| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/4/2007 1:08:00 PM |
I can understand why lots of men and women have trepidatons about dating the separated for whatever reason. Fine, all I have to say is life and human relationships are very complicated.
To assume that every separated person is prone to reconcile with their separated partner is foolish. Just as foolish to assume that all divorced people never have hanky panky with their X.
I have dated separated women, have no regrets, and would do it again. Communication is key in any relationship to know where one's emotional state is at.
If considering dating a separatee, it definitely is important to know where his/her head is at regarding what kind of contact he/she has with his/her X.
It isn't a matter if they are reconciling or not...By law and by and good conscienced person knows that if the paper's aren't signed and the marriage resolved, that person is still MARRIED. And I believe that husband or spouse should sue both the man/woman and her lover for breach of contract. It does not matter how complicated the sitaution is. If we are willing to make exceptions to the rules with this simple concept...We might, as well do it for every stinking notion or idea a person has in order for them to be right.
So, in short, if you are separated...YOU ARE MARRIED! and are OFF-LIMITS! Yes it sucks. But, you have to make a choice, is holding on to whatever it is worth putting your romantic pursuits on hold or are you willing to add to the moral decay of this world. And this has very little to do with my religious beliefs. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/5/2007 2:15:00 AM | The law defines a contract as a meeting of the minds. Marriages are contracts.
The law also recognizes that a contract can be broken by a single action. Many laws exist to deal with the consequences of such actions. Divorce is a consequence of a broken contract, it is not what breaks the contract. It is an acknowledgment of and accommodation to the fact that a meeting of the minds no longer exists.
I have known unmarried couples who were much more married than any contract could have made them. I have known married couples who could not (and should not!) have been married by any stack of contracts, legion of priests or battalion of lawyers.
The debate here, really, is about when a marriage ends.
Count me among those who feel a marriage ends when it has been shot dead, not when someone gets around to issuing a death certificate.
VGuy | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/5/2007 7:53:57 AM | So what's the difference between going out with someone who was married, and someone who was with a significant other (dating) for a time ? Aside from the vows, even in a committed relationship there are boundaries that are adhered to in both situations. There's always a chance that they'll go back to their ex in either situation.
Here's a short list of reasons I've heard:
"I don't want to settle" - that's fine. I'm sure they don't want to settle for someone that will force opposing views down their throat until they choke.
"He still loves his ex." - sure, until she puts him through the ringer. That will kill any chance of love returning.
"Oh, but there are kids involved" - that can happen in non-married relationships as well.
"I don't want to deal with his ex" - EVERYBODY has an ex. Stop making excuses.
"I don't want the drama" - drama comes in many forms, and can happen at anytime to anyone regardless of if they are separated or not. Think hard about one of your ex's.
"He's still married technically" - Yes you bible thumper you. Do you also leave a 15% tip?
"He doesn't have the money to pay for dinner" - do you ?
"A divorce is cheap - he's still hanging on to their marriage" - Sure. You're obviously right. A divorce only costs...$500? Get real. Even an uncontested divorce runs at least $2500 - contested? $15000+ easily. Pocket change right?
I love how people that have never been married before can try to justify in their own mind that separation = marriage. Forgive me - but what cloud did you just drop from? Your views are just that...YOUR uninformed views. With 40% of marriages ending in divorce, do you even realize how many of those are separated? Or how many aren't even included in that statistic as it's dealing with final divorces ?
Closing the door on a seperatee, while sure there can be drama, is pretty close minded of people on a dating site looking to find prospective dates. And EVERY relationship has drama involved regardless of what the previous relationships were. It only takes two people willing to make it work, and if it does work you've just overcome the biggest obstacle you'll ever face together - so what's left to overcome?
Just another thing to add to the ever growing grocery list of demands that people have, and another excuse as to why people can't find a date...
/flame on. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/5/2007 5:12:18 PM | | ryouforme...this man you speak of is not yet capable of being in a relationship! He still has way too many ties to his wife. There are alot of legal things he needs to work out, as well as emotional and mental ones. You, along with everyone else, deserves someone who can focus solely on you! Now, if the divorce was just pending, I would say stick it out...but he hasn't even started the process (which can be quite extensive by the way!)... | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/5/2007 8:29:18 PM | I am legally separated & I am not even on speaking terms with my ex. The only way we communicate whatsoever is through lawyers. Even the children are not even on friendly terms with him. There is no way in hell I'd take him back and besides that he has been living with another woman for over a year. Does that mean that I'm not entitled to having any company? Does this mean that I should be shunned because I was once married and now I am in limbo where I just might be for several years not necessarily by choice?
For all of you who would never ever date a separated indidvidual - you should also make a pledge to never date anyone who was once married or even seriously involved with anyone because there is a chance of reconcilliation or a little something on the side! Besides that if you are that insecure I would doubt that anyone would seriously consider dating you anyway.
