| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 1/18/2007 4:08:27 AM |
If you feel the comment is pleasant/unpleasant by nature, then you should interpret it in that way regardless of how you feel about the source. It seems illogical to do otherwise.
I would be upset if my Bf said "i hate you" but not a two year old. I would feel good if my bf said I am falling in love with you..but not a stranger...Of course the source matters..
Yes, I see what you are saying. The point I'm trying to make is a bit subtle and difficult to get correct the first time. Let me revise:
If 2 men give the same lewd comment to a woman, and the MEANING of the words is the same in both contexts, then it seems reasonable to interpret them in the same way. When your two year old says "I hate you", she doesn't mean that; she's just upset.
The CONTEXT can change the meaning of words. But given that the context is the same, why overlook a lewd comment, which you have decided is derogatory/offensive, just because you like a guy? It is still derogatory/offensive. | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 1/18/2007 6:31:19 AM |
To make a comparison, would this be like a woman saying
"Hey, those are nice clothes you have there. And a nice watch too. I bet your wallet is so full of money!"
You also state, correctly, that the above is NOT a welcome compliment....I don't look at it as a compliment at all; I interpret the statement as: "I want what you have but don't give a rat's a$$ about you or how you feel". It's all about self gratification. So, obviously, we don't look at it the same way; you see 'compliment', I see 'selfishness'. Depends on where you're at and how you're looking at it. | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 1/18/2007 6:59:41 AM | | Addendum: I realize that several times you've stated that you, personally, want the whole package and that you're simply pondering the question and asking it outloud. My explanation of "why" wasn't directed at you personally, but for those who honestly don't understand why some women feel their approach is disrespectful. | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 1/18/2007 7:14:00 AM | [quoteI'm also learning an interesting opinion here. The "that's all he's interested in" opinion. You could be right, and probably are. But that's a pretty quick judgement, when you aren't able to read his thoughts. You're inserting your own judgement to make it a reality in your opinion, when from his point of view, you don't know what he's thinking. No judgement there, just interesting.
Therein lies the problem, my friend! What was expressed verbally is all the info a person has to 'go on'! | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 1/18/2007 10:13:26 PM |
i'm not one to say 'men are pigs' but on those occasions... yea... i'll admit... that's what I'm thinking.
Alright time to rock the boat...
...time for all you gals to fess up....in a way we're ALL "pigs"...the clear difference is that women keep those thoughts hidden until just the right time...
...you'd be lying to yourself if you said otherwise...to a certain extent we're all horny f*ckers....women just know to keep their mouths shut for a while...cause innuendo and intrigue is attractive....
...it's not about disrespect! it's about being turned off....do you really EXPECT a total stranger to respect you for who you are? Someone said all you have to go on is the words...well...all these jack@sses are just going on visuals...and complimenting you in a very unattractive way.....end of story | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 1/20/2007 8:37:01 AM | "the clear difference is that women keep those thoughts hidden until just the right time..."
DUHHHHHHHH... That is the point!!!! The question posed is about why those comments are disrespectful..
"it's not about disrespect! it's about being turned off"
WOW you are on a roll.. point #2!! It is disrespectful AND a turn off if a guy is all primitive about his compliments... "arg.. boobies.. arg.. like"....
We are trying to give you guys a little advice here.. a bit of an understanding.. we are not saying we don't like sex.. or that we don't like a guy to notice our features.. we ask that you do it with some tact.. pay attention.. you'll go a lot farther... a lot faster if you just take note of what has been said in this forum and others. | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 1/20/2007 1:59:38 PM |
WOW you are on a roll.. point #2!! It is disrespectful AND a turn off if a guy is all primitive about his compliments... "arg.. boobies.. arg.. like"....
Can any gal provide me with a well thought out and logical explanation of why you feel disrespected if a guy tells you he likes your boobs or your @ss?
