| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/11/2007 3:44:07 PM | | There is nothing selfish about two people wanting children at a later age in life. Women are having children well into their 40's nowadays with no problems. What's really selfish is babies having babies. At least when someone is older you know they have put thought into the decision, not just spitting out babies as teenagers. | |
|
| |
| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/11/2007 4:34:02 PM | Great convo. I'm 35 and don't have kids but would like them and while part of me regrets not having them when I was younger & had the energy, I also didn't have the emotional maturity (looking back now; I'm sure looking back from age 45 I'll be singing the same tune about 35.)
But also have to mention:
a woman can have her pick of men till she gets to her mid thirties, then she has to work for it.
oh, spare me. that is so not true in so many ways.  | |
|
| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/11/2007 5:02:34 PM | "Is it fair to a child/older woman for an older man to still want children?" -- justaboyandagirl
If a guy has been brought up to believe that he's supposed to own a car, have a career, get married, buy a house and have kids, I suspect he'll continue to believe all of that until his dying day - regardless of whether or not any of those things actually happen for him. I don't think fairness has anything to do with that scenario. He'll simply want kids, or regret not having them.
Personally, I think it's somewhat questionable for a guy to want to start a family when he's in his forties. It takes a lot of patience and energy, for the next twenty-plus years. If he hasn't already shared the responsibility of raising kids when he was younger, it's unlikely that he's going to be prepared for it in middle age. He'll more probably already be too set in his ways to permanently include a small child in his life, and would probably leave a lot of the actual parenting to its mother or a hired nanny - until the child has grown out of poopie diapers or needing everything repeated a billion times. I think a forty year-old first time father who wouldn't do this is rare, but maybe there actually are a lot of forty year-old men who truly are young at heart enough to enjoy either coming home after work or staying home every day to share in raising a small child. He might not even care that he'll be sixty when his kid turns twenty - the age when most kids seem to move out, if they plan to move out.
There are good alternatives to a middle aged man wanting to start a family with a woman who is around his age, if kids aren't already part of their lives from previous relationships. Forget adoption, because that normally means adopting a baby. They can take in an older kid as foster parents, for instance. Or, join a mentoring program like Big Brothers or the Boys & Girl's Club, and become role models while helping children mature. He can accept that he and the woman he's with are too old to have kids full time, and simply appreciate being an Uncle/Aunt combo to the children of their siblings and friends. All of those alternatives are just as legitimate and can be as rewarding, frankly. | |
|
| |
| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/12/2007 3:52:35 PM | When you get into your 40s there is the issue of how you are going to relate to your child as they grow up. I can't point to a specific age, but once you hit 40 then the (non-biological) clock starts ticking.
I'm 40, my dad is 63 and re-married, and I have a half-brother who is 23. I have to act as the go-between in a way because my brother and dad just don't speak the same language.
Later in life it even gets worse and you have to think about how long you are going to be around for your children.
I know this guy who left his wife of 34 years for his 25 year old secretary. He was 65 at the time. They now have 2 kids. Odds are he will be dead before the oldest is even in high school. That does not strike me as being fair to the children. | |
|
| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/12/2007 5:41:13 PM |
Personally, I think old men look ridiculous with younger wives/partners and very young children.
My parents met when she was 20 and he was a 40 year old 'cranky old confirmed bachelor', as my mother put it. They married 6 months later, and had me when Dad was 43, and my sister when he was 46.
I remember maybe twice having friends ask if he was my Dad or my grandfather, but it didn't seem to be a big deal.
He growled about our clothes being unladylike, and ranted about girls calling boys, all the horrors of our disco music, and swore that no damned way was any daughter of HIS going to get holes in her ears! (which we did anyway), and if we got Bs insisted we could get As.
But he also dragged my sister and I fishing almost every weekend from the age of 5 or 6, taught us how to clean a fish and told us the names of all the constellations, taught me how to drive (and lost half his hair doing it), and until I moved out of the house in my early 20s, my sister and I both ran to the door to give him a kiss and a hug when he came home from work. And I never gave up a chance to give him a smooch in front of my friends to make him blush (and they loved to too!). 
He gave us the best gift a parent can give, and was old and wise enough to recognize that a child needed it... time.
He died unexpectedly of an aneurysm at 67, just three weeks after his first grandson was born. I wouldn't have traded the 24 years I had with him for 40 or 60 years with any other parent. He packed a lot of parenting into 24 years.
He didn't look ridiculous. He looked like my Dad. | |
|
| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/12/2007 6:09:35 PM |
I am going to be 45 and I have no children - and if it happens I will
welcome it - but I need to be realistic too - I am going to be an old Mom - And just
that presents risks and complications.
