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| | Would you date someone who is separated?Page 3 of 19 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19) | Separation is a totally subjective situation to be in. Every one is different. I've been separated since March of 2006, filed for divorce the week I left, no chance of reconciliation, and the only "contact" I have had with him AT ALL was at the hearing when he sued me for spousal support. I live alone, support myself, assist my 20 y/o daughter to live on her own and pay spousal support. I enjoy no "benefits" of marriage. You don't want to date me because I'm "still married"? I don't want to date you because anyone who is that "black and white" about life isn't ready for the compromises that a relationship requires.
The real problem is that the legal system around marriage is completely backwards.....you can get married after waiting a week or two in PA but it has to take two years to get divorced when a partner wants to jerk you around. It SHOULD BE two years to wait to get married and a week or two to get divorced! LOL! | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/7/2007 12:53:00 PM | It depends on the law in your country too! I read, Pamelot was able to file for divorce the week she left! In Australia you have to be separated 1 full year before you can file for divorce then it takes another month to be final!
I would date a separated person,its a chance you take with married(separated) or never married,if they are ready to move on Annie | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/7/2007 1:38:14 PM | do you find that its mostly women that have a harder time dating separated men...Most of the bad experiences (I've heard of) have been with women dating separated men I never thought of this issue like this. Perhaps this scenario occur more because the guy usually has more to lose financially than the woman, and he is more likely to do a 180 with his emotions to save his finances.
Women have to set the standard for correct behavior. Men will not. Wow that a great set of values for someone who does not expect much from a guy. Explain why it's ok for men to not value the marriage situation of a separated woman?? 
a person has nothing of value to contribute to a new relationship until 2 years after a divorce...Divorced people need a period of rest and contemplation to reflect on their experience. And others would do well to give them this space because they are not likely to get much out of them until they do. Wow you must not read the PoF threads where somebody wonders why a spouse or long-term partner was cheating on them? It's because the cheater was EMOTIONALLY DIVORCED from their partner. Specifying a fixed amount of time after approval of a legal document is ridiculous.
It's ok to look for another relationship as soon as you have emotionally divorced yourself from your partner. Example: say a man verbally abuses a woman for years. Then he snaps one day and slaps her. The years of verbal abuse have caused the woman to gradually emotionally divorce herself from her husband. They may have even gone to counseling during the time of verbal abuse. The slapping around was the last straw. She hasn't felt anything good about her husband for years, she petitions for divorce and separates. She has to wait 2 years of her life to explore emotional closeness again? Maybe, maybe not, each person is unique and different; to follow blanket rules in all scenarios is ludicrous. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/7/2007 2:14:29 PM | Finally, people that are thinking more about the emotional aspect than the legal slip of paper. My ex and I were over years before she moved out. The last time we spoke she said we were only room mates for the last 5 yrs of our marriage. Seperate rooms and separate lives. It was just neither cheated because we were still under the same roof.
Nope, life is not black and white. There are many reasons to get a divorce. The main one would be one has found someone they truly want to be with and will do whatever it is to be with them. Thank goodness for those who think outside the box.
As far as the two year thing. Yes. I was told in the beginning not to date anyone for two years. Just to find out who you are. I didn't heed that advice for another two years. However, it is worth taking whether you are divorced or separated. I found it to be true in my case. I wouldn't change anything I've discovered during that time. I am still learning about me. And I know when the right woman walks to me, I am ready to share and leave all else behind. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/7/2007 7:34:21 PM | I agree with those that stated it depends on the reason. My ex and I, while legally separated, will remain legally married for two and a half to three more years. This is simply a mutually beneficial business arrangement.
I will say, while I've seen it posted repeatedly, I do not understand not having the money for a divorce. If you don't have the money for an attorney, I'm going to guess there are no assets from the marriage, so use a paralegal. There are ads in every newspaper advertising for simple divorces, here in CA, for about $250.00. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/7/2007 8:20:40 PM | I will say, while I've seen it posted repeatedly, I do not understand not having the money for a divorce. If you don't have the money for an attorney, I'm going to guess there are no assets from the marriage, so use a paralegal. There are ads in every newspaper advertising for simple divorces, here in CA, for about $250.00.
