| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/15/2007 5:49:47 PM | | Personally I believe if a parent cannot or will not be there for their children, especially by choice, then after a year if it hasn't changed then I would consider seeking legal action to have them sign off on their parental rights and any chances of visitation. If a parent chooses to cut a child out of their life then the child is better off without them IMO. But ultimately the decision will be that of the OP. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/16/2007 1:34:07 PM | juzlookin35 I totally agree with you!
Regardless of his choice it is his obligation to contribute to his child's financial needs. Being that he may very well be a child himself, the accountability could benefit him in growing up. If I were his parent I would cut him no slack on this issue, yes what about the child's grandparents? they too
can be a source of support with much love to give as well.
It is very sound advise you give re: leaving the door open should he have a change of heart or attitude, unless of course there are abuse issues, that is another story all together. There are so many things to consider when it comes to choices about what is in the child's best interest.
I do know that a loving extended family is a good thing. So reach out to them also if you know them as loving people. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/16/2007 4:18:45 PM | | babes my babys dad doesnt want to know our daughter either at first i was v.dissapointed then i was upset then i just got angry and thought what the hell i dont want his money or even his support now but i knew the one thing that would get him the most would be applying for child support the fact that he works for child support helped cos now i know all his collegues and bosses know what hes like good luck sweet when the times rite u will know what to do x | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/16/2007 5:53:32 PM | | His mother passed away and his dad is a total jerk. He didn't want me to keep the baby and told my ex to tell me. All he cares about is his money and nothing else, not even his own children. He never showed them any love (in my opinion) all he knows how to do is throw some money their way whenever they have a problem (again only what I have seen) But I have to say my ex's sisters have been really nice, they have seen her a couple times, and even brought her some gifts for Christmas. It makes me sad because I know they want to be more of a part in my daughter's life but probably feel a bit uncomfortable visiting knowing the situation between me and their brother. But everytime I see them I make a point of it to be as welcoming and nice as possible, they never did anything wrong. Hopefully in the future things can be a bit more comfortable and they'll be able to see her more often. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/16/2007 5:59:22 PM | So I've decided that some replies were right. I emailed him and told him that the door is open and that if he wants to see her he can. I know he won't act on this but at least I will know that I didn't keep him away.
Now all I have to worry is the child support, it would be really helpfull to have a few extra bucks a month to buy some diapers and formula... | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/16/2007 7:42:34 PM | | Through a mans view just let him be. You need to worry about your child and not what a little boy is doing. No offence if he had nuts he would be there for his child. On child support just go to your local court and they will direct you how to do it. I thinkl they can only take 20% of what he makes. Another tihing you should keep being nice it will drive him nuts. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/16/2007 8:25:26 PM | One Wild Ride - congrats on having a healthy baby girl.
Here is my advice - leave him alone. You cannot make someone want to bond with their child and forcing it will only frustrate you.
As for child support - if you can survive without it, leave it be or be prepared for more frustration...if he doesn't want to be a Dad, he sure as H*ll won't want to pay child support.
I have two children, the first is now 12. His dad has never paid child support, nor has he really been that involved in his life. He is not in my opinion a dead-beat Dad simply because I choose to believe that he did what he felt was best for our son....stayed out of his life. He wasn't ready to be a Dad to him. He has become more involved the last couple of years but he is still pretty inconsistent with his attention.
My other child is 2 in Feb...her Dad wanted me to abort but after she was born, he was in there like a dirty shirt. We have joint physical custody 50/50 of her and I'm happy with that situation. She has two parents that love her and provide for her, even though she has two separate homes. The best under the circumstances.
Beware of the bitterness and the anger...learn to let it go and your daughter will one day appreciate you all the more for it.
Be careful of becoming one of those "he's gonna pay" women...your child will see it and feel like a meal ticket. Is that how you want your daughter to feel?
Focus on being a mom and loving your daughter. She needs someone who will love her unconditionally, care for her with gentle loving hands. If her father comes around, he has to do that on his own and DO NOT STAND IN HIS WAY!!!! You need to find other moral, physical support separate from her father because it does not sound like he wants to be there for you. You will need some moral and physical support....that is a guarantee. Find that with other women or other single parents....join a support group if you have to. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/16/2007 9:00:26 PM | Yes you CAN deal with this! I know it's not easy, but you just might surprise yourself!
1st thing you should do is call your county's Domestic Relation's office. They will take it from there! 2nd, call your local Big Brothers/Big Sisters chapter and see if there's a waiting list.
(they can be quite long sometimes) They have wonderful programs for children with a missing parent.
In an ideal world this wouldn't happen, unfortunately it's a common and sad reality. His loss!!
