| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/3/2008 12:46:39 PM | My solicitor wears black tight pencil skirts
With only two buttons on her pure white shirt
I get distracted
When I'm ressurrected
And start blabbering when she starts to flirt
I wonder if it is part of her legal training
To have her buttons constantly straining
My glasses get foggy
As I imagine doing doggy
But please don't take that as me complaining
One a week we have some private sessions
Where she teaches me some legal expressions
Without prejudice we ride
On top of legal guides
Then she asks me for all my earthly possessions
She says she will screw me through all the courts
If I ever tell the Bar she smokes and snorts
I call that blackmail
Say she'll go to jail
And that I'm an innocent and not her cohort | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/5/2008 12:38:10 PM | My barrister dumped me because of my guilt
She was afraid in case she lost her silk
She said I was no use
Being guilty of abuse
And could no longer be with one of my ilk
One of my ilk! the cheeky young oink!
That's the last time a barrister I boink
I will be more choosey
For my next old floosey
So for the next few weeks i just have a woink
Legal eagles are not my real style
They're OK to have for just a short while
But they continually quote cases
And say primea faces
And want to live in some old stately pile
I think my next girl will be a hostess
The one who has what I call the mostess
So big boobs are on demand
Well shite I am a man
And I don't care if you write and protest | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/6/2008 4:19:41 AM | Out running a girl came up to me
Asked if I wanted her for free
I asked her why
Then she cried
Saying no one wanted to be with she
I said that I was covered in sweat
And asked if she was do this for a bet
She said no
And she was no pro
But wanted a moment that she would not forget
I told her I had just run ten miles
But she just laughed, giggled and smiled
I took of my trunks
Stood at the tree trunk
And waited for what seemed a very long while
She hit my ass with a very big stick
A feeling which made me suddenly sick
She said that her sister
From me had got blistered
And then she whacked me across my d*ck
I told her that I did not know her sister
Saying she had picked on the wrong mister
She said Oh dear
But she was in good cheer
Because she said I still looked like a twister | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/7/2008 11:42:35 AM | I once tried to seduce my lawyer
but all I did was annoy her
when the judge slammed the gavel
I began to unravel
I should have waited til we were in the foyer
It seems it was the wrong time and place
and she got very red in the face
while my ex was pleading
at my divorce proceedings
my advances were undermining my case
The judge took note of my advances
and said that my action enhances
the likelihood my spouse
would get the house
and all of my finances
But it was her, not me who had the affair
judge said sorry I do not care
its a no-fault state
so don't be irate
I am only being fair
That's hardly fair I said to the judge
but it was clear he wasn't about to budge
seems he had the eyes for
my legal advisor
and that was why he was holding a grudge | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/7/2008 12:26:32 PM | Standing for trial I looked at the jury
The fore-woman had a look of pure fury
I had been in her bed
When I was still wed
And she had a look like tomato puree
I knew the fore-woman was going to screw me
And that for ten years I would not be free
The **** said I had sinned
And should be put in the bin
That's the last time I stand on a woman and have a wee pee | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:27:06 AM | I once went out with a girl called Suzanne
She asked to see the size of my hand
She was suitably impressed
Removed of her dress
Cause she said that I was her man
Suzanne gave me oranges and tea
From China she said and it was all for me
She took me down
And we fooled around
And she allowed me entry all for free
Suzanne I think was in the Sally Ann
Cause the clothes she wore looked really gran
She wore rags and feathers
And hot horny leathers
And I got a stiffy when she took my hand
Suzanne took me in the garbage and the flowers
Then I bought her one of those ivory towers
We made love under mirrors
Eating oranges and pears
Which went on for hours and hours and hours | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:14:25 AM | There was a young man from Berwick,
Whose manhood went bendy when stretched quick.
But the radius curve
Was dependant on verve,
And only his good wife could circle it.
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:29:49 AM | Joan of Arc - The first draft version from L Cohen!
