| coping with the hardest decision of my life.
Posted: 1/19/2007 11:11:39 PM | Indeed, I agree....OK.
Forget logic here....I think a party is in order for you. Invite all your friends and their friends. Have a good night to totally forget all that was getting you down. I guarantee you'll meet people and in the morning, no matter how drunk you got, you will probably have more positive memories. That could be a good start to moving on. Also it is a great reminder that life goes on. You've been given a shitty blow....Brush it off, show her you can move on, her negative decisions will not affect you forever and have a good time. (just dont let it become self-destructive) Have a blast man, you only live once........or twice if your a buddha.
G.P. | |
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mizbex
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Joined: 12/17/2006
Msg: 53 | |
| coping with the hardest decision of my life.
Posted: 1/20/2007 9:17:34 AM | Sorry about your breakup. Divorce is hard, I know it is really a question of finance, but the sooner you can put distance between the two of you the better. Emotions will calm down and you will be able to look at the situation in a much clearer light and yes, begin to heal.
I am sorry for the people who have chosen to criticize and attack you, divorce is a very lonley time and you need support. Not everyone attacks in the forums, there are some really good and intelligent people here, stick around, just ignore the nasties. Take care. | |
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| coping with the hardest decision of my life.
Posted: 1/20/2007 9:28:37 PM | Color me confused.
Why are you on a dating site if you're still married? Were you a member here before you decided to end the marriage?!
Some areas of the US have a support group called We Care. You might look around and see if there is one for your area. | |
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| coping with the hardest decision of my life.
Posted: 1/21/2007 6:44:34 AM | ^^^^^^^Hey altered i know your not new here i have seen your posts around here and was curious to know if you have not seen the many other married or not single people on here?  | |
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| coping with the hardest decision of my life.
Posted: 1/21/2007 8:49:06 AM | tballin - The best of luck to you! Your intentions appear realistic!
To those of you who who have NOT read the entire post and are
so quick to judge...
You must have missed this too...
This site was designed for many reasons...Read the founders notes.
Each of us has a very different reason for being here! Try offering
some words of advice rather than beat the @#*& out of eachother. | |
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| coping with the hardest decision of my life.
Posted: 1/21/2007 9:06:25 PM | I've noticed a lot of people seem to take umbrage with the fact that you are on a dating site. You came to this site to try to get advice. I'd say that you were pretty smart going to a place where there are NUMEROUS individuals who have gone through what you are and would be able to provide said support/advice.
Keep your chin up, look to the future, and try not to dwell on the 'could-have-beens'. I'm willing to bet that a year from now you can look back and see that there were some positive things that came from your tragedy. Maybe even sooner... | |
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| coping with the hardest decision of my life.
Posted: 1/22/2007 3:53:02 AM | To Tballin @ Msg 1
Get the best lawyer you can afford is good advice.
Know also that in Canada they are strongly biased towrds the Mother, no matter what the circumstances. Pray that your situation is one of the rare ones that do not get nasty, but for some reason many of them do.
I may be bitter yet from my own experience yet, but the court does not seem to look as positively on a father that is willing to share custody as they would on a mother willing to do the same. That is, a Mother offering shared or joint custody is seen as being fair to the children and the father. The father however is seen as weak and begging for as much time as he can get.
For all my 2 cents are worth, get into mediation as soon as possible to start working on agreeing to these things. If she refuses to attend or meet somewhere in the middle of the agreement, then go for at least Joint Custody with Primary Care. Quite simply, if you lose 80% of 100, you are still left with 20.
But yes, I am still bitter. Good luck to your children they will need it most initially, and good luck to the each of you, it's a rough row to hoe.
WeeLamm. | |
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| coping with the hardest decision of my life.
Posted: 1/22/2007 5:47:24 AM | Hi Tballin
You are getting some good advice here and I second it. Move out even if its just a room. Get a lawyer.....dont trust her it will all change on you. Never bad mouth her or show disrespect in front of the kids. The kids wont have much problem accepting the situation. After all most of their friends parents are divorced. My soap box for you as well as all of the rest remember whose needs come first, the kids. They do need both of their parents to get along and provide a stable united front for their discipline and future. There cant be a good parent who plays with them and a bad parent who has to shoulder the responsibility and discipline. You all have heard the drill a million times......reassure them over and over its not their fault. It doesnt matter what their mom does you must walk the higher ground for them. Children are very bright and most of them know exactly whats going on. They will be watching your behavior and they will learn from it. I promise that and sometimes they seem to learn more of the bad behavior than the good. But they need to see your fairness and integrity.
I have had 3 "nice" divorces not one really was it always gets ugly. There can be no trust and do not give up everything. You deserve to walk away with your half. Taking less will make you bitter down the road. Begin the rest of your life by making you the best you can be. Learn to love and trust yourself.