Believe me when I tell you; when (and if) he grows up, he'll regret the choices he made. He
wouldn't be a positive role model for your daughter with his present mentality, so find someone who will show her what a real man acts like! My prayers are with you OP! Keep your chin up!!! I was once in your shoes...She's now a BEAUTIFUL 18 yr. old strong woman, and her Father regrets being the arss he was! | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/17/2007 4:45:21 AM | Contact your local Dept. of social services to get the ball rolling You should get a lawyer to help you pursue child support.... If you have financial limitations, social services can direct you to free legal services for lawyer... Here in Maryland it is called Legal Aide...
You can't control what he does. but don't allow him to use your concern for your daughter against you... Don't say you can't see her... Spell out very specifically (and put it in writing) what the expectations are for him to be involved in her life... Then it won't be you keeping him from her... it will be his decision
How old if he... if he is "young and dumb" he may comee around... alot will depend on his level of maturity and sense of responsibility.
Either way don't think that because he is not involved in her life that lets him off the hook finciancially for helping to raise her. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/17/2007 8:03:36 AM | I myself am a single parent, and been supporting my kids since 1992 by myself, and let me tell you it's tough. As far as wanting the ex to be part of your daughters life, it's pretty sad when you see a parent NOT wanting to be with there child, but you can't force him / her to do something they don't want. I was lucky that the father wanted to be part of the kids lives, but he did such a bad job, that the kids don't really care about him, and there learning on there own WHY i left him, and how irresponsible he is. He hasn't given me any child support since 1992......I took him to court and really got nowhere so sometimes courts DON'T help. He moved in with mommy and daddy, and got on welfare, so that way he got away with paying 50 dollars a month....did the first payment and then stopped....went in arrears for 10 years, and then got his license suspended because of the moneys owed. He payed what he owed, and haven't seen a dime since. I'm the one that buys them all there clothes, boots, shoes, school supplies, etc etc etc and get no help from him. In fact I served him with papers to go to small claims court because 3 years ago i loaned him 3000 dollars, and he still hasn't payed me, but have to do it because I need the money back. I know your probably saying...."Why did you loan him the money in the first place?" Well i'm a nice person and felt bad for him and the not having a roof over his head for my kids to go spend there week or weekends there, so thought i'd help. Me crosses fingers that small claims court will help...in the process now. And also in the process is the to fix the arrears of the child support he hasn't paid so far. It's tough being a single parent, and sometimes I find myself crying because I am tired of doing it on my own because financially it gets hard, and makes it hard for ME to have a life because i'm spending ALL my money on the kids, and get no support.
My advice.......leave him be....if he wants to be part of your life, he'll come.....and for the child support....I'd go see legal aid.....and hope for the best......good luck | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/17/2007 8:14:57 AM | O.K. two reasons I am going to post here. And I am speaking from experience here.
First of all you are in Canada, the best country there is! Canada takes care of its own and there are benefits out there for single moms. And I'm not talking about welfare, even though that is an option if you are desperate. Have you looked into low income supplement? Where depending on the wage you make, the government will help you out by giving you x many dollars a month. All it takes is a simple phone call to get it started. Also you are going to school from what it says in your profile. The government will pay part of your course too, usually. Family allowance and universal child benefit should be helping you. You are not screwed too bad, just be careful with your money. Why hope for child support? Why even try to rely on him for it. Really think about it, if he doesn't even want to see her what makes you think he is going to want to pay for her? Rely on yourself. You are her only real parent. You are the one who takes care of her, feeds her, changes her and Loves her. so why rely on someone else for the money part, when you can't rely on him for anything else?
Second of all, he wasn't there for you when you were pregnant, he's not there for your child, some people say, wait and see if he will come around. Stupid, as far as i think. Did you have to learn to love her?
Did you have to learn to care about her or worry if she was fed or clothed?
No it came naturally. Yes some people you do have to take the time to fall in love with, BUT NOT YOUR OWN CHILD.
If there is no love there now, no desire to take care of, no worry for, no wanting to see her, its not going to change.
And Remember, NO DAD IS BETTER THAN A BAD DAD.
Good luck, and remember your child always comes first. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/17/2007 11:35:46 AM | Well Dayna-D
Your totally right about the not trying to have someone love his own child when he wasn't there for her pregnancy or after the birth, but when you talk about the low income housing???? Well let me tell you i'm speaking from EXPERIENCE.....i've been on the list for low income housing now for the last 6 years and STILL WAITING and they told me that now the waiting list goes up to 8 years and by then my kids will be old enough to be on there own, and I won't need it then because i'll be on my own....so how does that help me????????????? I've been on social assistance before and they don't give you enough to survive on here.....and i'm TALKING FROM EXPERIENCE.......it's TOUGH out there. Also when you don't have any family to support you or help, nor the courts because they've done all they can.....THEN what do you do when your kids need something, but can't afford it????
