| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 4:19:10 PM |
He just doesn't see the need to get a divorce if he is never going to remarry.
My initial reaction was to say this is OK if marriage is no important to YOU...but the more I think about it," He just doesn't see the need to get a divorce if he is never going to remarry" bothers me. I have to caution you girl, if you get into a serious relationship with this guy, DO NOT ever totally depend on him to be there for you if the chips are down...he might not see the need to stand by you if you were sick or in trouble.
I don't disagree with you that he may be a helluva nice guy, and a gentleman, but were I you, I'd keep this at "friendship" until he demonstrates that he CAN "man up" and have the balls to make a decision that IS a DECISION.
Confucius say, "man who straddles fence is in danger of hurting balls."
Cindy O | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 6:09:38 PM | | Hi there. I have dated and fallen hard for a man that is seperated. Only now to have his wife come back and want him now that I have him. Would I do this again...Hell no! Its like personal torture. He will feel obligated, and the guilt factor alone is outstanding he'll go back. They always do. | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 6:41:21 PM | | Separated is still married. I don't understand people who are in transition between marriage and singledom ~ yet feel that they HAVE to have someone in their life...right NOW. For me, he needs to be legally divorced and for a length of time. I have no interest in being someone's time filler while he figures out who he is, why his marriage failed and if he intends to return to the ex. No thanks. Inevitably, someone gets hurt ~ and it's usually not the separated party. JMO | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 7:39:51 PM | VGE, see here's the thing. Just because a man or woman is separated doesn't mean that their social life is NECESSARILY in limbo. The person could have been emotionally separated for a long time before the formal separation. Now of course the separatee could be carrying around baggage. I'm not suggesting that we all go out and seek separatees to date. But SOME are dateable. While you date, you decide if their emotional state is stable, and it's not necessarily the separatee that is unhurt in this type of relationships. Not all separatees return to their marriages. I'd think current divorce rates would suggest the opposite. Also, I see no reason why we should believe that divorcees have more solid emotionally stability than separatees. I have known several divorcees who have returned to their Xs in rather clandestine ways--both men friends AND women friends.
Regarding the length of time a separatee/divorcee should wait: I'd try putting the separation shoe on your foot. Say you know without a doubt you will not reconcile--returning to the X isn't an option. You are not looking for "time filler" but have experience in knowing what doesn't work for you in a relationship; you have "figured out" who you are by dealing with and putting behind you emotional stress; you have understood why your marriage failed--it was a two way street. How long would you wait? Is separation mean some sort of dating penalty you have to pay?? Everyone has different emotional recovery times.
Definitely there are inherent risks in dating separatees. But there are definite benefits if you happen to find someone with whom you share chemistry and they just happen to be separated. You never know unless you try--love is unconditional. Alright I'm off the soapbox. For now. | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 8:07:25 PM | Regarding the length of time a separatee/divorcee should wait: I'd try putting the separation shoe on your foot. Say you know without a doubt you will not reconcile--returning to the X isn't an option. You are not looking for "time filler" but have experience in knowing what doesn't work for you in a relationship; you have "figured out" who you are by dealing with and putting behind you emotional stress; you have understood why your marriage failed--it was a two way street. How long would you wait? Is separation mean some sort of dating penalty you have to pay?? Everyone has different emotional recovery times.
I refrained from dating for well over a year post divorce. I was separated nearly a year prior to the divorce (so two years without dating.) I had a social life ~ but I didn't need a man to do so. I knew that after a marriage, separation, divorce, etc., that I needed to do some serious work on myself. Which is exactly what I did. It would have been a very selfish, self-serving situation had I added a man to the mix. I had my hands full trying to figure out how I failed in my marriage.
Not many people in the midst of a failing relationship know, without fail, what they will and won't accept in a new relationship. That takes time, a lot of reflection and a lot of knowledge/learning of one's self. That rarely happens while you are in the middle of a failing relationship. That failure IS your life at that time.