Go out and be a survivor!!!!! | |
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| coping with the hardest decision of my life.
Posted: 1/22/2007 10:25:07 AM | I have known Tballin for many years and just wanted to say that his marriage and kids have always been top priority to him even before the marriage and kids his now wife was #1 in his life. She has hurt him a great deal and there is no excuse for that. He has done nothing to her to hurt him like she has. He is a very responsible, caring, loving person and one day I hope he will be able to get over this hurdle in his life because there are women out there that will treat him the way he deserves to be treated and not take him for granted.
Sometimes people need some advice and comforting from people and sometimes it is easier to get that from people that are not so closley connected with you because there opinions can be biased.
Keep your head up T and always remember that there are people that care about you.
I am always here for you my friend no matter what.
P.S. (my opinion) Cheating cannot be justified there is nothing that a person does that makes there partner cheat. That person that cheats is just a weak messed up soul. | |
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| coping with the hardest decision of my life.
Posted: 1/24/2007 2:14:48 AM | | Thanks hun, I always knew youd be one of my favorite people. In all the years we were together, (my wife and I) not once was I a cheater. I had been accused a total of 4 times to my face that I was cheating, but never did. She decided that I wasnt what she needed, and found someone else, her best friend, her girlfriend. So, now I am leaving, as I am not going to be third place in a 2 person race. The scariest part is starting my life over, I do appreciate the kind words and the nice thoughtful emails. I appreciate them. Soon I will be out of the matrimarial home and into my own place, where the rest of the healing can begin. | |
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| coping with the hardest decision of my life.
Posted: 2/24/2007 8:26:54 AM | I have been through a divorce, so here is what you need to do.
Get a lawyer, right away. Suggest to your soon to be ex wife that she get her own lawyer. Don't offer to pay for her lawyer, let her go to court and ask for it. You may be ordered to help her pay for one, but dont just volunteer to do that.
Your lawyer can help you draft a 'no fault' agreement on moving out. The agreement would state, basically, that we have not agreed on anything in terms of our divorce yet, but that it is decided that to move on, one of us has to move out of the house. The fact that one person moved out before the other will have NO IMPACT on the divorce proceedings. So this means that regardless if you move out or she moves out, neither party suffers in court because of moving out first.
No sense having a 'War of the Roses' here. ONE OF YOU NEEDS TO GET MOVED OUT SOON-this is not good for the emotional and physical health of either you or your wife to stay in the same house. Deal with who pays for the house later. Let her take the good couch and DVD player if she leaves-remember you can replace material things. Your peace of mind is priceless.
Believe me, it is far better for the kids to break up a bad marriage where things are negative and there is a lot of conflict. I would STRONGLY suggest getting counseling for yourself and the kids. Let her pay for her own counselor, and ask for her help in paying for counseling for the kids. You don't want your kids to repress all those emotions and not get any help, and then suffer emotional consequence as adults. Kids don';t know how to verbalize their pain, and need help to get through it. As difficult as it is for us adults to deal with the emotions of a divorce, it is hugely tougher on a young child. Get them the help they need. Just don't dope them up on psychiatric drugs. Most kids don't need them, and they are harmful in many ways to their development.
Shared custody is the best situation for the kids. Sounds like you and your soon to be ex wife are able to work together on that part, and that is good.
You will need to have a working relationship with your ex because of the kids, but being friends will be difficult. I agree with you that a divorce support group, preferably a group that meets in your community would be a good way to start moving forward, finding new friends and building your emotiional strength as a single person. Of course be polite as you can with your ex, but while going through a divorce where anything you say can be used against you in divorce court, being 'friends' may not be a good idea.
My lawyer reccomended to me not to date for a while, and only date people that I met AFTER the marriage ended. If you start dating a woman you have known for years, your ex wife could bring that into court and call her a 'homewrecker' and 'he must have been seeing her while we were married'. Make life easier and don't date for a while, which it sounds like you are already doing.
Anyway, hope that helps. Feel free to contact me if you have any other questions. I am not an expert but know a few things about divorce (more than I wanted to know, believe me).
Steve C. Saint Louis, MO  | |
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| coping with the hardest decision of my life.
Posted: 2/24/2007 8:31:15 AM | Good advice-in addition to counseling for the kids and yourself, BOTH parents need to constantly tell the kids, over and over, 'IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT'. Your counselors can coach you on how to say this, but you need to. The kids also need a support group for kids of parents who divorced. This is invaluable. Kids tend to think they are the 'only ones' who feel like they do and it is very healing to be with kids who have also been through divorce, in a support group setting.
Steve C. Saint Louis, Mo  | |
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