...ok ok...so you think that no guy should just see you as a sex object...fair enough...but they're not approaching you saying "Hey you look like you'd only be good for a quick little romp" ...see men usually say what they mean...so when he says "nice tits" it means he likes your boobs....and nothing more...
...yes, it is possible to read into something too much... | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 1/20/2007 3:23:07 PM | ok this seems to be very confusing to men so i'll try to lay it out simply.
right, if a man brings up sex with a woman he hasnt even met yet let alone had any sort of relationship with it is offensive.
that is because it shows you guys are just thinking of us as free prostitutes!!!
no woman wants to think the man only wants her for her body
so PLEASE STOP asking us sexual questions WE DONT LIKE IT! | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 1/20/2007 3:30:48 PM | I have tons of thought on this one. I am all for being able to banter back and forth and I can flirt quite well. I am honest enough that I will talk about sex if someone starts that conversation. My lack of interest in that person comes out the moment they cannot change to any other topic. The occasional sexual innuendo, compliment or casual conversation is fine. The fact of the matter is that most men that I've talked to ..once able to discuss the topic of sex with me ....are never able to return to any other topic of conversation.
I actually had this "argument" with someone on POF recently. We started out with a great conversation. He then started to discuss sex on our second conversation. I laughed and talked with him - no big deal. The problem was ..the third and fourth conversations immediately started with sex talk. I kindly asked him to change the topic. I kindly told him that while it was flattering that he wanted into my pants ..he needed to show that he liked other aspects of me as well. He apologized. Then fifth conversation ..sex talk again.
It seems that in his haste to get into my pants ..he was actually getting further and further away from his goal. | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 1/20/2007 5:46:18 PM |
Dude, I swear to god if I am at the dx and see some old dude checking me out I make sure he knows I think that is great AND FLATTERING. Is that what you are talking about??????? Peace.
Well, it's not what I'm looking for as far as this thread. But, knowing whether she likes it or not is a HUGE help.
It's all about perspective. "The moon sure is dark tonight." "What are you talking about? The moon is bright and full tonight!" It all depends on which side you're looking at.
but they're not approaching you saying "Hey you look like you'd only be good for a quick little romp" ...see men usually say what they mean...so when he says "nice tits" it means he likes your boobs....and nothing more...
right, if a man brings up sex with a woman he hasnt even met yet let alone had any sort of relationship with it is offensive.
that is because it shows you guys are just thinking of us as free prostitutes!!!
Answer found. Women tend to read too much into comments because they have a predefined answer already set in their head. (that will be defended, whether it's true or not.) Use of deception (in the form of tactfulness) is the most desired path of action according to this thread. Honesty is not wanted and must be hidden. Got it. Life makes more sense now. | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 2/8/2007 9:44:07 AM | | Well i think its not about the sex thing, its how people talk about it. I think every girl does get a little shy talking about it so suttle people dont mind. I also think women dont like talkin about sex cause it used to classed as the wrong thing somepeople were bought up correctly with these morals | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 2/8/2007 12:40:38 PM | Treat every women like you would want your mom, your sister, or your daughter to be treated, because every woman is that to someone. Would you want some guy telling your mom he wanted to f*ck her? I don' t think so. The same goes for men, with women... Your dad, your brother, your son.
Sex is an intimate act and heavy discussion of it should be limited to people you are intimate with. Not some bozo who sent you an IM.
I have worked mostly in fields that are primarily male, and I have heard men say more than once, that a man would have sex with almost any woman, just to see what it was like. So, am I flattered? Not really... | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 2/8/2007 6:19:29 PM | It has to do with What and How it is said.
Women think the same as men do, we also know if you are do-able when we first see you. But we don't go around saying it. We say it in different ways... by the look in our eye, or the way we smile at you or touch you when we are talking to you. It is called showing interest in you and flirting at the same time.
Cheers to the one who mentioned the wallet... that was good. Next time we should walk up to a guy and say, that is a big buldge in your back pocket, is is loaded with cash????  | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 2/8/2007 8:25:00 PM | It's because we're geared to think differently, and sex is just one of the many lovely examples of that.