I am so torn on this question - part of me would love too if I met
the right man and part of me feels I am too old - This makes me
very sad sometimes.
If I had to do it over I know now everything would be different - It is
so true- that yearning for that is there and I cant really do anything about it now-
I think my time has run out. | |
|
| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/12/2007 10:41:43 PM | I still would love to have kids. When I was married we did try. It was only after the divorce that my ex found out she is not able to have any because of a problem with her ovaries.
So in my case I wasn't holding out to have kids and now, all of the sudden, deciding that I want them. I always did.
And even though I'm 43, so what? I'm not some broken down, cranky old man. I've always had great patience, I'm healthy and have a great job, so I have no problems being able to handle the crying and the tantrums, and running after children to keep them away from danger, and providing for them the emotional and financial needs they deserve. | |
|
| |
| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/13/2007 6:36:34 PM | I've always wanted to have daughters, but my wife died very young. I'd love to have my own children but if it doesn't happen, I will accept a woman's children as my own, and if they happen to be daughters they will be the luckiest 5-year old girls ;) in the world and I will love them to bits.
My parents met when she was 20 and he was a 40 year old 'cranky old confirmed bachelor', as my mother put it. They married 6 months later, and had me when Dad was 43, and my sister when he was 46.
I remember maybe twice having friends ask if he was my Dad or my grandfather, but it didn't seem to be a big deal.
He growled about our clothes being unladylike, and ranted about girls calling boys, all the horrors of our disco music, and swore that no damned way was any daughter of HIS going to get holes in her ears! (which we did anyway), and if we got Bs insisted we could get As.
But he also dragged my sister and I fishing almost every weekend from the age of 5 or 6, taught us how to clean a fish and told us the names of all the constellations, taught me how to drive (and lost half his hair doing it), and until I moved out of the house in my early 20s, my sister and I both ran to the door to give him a kiss and a hug when he came home from work. And I never gave up a chance to give him a smooch in front of my friends to make him blush (and they loved to too!).
He gave us the best gift a parent can give, and was old and wise enough to recognize that a child needed it... time.
He died unexpectedly of an aneurysm at 67, just three weeks after his first grandson was born. I wouldn't have traded the 24 years I had with him for 40 or 60 years with any other parent. He packed a lot of parenting into 24 years.
He didn't look ridiculous. He looked like my Dad.
heckcat thank you for sharing your story, it makes me feel hopeful.
I'm with Kame on this. I would rather see an older person who can provide for their child having children than a young girl trying to raise a child with no father or financial/emotional support.
Fair? Fair has nothing to do with it. It's a matter of personal choice. If you don't like it then he's not the guy for you.
Gallivanting1, where is a strong-minded girl like you when I need one? 
 | |
|
| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/14/2007 1:52:55 PM | Love is the most important thing which can be given to a child
A child who is loved is secure in themsefves. Money is not the be
all it is a bit of an illusion their are too many spoilt brat kids to
who long to be loved. Parents are working all the time to get
them things when what they want most is their love and attention. | |
|
| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/14/2007 10:30:13 PM | | age has nothing to do with fair, with all the car accidents , cancer , etc today there are many young children who lose one parent or other before the child is in school, so what has age got to do with it.l Hey guys if Donald Trump can do why cann't the rest of us | |
|
| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/16/2007 6:08:03 PM | Most of these answers sound fairly selfish. They seem to be based on wanting, or be able to have, children. What about what's good for the children!?! What makes the age too old is when the odds of being able to be there for that child all the way through at least young adulthood, start to get low. That would probably put the oldest age in the mid-late 40's but health issues of the parent and the potential baby should also be considered, which will lower that number for most. This rule should be the same for both men and women. Using the simple physical ability to have children later isn't a good argument on its own for men to have children later. In fact, since women live longer, you could use that to argue exactly the opposite. It would be just as baseless on it's own.
I have personal experience with this issue so it is more than just an opinion.
Of course, there is definitely an age that is too young as well. I'd put that at under 25 because it takes several years of independent adult living and experience to make you a smart parent. You can love your child no matter how young you are but love alone isn't enough. | |
|
| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/16/2007 6:45:32 PM | | Alot of people are starting families at older ages nowadays not uncommon for women to have first baby mid to late thirties into early forties. I personally don't have a problem with it. Some older women are healthier and in better shape then some of the young ones. when your older your more financially secure and have alot more patience. would rather see a 40 yr old with a baby than a 16 yr old. | |
|
| |
chinua
|
Joined: 9/30/2005
Msg: 42 | |
| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/17/2007 10:13:37 AM | ^^^^ thats ridiculous!!! Larry Kings kids look pretty healthy...........so is Rod Stewarts............Donald Trump...........Michael Douglas............as for women; my grandma was 37 when she had my mom (who went on to be an athlete)- grandpa was 44. A friend of mine had both her kids after 36; and they are very healthy. Someone else I know had her son at 42. Age doesn't always make the difference- I think sometimes its what the parents did to themselves when they were younger, how healthy they are.
