| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/11/2007 4:26:00 PM | | If he has truly moved on and not on the rebound then I would. The ex will be there forever if children are involved and no piece of paper is going to change that. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/11/2007 4:41:18 PM | Broke my cardinal rule one time and it proved my case. Six months later he was STILL fighting to get the darn divorce.
Naw...I don't have time for that nonsense. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/11/2007 4:51:55 PM | | Separated with divorce within sight? Yes. Recently seperated? No. Seperated for an extended period of time with no divorce pending? No again. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/11/2007 5:05:40 PM | Broke my rule of never dating a separated guy, met one from POF seven months ago, he had been separated from the ex just over a year, While seeing each other she ran into financial problems, begged him to allow her and the kids to move back in. Twice shes tried to get him to get back together, they are too entwined between finances and the kids and many more obligations that have happened. Now has less and less time for me. Time for me to move on. Will never ever date another separated man. My advice, wait til the divorce is final...too easy for him to go back.  | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/11/2007 5:28:41 PM | | In some cases such as mine I'm separated and it is final, unfortunately you have to wait a year before you can file for divorce. I have dated men who are separated and had no problems with the ex and in another case the ex was a problem but not for him going back it was more she didn't want him but no one else could have him either, I was just not going to be part of that. That is why you take your time when getting to know anyone because everyone has an ex (whethered married or not) it can happen to any one. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/11/2007 5:30:08 PM | hell yeah, i'd date a guy that's separated providing he's not going back with his soon to be ex. there are reasons as to why he's not divorced as of yet and the same thing goes with me as well. my ex doesn't wanna pay for the divorce cuz he knows that if he pays then i can go to legal aid and get help. he also knows that i'm also going after the marital equity as well with the house that he and i shared and in order for him to pay me the approx. 45% of the house he's going to have to sell it or get a home equity loan and either way, he's not going to wanna put out any money. he also knows that i don't have the money right now to pay for a lawyer but let me get my hands on the money and the best lawyer around then he'll end up losing more than 45% of the equity of the house. 
oh, btw, i haven't been with my husband since 3/13/03 and he's got a snowballs chance in hell of ever getting back with me.
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 9:33:51 AM | Separated means still married. Even if the person says they've moved on, they are still married. Putting off a divorce for years due to financial issues is ridiculous unless you're Donald Trump and own millions in real assets. Even then, the lawyers want to conclude and get their final paycheck.
If you won't sign the divorce papers, it's because you like the situation you're in and don't want it to change, regardless of the reasons.
I might consider dating a separated man IF he has filed for divorce AND maintains a different residence. Easy enough to check public records on the first and leaving some of your things at his home would resolve the second. If he hasn't filed, then they are in stalemate and that's not the kind of situation in which I want to become entangled. Starting a new relationship with an unemcumbered person has enough roadblocks without adding the possibility of reconciliation or the influence of another person.
Just a thought...
:) | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 12:24:34 PM | Of course every person has to make a personal decision on whether to date or get involved with someone who is separated.
I've been legally separated for for almost six years. She lives 2300 miles away. We talk on the phone about a dozen times a year, exchange an occasional email. I haven't finalized our divorce because I can keep her under my medical coverage. She has a lot of medical and health problems and it's not hurting me at all to help her in this way. If it ever becomes an issue, on the off chance I ever get really serious about marrying someone else, then I'll finalize our divorce.
This arrangement, my extended separation, has only dissuaded one woman to not continue seeing me. We went out a few times and she said she really didn't want to get seriously involved with someone who wasn't available for a permanent relationship. She said she'd been through that before and didn't want to go down that road again. Hey, I understand. It's cool with me. She did say that I was more "available" than most guys she knew who were divorced.
Likewise, I would date a woman who was separated, and evaluate her availability the same as I would any other woman. Even women who are single or divorced may not be emotionally available or ready due to a past recent relationship or marriage. | |
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Kiyana
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Joined: 12/5/2006
Msg: 86 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 12:31:57 PM | I think this would entirely depend on the circumstances of the seperation. Is there a chance for reconciliation? Is there financial reasons for the divorce not having been completed? Are there children involved? The questions could be endless, but it all boils down to your own comfort and how much you trust the someone who is seperated.