(only played on his Irish tour of 1970)
My first real flame was called Joan of Arc
What went between us was called real sparks
She was my first flame
I am to blame
For before they burnt her I kept her in the dark
Joan came riding in her armour so bright
I thought she was a ghost and had a quick shite
She took me for a ride
Asked me to be her bride
I asked her if I could perhaps dress in white
She complained of having a swollen appetite
I said on a full stomach you had better not fight
She was tired of war
And being called an auld whore
I had to agree that name calling wasn't right
Joan was my cold and lonesome heroine
Well when she stopped drinking her daily bottle of gin
She thought I looked cute
In my birthday suit
And she said when she was drunk I looked like a cheuribim
I saw Joan wince I saw Joan cry
As on the pyre she started to fry
They threw on more coal
To keep her from getting the cold
I still have her ashes that's not a word of a lie
L Cohen - copyright 1971 Sony / ATV Songs (from Songs of Love and Hate) | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/8/2008 1:23:10 PM | I once dated the Sisters of Mercy
They both told me they enjoyed Percy
So I let them have a feel
As they both did kneel
Or was it perhaps they were doing a courtsey
The Sisters refused to depart or go
They were still sleeping one on top one below
I squeezed out of bed
I thought they were dead
Then I saw a movement in a big toe
You can get their address by the light of the moon
But hurray up quick get their address soon
At the end of this song
They both will be gone
And I'll be howling at the full moon | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/10/2008 1:27:31 AM | Billy The Trannie
Big Billy looked lovely in his stunning white dress
But his arse was to big it looked a real mess
His hairy fat calfs
Gave all us a laff
Big Billy was a trannie so he had confessed
Big Billy came out on the building site
And ended up getting into a terrible fight
His bum was showing
All shiney and glowing
And not one single bum hair was in sight
The other brickies they strongly objected
Working with a trannie they needed protected
They might be molested
By Big Billy in his dress
And wondered if Billy still got erected
Billy showed them his erect mast held high
The foreman broke down and started to dry
Billy's balls looked sick
Or was it the lipstick
The architect looked on and just let out a sigh
Billy told the joiner that he had a girl
Who was all woman and whose name was Pearl
She and him went shopping
For his black silk stockings
And she bought him a wig, blond with curls
The joiner said that Billy looked kinda cute
And asked to see Billy in his birthday suit
Billy was so offended
The joiner was upended
For Billy was not letting any man blow his flute
Big Billy was walking in the Orange procession
Dressed with his stockings he had a confession
He wore a pink sash
To match his moustache
For playing in the flute band was his greatest passion
Billy marched down Royal Avenue wearing his suspenders
He was playing the flute with the Shankill Road Defenders
The breathern were pissed off
For all the public laughed
Shouting here go the loyal public sex offenders
Fcuk Big Billy the Brickie blew his top
Of came his dress and and the marching did stop
The Big trannie hit all around
Six men hit the ground
That was the last time Billy ever through a strop | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/10/2008 10:52:08 AM | Once I was approached by a large transvestite
she said if you take me home it will be your best night
but I noticed the bulge
which (s)he didn't divulge
and besides to her I only came up to chest height
and this trannie was certainly heavy chested
wearing a suit that was double breasted
so I copped a feel
to see if they were real
and (s)he said ooh I just love being molested
I said please don't get any ideas
it wasn't a pass, it was only a squeeze
she said I was cute
but she was a brute
and I don't like confusing my he's and she's
I feared for my life if I turned her down
but I shuddered to think what was under her gown
when this womanly man
tried to take my hand
I sprinted for my car and left tinsel town | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/10/2008 11:08:24 AM | Poor Billy is feeling all alone
Waiting and crying on his cell phone
He feels so confused
Used and abused
Because they might cut of his nine inch bone
He's not sure if he wants the full op
Because as a trannie he likes to be on top
His girl, Pearl has a big breast
To match Billy's heaving chest
And Billy likes putting cream on the crop
Billy came to me for sympathy (ha ha ha ha ha)
So I got out my new timpani
I banged loud on my drums
As her talked about his bum
And he asked what I thought of a new fanny
I said Billy just get yourself the full operation
Then we can have a joyous celebration
You can be a full girl
And I can have Pearl
Now that's what I call mutual cooperation | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/10/2008 2:43:07 PM | There once was a fire goblin named Flamo.
He was an alcoholic and not afraid to say so.
He would drink all day,
Then at night he'd say,
"Pass me another ale, but hold the MAYO!" | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/10/2008 11:10:41 PM | I once went out with a goblin who ate fire
She was consumed by passionate desire
She looked like shite
All spotty and white
But she said she loved Bird on the Wire | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/11/2008 6:02:50 AM | Censured - X-rated certificate - over age six
I like my woman to be somewhat mystic
And never ever the piss to take
A goblin or a elf
If shes left on the shelf
I will if needs play the part of a rake
I once was in love with a beautiful fairy
She had a wand but also kept a diary
She noted my comings
Tried to stop me from roaming
Then I send her packing back home to Derry
Another girlfriend of mine was a tiny little hobbit
When it came to riding she could not stop it
She had big furry feet
And a big rear back seat
Then she asked me if i wanted to co-habit
She up and left Bilbo and took his ring
Fcuk me I had Golum and other things with wings
Outside my front door
Looking for the hobbit whore
See what misery mystical beauty doth bring
I had to fight the seven dwarfs to ride snow white
That Grumpy wee bsatard put up a hell of a fight
Snow white was not so pure
All night I had to endure
Her innane ramblings cause so wasn't too bright
I was with Goldilocks when I shot bambi
Oh stop crying you sad nampi pampi
Bambi tasted fine
With nice red wine
And Goldilocks and I after got real randy
Well in the midst came the three bears
They wanted an orgy up on the stairs
Mama Bear was all right
Baby Bear was too tight
Papa Bear was too drunk and the worst for wears
I pissed of quickly and met Red Riding hood
Let me tell you fellas this broad is no good
She sat on her fanny
Crying for her granny
Leaving me alone to play in the wood | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/11/2008 10:40:18 AM | Little Bo Peep had so many sheep
That when I visited I had to creep
She lost her virginity
In the vacinity
And no matter how many sheep she could not sleep
Ach that's sick!
