around the third month of relationship, he became very angry and acted like an a##hole. He was conflicted. I found our relationship in "hot water". Now, I am seeing someone else, because he started to display strange behavior and playing "head games". It is simple. They are lonely. They are rejected. They need someone, like you, to use this your time in order not to feel alone and sad. They are not ready for another woman in their life, and if you get too close, then watch out, because they will push you away and become angry. It is not fair to you to go through the grieving process with him.. He should go through it alone. You cannot help him to "escape" the grieving process.... if you do, he will be ambused by grief, and take it out on you. He will hate you and not be able to understand why. When you break-up, he will further keep experiencing the sadness, loneliness and anger. As long as you understand this, and do not get emotionally involved with him...like doing something stupid like getting attached.... then you will alright. But, most women, after they have sex, they start to get attached and fall in love, and that's when you'll have to suffer the heartbreak of losing him. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/17/2008 12:43:35 PM | this is situation I am in, If they are no longer cohabitating ( Good questions to get answers to and confirm itliving in the same house or sleeping in the same bed). My soon to be divorced wife and I are seperated- this was a long relationship, it has been over for years. I believe this is situational- can you trust what the seperated individual says? Do they walk the talk? Be cautious, don't your let your guard down, listen carfully what this individual says, you might ask what their grieving process was? Being the separated person, I'm careful because I really don't want to burden someone with my excess baggage. I also realize that I am human and enjoy the company of others to keep my life fulfilled. If each individual treads carefully and the communication is open and honest this a can be a very workable situation. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you
GCTEXASJEFF | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/17/2008 10:22:17 PM | smilee, try replacing "they" with "he", & "will" with "did". That's your experience with one person & it's completely unfair to generalize & assume like that.
I still would & I still am, btw. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:07:11 PM | I gotta go with the legal definition.
Separated = married.
Married=unavailable, (to me.)
Dating is a waste of my time and hers if she's not single, divorced, or widowed.
Nothing judgmental about all the separated folks on POF who want to play.
There are still lots of fishies here that want to play.
Just not this turtle.
Not my cup of chowder. Sorry. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:28:22 PM |
Like previous posters said, separated is not final, even if the individual feels that there is no chance of reconcilliation.
DIVORCED is not final either! Divorced does not mean that the chapter is closed at all.
It depends on the person and the situation. I have had guys tell me that they are *separated*.....and then I come to find out they are still living in the same house together. They consider sleeping in separated bedrooms because the marriage has broken down.....being separated.
There are people that separate.....have no chance of reconciliation....and there ARE good reasons.
*No good* can come from ANY kind of relationship...single, separated or divorced. And I have had *no good* come from men in all three categories.
I would say a better explanation of why that happens is because people lie......are not telling the whole story.....are being evasive......or a host of other reasons. | |
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Nic B.
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Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 411 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:57:28 PM | | Coming from someone with very strong feelings about this... I would NEVER date someone who was "separated". As one poster said, "divorced isn't always final either", but it sure creates a whole lot more breathing room that someone who is still married but "separated". I wouldn't date someone who just got divorced either. Feelings are too fresh, whether it be unrequited romantic feelings for the ex or unresolved feelings of anger. Very rarely does someone come out of a divorce with no baggage or strong feelings one way or the other for their ex. Give me someone who has been divorced or out of a relationship for a while and who knows what they want in a new relationship and the kind of person they're looking for rather than someone who just got out of a relationship, especially a long term one, and who might need to figure all that stuff out still or even who THEY are as a single person. I don't want to "fix" anyone, "mother" anyone or be the rebound relationship for anyone. I have better things to "be" in a relationship than be any of those things. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:59:31 PM | To be so final and matter of fact is almost rightous- sorry if I ticked you off- each senerio is different and has it's own issues- Divorced in my mind means that the situation is dead- speaking from my viewpoint. People that don't properly grieve can destroy their next relationship- Timing is different for each person- Seeking support from qualified help doesn't hurt and it can help the divorced party worth through their baggage- hey that's what I've done. Looking to the day the ink is dry- my brain is almost healed and won't get into anything until my brain is right and the ink has been dry for a while