Love should NEVER be held back, if what you feel is love. If you have fear and focus those fears to the relationship in question, then you will never see true and genuine love from it without always questioning it. I say...let go and give your heart freely....however be smart and make sure you communicate with this person and give yourself reassurance through said communication. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 12:33:32 PM | it depends on the individual and it depends on the situation...
I have been burned (babdly) in the past by someone who was seperated but not divorced...
I have been burned by someone never married and someone divorced...
I have also been less then incredible to some of the people I have dated (cause I was not ready to date at the time)...
So glad that you had the chat and hey be friends... have fun and don't sweat the turn out at the dating station ... it does go in cycles! | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 12:47:13 PM | Thanks for all the replies. You have all given me excellent comments/advice and personal viewpoints, a lot to mull over, for sure. Every time this man and I get together or talk on the phone, we end up having the same conversation. Then last night he told me that he could see himself married to me in the future. I told him that I still would not date him until after the divorce. I do enjoy his company, maybe too much, LOL, but I don't want to risk falling in love with him only to have him repeatedly tell me he doesn't see the need to get a divorce.
I am far from perfect. As one of you shares above, I too have been known to stomp on the heart of a man who may have been "the one". This happened many years ago, and though I liked him, I wasn't in love with him and didn't want to lead him on, but could have been kinder in the way I dumped him. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 12:53:04 PM | to me seperation means theyre still tied with their past relationship...it still exsists. if its over then finalize it....who cares who pays for it. dated a few that were seperated for years an still had feeling for the ex...one went back to the ex.....duh. i made sure i got my divorce before i started dating.....no need to bring someone into my life with unfinished business.
>>>>he doesn't see the need to get a divorce.
^^^^ says hes not ready to cut the ties. | |
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daisie
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Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 90 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 1:10:23 PM | I have dated separated men in the past. I would not do it again.
Actually the separated men I dated turned out to be wonderful long term relationships for me, so I'm not saying they all end in disaster. I have always beleived that if they are separated it means they are still married...and the priorities should be on reunitiing with his wife and family. In fact I always supported the guys returning to her. KIDS first priority...New Girlfriend (me) last priority. I did always give them the support to do that if it worked out that way.
Anyway now I still believe that same thing. Separated = married. And priorities should be on reuniting the family. Now I would not want to be distracting him and inteferring in that process.
I also prefer men to have more ALONE time to decompress and reevaluate themselves and what they did wrong and right in the relationship. He needs time to think and grow from it. I don't want a man who cannot handle being alone and accepting his mistakes. Those guys bug me. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 1:27:58 PM | | I am separated and will never get back with my ex. I have probably been separated longer then a lot have been divorced.........going on 8 years. There is a financial reason why I haven't divorced. There can be legitimate reasons why someone is not divorced but doesn't mean they are not capable of loving, If they just separated like just got a divorce then they probably are not ready yet but, if its been a long period of time then a complete different story. I think here everyone has to make up there own mind like the saying no baggage. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 1:28:17 PM |
and the priorities should be on reunitiing with his wife and family.
Not all separatees have had children. What about those without children?
I also prefer men to have more ALONE time to decompress and reevaluate themselves and what they did wrong and right in the relationship.
I dated a separated woman, no kids, plenty of alone time, she bought her own house.
Not to go into specifics, but sure SEPARATED=MARRIED, but SEPARATED sometimes = EMOTIONALLY DIVORCED with no snowball's chance in hell of getting reconciled with lots of free time on one's hands. Every separated scenario is different, that's why it makes no sense to attempt to simplify a complex situation by making knee-jerk reactions. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 1:31:57 PM | | Another thing..........I know people and of people that have got divorced and then remarried not once but...............so there you go.....................whats the difference???? Can't tell if the divorced person is going to or will anymore then the separated one............ | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 1:32:26 PM | | Another thing..........I know people and of people that have got divorced and then remarried not once but...............so there you go.....................whats the difference???? Can't tell if the divorced person is going to or will anymore then the separated one............ | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 1:44:01 PM | | I can say from real experience I will never date a man who is separated again. There is the chance they will go back with their spouse and especially so if they have a child/children. I had met a wonderful man online. We had such a wonderful time together, had the same likes and dislikes and he swore he did not love her nor would he go back. After seeing him for 10 months he called one day and said I'm moving back home. He told me I was good for him and that enjoyed being with me. Well... he broke my heart good and proper and go with what feels comfortable to you and you have already answered your question. After my experience I will never date a separated man because I will not live in the shadows of someones wife. Good luck... there is a wonderful man out there for you, but you will not find it on the internet. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 1:46:20 PM | I would have to look at how long they had been separated. If they separated 2 months ago, he is probably in a lot of turmoil. If it has been like 2 years, then I say go ahead and talk.