My situation is.........I left ex in 1992, and now he's with another women....married her, and has two kids with HER and supports her kids and my kids are left on the back burner, and still owes ME money. I gave up trying with him because he's a LOOSER. I just can't get over how some people think they know everything about being a single parent, and try to tell you what to do when they don't have any kids themselves.......I guess they think there perfect in every way, and KNOW EVERYTHING. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/17/2007 12:08:17 PM | This really hits home! I know that my daughter has problems all the time when it comes to the father of her babies. He is a loser.. and so are his parents. My oldest granddughter's grandparents love and support her since their son passed.. and they are extreme grandparents.. there is nothing my granddaughter needs or wants.. they been great grandparents to her.. they have also been great to her younger children too.
Sometimes it takes knowing the man you get involved with.. and if he is a family man or not.. and if he respects his parents or not.. and if he really enjoys the fact you love, support and honor your parents and appreciate all they have done for you in life. I guess what I'm saying is.. you really have to examine the mind of the one who will be the father of your children.
My daughter's ex can't get his license now.. because the gov. can't collect support from him. He has also spent time in jail for not taking care of his other children too.
The grands and my daughter live with me.. and it seems since I babysit I can really get a great workout during the day.. and by the end of the day I'm ready for alone time.
I'm so amazed.. because a man doesn't want to be around his children.. nor does his parents.. when are the greatest blessings someone can be given to by God! | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/17/2007 1:15:51 PM | The mother of my son has next to nothing to do with our son, and she pays no child support. She has given me a grand total of $40 since I left her when he was almost 4 months old, he is now 2 years and 3 months old.
If the father of your child is as much of a loser as she is, then I say don't push it, let him have nothing to do with the child, you're better off. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/17/2007 1:19:30 PM | It's unfortunate, but this sort of thing happens all too often. I'm in the same position, my wife left almost 4 years ago, my son has not seen her in over six months, and we havn't seen a nickle from her......etc, etc, etc.....
Remember, no matter what he does, you need to be the reasonable one! Try to stay positive for the childs sake, be careful what you say in your childs presence, remember, she is really young now, but she'll pick things up sooner than you think.
You can't force him to be part of the childs life, but you can leave the door open for him, it's up to him to walk through. I would however find yourself legal council, see if you can get child support from him.
A word of encouragement......IT DOES GET EASIER!!!! | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/17/2007 1:58:40 PM | | I too am a single mother, his "sperm donor" decided he didn't want to be a father about two days after I found out I was pregnant. Your daughter will grow up and she will know the truth about who denied who what. If I were you I would contact the Office of Recovery Services and ask them to help with obtaining your child support. This way you won't have to contact him. It is important that she know her father but there is only so much you can do. Open the door but don't put up with his crap. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/17/2007 7:49:10 PM | first off you cant force him to be a man and if he has no desire to be with his child he is most definately not a man.you do have the right to have help with the support for your child so what you need to do is make an application in court for child support.with you being a canadian there are guidelines for support and when you go to the court house ask one of the clerks they will give you a copy of them.
dont try force him hopefully he will grow up if not then his is missing the best part of his life
good luck hope all works out for you and your child | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/17/2007 7:52:59 PM | NotAPlayer,
First of all< i didn't say anything about low income housing, I said low income SUPPLEMENT.
Second of all, I know damn well what it is like to be a single mom. My ex left me when I was 5 months pregnant with our second child, when our first one was only 1 years old. I know what it is like to scrape by on welfare and I know what it is like to work 10 hour shifts, 6 days a week, pregnant and still getting up through the night with a 1 year old. I know what it is like to lay in bed at night and wonder how you are going to pay your bills. To never have money for even a haircut or a new shirt. I know what it is like to wonder how that selfish p.rick can go on with his life when every single day is a struggle. AND I KNOW THAT IT CAN BE DONE. So before you start telling me that I don't know what its like, first ask yourself, how the fuk would you know if I do know or not.
Third of all, get over it, move on, you'll be better for it and so will your kids.