Jeff | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/28/2009 6:24:44 PM | | wow... there are 17 pages of answers for this question and ive read most of them.. i specifically looked for this question because im curious to see how everyone is handling it since ive never been with a separated man before... im currently involved with a separated man for 5 months now. the best 5 months of my life. this is a tough question to answer.. had i not been involved with this man i would have answered this question with a "NO.. DO NOT GET INVOLVED". but.. since i am involved with a separated man, i cant say that.. i care about him, we've become really good friends and lovers... im open minded and im taking it day by day..... anything could happen.... he may choose to reunite with his wife and then i just have to accept it and walk away quietly because i knew there was a possibility right from the beginning..... but just like any situation you never know unless you take a chance.. im not saying its the right thing to do but had i not taken this chance i would have never had this great experience with this incredible guy.... theres never a guarantee.. weather its a situation like this or anything else... even when two people are free and single, theres no guarantee.. it doesnt necessarily have to be with a separated or divorced person..... by choosing to persue this and enjoying every single moment i wouldnt put limits on anything because if you pass something up you'll never know what could have been or miss out on an exciting and memorable experience.... of course in the back of my mind i think about this ending... but ill deal with it if and when it happens... im prepared for anything at this point.. this was initially a no strings attached "intimate encounter" but..... it turned out that we see each other more often than either one of us expected.. i dont even know what to call it... whatever it is, we're enjoying each others company.. i dont question him, i dont pressure him, i dont want to ruin what we have. we both have a past, we both have our own obligations... if this were to go in any other direction at this point, it would change everything.. so im leaving it alone and accepting how it is... we dont even have to say anything to each other... we both know to leave it alone and enjoy our moments together.... if i feel any differently in the future im sure i wont have a problem talking about it... i feel we have great communication with one another... but for now im leaving it the way it is because id rather have him the way things are right now than not have him at all... im content... if you can be open minded and take things one day at a time and accept the way things are, i think it should be ok... but if you pressure the person who isnt ready for a commitment or doesnt want a commitment, then it wont last. the pressure will kill the fun and excitement.. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/28/2009 6:36:32 PM |
I would say a better explanation of why that happens is because people lie......are not telling the whole story.....are being evasive......or a host of other reasons.
i think this is the best thing said on here.
here are some facts - i am separated. i have been separated for almost two years. my 'wife' LIVES with her boyfriend. there IS no relationship between the two of us. divorce isn't free, and it's not always friendly. there are children involved, and custody arrangements always just feel like giving away some of my right as a father. as a married person, in florida anyway, i am totally as legally capable as my 'wife' to raise my children as i see fit, any day of any week of any year - not every other weekend and some holidays.
now, if i were divorced, i would be exactly the same person. i would have the same issues and the same children and the same everything as i do right now. what difference does it make?
there are entirely too many flaws people look for in one another in this world. way back on page one of this ancient thread (god forbid i had started a new one and upset the redundant nazis) the first reply mentioned passing up a lot of great guys to pursue this separated man... well why pass up so many separated men if you have chemistry? this isn't cheating on your wife - it's being single in every way other than a piece of paper that states otherwise.
men and women lie all the time about this crap and it gets them where they want to be - i choose to be honest and it scares women off. good job teaching everyone to lie. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/1/2009 11:18:39 AM | Ditto post 34
There is nothing wrong with going out and having fun, I think the issue here is women are shopping the catalog here for " the one".And you can't be"the one" still attached by paper work. We all married for life and took it seriously,however people change and there are new expectations and constant disharmony .Then we find ourselves completely OUT of love and all we are left with is the disolving of a partnership.Some people are able to understand the difference between the two. maybe instead of having a dating site there should be a site named" Marry You" where you can find "The One". Im just trying to point out that Dating is interacting fun between friends that could be more if there is a conection and just take every thing day by day without rushing the future because " The One" might come from differnt walkss of life, you never know,do ya..............bb | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/1/2009 11:28:11 AM | Call Me Sugar: My divorce was final only a few months after I moved out. I did not stay married "for financial or religious reasons" or "for the kids" or for fear of being alone or for any of the hundreds of other reasons that people stay in relationships that simply aren't working out. I was simply fortunate enough to be a position to cut my losses and move on.
Consequently, I have no understanding of what it's like to be in the limbo of "separation" for years and am not qualified to give advice on anyone else's situation, much less "bless" it. (Although your reading ***17*** pages of comments spanning more than two years suggests, with all due respect, that you are searching your heart on this matter.... frankly, I couldn't even make it past only the first and last page of comments.)
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All I can do is answer the question posed by OP a few years ago on whether I myself could date a (legally) separated person:
First, although there may be some "dogs" out there, there are also many honorable separated men who have made the emotional break with their past and just want some companionship. I did not feel comfortable dating until my divorce was final, but (as I mentioned above) I didn't have that long to wait. I don't judge anyone's decision to date prior to his/her court date, but I have occasionally received ***scathing*** responses from separated men because I chose not to date them at that point.