And just because he says he's going back home that doesnt mean thats what he's doing. That is just his "out" clause for getting out of YOUR relationship. But I know that I am NEVER going back. | |
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mar814
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Joined: 11/16/2006
Msg: 97 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 1:57:52 PM | | I'm dating a 'separated' man. It has its plus side, namely, since he isn't legally free we are forced to take it slow. I was married for twenty years myself, and I'm not in any hurry to remarry myself, so having this limitation works for me. I understand that they can always reconcile, and that is a risk with this choice. But no one gets any gurantees anyway so I will live with that risk. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 2:21:35 PM | I would never consider getting involved with someone that I thought was romantically involved with elsewhere. However, a piece of paper is just a legal document. It doesn't imply that such a relationship exists. I see it as meaningless when the relationship is over. The man I love is separated: he's been separated a long time, not that that makes any difference. I never thought of 'separated' as being any different from 'single' -- other than for those who want to get married, then it would make for a bit more paperwork. I've no interest in getting married, I am happy if he never gets divorced, it's irrelevant to me. If he stays with me it will be his free choice to do that in each moment, I want no promises from him, all they would do is limit him... and me, and the way we express our love for each other.
The other issues people have brought up -- I don't see what his finances would have to do with me, they are his own business. Unless people are investing together or borrowing from each other, it seems irrelevant. As for questions of reconciliation with the ex... if he wanted to be with her he still would. I'm not worried he's going to want to be with anyone other than me, partly because I know his heart and partly because if he found greater happiness I'd be wishing him well.
I actually think marriage should be phased out. It's outdated. People have stupidly romantic ideas about it and too frequently try to save their failing relationships with legal documents, creating cages to try to hold on to an idea of being intimate and together with disastrous consequences and years of suffering trying to make the unworkable work because of the promise. Being together is something that involves hearts and consistent impulses over time, not bits of paper and a promise made in one moment. People have no need to be bound together in such a way. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 2:54:53 PM | This particular individual situation is complex, and I don't think there are any quick, or set-in-stone answers.
If it were not for the fact that the OP cited a previous involvement of some sort with the separated person, I'd say to NOT date him. But apparently there is a past history between the 2 of them.
OP, if you can live with the possibility of it being a long time, or maybe NEVER,before you could formalize(get married) your relationship with this man, if you can deal with a certain amount of stress, drama, and aggravation,if you are OK with the risk that you might be a "rebound" or "port in a storm" relationship,then go ahead and date him.
If not, and if you can be a FRIEND without tying up your heart(or his) that works too.
But you are kind of walking into a minefield, girl! Is he worth it?( and I mean that as a question for serious consideration,NOT a rhetorical one!)
I suspect you probably have some reservations or you never would have posted a thread soliciting other members input. And the fact that you HAVE those reservations might make it OK for this particular case,since you already know that a relationship with this guy could be challenging and complex. I guess all I can say is, weigh your options, weigh the good parts against the risks, and do what feels right to YOU.
Cindy O | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 3:40:36 PM | ^^^^^ Thanks, ladyC4,
You are right re my reservations. The past history is that many years ago we became friends through a working relationship. He was married at the time and I was living with someone. Though we had amazing chats and got along very well, there were no romantic inclinations at that time. I always thought he was a very nice guy, a real gentleman.
The time we have spent together in recent weeks has confirmed that my first impressions of him were/are right on the money. I know it sounds corny, but he would do anything for me, and I trust him completely.
He is definitely worth it. I just have to decide if I am willing to enter a relationship with him as things stand now. He and his ex have absolutely no interest in getting back together. He just doesn't see the need to get a divorce if he is never going to remarry.
I do have a date on Saturday night with someone else I met on here. The second man is aware that the first one is around as a friend. I am very interested in spending time with the second man because he and I share the same values and are also looking for the same things in a relationship. I interacted with him at a recent POF gathering, and saw potential in him. He has a great sense of humour, which will always turn my head.
Thanks again for your input.
Happy fishing! | |
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