As for low income housing they go on a need basis. Ever think that maybe there were people who had it a little worse than you. There THATS MY EXPERIENCE. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore! / reply
Posted: 1/18/2007 2:25:20 AM | The best thing for you to do at this time is to forget him and get busy with your daughter. She is more important. To start go to the Provincal building in your city. Go to social services and get custody of your daughter. This will be done threw a lawyer. The X will have to appear with his lawyer and present a case to claim custody or pay child support. From what you say he will pay the money instead of the custody. He maybe granted time to see his daughter or may give that right up. That will be up to him. This is all you can expect from him at this time and maybe a long time after. Raise your daughter the best way you can. Social services will be there to help if needed. As for your "X". Time may pass and he may feel different about his daughter and you. He may try to see her and call you. Tell him to apply at family court to do so. If he doesn't change there is nothing more you can do for your daughter and him. If this is what he wishes, then he was never a man to begin with. A men is someone who is responsible to his partner and family and childen. If he neglects his responsiblities then he was never a men to start with and may never turn into one. Time is the one factor that will tell the truth. Sometimes this can take a life time to some. That has nothing to do with you and your relatiuonship with him. He is the one that has to be the man. Take care of yourself, your daughter will need all the help she can get from you. You are the strong one now and she needs you more then anything else in the world. Don't be a victim. Be strong, and try your best to stay that way. Your still young and there are more good men out there for you. You have alot of time to find one that will love you and your daughter. I know about this I had gone threw this myself after my first girlfriend of 20 years left me with our daughter. I found someone new too who needed me more. She had 4 children and we raised them together. She has sinced passed away and I will never forget what we did together. She died young but our children will love her forever. Stay strong.
Ian | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/18/2007 2:25:32 AM | | I'm a single dad of two girls age 8 and 9 yrs. I read a bunch of the other responses and can see not much help. Your the only one who can fill in the blanks. You have to ask yourself do I need the financial help, if you do persue it throu the state, but like some said don't count on it. If he fights it or keeps changing jobs you will have your answer loud and clear. let him go and move on with your life. If he does pay, leave the door open JUST A LITLE. I never knew my real dad and I'm 47 now and to this day wish I knew who he was. When your daughter gets older she may want to know who he is. Tell her his name and let her decide if she wants to find him. But always be honest with your daughter on who he was. It's his loss and your gain on watching and teaching your daughter grow. My daughters are a little peace of heaven on earth for me, first words, first step, through the dipers, potty training, learning to ride a bike, first day of school, and now seeing them becomming independent. Do the best you can and don't worry about him. It's hard I know just teach your daughter LOVE, and the smiles will out weigh the pain. A Friend | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/18/2007 7:56:46 AM | First of all I never said YOU were not a single mother and didn't know what it's like.....I wasn't talking about YOU when i said something in the lines of people thinking they know everything and being perfect.......was talking about people with NO KIDS.......I KNOW YOU HAVE KIDS....SAW YOUR F******* PROFILE OK???????.......Second of all I've done all the working 12 hours, 6 days a week and KNOW HOW IT IS.....been there done that.....i'm TWICE YOUR AGE, AND WAS 12 WHEN YOU WERE BORN....so i have a little more experience then you but don't think i'm better then you.....we all have our different experiences.....so i don't know where you get off accusing me of thinking differently of you......NEVER said anything bad about you. I myself had a newborn when my daughter was only 1 1/2 SO I KNOW ALSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. And yes it can be done.....but it's NOT F***** EASY...that you must at least agree on, I still sit there and wonder how the bills will be paid sometimes, but manage to do it all by myself. So DON'T tell me to get over it.....YOU GET OVER IT.......I've done nothing wrong but post my opinion..........I've moved on and my kids ARE better for it....in fact they can't stand there father, for the looser he is. Now as far as the low income housing going to the needy people, YES I KNOW SOME HAVE IT WORSE THEN ME..........I've seen it since i've WORKED FOR SHELTERS.......I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE ALSO.
SO GET OFF YOUR HATRED, AND CHEER UP A LITTLE BIT.......sheesh | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/18/2007 8:04:48 AM | | So just to let your know i know what u are going through. I have not seen my sons father since i was 3 months pregnant. You can keep being nice but rite now honestly it may do more harm than good. If you want to go for child support call the legal aide office and get an appointment. If you want anymore inforamtion or just want someone to talk to u can message me at iilovepoohbear@hotmail.com.my name is colleen | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/18/2007 10:10:43 AM | I have to tell you that I've been there, my ex walked out on me when I was 7 months pregnant and pretty much cut all ties with us, I decided not to push the issue, and have raised her on my own for tha past 10 years, this past summer he found us through a family member and has since been spending every other weekend w her. Its a hard choice to make, sometimes I feel that she was better off, you can't force him to be there, but you can force him to be responsible, eventually he will grow up, until then stand strong
P.S. you can go to any family court and pick up the necessary forms, you could also find them online on the government of Ontario website
Goodluck | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/20/2007 3:34:02 PM | | hi, its hard to stay civil when they are being so bullheaded and with the blinkers on. ive been single for 2 years now and i took the civil , lets be nice and hope he changes and hope he starts to act like a rational human being way......but no im afraid thats when they see their chance to run rings round you and do whatever the hell they want. some men are hopeless and not worth the hassle and stress of trying to be civil to them. toughen up and make him see your not gonna be walked over. then get on and raise your baby girl to be the same. and the courts will make him pay. get advice from a laywer and get what your daughter deserves and is entitled to. good luck.x | |
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