I am 39; have been in sports most of my life ( right now its karate , roller derby, and weightlifting) I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. I've already done a lot of travelling(in my 20's) its no big deal if I don't do anymore. I also have a homebased business , and a regular job- when I have kids, i'll just do the business so I can stay home. Now, whats wrong with that? | |
|
| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/17/2007 10:36:58 AM | I had my daughter when i was 20 and had my son when i was 30. No big difference except i have a level head these days. Still wanted to party when i was 20, i'm over that now.
I too met a man who is older than me (my hubby) and he told me on the first date that he wanted to have a child but it was because he missed out on his other kids childhood. | |
|
| |
| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/20/2007 11:43:20 AM | Rebellious, you are a little biased,
I've been dating childless, college-educated women in their mid-30s. It's obvious that you are still holding out for the woman who can give you the children you haven't had yet.
And pirate.... you are simply clueless! 60 is a ridiculous age to have children! Just because you can doesn't mean you should. And those same men marry 20, 30 somethings so they have those children. Then what happens? The selfish old man who thought of no one but himself dies ten years later leaving a still young woman widowed, and a couple of young children fatherless. Where is the sense in that. To name an age that high without any discussion on the likelihood of actually being able to raise those children is ignorant. Too many men think their job is over as long as they've fertilized the egg and can pay the bills. There's much more to being a father than that.
Before I get any criticism, my father was in most ways, a pretty great man but he was 60 when I was born, 72 when the youngest was born. Without going into all the details, I'll just say, it was WAY TOO OLD! | |
|
| |
| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/21/2007 2:58:04 AM | Your thread is interesting and one that nails my 'sweet spot'.
I havent read the whole string yet and will. The first 2 posts were enough to almost Push a couple of buttons.
At 51, I would like a Son with my DNA.
I don't feel selfish nor do I consider the fact that I can a double standard.
Most of my life I have just had the misfortune to have attracted the type of woman that either did not want to have children, was a chronic drunk or just Flat Out Crazy.
I've taken the time to change myself and my M.O. and feel that I am in a good place with how I feel about me.
Given the opportunity I will eventually attract a mate that wants the same as I in a LTR, Marriage and a Family.
So There | |
|
chinua
|
Joined: 9/30/2005
Msg: 48 | |
| |
| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/21/2007 10:02:11 AM | There is a huge difference in wanting children and being able to have them,, for women at least.
That said, even if you're older,, if you want children, can care for them and so on,,, there are so many parentless children waiting to be adopted. Children belong to those who love them, not necessarly those who birthed them.
I was single and over 50 when I adopted,,,, I will be 70 when my youngest graduates high school. I suppose I should look for a younger S/O to clear a path through the other parents, as I toddle along on my walker. 
tb | |
|
| When is it too old to still want children?
Posted: 1/21/2007 10:32:17 AM | As others have said, it's not a matter of being fair, it has more to do with the individuals involved and their desires. However I'd agree it's more of a gamble later on. When a person is too old really depends on the condition of the individual - it wouldn't be fair to generalize when it comes to age/time .
IMO key factor in later births is the fact society is sadly more focused on making money rather than building a healthy family unit. As a result many men & women put off starting a family. And, it was mentioned on the news that there's a growing number of singles to those that are married. Perhaps the birth-rate will drop in the ethnic groups that don't value having families[?]. And, I've heard that the ratio of men to women on a typical singles site is 3:1. So one could assume that it's easier for women to find someone...
I'd like to comment on what some have said about older guys. I have to disagree with the notion that an older guy can always get a younger woman, [unless of course he's wealthy]. Out here on the west coast there seems to be a stigma against guys over 40. I've seen a lot of profiles for women that still want kids, [in their 30's] and the age cut-off is typiclly 38 or 39. I'm in my early 40's and not that different then a guy that's 38. I realize that most women in their 40's have already had kids and/or don't have interest in having one or more.
Unfortunately as we know there's no take overs in life and I [like many] focused on my career when I should've been looking for a life mate. If I ever have a kid I'll strongly encourage them to seek out a mate earlier than I did when there are more options. By the time you reach your 40's the options become limited and of course the risks are higher. | |
|
Home
login 