And for the record, I don't care what others do or don't do. I was merely stating what will and won't work for me. I consider separated still married. That won't work for me. If you aren't bothered by it ~ dive in. It's not something I'm interested in. JMO
EDIT: Unconditional love? Sigh. Other than our children, love comes with conditions (ie: lying/cheating are conditions of adult romantic love) Nothing is condition-free when you are talking romatic love. And yes, being married to another person while seeing me is off limits ~ a condition so to speak. | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 8:34:39 PM | Didn't mean "social life", more like "romantic life". We all emotionally heal at different rates and therefore are ready to seek out romance again.
I can't speak directly for separatees or divorced people since I've never married.
But I have dated separated women; one woman was separated for less than half a year, I believe what she told me (she was very straight-forward with her feelings), I didn't sense she was laying it on thick, her marriage had been pretty much "dead" for two or more years before she met me, she was ready to seek romance and ready to move past her marriage. Only thing was her husband was a lawyer looking to take her for whatever he could get, she had to be careful with the settlement otherwise risk financial hardships (who knows what kind of debts her husband was ringing up during the separation, debts SHE would be half responsible).
Dating a separatee definitely can work under the right circumstances. I mentioned before that separated women might be safer for a guy to date than the reverse scenario (the separated guy is more likely to get financially taken, therefore he is more likely to consider reconciliation).
So tread carefully with separatees--I believe all the stories I've read here from women commenting about bad experiences with separated men. The opposite scenario is just as true--colleague friend of mine, he was RAKED emotionally and financially by his X during his separation, he definitely was damaged emotionally but recovered enough right around his divorce to be ready to look for new romantic opportunities. | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 8:41:58 PM | | WELL THANKS EVERYONE ............I GUESS I NEEDED TO HEAR FEEDBACK ON THIS ISSUE...ALSO....MY FEELINGS TOWARD IT, IS THAT I'M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT, BECUASE THEY ARE STILL MARRIED. NO MATTER HOW SUPER A GUY CAN BE AND HOW MUCH YOU SEEM TO HAVE IN COMMON, THERE'S THAT 99.9% CHANCE WHO WILL BE HURTING IN THE END...:run | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 9:36:00 PM | | I agree with you. I fell hard for a guy I dated last fall who I initially shyed away from because he was only separated. He said since he was separated a year there was no way he was going back. Yeah right. Do to financial circumstances and trying to maintain a complete family for his 2 little kids (which I can't fault him for) he went back. Hurt pretty bad and I would be pretty reluctant to date a man who is only separated again. Then again, my ex dragged his feet and stretched out our separation nearly 3 years, but I was never taking him back so the girl he was dating never had to worry LOL. | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 9:45:19 PM | right on sjmh. i am in the same situation and it would up to me to pay for it all.
i will 6 yrs on my own this summer,
we havent lived togethewr for over 7years as husband and wife
i have never had any problems with with the men i have dated and had a relation with.
its ridiculous,,,,,,, | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/22/2007 9:55:36 PM | Everybody has the right to their own opinions. I have no problem dating a separated guy. If people don't want to date me- that is ok- I consider it their loss.
Divorce is only cheap if both parties agree on everything. Well, I have spent thousands trying to rid myself from the X- it is money well spent to get out of it. Yes, I put my money where my mouth is- it is more important to get divorced than go on an exotic vacation. | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/23/2007 11:48:08 AM |
I will never date a separated man because I will not live in the shadows of someones wife
Do we not all live in the shadows of previous lovers? I had two women I was keen on drop me after a couple of dates when they went back to previous boyfriends. (Or so they said. Maybe I was just dumped.LOL)
I needed to do some serious work on myself. Which is exactly what I did. It would have been a very selfish, self-serving situation had I added a man to the mix. I had my hands full trying to figure out how I failed in my marriage.
At risk of sounding arrogant (which I admit I frequently do), I did not fail in my marriage. I'm damn near perfect. My ex failed (due to alcoholism, which I developed a very good understanding of in the late stages of the marriage and have learned to shy away from now.) So I haven't needed to "do [any] serious work on myself." I'm fine. And had a valid social life essentially single for five years before getting separated. In the OP's situation, her potential new man has also had lots of time alone should he have needed it.