I suppose I am lucky that way. My divorce will cost me nothing. Over here the fees are means tested, the paperwork is self serve, (no lawyers), and service is by anyone.
Contested factors such as Child orders, assets etc will be handled through Legal Aid, also free.
Thankfully there are no assets left, she has signed Parenting Plan, giving me my Daughter, and she has to pay maintenance, not that she will.
to answer the original OP, Yes I would date a separated person. All of us are deserving of love and affection. Ok it may be like jumping into a pool without checking the depth, but if we don't? We will never know how deep it is. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/7/2007 9:57:58 PM | Msg 11 " The cost of the divorce, not to mention losing my healthcare, is something I just can't afford at this time."
Why should the wife pay for the divorce? Is the wife supporting the husband? The dissolution is usually financed out of the joint holdings, which more often than not, ends up being the husband's cost. Of course, the lawyers are the only sure winners in such proceedings, especially if there is any acrimony between the parties and they stall each other along each step of the proceedings.
I'm puzzled at the 'losing my healthcare'. Even in the U.S., is there not some sort of continuation period until your next employment or husband? (I'm in Canada, we have a national healthcare system, covers most everything, but not quite.)
It sounds like a hostage situation, where what influences the choice of a new husband, is how readily he could help the separatee financially with the divorce proceedings and through his employer's healthcare package.
If that's so, a way to speed up finding such a catch, would seem to be by highlighting these aspects on the Profile, perhaps setting a dollar value on them, to avoid wasting time with those not having enough money at hand. How much is the dollar equivalent? $100,000?
It really sounds almost like being caught in a Catch-22, but I'd hope not, so long as there were at least some men willing to both consider dating someone who is merely separated and not legally divorced, and also financially well able to assist the divorce process and provide the necessary healthcare coverage.
Would not the current husband, be strongly motivated to assist in the wife becoming remarried, rather than pay years or even decades, of support payments? | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/8/2007 11:38:28 AM | Hi Bella, to me separated can mean lots of things; one of which is someone totally fed up with their husband, the divorce is pending, no chance of reconciliation. That is what you describe of course, and much, much more. The separated ladies I dated definitely weren't having their cake and eating it too like you describe. I wouldn't have known that had I taken a simplistic mindset and just bluntly disregarded these ladies' availability.
Hello Bke Man:}
I agree with you to a point the only thing you said that would get me to date a separated man though is if as you said ...."the divorce is pending"
I'm reading or know people that have been separated 4 or 5 years I'm willing to bet anything that half of those people didn't even know each other that long before they got married
unless there is a prenup involved there is no way a Divorce takes that long and...
is the new person these people date suppose to wait that long to plan a future with them? | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/8/2007 6:52:05 PM | | they say it takes 5 yrs to over a divorce . so if your in it for the fling go for it as long as you dont be dum about it and think its gonna last. is safe for the few months of lust.. stress factor does make the mind work differently ..... im single ;) | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/8/2007 8:14:06 PM | | It takes a year of legal seperation in CANADA to file for a divorce. Some people have no option then to state seperated on their profiles.. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/8/2007 8:29:50 PM | I have been seperated for over 8 months but had been living like roomates for about 4 years.
It took a lot to make that move but I did it and will not go back. We are in the process of the divorce and will continue to proceed forward. I dated a man for about 4 months...he then sent an email to end the relationship because he decided he was not ready to be involved with anyone. Don't you think I deserved a phone call at least??? He said he was seperated
for 10 years but meanwhile his wife was living downstairs from him. That is something I would not recommend to anyone. If they are still living together run as far away as you can....you will most definitely get hurt. I think dating someone seperated is fine as long as they are not living together. Can anyone answer me why after 4 months a man would send an email to break it off instead of a phone call considering the fact he called me 3 times a day and spent many hours chatting on the phone??? | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/8/2007 9:42:38 PM | Is it law that once divorced neither spouse can ever see one another nor get involved? And do divorced couples never reconcile? Seems to me people think right away seperated is a chance of getting back together where divorce is it is completely over forever.
