| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/19/2007 11:57:27 AM | There was a similar discussion to this recently on the UK forums.
I think people put too much trust into a certificate.
It means nothing... it's the person you need to trust!
I had a couple of dates with someone who was divorced yet clearly still in love with her ex. She even admitted that she let him have sex with her!!!
Does that then mean we should avoid divorced people?
Of course not!
And the same should apply to those who have never married or are seperated. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/21/2007 8:58:38 AM | As a separated man I must agree, the author makes some very interesting points, however their are always exceptions to the norm.
There are no guarantees to any relationship. A man can be separated, divorced. just plain single,or widowed..yadda yadda yadda. Entering a relationship with any of the above does not necessarily spell success. You can still become the transitional girlfriend after a period of time. Finding and maintaining a continuous loving partner was and will remain a virtual crap shoot. Charging full speed ahead, damn the torpedos style of a pursuit will undoubtedly end in disaster.
As singles in search of the ultimate partner we must go slow. Sex does not bring the relationship to maturity.
Was sex the umtimate goal or the culmination and affirmation of a committment?
And yet.................still no guarantee. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/21/2007 11:43:38 AM | Some people have been known to reconcile after a brief separation, some don't. Of those who reconcile, some make it and others do not. There are no guarantees. Couples have also been known to carry through with a divorce, only to remarry a few years later.
I have been separated since 1997. My Ex and I have absolutely no intention of reconciling. We have never battled over children or property, never hired lawyers or filed paperwork, and we have managed to remain friends. Throughout the years since we made the decision we have each had things that took priority (financially) over spending the money on a piece of paper that tells us something we already know.
I have assisted someone with a "do-it-yourself" divorce. Even when you do all the paperwork, there are no assets to be negotiated, no minor children to consider and it is uncontested, a divorce is not cheap.
If/when one of us were to meet someone and wished to remarry, then obviously we'd need to get it taken care of but for right now, that money would be better spent on many other things.
My point? Everyone should be considered on an individual basis. Once again, there is no "blanket policy" (teehee - sorry, couldn't help it) that covers all dating situations. Just as we look at one's attributes, so should we look at that individual's situation. If it's against your religious or cultural beliefs, or your personal morals (such as our OP), to date someone who is not yet divorced, then by no means should you. Otherwise, why do yourself or anyone else the injustice of presuming that all separated people are undatable. You could miss out on meeting the best person you've ever known.
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/21/2007 12:05:25 PM | @-->OP only (haven't read the other posts)....
No, I would never date anyone that is just "separated". I've tried that in the past, and it simply doesn't work. Even if they are truly separated, they still have to go through the actual divorce, etc., and, regardless of how good their intentions are, they just aren't able to emotionally be there for you. They stay stuck in the past, for obvious reasons...good reasons too, ie, they have their own issues to sort through, come to terms w/, etc., as they should.
Just my personal experience. I wouldn't do it again. When I meet that "right" person, they will be "right", amongst many reasons, because it is the "right" time for them...ie, they are truly ready for a relationship free of entanglements like, um, say...marriage/still being married to someone else. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/21/2007 12:08:13 PM | | Nothing wrong with dating someone who is separated, after all its just a date. Its not like you are asking to be invited to dinner to meet mom and dad. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/21/2007 12:50:16 PM | Well, I thought I would add to this. I am separated. Would have been divorced by now, if we didn't have a few legal things to fix. I am a little mixed on this. I can see in my situation, where it has REALLY helped me get out, and have some fun. Meeting new women has been a big ego boost for me, which I really needed, since my wife is the one that left me. I have no intention of going back, but a month ago.... I may have said yes. I think it depends on the timing. I know for a fact, if I was actively dating a woman, there is NO way I would have ever gone back to the ex.
I am actually looking forward to finally getting the divorce. I am hoping some of the women that have looked me over before, may actually stop and talk this time. :-) | |
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POP,S
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Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 183 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/22/2007 2:47:30 PM | Wow It's been several days since I checked this for replies I am pleased at the variety of answers, whether negative or positive. I am beginning to understand that there are many reasons why someone would not get divorced.
We are still dating, taking it slow. He has told me that he would step aside if I found someone "on the same page" as me re marriage and commitment, but that he loves me and wants me in his life. Double-sided message or what?! He is a good man, one that I am blessed to know, but unless he changes his mind re getting a divorce, we really have no future. I am glad he is in my life, but don't know what the future will bring. My friends are of the school of thought that if he loves me he will get a divorce.
Thanks again everyone.
Oh no, here we go again. I'm using his computer, and forgot to sign in on the forums. You'd think I'd learn!!!!