All that said, to the OP: if your man doesn't see the need to get moving on the papers in order to keep your attention, he isn't showing much empathy and should be kicked to the curb on that count. | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/24/2007 2:16:40 PM |
I agree with you. I fell hard for a guy I dated last fall who I initially shyed away from because he was only separated. He said since he was separated a year there was no way he was going back. Yeah right. Do to financial circumstances and trying to maintain a complete family for his 2 little kids (which I can't fault him for) he went back. Hurt pretty bad and I would be pretty reluctant to date a man who is only separated again. Then again, my ex dragged his feet and stretched out our separation nearly 3 years, but I was never taking him back so the girl he was dating never had to worry LOL.
Seems women think men are the only ones who go back to their ex when seperated...when did this only happen?
Also when did divorced mean never going back? Seems no one wants to touch that question. | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/24/2007 7:00:56 PM | Well this is a thread that hits home!
I am separated and not married yet and there are a few reasons behind that.
1..I have no frucking clue where the deadbeat loser is (walked out on me almost 3 yrs ago)
2..A drained bank account by above said loser
3..A divorce isn't required if there is no plans for getting remarried
4..Need to file for divorce in the state where I was married
Being separated doesn't mean that you cannot commit to a relationship fully. It merely means you cannot get married immediately.
Legal separations are required in some provinces/states before a divorce can be put through the system.
Judge not those who have their own personal reasons for not being divorced. For once you judge you are judging yourself equally.
My humble opinion as always
Sher
Side note..... been separated for 3 years..healing time is done time to move on.. | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/24/2007 7:05:40 PM | I did , and wouldn't ever do it again.
to each their own but I found *every* separated person I've encountered felt as though they were in limbo and unsure of so many things , plus many rush into dating again (I said many , not all!)
whether it be through divorce or enough time spent to mourn the loss of the previous relationship ,everyone needs that downtime before jumping back in again. | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/24/2007 9:19:18 PM | I think it depends on the individuals involved. Communication is key. It is very important to see where their heads and hearts are at. Look at how long they have been separated. If it is more than a year or two find out why there is no divorce. And if there are kids involved it is a more sensitive issue.
I would just stay friends, most people in the early to mid stages of separation are still in a state of reflection....and in a real time of growth. Again it depends on the individual and where they are at, I have seen separated poeple meet the right person for them and soon pursued and finalized the divorce. But like everything in dating there is always a risk, no risk, no gain...always go with your heart and gut....nothing is always black and white  | |
|
| |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/25/2007 5:57:18 AM | Just an FYI here people
A legal separation is essentially a divorce. It is a necessary document in most provinces and states and gives you all the same aspects of a divorce prior to the final decree.
If there are support, alimony, custody, asset issues all of them are dealt with in the separation agreement.
For some, who don't have any inclination to ever get remarried a divorce is an unnecessary expense. You still have to pay for the legal separation (in my case $400US).
We as separated and not divorced are not societal pariahs. We have our reasons for not having the final divorce decree which could run a gammet of reasons.
Don't judge a person just because they haven't spent the money for that piece of paper. We are still capable of sharing, giving, loving, caring, emotional committment, etc. When we are ready, willing and sometimes able to get the divorce we will.
If that isn't enough, give us the money to pay for the damned piece of paper. Personally for me it's a $2000US piece of paper.
My humble opinion as always
Sher
ps.. most marriages/divorces are not clear cut black and white..take off the rose colored glasses and see the grey area that engulfs this tender subject | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/25/2007 2:23:10 PM | If they are serious they will file for divorce as soon as they are emotionally ready and the law allows. I personally find the law in this region, and its bureaucracy, seem to purposely drag its heals trying to impose a generalized morality in this matter.
So how is this for a more personal answer to your question from a separated man? Then maybe some people will understand.
Enough is enough in a bad marriage with a negative wife who absolutely refused to seek professional help for some serious issues. I accept that I was completely foolish in thinking that I could help someone even if they adamantly didn’t want to help themselves. Nothing and nobody can help someone who doesn’t want help. All that ended up happening was the negativity eventually infected me. If I can pass on one piece of advice it is to not do what I did. Also, marriage doesn’t fix or improve anything either! Marry for the right reasons. I married for the wrong reasons and paid a price on my psyche for it for years. The separation should have happened sooner but human nature always tries to fix things even when it shouldn’t.