Boy how wrong many are. I have known and heard of many divorced couples reconciling. So to think once a guy, because women never go back, is divorced there is no chance of him going back to the ex...don't be foolish cuz anyone can go back. What about dating someone who broke up with someone? He/she tells you it was 6 months ago when in fact it was 6 weeks ago and low and behold they are still screwing on the side. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/8/2007 10:02:50 PM | I'm with The Champ on this,people get back together after years apart,each relationship has to be decided by yourself at the time,people lie about how long ago they seperated!
Most people know where they stand on moral issues,U know in your heart what sits right with You!
Annie | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/9/2007 5:17:14 AM | For BigMan1952,
In no way am I demanding anything of this man. I am simply letting him know that I am not comfortable dating a man who is separated. We have talked further re the possibility of a romantic relationship. Another area in which we differ is that he is not interested in ever marrying again, while it is important to me that I marry the man I want to be with. Having been in common-law relationships many years ago, and having begun a personal journey of faith since then, I will not live with a man outside the bonds of marriage. This man sees nothing wrong with being platonic, though compatible, friends for the rest of our lives. I feel that if any prospective partners see us together on a regular basis, they might assume that we are a couple involved in an exclusive relationship.
You are right when you say that - in some cases - separated means available. This man is available, but only to a woman who wants an uncommitted partner. * I know that this last sentence may draw some "flack", but I am just stating my point of view, not expecting anyone else to agree with it.
Have an awesome day, BigMan1952, et al. | |
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*Tee*
| | Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 66 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/9/2007 6:52:34 AM | Why should the wife pay for the divorce? Is the wife supporting the husband? The dissolution is usually financed out of the joint holdings, which more often than not, ends up being the husband's cost.
Whoever files the divorce pays for it. Mind you this isn't the main reason I'm legally separated. Its more for my healthcare benefits.
I'm puzzled at the 'losing my healthcare'. Even in the U.S., is there not some sort of continuation period until your next employment or husband? (I'm in Canada, we have a national healthcare system, covers most everything, but not quite.)
My ex has the type of coverage that pays for all medicine and any healthcare or dental care not covered by the government. I am self employed and only have OHIP, which only covers doctors visits,surgery, and hosp rooms, anything above and beyond (any medication, dentist visits, xrays, therapists, coverage in case you are out of country) I have to pay. In order for me to get any coverage even close to that, it would cost me almost the same as having another mortgage. Since I have sole custody, keeping the house my children grew up in was more important for them, and is why I chose to do what I did.
On a side note, Even though I've been separated for over 4 years,I've never had a reason to get the divorce, since I've only been seriously dating this past year. If I do have a potential long term partner, I would not hesitate to start divorce proceedings immediately...Since I'm legally separated anyway, that could take no more then 2 weeks....In my case to do that now, makes no sense.. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/9/2007 6:53:16 AM | I would never ever date a man who is only separated. Being friends with him is another story. I wouldn't let it go past friendship though until after he was divorced and had the final papers to prove it. I know how I felt when my ex-husband started dating other women before he filed for divorce (he waited about two years to file after he left) and how I felt when a close friend of mine I had gone to school with decided to go to school with decided to cheat on my husband and thought that since me and my husband were separated it was perfectly fine for her to cheat with him (we have not spoken since because I felt betrayed by her, especially after she helped my ex-husband steal all my money out of my bank account and I had to fight to get it all back) I would never put another woman through that.
You need to be careful with your heart. If he is only separated from his wife and has not filed for divorce, there is always the chance he could go back to her and it will be you who gets hurt in the end. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/9/2007 7:46:32 AM |
I would never ever date a man who is only separated. Being friends with him is another story. I wouldn't let it go past friendship though until after he was divorced and had the final papers to prove it...If he is only separated from his wife and has not filed for divorce, there is always the chance he could go back to her and it will be you who gets hurt in the end.
I'm beating a dead horse here, sorry, but I will repeat this.
Formally divorced people can reconcile just like separated people can reconcile. Divorced people reconcile might even be a more dubious reconciliation and therefore more hurtful to you, mostly likely done to cheat on you for infrequent clandestine X sex. Just because someone has divorce papers doesn't mean they won't go back and "hit it" with their X.