So now think about it. Is this man available or isn't he? It's the person - not the status! | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/5/2007 8:45:29 PM | | classy_lady99...I am curious why you are still in limbo if your ex is such an ass? And how do you really hope to move on with someone else without first tying up these loose ends? I think you hit the key note when you asked "is this man available or isn't he?" And the answer is...if he still has ties with another woman then he isn't available to focus completely on you. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/5/2007 9:01:10 PM | I can see you are 26 and divorced already. Must have been a rather weak attempt at it. Good thing you don't have any children. Try investing 23 years with someone and accumulating assets with children involved and see just how easy it is!
By limbo I simply mean it is going to take experts and professionals to assess our assets as we cannot even come remotely close to an agreement. He would sooner give it to all the lawyers in Canada before giving any of it to his children. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/5/2007 9:05:57 PM | | 26, divorced, and NOT bitter actually. Thanks for pointing it out. I wasn't making a swipe at you in my comment, but you sure as hell did a good job of making one at me (BTW...did you know you're not allowed to do that on POF forums??? But I will forgive you.)! Actually, to set the matters straight...we made a great attempt at it, counseling and the whole bit. But we got married too young without realising we wanted different things out of life. Now we are both happy and still friends. Still doesn't change what I said about the subject at hand not being able to fully focus on the new relationship. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/5/2007 9:15:35 PM | Thanks for setting the record straight. I do maintain my stance though as this could be the 10 year separation that we have all heard about.
I have been in business since I was 19, raised 3 kids, been the hockey mom, wife, business owner, politician - you name it.
I am quite capable of multi-tasking!
I wish you all the best on pof. | |
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SNYGRL
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Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 161 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/5/2007 9:31:55 PM | ryouforme,
If he has not technically asked you out on a date, then why are you putting yourself through so much mysery of whether or not you're comfertable in dating someone seperated or not? To me, if he hasn't asked you out, then maybe he's not interested in "technically" dating you. Maybe he just misses your company, and seeing a pretty face that flirts makes him feel good again, maybe even wanted...but still he is not ready for dating???
As for would you or wouldn't you date someone thats seperated, well that depends on WHY said person is seperated to begin with. Just because someone is seperated, doesn't mean that person should be off limits to the dating society. They could be seperated from an abusive relationship, unloving relationship and so on. There are MANY reasons someone is seperated....What is this man's?? | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/5/2007 10:16:49 PM | .....well.being rather new at "being separated" after 40 yrs. of marriage to one man...
I can tell you that from my standpoint that before we "separated" I felt like I was locked into an emotional and physical "Prison" and that was where I was gonna die. Sex was more of a
"physical exam" and another duty to perform..like washing the dishes or clothes etc...
..I"ve since "dated" several men....who have "Enlightened" me to the fact that what I thought was "drudgeary"...when "served up" right ...was a wonderful experience!....none of them I might add were the least bit concerned about my personal affairs. Only "one" out of
the "several" was even concerned at all....I'm not gonna let some "faded" yesteryear" paperwork
keep me from enjoying what time I have left on this earth. He broke the "marital Bond" as far as I"m concerned when he told me he"d found another woman.I haven't seen him in about a year and I'm a totally different person now and there is absolutely no way in H&H I'd ever
be with him again now. like "Reba Macintre"s" song: "Is there life out there?".......You better
know it and believe it!..So if some guy tries to give you static about separation/divorce
issues...just look him square in the eyeball and tell him: "The day you pass a watermelon thru
the head of you penis...that"s the day you can tell me how to organize my life"....(lol)...... | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/6/2007 1:18:37 AM | hi,
i am young, and female, but i have been married and im getting divorced in april. my situation prevents me from getting divorced because we were married for under two years, therefore we have to wait a year before we can file for one.
my answer to u is yes. it is a scary thought being with someone who is separated not divorced, but whether someone is divorced or not doesnt mean that the feelings they express are false. its over between the two that is why they are separated. divorce is final, but it wont stop someone from going back if that is what they want to do. i think it depends on the time they have been separated and how deeply u feel for this man.
i believe that u should take a risk, you only live once and sometimes its good to get out of your comfort zone. | |
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lxboy
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Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 164 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/6/2007 1:54:59 AM | As a recently separated man, I am not looking for a new relationship yet. But that does not mean to say that I will not be ready before the divorce is finalized. Right now I do not know what the future holds, but I am here looking to meet new people and make new friends. My situation is different than anyone else's, and I would really appreciate the opportunity to get to know someone as myself without having to bring up my incomplete divorced status. Of course if someone doesn't want to date me when I am ready for dating just because my divorce is not final, then I don't really want to date that person either, because open mindedness is a very important quality to me in a friend/partner.
The short version - saying you won't date someone just because they are separated is the same as sating you won't date someone because they are 5'3" tall, or because they have brown hair.
One thing I have learned in my short time on this planet is that every person is different, and every person reacts to / interacts with another person differently than a third person will. That is, just because you don't like somebody doesn't mean that I won't.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that everyone should date separated people (or even be willing to), I'm just saying that to say that just because someone is separated they are not dating material is closed minded and unfair.