The separation allowed me the time to be alone with my emotions, to grieve and, most importantly, to heal. Suffice to say that I learned some important life lessons the hard way but sometimes that is how we have to grow and gain wisdom. When I came out the other end of the healing process, I was my own best friend again. I was positive, full of energy and had a new zeal for life itself. I also made a deep vow. I wasn’t going to let my x-wife and that bad marriage ruin another day of my life or ever affect me again!!!
My message to those who have been separated for years:
I was more than happy to pay to get the divorce process started once the law allowed. It was the best money that I have ever spent!!! If you have to save for it then do it! For the sake of getting on with life to its fullest, don’t waste time waiting for the other x-partner to pay. To heck with the x-partner and his/her agenda! You are letting your x-partner affect your life still. You are your own best friend, do it for you!!!. Life is to short to for you not to!!!
There you have it. All I ask the opposite gender to do is to be fair and please not impose a generalized morality. The shoe doesn’t always fit. | |
|
| |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/25/2007 8:35:02 PM | I really find this post intriguing. I am separated and this question really made me think. I was angry that some of the responses were "NO" then I thought about it... and what I came up with is as follows..One of the reasons I'm still separated and not divorced is because you have to be separated for 1 year first. Second is the financial obstacle, yes it can be as little as 1500.00 but hey in my mind that's a trip to the carribean. Then some other considerations are yes I still have feelings for him and I'm not sure if I'm ready for a Divorce or at least to be the one to file for it, which is silly considering I initiated the separation process maybe regretfully so in hindsight.
Also interesting is that I find myself not wanting to connect with someone who is separated because I too would wonder if it was really over and how much of myself do I invest into the relationship. On the other hand most people have a past which includes a romantic relationship so by this standard of not dating someone who is separated esentially we are saying we don't want that person to have a romantic past. It doesnt matter if they were married and are now separated what about those who dated exclusively for years, never married maybe common-law and split up, the chance of them re-kindling is just as great as having been married and separated. Just something to think about. I know I do all the time.... | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/25/2007 8:58:18 PM | | But is it not always the men who go back and women never do? From the soudns of it on this thread, all the women say no way and believe that a man will never go back once he is officially divorced. Women on the otherhand when they seperate it is considered for good...no clue why this is... | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/25/2007 9:37:55 PM | has anyone brought up the law in certain states?? in north carolina you have to be legaly seperated for a fulll year before you can get divorced? i think it would suck if you met a great person and they wouldnt date you just because your not divorced.you can meet alot of people in a year and actually become a whole diffirent person in that time frame. | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/26/2007 4:04:42 AM | I don't even look at any profiles that say separated. I was separated for almost a year before the divorce and had no interest in meeting anyone at that time anyway, was just enjoying the peace and quiet of being alone (with the kids of course). but this is just me.
If you want to be divorced, do it. If there are laws regarding being divorced for a certain period of time, deal with that. But, if you really feel the need to date or find someone else while just separated, then you have to accept that someone you meet may not feel ok about it.
For the guy who keeps mentioning that women go back after the separation or divorce, and it is not just men who date while separated, no one is saying it is just men. The subject say would you date "someone" who is separated. Just looks like maybe more women are replying on the subject. | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/26/2007 4:12:09 AM | i'm seperated and the only reason i havent divorced yet is that my stepdaughter is taking exams this year
the divorce will mean the sale of the house and we feel that she wont need the extra pressure during that time
my ex intends moving out of the area once everything is sorted and her daughter has left school and it would be unfair of me to jeperdise her exam results | |
|
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/26/2007 10:59:51 AM | Well than ovious he is thinking about getting divorced..Well as long as you think that there is no way they would ever get back together than go for it..but if you have doubts than chances are they probably will get back together...Some people separate to see if thats what they really want then come to their sences and relize their marriage is more important...Well if you think it could work between you's and you understand the situtation he is in than go for it...BEST OF LUCK  | |
|
Home
login 