But, as many separated people will tell you, a piece of paper doesn't mean much, either. There are also many divorced people who have not yet moved on. In their hearts and minds, they are still married, no matter what their state's legal system has told them. They may sincerely believe it when they tell you that they're ready to date again, but they need more time to transition back to "single life" (whatever that is...).
I find that I tend to have the easiest relationships with men who have been divorced for at least a few years. This is because I know myself well enough to recognize that I can't take things "day by day."
Ultimately, my key criterium is "Can he be fully and truly an 'available' participant: emotionally, psychologicially, etc?" I am finding that the answer does not always fall neatly along a "separated/divorced" continuum.
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CallMeSugar: Good luck with your relationship. You are certainly not taking the easier road and I hope it remains "more than [you] expected..." | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/1/2009 1:06:58 PM | I would not for many reasons #1 they are still married period. #2 Do you actually believe that someone is going to come away from a divorce so unscathed that they will not need time to pull themselves together? #3 What if he needs time to clear his head and rearrange his priorities you are only getting one side of the story You will be too convienent to fall back on and he needs to get right with himself.
#4 What could you possibly stand to gain here but a nursemate He needs to pick you when he is free and clear and has other options because you are the one he wants. It might take longer if his woman finds out you are in the pic because she will be pissed and hopefully if he has children they will not become part of this saga. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/1/2009 1:15:04 PM | No wonder blokes like me don't stand a chance!
I'm seperated and its hanging like a lead weight around my neck. A "Sperated" man is to women as garlic is to vampires. Why is that? Do women just assume that I've done something wrong to be seperated in the first place? Is it just that they don't like the idea of all the "baggage" that might come along?
Everyone seperates for different reasons, right? Wouldn't it be prudent to find out why the seperation came about in the first place before passing judgment on wether or not the person you are seeing is ready for another relationship? | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/2/2009 3:38:46 PM | IAAL,
In Canada, a separation is a legal status and it is a necessary and unavoidable step to divorce. A divorce cannot be finalized until a married couple have been separated for a year.
False.. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/2/2009 3:54:30 PM | Sometimes Divorces take a looong time in the courts, with lawyers fighting for each client's fair (or greed) share, so it depends on the situation with the separated person.
But to play devil's advocate for a second:
When a date says they are divorced, how do we really know they are?  Do we ask to see their divorce papers?
I think most women can get a sense of where a man is at, in his head, when it comes to the ex, or is he still hung up on her, wanting her back, resentful toward her, feels taken to the cleaners, or really maybe is glad it's over. Takes a few conversations to see just what is what.  Even it means he is just  out there soughing some oats, & not really looking for a relationship, etc.
Women are Smart!!  well most anyway.
But then there are the smart, manipulative liars who can outsmart us, maybe for a bit, but the truth shows itself eventually... just my take on your topic  | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/2/2009 3:56:03 PM | karma1160,
I think a previous poster brought up a good point, though. Separated doesn't -necessarily- mean you "just broke up". Sometimes divorces take a long long time to surface. If someone's been separated significantly over a year while their SO is living with someone else, then I would classify it in the same realm as "recently divorced", when it comes to dating... unless of course that person's still pining over them and having to deal with tons of BS still, but again, there are exceptions.
However, you don't know their situation until after talking. So yes, statistically, if you're on a website like this, 90% of people who are separated still have ties and issues with their soon-to-be-but-not-official Ex. Hence, if your mindset is "relationship asap", don't go there. If you have a more casual mindset, find them attractive, sure, why not. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/2/2009 4:26:58 PM | | Hi, I personally am separated. I feel that the separated person should only be looking for friendship until the divorce is finalized. Mine is definitely in two years but even still, I will not get romantically involved until then. I can't force my values on others but I think I should at least bring them up. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/3/2009 9:37:38 AM | Thanks for sharing your opinion with me azureorb .
I am sure that there are exceptions to every rule as I do value the grey in life.
I personaly think that there is a process to everything and the process of divorce is closure. There are lots of variables. Including people who are stuck in worlds where there spouses are very ill and are not available to meet their needs . I know this and have seen this and my heart aches for these people.
I guess everyone has to have some sort of code that keeps them safe this is part of mine. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/3/2009 4:44:50 PM | | if you want to be friends that's fine but honestly how do you know he is really separated from his wife and they aren't getting back together? do yourself a favor and either just be friends or run...because until he has those divorce papers he's a married man and its your heart on the line not his! | |
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