Thanks for listening to me ramble...... | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/6/2007 6:52:48 AM | | I think if a person is seperated, then you should not be getting involved till you are fully deviriced. My gf was seperated, for how long i don't know. And no hint of gettign devoriced. And ontop of that, she was spending nights at his house bcuase of the kids. They have joint codusty. I think its a damgerious game being with someone that is seperated. You don't know whats going on with the other partner. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/6/2007 7:46:41 AM |
think its a damgerious game being with someone that is seperated. You don't know whats going on with the other partner. you do know what is going on with a separatee if you learn good communication skills, execute them, and have a decent amount of common sense. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/7/2007 5:29:56 PM | SNYgirl,
Please see my final response on page 6. It clearly states that I am now dating said gentleman. I'd rather be with him and happy than apart from him and unhappy.
He married his (most recent) exwife on the rebound from his first marriage. Any affection felt by either him or his second wife faded quickly. They tried to make it work, but after many years realized that they were better off apart.
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/7/2007 6:25:36 PM | | Don't even think about it till he gets divorced. Among other reasons, his wife might want to try to work things out, and you most definitely do not want to get yourself into a love triangle. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/7/2007 6:33:54 PM | words. just words.
divorce isn't when you break ties with them..likely there are children involved, so that means there is always a connection. the only reason to be divorced is if there is a need for one party to remarry. otherwise what difference does it make? a piece of paper does not dictate a person's feelings for another..when you signed the marriage certificate that didn't mean that it would unequivocably work (duh). its inside, not on paper that counts.
i say go with your heart.
good luck!! | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/9/2007 10:30:00 PM | If you casually (not intimately) date or stay friends with someone separated it's no biggy. But watch out if you start to fall for him.
Here's a few quotes from Todd & Dormen "How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce" ...
"If dating a single man is Dating 101, dating a separted man is dating on a graduate level - like, doctorate ... 'Each divorce is the death of a small civilization' , says novelist Pat Conroy ... Need another metaphor? 'Divorce is like a huge boulder crashing into a small pond,' says Dr. Judith Sills, a Philadelphia clinical psychologist. 'It creates a wave. That wave takes a lot of people down with it'. A not-quite-divorced man is high-risk love. No, not quite as high-risk as an affair with a married man. But way, way up there ... taking a risk means putting yourself in the path of happy opportunity. And taking a risk also means increasing the possibility of pain."
"Why This Devil is Dangerous ...
When you fall in love with a separated man, something is missing. It's the fear. He doesn't seem to have any. He's one big welcoming embrace ... a divorcing man's absence of natural caution ... it's dangerous ... it means that the only grown-up around is you ... you'd think someone would have figured out how to bottle whatever it is these guys give off in order to sell it to dateless single guys and make a zillion dollars. A separated man couples with mate-for-life intensity and speed ... It will feel like you're married ... and he is ... but not to you."
Do you want to take the risk of standing by him for a year or two ... or even more ... till his divorce is final and then find out you are transition girlfriend?
If you really want to go for it this book is priceless ... it will help you keep your sanity and help you minimize the risk. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/10/2007 12:14:16 AM | | As a recently seperated woman . I think it is perfectly ok to date someone who is only "seperated" My ex and I have no chance of getting back together . We do have a small child together and in the state I am from we both have to attend "parenting" classes before we can even do the divorce . So in the mean time why would i punish myself of possibly not being able to find someone who is perhaps my soulmate because i am not "divorced" Marriage isnt just a piece of paper. Its a bond and a love. So its perfectly ok if that love and bond isnt there anymore and all thats left is the technical part of it. I say do what feels good to you. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/10/2007 12:53:11 AM | Hi tara-tee
I am in the same boat as you, i was only married to my ex for 1yr, and we have been seperated for 2yrs this march the 1st.
We still see each other though because we have a daughter together, but we are trully over and my ex has another partner, who seems to be a decent bloke.
So come this march i will be filing for divorce, we both have spoken and have everything sorted out on what we both want from it, sounds bad but this means it will be easier and quicker.
So yes i would see a seperated person as long as they were completly honest with me about it. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/10/2007 1:54:00 AM | | I think I would - but not just anyone that walked into view. I think each person should be taken on a case by case basis, and not all held to the same flat judgement. Everyone's reasonings for not having the divorce finalized yet is so different from someone elses - I think you'd be able to tell the good ones from the bad pretty easy. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/19/2007 11:21:14 AM | Separated does not necessarily mean that you are tied or bound to that person any more than if you are divorced. You can be divorce and still have a desire to reconcile or long for that person.
People don't complete the divorce for a multitude of reasons, many of which have already been stated. It could be financial, although it isn't that expensive to complete. One good reason, in the situation where kids are involved, is insurance/co-insurance. Really, isn't it just a piece of paper... a piece of paper is not going to determine how your heart feels.
If a person is separated and tells you that there are no ties, then you have to trust that it is a true statement. If it turns out not to be, then chances are this person would be lying - divorced or not.
It is my opinion that one should not judge based on this criteria, you could be missing out on someone great. You should, however have a discussion so that both parties understand the parameters of the 'separation'. | |
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