Happy fishing!
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soyla
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Joined: 2/19/2007
Msg: 185 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 2/22/2007 3:21:03 PM | no i would not be comfortable, it's like putting your life on lay-away. in the mean time mr perfectly free might come along and you will be too busy sporting your big shiney married man blinders and miss him!!!
never settle, never limit your options. | |
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lxboy
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Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 186 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/19/2007 11:28:49 PM | [/never settle, never limit your options]
unless the person is separated, then you are putting your life on lay-away??????
I have posted on threads like this before (this one too actually) and always forgot to say, there is a difference between dating someone and being in a committed relationship. Dating is a phase of getting to know someone, seeing how much chemistry there is, deciding if you want to invest more time in developing a relationship with them. All of which I figure can be done without risking too much loss if it doesn't work out. So as far as dating, I say why limit yourself. If it's time to move to the next level, i.e. a serious, committed relationship, that's when it might become a problem, but likely not, if you've already come that far with the other person. Again, it is a trust issue, you have to decide how much you trust them. But then I figure that goes for anyone, single, divorced, separated, widowed. Any one of these categories could end up being Mr/Mrs wonderful, or they could end up not being the one. It has been said before, it really is a crap shoot. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/20/2007 8:04:41 PM | | Well for me beggers can't be shoosers so if I met someone and she was seperated, it would be better than no dates at all. So bring em on. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/22/2007 8:55:14 PM | I still say all of those people who say you should not date a separated person should treat each situation on it's own merit.
I for one have not even spoken to my ex for more than a year and I don't know when or if he'll ever agree to my most fair proposal offers. I even have nightmares about him. All it takes is one nasty ex to hold up the process, meanwhile they don't care because they have been living with a new partner for sometimes years.
I don't feel this has dampened my spirit though or made me emotionally unavailable. I have emotions and have actually been in a relationship for several months now. We are both happy with the time we have now. No one knows tomorrow or even if tomorrow will come. Looking at the past does not help heal, moving forward and loving again does!
Good luck to all of you who are not afraid of loving someone who has loved before married or otherwise! | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/22/2007 10:13:29 PM | | NO, ~~ I could be tempted but NO ~ never heard of a rebound with happy ending just a hell of a experience. Too many people besides myself in threat of injury. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/23/2007 4:38:08 AM | No, no and No again! Plain and simple - date someone who is legally and emotionally available unless you want a suitcase full of problems.  | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/23/2007 6:51:08 AM | | Is someone who just came out of a long term relationship emotionally available? Has anyone ever heard of someone going back to their ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend before? Do people only go back to their ex-husband and ex-wife these days? Never knew that. Thanks for the update. So if someone goes back to their ex-gf/bf it is just a coincidence right? | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/23/2007 11:40:30 AM |
date someone who is legally and emotionally available legally available, what does that mean, someone who isn't in jail and/or a fugitive?  | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/24/2007 7:46:28 AM | | Bikeman - can you spell A-D-U-L-T-E-R-Y? Obviously you need this clarified ... until divorce papers are signed you are still LEGALLY married like it or not. And there are many lawyers who wouldn't hesitate to use this against people in a divorce. Why don't you try the humor forum for your posts... nuff said! | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/24/2007 10:13:13 AM | | Hmm I'm not promoting adultery or having relationships with separated people, but please explain to me how adultery is "illegal"? There's nothing humorous about understanding what words mean, illegal is one thing, what you might feel is immoral is another thing entirely. There are many grey areas to this topic. I don't find fault in many people's opinion that separated people are not dateable--to each their own. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/24/2007 1:13:12 PM | Bikeman – I simply stated my personal opinion and you chose to make your own statement – be that as it may.
My stance is that dating any person who is not emotionally or legally available to you is more trouble than it’s worth.
And by the way:
The issue is not hypothetical: According to a Washington Post essay by George Washington University law professor Jonathan Turley, as of last September, the criminal codes of 24 states still prohibited adultery, and zealous prosecutors still invoke these provisions from time to time. (http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/08/18/dorf.adultery/index.html)
Have a nice day…
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/24/2007 1:29:41 PM | I like this thread.
I like this near universal assumption that "dating" is equal to "permanent relationship".
I also learned what "emotionally available" really means... it means "can I pin him down into a marriage again", in which case I will probably never be "emotionally available" again.
Man, I want to go to Saudi Arabia.
Come on, you guys, make this contract happen. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/24/2007 3:34:09 PM |
the criminal codes of 24 states still prohibited adultery, and zealous prosecutors still invoke these provisions from time to time. and what other blue laws are also invoked? | |
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