| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/24/2007 4:10:22 PM | I think personally for me; enough time has to have past by before I would consider getting involved. I think it’s only fair to keep your distance to see if reconciliation will take place, putting your foot where it’s going to get stepped on is not a good place to be, and in all fairness…let them work it out if possible. For me, not only enough time for a reconciliation to occur but the battles are done, the paperwork has stopped and the lawyers have been paid.
I like to pick and chose my battles, not get involved in others. I’ve been separated almost 3 years and get along great with my ex. Some people may pass me by because it says separated; there is nothing I can do about that. For me, it’s some of the privileges and benefits of not signing on the dotted line that keeps things from being completed. It will at some point, when my dentist stops giving me $1,200. bills!!! or when the joys of being self-employed include a dental and health plan, and some travel privileges.
If his separation is recent, I would wish him well and let him deal with some very difficult decisions without the pressure of another relationship.
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2007 1:35:16 AM | | So basically you're poaching off his dental plan because it's beneficial for your banc akkount regardless of what it's doing to your sense of self. I might add that it allows you the luxury of playing the field while you still have a backup plan if worse comes to worse. I believe the phrase is, 'Hedging your bets'. Your momma didn't raise no fool... | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2007 2:13:30 AM | So there I was a few years ago on a paying dating site and along comes this man F2F and asks me out...
He was alone at a New Year's Eve party, as I was, so I never thought for a moment he would be married.
He had a place of his own, talked 'future' and yadda yadda. We went to places together for all the public to see. He said he was separated for 9 months and was 'doing the paperwork' for the divorce.
Don't know how it happened but one day there she-she being the WIFE-found me on this dating site and emailed what she thought of me dating her husband. And that wasn't the end of it. She was one viscious woman. She tracked me down and continued to email and say things to me when I saw her in public. Not to the husband cheating, but to ME!
Three years later? Still married. It was all lies on his part.
The ironic part was I made a deal with myself over 20 years ago to never date another woman's man. That I would never do to another woman what had been done to me many many times. Just sort of a respect, you could call it. Because he used the magic words "the paperwork is being done with the lawyer" I said okay.
I've been tested with this deal I made with myself with a few men separated promising me they were getting divorced. Really, truly, trust me.
Hmmmmm heard those words before. These men? All still married....
Like one earlier fish said, "I want them composed". I went through hell with my divorces. They cost a lot, emotionally, financially and physically. I wanted the clear and clean break, and it was worth it. And, oddly enough, I grew from the process.
I suspect some separated people don't want the hassle. I understand that. Seeing them in court and all the details exposed was horrible. I know for me to process the feelings all the way through I needed to divorce all the way through. No regrets with that.
I know I would want a man completely available for 'us' at my age. I wouldn't want to fall in love and invest time, energy and myself to a man who shared assets and undone emotional ties with another woman. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2007 2:20:15 AM | Classy Gal,
Let me understand something...You say there is no baggage, but you've been separated 4 years??
Get on with the divorce already and move on !
Still dividing assets after 4 years IS BAGGAGE.
Im sorry thats just my 2 cents, not worth more than that. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2007 2:29:07 AM | | I would hope so because I'm one of those......I am legally separated and my papers say I'm free to date or whatever I choose. Why would it matter? I can't "get married" until I'm divorced and that's a good thing......I'm not interested in that right now anyway. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2007 2:54:46 PM | BCExpat…..
If you had any clue what so ever as to what the hell you were saying to a woman who is self employed and didn't ask for any spousal or child support , you would think I’m being pretty friggin generous. I’ve heard what men have gone through on here and if 80% of my dental bills get paid because we actually like each other, co-parent very well and think it's fair....... I think you should eat your words.
Cough cough…dumbass…cough cough | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2007 4:48:06 PM | i remember an eventful night a couple of days afer new years 13 years ago...a woman and i had been makng some failry suggestive overtures to each other over the prior week or two as i had met her in a store and had to keep going back to get stuff arranged on my order... and i had actually missed her call new years eve wanting to do something as i was busy cleaning out one of my apartments ith some floor sanders...
well to make a long story short, after picking up a nice bottle of wine and the two movies she wanted me to pick up we were just on our first glass of wine on the couch getting ready to maybe play some couchtag when all of a sudden all this banging and crashing and yelling against the front door to her condo...he was outside threatening to kill her and whoever was in there with her...really nasty threats. One of the neighbours called the cops and while the cops were outside trying to calm him down, she fimally admitted to me that she wasn't anywhere near the happily divorced lady she had led me to believe and that this guy not only was a stalker, he also slept with her on a pretty regular basis and even though she considered it over, he sure as heck didn't.