Consider things like how one night stands are viewed. Men: Woo! Go you dog you! Women: Gee, bit of a slut eh?
We have to think first. A guy can behave in a sexual manner and it's accepted; even approved of. He's a man, he's 'supposed' to. A woman is immediately pegged as a slut, whore, pick a euphamism. And we become aware of this sort of thing *early* on in life. So it shapes us. How we think, how we want to be approached, how we want to be spoken to. Because if a man comes up to us and immediately behaves sexually, we think it's because he saw something about us that told him "She's a slut". And that ticks us off. | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 2/8/2007 8:34:55 PM | Because if a man comes up to us and immediately behaves sexually, we think it's because he saw something about us that told him "She's a slut". And that ticks us off.
One of the better ones so far.
Wow. Did not know this. Well, I mean I've heard it, but the perspective just clicked right into place with this one.
This is what has been baffling me. And I don't think men really think that way at all....ok, maybe occasionally, but for the majorty, it's more of a "see target...go after target." thought process. And not much more. And maybe a little bit of "easy target that won't give me trouble." thought process thrown in there. I don't think the slut judgement comes into play, at least not very often. There's a difference in there somewhere. | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 2/8/2007 10:17:26 PM |
Can any gal provide me with a well thought out and logical explanation of why you feel disrespected if a guy tells you he likes your boobs or your @ss?
We have to think first. A guy can behave in a sexual manner and it's accepted; even approved of. He's a man, he's 'supposed' to. A woman is immediately pegged as a slut, whore, pick a euphamism. And we become aware of this sort of thing *early* on in life. So it shapes us. How we think, how we want to be approached, how we want to be spoken to. Because if a man comes up to us and immediately behaves sexually, we think it's because he saw something about us that told him "She's a slut". And that ticks us off.
I think we have a winner...I'm aware of certain "false beliefs" that get drilled into our unconscious...but obviously never had that perspective before...funny how when something's pointed out to us...it becomes so bloody obvious.... | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 2/1/2008 7:29:58 AM | Let me try to give you my perspective. Pretend you meet this great girl and you have an awesome conversation with her. You talk to her for about an hour and everything is cool and you are really connecting. You think wow! this chick is cool! She tells you how much she loves steak. Well you like steak too so you talk about it with her. A few dates pass and you realize that it is the ONLY thing she will talk about. You start to get annoyed! You try to change the subject... “guess what I read in the paper today?” “what?? did they discover that humans live longer if they eat steak every day?” “ummmm... no. I read a story about a dog who saved a 3 year old from a well” “a dog? I bet you that dog likes t bones. that reminds me... we should have London broil tonight, we haven't had that in a while!” You finally decide you've had it and you tell her that you can't see her anymore.
The next week you meet another girl and she seems totally cool! Everything you're looking for! Smart, good looking, intelligent, but 30 minutes into the first date she starts to talk about steak. She won't change the subject and you realize this one isn't the one either. 15 girls later and the same thing has repeated itself. You start to find yourself completely repulsed by the very mention of steak! If one more girl tries to talk to you about their steak preferences you are going to SCREAM! Now it doesn't change the fact that you still enjoy steak very much..... if you go out to eat at a nice restaurant you will still order steak off the menu and enjoy every minute of it but you don't want to TALK about it, and you will NOT go with one of the girls who won't stop talking about it. You want to enjoy it not hear them yapping on and on about it!
Does that communicate clearly guys?
I personally, don't find it offensive or disrespectful when a man brings up sex. I think that it's very flattering. After all, who among us does not want to be viewed as attractive sexually to the opposite gender. I even found it flattering to be told by the old guy in the grocery store “I don't mind the lines in here because at least I have a good view” Creepy yes..... but it was a compliment.
