| mable my dear
Posted: 6/19/2008 6:35:43 PM | My my, I'm getting a reputation
For stirring up old conflagration
It's really absurd
When it's Ice and the Bird
Who have all the words for sexual integration | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/20/2008 6:48:32 AM | There's a new blow up doll named Mable
that's what it says on the label
the likeness is uncanny
especially her fanny
so I threw my money on the table
Now dollies really aren't my thing
I would much prefer a fling
with someone real
but this doll made me feel
like I could recapture Mable's zing
When I got her home all alone
I swear that I heard her moan
my knees got weak
but it was only a leak
and my insidious plans were blown
til I found my trusty duct tape
and put some on her scrape
then I reinflated
while she fellated
which got us both back in shape
Well you all know the end of the story
I am now feeling really sorry
to tread on her memory
is not too exemplary
and Mable was never so boring
But they'll market anything to make a buck
and I fell for it like such a schmuck
Mable had that effect
to get men erect
then their large brains self-destruct
I hope the proceeds went to Mable's estate
then I'd feel better but still not great
it should be a crime
to make a dime
off of anyone past heaven's gate | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/20/2008 2:22:09 PM | I once loved a blow up doll
She did not mind I had only one ball
Her skin was like rubber
My Maw called her a scrubber
She was the start of my terrible downfall
We lived as common law man and wife
Until my mother took to her a knife
My mother was done
For killing the wife of her son
Leaving me without a partner in my life
Oh how I missed her silence
And not to mention her compliance
She never said no
If I wanted a go
And engaging her was not rocket science
I strongly recommend a woman made out of laytex
Much better than the real thing for having sex
Skin without hairs
Waxed downstairs
And you never have to wear a durex | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/22/2008 5:19:06 AM | There was an old man from Newtownabbey
Who sent a letter for advice to Dear Abbey
He was wetting the bed
Everytime he got head
He asked did this make him a real saddie
Dear Abbey worte back and asked for a meeting
Then she gave the old man a special greeting
She wanted to see how much
He could expel from his crutch
She agreed there would never be any beating
She advised the old man to buy a bucket
But he said don't be stupid just suck it
Abbey hit him a clout
Called him an old lout
And told the old man to go fcuk it | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/22/2008 9:32:38 AM | Sister Mary told me she had a very bad habit
This happened to her every other Sabbath
She tore of her skirt
Ripped of my shirt
Jez she jumped on me like some wild rabbit
She asked me to wear only a dog collar
And asked when I came if I could also holler
She say I must shout
Without a shadow of doubt
Thank you, thank you, dear holy father
When we had mad sex she called me Father Ted
Cause she said he was the best one in bed
She took of her slip
Handed me a whip
Six times a night Sister Mary got laid
Sister Mary refused to go to confession
She said it was because of her catholic profession
She could not confess to Old Ted
With a Prod she had got laid
Six times the night after the Twelth Procession
Sister Mary and Martha asked for a joint session
The night after both had been to confession
Three in a bed
Twelve times I got laid
I now give thanks for religious passion
 | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/22/2008 9:45:20 AM | The Minister from the Manse heard I had been with Mary
He asked if she hailed from the good City of Londonderry
I said I would ask
He near fell on his ass
When I said Mary replied she came from the Bogside in the City of Derry
The Presbyterian Minister said I was on the road to hell
Having sex with a Catholic who was a nun as well
He was still on the ground rolling
When his collar was stolen
That night Mary asked me to tie her to the chapel bells
Jez having sex in the Chapel under the ringing bells
Was absolutely wondeful it cast magical spells
The bells rang in motion
To hide Mary's commotion
I was told later Old Ted condemned me straight to hell
My piss de resistance | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:37:53 AM | Catholic, Protestant, Baptist and Jew
All hung up and full of taboo
I think it best
to worship sex
may all the religious just go screw
But of course I am spiritual I said to her
in hopes she wouldn't consider me a godless cur
she bought it I think
so I bought her a drink
and her morals waned as she began to slur
on her bedside was the New Testament
medieval myths without precedent
I said where's the proof
she nearly went thru the roof
and said I was way too decadent
you will burn in hell for being so lost
she screamed at me, and I paid the cost
I coulda got laid
if only I'd said
god bless you and made a sign of the cross
so I'm out on the street feeling some contrition
but that quickly changed into a state of sedition
I have no regrets
cause I'll place my bets
she only knew the missionary position
If you are a puritan I ask you what for
do you really think a god is keeping score
of what you do
and who you screw
and if you choose to be a whore
according to the myth its still ok
if you ask for forgiveness in any way
because god love's us all
even after we fall
so lets have a roll in the hay
afterwards we can go and sit in the pew
you absolve me and I'll absolve you
we can say our rosary
it helps supposedly
then go back to your place and screw | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:54:35 PM | some folks tell me I am just the craziest
but really I am simply about the laziest
feel free to call me a jerk
but belief in God is too much work
and that is why I call myself an athiest | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:58:58 PM | So I decided to go into geology
more firm in my mind than theology
I can believe in rock
without taking stock
of faith in someone else's ideology | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/23/2008 3:10:41 PM | Never got my kicks out of digging up rocks
Much rather sit at home and play with my c*ck
But that got boring
So I got to exploring
So now I sit around and wear womens old frocks
But all the women are now size twenty two
That leaves me feeling kinda blue
Cause i'm a size eight
Such is fate
When I try and put on their high heel shoes!
 | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/24/2008 12:06:47 AM | Oh woe, the Bird's feeling blue
Because women are all size 22
But our bounteous generosity
Demands sweet reciprocity
The cushioning effect is worth having too | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/24/2008 1:44:19 AM | When refering to this type of cushion
Presumably intended for pushin'
Be sure to announce
Youv'e enjoyed every ounce
Good manners could save you from squishin' | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/24/2008 5:12:28 AM | Big ladies with those generous proportions
To me my dear are just a distortion
I'm quite petite
With very dainty feet
And in size 22 knickers I look an abortion | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/24/2008 7:21:50 AM | bigger the woman the more to love
i heard that said once from above
just don't let her get on top
for your heart it might stop
so you my man will need to do all the hove
(and bird, you do know what they say about men with dainty feet, don't you??!!!) | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/24/2008 9:58:47 AM | Me lying below a woman with a big bottom
There's nothing I can do at all to stop em
I would just feel used
My manhood abused
I hoped she washed and her bum wasn't rotten
A wee small man lying below a big big woman
There nothing he can do to stop her coming
He can't get up
Or interrup
And his head with her breasts will get a druming!
| |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/24/2008 11:09:54 AM | Big Betty had diddies which were measured in meters
When she produced milk it came in litres
I was nearly drowned
All she did was frowned
Because I nearly choaked on her best features
Big Bertha said she wanted to ride
So she grabbed my tool and lay on her side
I needed a map
To fight through the flap
Jez her big ROSIE bottom was 60 inches wide
Big Bottom Sadie jumped on me in bed
Oh shite it hurt she had just been fed
They had to get a hoist
But she was still moist
And she lost half a stone in water that was then shed
Monsterous Martha took of my clothes
She laughed at my willie as it arose
What's that she said
Am i suppose to give head
From that moment on my ardour has froze
| |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/24/2008 12:45:17 PM | So sad to announce my demise,
I was firmly within the thighs,
tis a surprising reversal
its all in the dispersal
The pressure has affected my eyes. | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/24/2008 1:49:07 PM | With Big Bertha one never knew when one was in
The only way of knowing was watching her grin
She would give a grunt
Call me a wee runt
And shout I win, I win, I win, I win | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/24/2008 2:07:10 PM | Big big women wobbling all around
Love to take my Y fronts down
They are so grumpy
Being big and frumpy
Until I show they something to astound
The big big ladies simply can't believe
How such a small package can decieve
They scream for more
Until they are sore
And agree it's better to receive | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/24/2008 6:53:10 PM | At the bar last night she called me a hunk
then reached down and played with my junk
a beautiful lioness half my age
like she'd been let out of a cage
and I didn't even have to get her drunk
she was tall and lean and rarin to go
so I payed my bill and went with the flow
my place or yours
or do you prefer outdoors
she asked me as we got in the limo
before I could answer her question
she said let me make a suggestion
the oceans' not far
and the skies full of stars
but one thing she failed to mention
why me and not a younger bloke
she said for her older men evoke
strong feelings of lust
just lie back and trust
and damn if that's not when I awoke | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/25/2008 4:26:40 AM | How sad al this was only a dream
Not quite all strawberries and cream
Ones with stars in the skies
Are more certainly nies
Than those waking you up with a scream | |
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| mable my dear
Posted: 6/25/2008 9:45:43 AM | My dreams are fun I end up wet
Then I wake up and often forget
My dog has jumped in bed
He licks me wanting fed
He's a good companion is my old pet
Having wet dreams is not very funny
Everything is sticky and gooey and runny
It happened when I was seven
I thought I never get to heaven
For this big thing was hanging over my tummy
I now look forward to getting really old
I will have wet dreams again so I am told
No more humping and sweating
Or boring heavy petting
Just washing old sheets covered in mould | |
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| Alex's Tavern
Posted: 6/25/2008 11:56:27 AM | There once was a bar e'er friendly
The men there adored every lady
I went for a visit
And got caught up in it
For hisself, he now knows just where to find me | |
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| Alex's Tavern
Posted: 6/25/2008 12:13:12 PM | I asked Juciy Lucy if she wanted a ride
She said come over sit by my side
She whalloped my balls
Said not-at-tall
Bejezzuz I admit i cried and cried
I asked Big Betty if she wanted a quickie
She looked at me and had a sickie
I asked what was her answer
She said I was a chancer
And also wondered if i was a bit of a thickie
I pleaded with wee Mona to let me in
She said sure that would be a cardinal sin
I said I would not tell
If I could ring her bell
Then she called her boyfriend Big Ugly Jim
Getting desperate I reached for my wallet
I decided to pay for a lecherous harlot
I asked how much
Just for a touch
When she said I was as sick as a parrot | |
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| Alex's Tavern
Posted: 6/26/2008 1:03:43 AM | This morning I got up feeling kinda stiff
The viagra had kicked in late and I'd got a new lift
The thing would not go down
Sticking out of my dressing gown
I'm not sure if it's a curse or a wonderful gift
Going to work with a permanent hard
Is not good news for the budding young bard
It gives a false impression
I await the coming recession
For my boss is a lady and I'm a real coward | |
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