needless to say, she couldn't believe i actually jumped from her second story balcony around the back while he was around the front being talked down by the cops...thank gawd we had lots of snow that winter as it was quite a drop. I skulked off to my car and headed home constantly checking my rearview mirror all the way home...
never dated another separated woman since, and now i'm like slow walking jones, slow talkin' jones no matter how much a woman captures my fancy... | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2007 8:23:02 PM | | I think it depends on the individual situation. The deepest love I have experienced to this day was with a woman who was separated when we met. She had been separated for over 3 years and because she was going to school, her "ex" said they could hold off on signing the papers as it helped with her financial aid. The papers were signed after we had dated a year. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2007 8:51:25 PM | My divorce with my ex-husband took over 2 1/4 years. I think it was dragged out because my extranged husband talked his attorney into bullying my attorney. My reason for thinking this is because my attorney's hemmed and hawed about getting a court date (for the divorce) and meanwhile my ex kept calling me to try to talk me into staying with him. My attorney never believed me about these phone calls, he said that I'm stuck on myself and need to get over myself. My ex's phone calls consisted of him demanding me stating that he wants this and that. Never did he include anything that would benefit me.
My extranged husband had a new girlfriend in his vehicle everytime he picked up the kids for his visitation. It seemed to me that he wanted to play the field, yet make sure I stayed in my place. He told his attorney that I thought I was god's gift to man. My attorney believed this, and the next attorney I got believed this, and finally the third attorney I got believed this. Everytime I told my attorney(s) that they are being suckered into his abuse, they told me to get over myself.
I tried to explain (for some stupid reason) that I know I'm not beautiful, not shapely.....it is just that this man got such a power trip with me that he couldn't let it go. The attorney again said....get over yourself.
Milwaukee County Family Court System....mid 1990's. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2007 9:00:55 PM | well to most guys your status be it married single dvorced is irrelevant as long as they figure they might get laid out of it. seems 90% of ppl these days are into the recyclable relationships where ur only in until u get bored or find something better anyways so who really cares about your status
personally , i dont and wont date married, or separated ppl, the way i see it if they are that interested in moving on with their lives they would have got th ball rolling long b4 they met u, the last thing i ever wanna b is the reason someone left their family or be a homewrecker,
i live by do unto others as ya want done to you.
if i was married or in the process of divorce id friggin hate to think the woman i loved enuf to marry in the first place was over me so fast that she couldnt even give me the necessary yr it takes to get a divorce, even if its a mutual thing there is still a mandatory healing time that both parties need to take regardless how horny they may b.
if u loved someone enuf to marry them then i think u owe them at least the chance to get over u as fast as u got over them just to show them that in the end u did have class, and that infidelity wasnt your reason for leaving them and your lives together.
separation is supposed to b a time of reevaluating your relationship and deciding if u want to remain in it or want to try to repair the bridges you have destroyed.
it isnt meant to b a time to go out n **** whatever u can get your****in and catcha disease or whatever, what if you did fall back in love with your spouse after u had sex with someone else on this separation i mean gawd how do u tell them that ? | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/25/2007 11:30:56 PM | You've obviously never had a wife clinging to you with a fanatical deathgrip. 
I can't get rid of mine, man.
I'm on my third lawyer. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/26/2007 10:37:42 AM | | I have to admit I'm now rethinking the whole separated bit, though I do still believe each situation is individual...but having just gone through an experience that I won't ever repeat, I can say that if someone isn't separated legally at the minimum, and better yet been divorced for a while and has been dating again for a while, then I'm not going to be interested in dating them. It seems that no matter how much someone says they're handling things well, and no matter how much they act like they are, one can still be taking a chance by believing them. Again, everyone is different, but once bitten, twice shy...and I really do prefer someone who has their head screwed on straight. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/27/2007 12:49:44 AM | @BCPat [quotepoaching off his dental plan
I'd call "poaching" a loaded term. My ex has been sending me her receipts for prescriptions and dental work and having coverage under the "family" plan for health care at absolutely no cost to me. The money that is saved goes directly into a RESP. Free money from the insurance company and the government, used for the betterment of my children, and at what cost? A missed dating oportunity with a female counterpart of YOU.