Your best bet for emotional happiness is to seek "emotionally divorced" people. Separated people CAN fall into this category. Many divorced people ARE NOT in this category. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/9/2007 8:01:25 AM | I have to say yes to that, for I'm separated myself and had a good 7 mnth relationship with someone else. I'm able to have my divorce in February since my year of separation will be up. I see no reason to find I that I can't date, or even be loved just because I still have strings. At least they're loose and are about to become undone. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/9/2007 9:40:20 AM | | I did and I lost that round, so to speak. He was physically separated from his wife only, so legally they were still married. Not a good idea, and I would never, ever, do it again. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/9/2007 4:33:36 PM | Do women never go back when seperated..only men? Seems that to me on this thread.
My god men are always to blame for the marriage going sour, always the ones to never get custody of the kid(s), always gets nailed with support even when there is no kids, always have to give up almost everything added to the support.
Gotta say women are I guess perfect but we don't realize it.
Does divorced mean that yes HE is no longer involved with his ex? realy? Wow!! Never knew that a piece of paper signed by both and a lawyer means that they will never reconcile again. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/9/2007 8:46:14 PM | I agree with your reservations about dating someone who is only separated. I am separated and went out on a date 2 weeks ago with a man who knew my marital status. He hasnt called since then and I suspect that it is because he is now feeling cautious about whether or not I am really 'available" to him.
I have been separated for a year as of today and will be filing my divorce papers in a matter of weeks. In NC you have to be separated for 1 year and the divorce only takes 6 weeks. Im hoping that this guy will still want to see me once I let him know that my divorce is final.
If your guy is not able to pay for the divorce right now, then you have a right to be concerned. Is it a matter of not really being able to afford it or really not wanting to let go of the familiar?
I'd say that you should let him know that you would like to hear from him once the marriage is legally over....but you have to protect yourself from being in a long term relationship with this guy who cannot or will not totally commit to you because he is committed to another. Best of luck! | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/9/2007 10:15:10 PM | I struggled with this issue recently *bit of a worry monkey* I seen a lot of threads where people wouldn't date someone who was separated and spoke harshly about people who were separated and dating or seeing others. The horror and shock as i've been seperated for 6 years. off and on of course. the third time was final and it took 5 years for both of us to be able to move on with the best intentions for each other.
Relationships aren't disposable even though many people treat them as that. I never dated during any of the separations where i wasn't sure but did have some women as friends more co workers then friends really but had some social outings with them. Now that i have met someone i find myself wanting to get everything sorted out but was caught completely unprepared. In some respects being separated was a bit of a shield because i didn't want to get into a relationship ever again.
I really never gave it a thought till i read all the negative outlooks on the subject. Of course I will be getting divorced. The person I met knows my heart and doesn't care if i ever got divorced she doesn't want to chain me to the fence post so its ok. I have given this so much thought. people seem to need a piece of paper for some reason... Having no paper is a stronger expression of ones love to each other in my opinion. Its all about daily choice. Every day I choose to love her and she chooses the same. I would never want to chain her to the fence either.
The greatest gift i can give her is the freedom to Love me And Love her with a free heart fully passionately deeply because I truly do. When i'm old and grey sitting with her by the fire I want to look in her eyes and tell her I love her more deeply then i've ever Loved her with a free heart.
I don't need to trust her with my heart I give of my heart freely and wholly because I Love her. I know without a shadow of any doubt that she loves me I feel it every day.
crazylilting | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/11/2007 8:15:55 AM | Kudos Crazylilting....on a great response and how lucky of you to have found such a Love
as far as needing a piece of paper I can't agree more unless I decide to have children living together works for me...
people seem to change once they get that piece of paper..then I look at a couple like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell and that's the kind of relationship I want..to feel Loved but not feel caged in
Bella | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/11/2007 4:14:04 PM | | NO! i dated a man who was separated for quite awhile from his wife, we dated for about 3mths and were pretty serious but she was still always around calling and showing up at "their home" and it was tough, i ended it and told him once the divorce was final to feel free to contact me but until then he needed to finish what he started. Found out about 7mths later they were back together and giving it another shot. | |
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