That being said, I don't typically continue to date or stay in contact with a man who talks about sex early on. It's not that I have a problem with it..... it's just that it indicates for me that he's not likely to have what it takes to turn me on. I find it sexy to have a long intellectual conversation with a man. I want a man who can stimulate me mentally. Any man can get the job done sexually, but it takes something more to really stand out from the crowd. Even in the wild it is the extraordinary who get the best pick of the mates. Talking about sex just isn't extraordinary. Chances are if you are complimenting a woman on her attractive breasts it is because she has attractive breasts. If that's the case she's heard it before. It's leaves us with a “good morning captain obvious” experience.
Consider for a moment that talking about sex is somewhat common place and mundane. We live in a society where we are inundated with sex and sexual topics and it's just not that unique. If you really want to catch a girls attention and increase you're chances of actually EXPERIENCING sex with her you may consider noticing, and complimenting her on, something not as obvious.
One of the best experiences I ever had, was with a man who I talked for hours with. He didn't bring up sex at all during our dates and conversations but the more he talked the more turned on I got! In the middle of one particularly brilliant conversation about religion he simply leaned over and kissed me. He had me hook, line, and sinker..... not once did he have to say..... “hey you got nice tits can I touch 'em?”
Joanna | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 2/1/2008 8:10:47 AM |
I find it sexy to have a long intellectual conversation with a man. I want a man who can stimulate me mentally. Any man can get the job done sexually, but it takes something more to really stand out from the crowd.
Exactly. Nobody wants a vanilla experience, people want fireworks, sizzle, and passion.
Talking about sex just isn't extraordinary.
You miss the OPs point -- he thinks it is extraordinary because he gets shut down quickly when he does talk about it and I'm afraid your message is falling on deaf ears.
Even though it's a year old I reread quite a bit of this thread and to the OPs point, you were so close but you just missed the point of my electromagnetism post. You didn't even try to figure out the rules. I'm surprised you didn't follow up on it by starting threads exploring that. | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 2/1/2008 10:58:49 AM | It's a bad idea too early because it sets the tone for the relationship that follows. If you start out with sex talk, then that becomes a central theme of conversation and thoughts about each other. That's the basis for everything you do. Although this can be plenty entertaining and lots of fun, it isn't necessarily the best course for a 'serious' relationship to take.
Do I enjoy talking about sex? Sure - probably a lot more than some people, and less then another group. Probably a lot more than you would think, actually:) Is it the best way to approach me? Hell no. I want to start building a relationship and trust with one person, that will involve all aspects of life including sexuality. Killing time having a fun little sex/erotic conversation online, on the phone, in person, too early just kills time and detracts from my ultimate goal. It ends up putting someone out of the running, because it's too soon to launch into it. Patience will get you much farther than jumping the gun - and be far more rewarding, I'd say. | |
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| Tell me why bringing up sexual topics is disrespectful
Posted: 3/17/2008 8:50:17 AM | Ok I haven't read all the posts on here so if I have repeated any I appologise.... or could it be a sign of respect....
Op let me answer with two different views on why it can be something that is not welcome.
1. Some people on here do not tell the truth about who they are... and sometimes put up a different photo, lie about their age etc. (it is true honest!).
So there I am telling someone that I haven't met, intimate details about my sexual preferences, and saying that I would like a sh*g. I think I am talking to someone who's age, looks, interests etc are what they say on their profile.
Imagine how I would feel when on meeting them. (I am not that interested in just talking to someone via the computer) they are.... 21 years old, or morbidly obese with no personal hygiene and pick there nose and scratch their ar***. Yes I have met people who's online personalities are nothing like their real life persona. I would be a tad embarrassed.. and quite disgusted. (No insult to 21 year olds ... but I am 46 and would feel like a child corrupter).
Ok scenario 2.
Most people welcome sex with a person that they have decided that this is the way to go. So what is wrong with cutting through the time thing and go strait to the point?
Well I think you would agree that in a long term relationship presents would be exchanged. So how would you like us girls to say in our first contact....
So do you give expensive presents! Not a good thing to do.
I hope this makes things a little clearer for you
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