@Slysterling^^^^
Today's paper (The Vancouver Sun) had a story about someone who pleaded down from first degree to second degree on a murder charge. He had been getting increasingly tense about seeing the new boyfriend's car at his ex's house so he broke down the door and stabbed the guy to death. Never a good thing. But. Since she was his commonlaw ex, they weren't separated. Just single again. If they'd been married and lived in some states, they might have been divorced already. The story doesn't really tell how long the relationship had been over. I got the impression it was some time. But they weren't separated, like in your story, so it doesn't back up the argument.
Was it on this thread or another similar? Some woman wrote about going with a friend to meet an on-line date (of the friend.) The guy turned out to be a jerk, wouldn't stop asking her about her previous occupation, which she didn't want to talk about (makes me wonder ). So he's an ***hole and separated so separated people are ***holes. Thank God I kept an IQ filter on my mailbox. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/27/2007 1:18:15 AM | both parties need to take regardless how horny they may b.
separation ..... isnt meant to b a time to go out n **** whatever u can get your****in and catcha disease or whatever, what if you did fall back in love with your spouse after u had sex with someone else on this separation i mean gawd how do u tell them that ?
Speaking of filters. Somebody is thinking with his****too much. Or thinking that everyone else does. And if you weren't married but broke up with your girlfriend and had sex with someone else and caught a disease how would you tell your old girlfriend that? And why would you be catching diseases anyway? I don't care how long YOU"VE been single, I wouldn't want any of that attitude dating my daughter. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/27/2007 7:08:40 AM | thanks for the story reb
i couldn't believe she wanted to let the guy in so we could talk it out...lol...i grabbed this astronomically huge knife she had in the kitchen and told her this was going right thru the guy first and then we'd talk, but i saw the cruisers pulling up...i guess they knew the place quite well as the female cop outside was talking to her on a first name basis...it was all a very bizarre evening...hopefully the exception rather than the rule
most people that know me tell me i'm being stupid to think the way i do...but i think like the other chap said..it's a case by case thing and there's probly some real nice separated people out there...just not for me thanks...some people like pop and think i'm crazy for not drinking it too...it's just a preference thing...but at my age (48...not 49 like it says on the profile) it does certainly reduce the pool of availables out there...probably by well in excess of half the 'eligible' ladies out there...
...but meh...i'm just too old to still be jumping off roofs...i mean i would still jump off a roof if the woman i loved and she loved me asked me to, but, that leap of faith would only come after a few other leaps of faith together...single, verifiably divorced, or widowed...that's all folks... | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/28/2007 12:08:36 AM | Just to clarify my point there, Sly. Two situations, yours and the one I described above. New beau encounters jilted ex-lover. In one case the former couple are separated, in the other they are both single (never married, apart who knows how long.) I say that the lesson to be learned, taking the two stories together, is to beware of a new love's former lovers. That would apply to anyone beyond their early teens. The legal label they are carrying isn't relevant in these two tales.
Another lesson to be learned, BTW, is that when the crap hits the fan, its always better to be the person with the big knife. Unless its a gun fight.
More thoughts on legal labels. My elderly neighbours asked for a recommendation for a plumber to fix a leaky drain. I went over and fixed it myself. I don't have a plumber's papers but I know what I'm capable of. Lack of the papers would be a hindrance if I wanted to go into the business. Conversely, I've been asked in the past to do an electrical panel upgrade. I do have an electrician's ticket but I haven't done it for so long that I wouldn't want to try to remember. So I don't lay claim to any ability in that regard.
