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Posted: 1/14/2007 6:34:23 PM | Hi David,
Missy again, I appreciate your feedback. I wasn't sure what to put so I revised it a little, would you mind looking at it again? Also I would like to point out that I only put the non submissive/ no abusers line because so guy put me on his fave list. I checked his profile and he was talking about wanting a submissive woman which sounded weird. Maybe woman don't need to tell most guys that but someone needs to tell this guy. Anyway, Thanx. | |
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| Piping Hot Profile Reviews, step right up!
Posted: 1/15/2007 11:17:45 AM | honibee,
You're working in the right direction, and there's definitely improvement.
Now, all I can suggest is a bit more separation of the different sentences. It feels a little jumbled right now, so it would really do some good, I think.
Otherwise, great job! The content is in a much nicer order, and you come off as a much more friendly and special person now.
Ciao for now!
~ David | |
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| Piping Hot Profile Reviews, step right up!
Posted: 1/19/2007 11:30:24 PM | I'm amazed at the audacity of the youngsters these days.
You turn up and five minutes later you're an expert.
Obviously I've never been young and perfect...
You wouldn't dare critique me, and mine.
Would you? | |
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| Piping Hot Profile Reviews, step right up!
Posted: 1/22/2007 12:25:50 PM | harlyrider,
Much better!
I really liked reading it this time... Your tone is very jovial and generous, and you practically even made me consider wooing you for a bit! ;-P
Honestly, I like your writing style for the most part. The use of long ellipses is a good idea, and I think you can definitely be wise in putting it to further use.
GoG's back! :D
~ David | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 12:44:10 PM | Pisces_74,
I found that your individual paragraphs (the spacing is well used for pace purposes, btw) each have their own quality, not only in terms of a [fill in adjective] quality, but also a difference in better-or-worse quality.
With that in mind, I'll review each paragraph, then the whole thing.
Paragraph one: You needn't have most of this one at all. You express the content better than most can, but there's no need to express it at all this early in a potential relationship (read: before it's even started). Still, I think you should mention something about how you aren't dead set on true love, nor are you dead certain about PoF. That has a tendency to both comfort and attract the attention of women who would be unsure.
Paragraph two: This time, I reverse my statements for the most part. The content is very nice, but you express it messily as far as grammar is concerned. Try to restate it in two sentences: one about your optimism, and another about your gentlemanly nature.
Paragraph three: Until you start talking about how you do everything with a passion, this paragraph is a little red-flag-y. Once you mention your tendency to do everything 120%, and up until the very end, the paragraph does you great credit. I suggest you try to avoid descriptions of your friends' opinions of you. It has a bit of a negative reaction, since it's not your friends who are talking or listening, and thus it shouldn't matter what they think. The rest of it shines for that very reason: you talk about yourself in a way that shows your admiration for your qualities and ability to cope. If I were a woman, I'd - for a split-second - want to help you relax after work, because you seem so worthy in your own eyes.
Paragraph four: Perfect. Use this as an exemplary sample if you ever review others' profiles.
Paragraph five: There's a reason this is only one sentence... It doesn't really need much mentioning. I suggest you let it go. Maybe as a replacement, you could encourage the reader to let you be the judge of whether she reaches those lofty requirements... As a strategy, that's served me well.
Paragraph six/dating: never say "intimate" in a dating profile, especially when talking about the first date itself. Women see a man write "intimate" and think one thing: "This guy wants sex, not love."
I think you should try a detailed description of your favorite cafe, and use those details in describing the date itself, not just as a background. Don't just say you'd have coffee. Say what your favorite coffee is... Oh, and have fun luring the woman of your dreams: you've got raw talent, so consider yourself lucky.
~ David | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 12:49:15 PM | Scooby Doo,
I really think you should try again when you feel good about yourself.
I know, that sounds mean, but I'm actually quite confident that you can be very attractive on your profile if you remember the same rule that applies to any attempt to attract women:
"Chicks love confidence"
So, try going out for a drink with some mates if you like, and really have yourself a good time. Do whatever you can to feel near-godly.
Then, write about what kind of man you are in as much detail as you'd want to read about your ideal girl before you had ever met her.
Anyway, best of luck.
~ David | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 12:55:13 PM | WhatAreYouWaitingFor,
Your profile reads slow, and that's why it seems a bit long.
I don't think you should cut anything out, to be honest.
In fact, I suggest that you try sifting out unnecessary wordiness, but say the same basic thing.
This way, the profile will still show how delightfully full of depth you are, while also making the information pleasant to take in.
Your tone, grammar, punctuation, and overall quality of writing is relatively good, except for what I've already mentioned. Just be sure you're in a good mood when you polish it up, so that way it really shines.
~ David | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 12:59:15 PM | adamselindisdress,
I think your profile is quite good, to be honest.
I've never seen one so unique, artistic, and totally easy to understand at the same time.
You use picturesque poetry to turn your near-twenty words into an effective thousand or so.
I do not see myself as audacious. I hope to be seen as precocious, if anything other than wise.
As a woman of certain enigma, you certainly know how to draw a man's attention.
Excellence!
~ David | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 1:05:44 PM | LikeNoOneElse,
You are no victim. If anything, I'd consider you a profile-writer after my own heart.
Your profile made me laugh, nod in agreement, and want to be wanted by you...
No, I'm not homosexual... I just do some "method acting" and think like a woman (as far as the forums can educate me) while I read.
What I saw in your profile was one of the only men who could possibly be worthy of your username.
There's nothing I think you really need to change, unless you felt there might be something worth altering.
Maybe pictures with sharper focus would be nice, but really I didn't mind when I read it.
~ David
_________
honibee,
In case you read this again, I just saw your new picture: drop dead gorgeous! I love it! Keep them coming, and keep them varied in their style... :D | |
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| Piping Hot Profile Reviews, step right up!
Posted: 1/22/2007 2:51:40 PM | teddybear1981,
Your content is very honest (I hope), and in and of itself is more comforting than not.
The difficulty comes from your expression of the content.
You mention how much of a kid you are at heart, but you show it in a pretty creepy way by mentioning the f-word as a similar word to adult. Try to instead show it by mentioning your favorite things to do in a way that isn't too enthusiastic...
Use softer words, and check your mail.
~ David | |
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| Piping Hot Profile Reviews, step right up!
Posted: 1/22/2007 4:48:09 PM | | Okay David. I've read your reviews and they're very kind. It's for that reason that I'm asking you for your opinion of my profile. You're doing a wonderful job so keep up the good work. You're a gem! | |
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| Piping Hot Profile Reviews, step right up!
Posted: 1/22/2007 5:02:52 PM | a1rtist,
First off, you are such a Libra! :D
Just so you know, that's a good thing, but that's not the point..
I found the profile a little dry, but it still made me smile, so there's something good about it, methinks...
Perhaps a style of word choice that is a little less precise, and a little more poetic, would do the trick.
Still, you are well-spoken, so the use of language isn't much of an issue.
However, maybe a little spacing between sections could do some good.
Anyway, that's my review.
~ David | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 5:23:46 PM | intheswim,
You are a fun writer!
I don't know of many profiles that have made me smile as much as this one...
Still, it is a little long, I must admit.
Mostly it's the bit just after the beginning.
The middle afterwards and the actual beginning are great, though.
Your use of punctuation is a little much, but it's not really a problem.
Overall, I'd say that it's just a matter of improving a little here, and a little there.
~ David | |
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