I've met women like that. Some that carry the legal papers that say they're elligible to re-marry. Some of those actually are. Some aren't. Most know. So me? I don't have the papers that say I can re-marry yet. But my significant other finds that I'm quite capable of a relationship while I try to find the time to put the paperwork through. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/28/2007 4:50:12 AM | | it has to depend, im seperated and not devorced simply because its a lot of hassle for what? Marriage is only abit of paper after all, emontionally Im free and thats what matters, surely | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/28/2007 6:37:09 AM | | Honey.....Move on! he isn't divorced, and the money is probably an excuse. I just had an experience with a man I met on Yahoo....(which I totally removed my profile from that site cause all the men on there are after only 1 thing). He said he has been seperated for 4 years, and was tired of being alone. Yes, he was tired of being alone....with his hands!!!!!!!!! We met twice, and on the second date, he made sexual advances. Needless to say he has a very big red hand print on his cheek. wonder how he's going to explain that to his friends. lol | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/28/2007 9:37:33 AM | Would I date someone who is seperated -
No - chances are - he is married and the whole
seperated concept is in his mind-
He is still married and he still needs to make decisions
on what he needs to do - you want to sit on the sidelines
and wait for him - be my guest - hey but wait - try this with
him - tell him- I have feelings for someone else and I dont know
what is going on with us - he will make a decision - if in fact
he is seperated headed for divorce and wants you - he will tell you-
if he is just playing with you - he will let you go - Call him on it if
you want the truth - Oh and the other guy - yeah - I always liked him
more anyway so for me - I win- | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/28/2007 9:59:48 AM | Stroonz, msg 204,
I'm still waiting for him to file his income taxes for the year 2005 and 2006, my lawyer has sent his lawyer letters ect and still waiting on him for title of a property to be transferred to my name from his. These are things he has to do. I sold the matrimonial home, changed my will, started a new career, seperated all assets/RRSP/some debts-LOC still to deal with and then it should be done.
He wanted out but did not want to do the work to be legally done and free to remarry his GF.
On a bright note by waiting the housing prices have gone up, so it worked to our advantage by delaying a few years to sell.
I never thought paperwork would mean that I was undatable to someone.
With two lawyers involved it will be wrapped up this year, so I am moving on. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/28/2007 10:04:26 AM | Waiting to "have the money" is a big excuse....like waiting until his oldest turns eighteen, then that happens, and still no divorce.....it's his way of "puttting you off" because he doesn't want to make a committment to you....I KNOW I HAVE WORN THAT SHOE FOR OVER THREE YEARS NOW...have finally started to get a reality check, that he doesn't want anymore committments or "baggage" to deal with in his life......find an uncommitted man to share your life with....I'm moving on, you do the same....have a great day
Coral Roses | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/28/2007 5:04:39 PM | Gah! It's easy to be clinical about this and say:
"Man + Wife = NO"
"Man - Wife + Married = NO"
"Man -Wife - Married = YES"
But our hearts aren't wired that way are they?
Morally - if the idea of "dating a married man" offends you - then don't do it, but I would like to think that there is nothing to stop the two of you being good, dear, close friends - and nothing more - so you can see each other (call it dates, or just visits - who cares!) but don't commit any more than that until he gets his divorce. They are expensive, stressful things - and to me - although people may want to get divorced, it involves a great deal of sadness as the formal dissolution of a failed relationship - so is not easy at all to go through.
It's up to you how much of your heart you give to this man and when, but ask yourself - do I want to walk away? Wait by all means. But seems a massive shame to walk away from someone you refer to as wonderful. But this is to a complete stranger who's 4 lines of text on the wonderful wubbly interweb - and knows nothing about your life at all! So take with pinch of salt, two aspirin and call me in the morning :) | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/29/2007 2:43:11 AM | I had a similar situation about 2 years back. I met a wonderfull girl and found out she was seperated shortly after we started to hang out.
Not alot happened with us, but I could tell I was a means for her getting her feet wet again in the dating enviroment. We spent some time together but never let things go too far. I kept it as a friend, something about my morals I cannot get too involved with someone that is seperated. Wright or wrong that is me.
Well after we seen each other for a few weeks, she came up and told me she wanted to get back with her Husband and try to make it work for her children. Two years later they are still together.
So in other words, dont bank anything untill the divorce is final. Be thier friend, nothing more. I know sometimes things take effort and more time then others, and some people may not agree with my answer. But it is how I feel about it. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 3/29/2007 7:25:42 AM | We met twice, and on the second date, he made sexual advances. Needless to say he has a very big red hand print on his cheek. wonder how he's going to explain that to his friends. lol
This is the kind of argument that bugs me. The man behaved like a cad. The man was separated for four years. Therefore don't date someone who has been separated for four years. Honey, you should search for threads on "The Three Date Rule" or "Sex on the First Date." Not making a value judgement. Just that your dating expectations are probably further from the norm than his. And it has nothing to do with being separated.
And @Coral Roses (msg 122). Most other threads on this subject have people saying that there is a rule about dating people who are coming out of a relationship, whether married or not. Six months to heal for each year in, so you. theoretically, are a "dating biohazard" for the next year and a half. I think that's BS, but I do think that if you've left your man after 3 years not because you don't love him anymore but because he won't marry you, you are a worse bet than almost anyone for getting back together. Your man's problem isn't that he's separated but that he's not into making the commitment you want. | |
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