Robin's mate the Friar Tuck
Thought he would try and chance his luck
As I bent down
He came around
And asked if he could have a
I whacked the fat bsatard across the head
I swear I thought the perv was dead
I hit him with my rod
He called out to God
I got a harness and had him weighted
Old Robin of Greenwood was not very happy
He thought the Friar was a happy chappy
Robin loves his green tights
And supported human rights
But then found the friar wore a big nappy
Robin made Marian it was an historical lie
He couldn't get it up no matter how he tried
To much nettlewine soup
Gave him brewers droop
So I had to step in to give her a try
The old Sheriff in Nottingham hated the poor
Except for occasionally the odd old whore
He thought he looked cute
Composing on his lute
Shit I never heard such a terrible score
The Sheriff hired me to be the court clown
He made me dance and jump up and down
I pissed in his grog
Then Marian did snog
And we had a good time when the Sheriff went to town
The Sheriff threatened me with the noose
He said that he would cook my goose
I stuck out my thumb
Showed him my bum
And shouted at him all kind of abuse
Royalty don't take kindly to the likes of me
So the humourless bugger hung me from a tree
As I was left swinging
The Sheriff was singing
From the Bird on the Wire I am finally free
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/11/2008 11:28:28 AM | now bird....
Fantasizing about the characters of nursery rhymes
can now be added to your list of crimes
its doubly fantastic
if not a bit drastic
but now you have me thinking along the same lines
Remember the old woman in the shoe
with all those kids making her feel so blue
well to my dismay
what the rhyme didn't say
was that I was the father of twenty-two
I felt kinda bad for the poor old dame
she hadn't a penny to her name
but neither did I
so when I said "bye"
I left her my shoe, full of shame
And that old wench, Mother Hubbard
she called my crotch her "cupboard"
when she went for the bone
it turned hard as stone
while the dog in the corner just slumbered
Well of course the "cupboard" was bare
she'd shaved off my pubic hair
the previous night
but that was alright
'cause who needs hair down there?
and the monkey chasing the weasel round the mulberry bush
if the truth were told it would make little kids blush
poetic license was taken
cause if I'm not mistaken
twas the monkey who popped all over her tush | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/11/2008 11:40:03 AM | I'm sure that by now we've gone too far
we've fallen off of Margot and Rose's radar
is it just you and me
do all others see
us as two old gents that are way too bizarre?
You have an excuse for limerick
you probably live just a click
from the town of fame
that bears that name
as for me I am just really sick | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/11/2008 11:42:25 AM | bird and axeman i will never again
read my nursery rhymes without thinking of sin
lil' po beep and those sheeps...
you know it kinda gives me the creeps
and then that monkey, oh where do i begin??
i tell ya, bestiality isn't my thing
but if that's the way you guys wanna swing
who am i to say....
hope it makes your day...
just make sure you share your fling!!!
(hey axeman, will be in phoenix airport for a half-hour today...on my way to houston!!
birdman...tooooo funny my man, tooo funny!) | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/11/2008 12:02:16 PM | | hey rosie Rose all full of prose, happy trails. 30 minutes in Phoenix is about 29 minutes too long, but compared to Houston, hmmmm, in the summer, I'll take the dry heat (although monsoons have the humidity up a bit, now). | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/11/2008 12:04:49 PM | I think Christopher Robin loved Pooh Bear
Not in a bad way I think to be fair
He had the hots for Roo
Rather than Pooh
But i heard about a threesome in Rabbits lair
The owl and the pussycat where having a ride
In the pea green boat at the dock side
The owl's feathers were flying
As the puddiecat was trying
But couldn't do the job no matter how he tried
Then there was Bugs Bunnie with Elmer Fudd
The two were getting drunk on bottles of Budd
Elmer likes Bug's tail
Ended up in jail
Now Elmer's name in Cartoon land is mud
Mickey and Minnie were quiet as mice
Minnie was gagged that wasn't very nice
Mickey liked to tie up Minnie
But she was much to skinny
But he never found out where he caught the lice
Fred and barney were not just good friends
Cause Wilma and Betty were two lesbians
So Barney used Fred
Each night in bed
And on Saturday nights they both changed ends
That's all for now folks | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/12/2008 1:11:31 AM | Rosis is getting a job in Texas
She is having rumbles in her solar plexus
She's going to be a madam
Working with adam
To service the men of the Southern nexus
Madam Rosie is going to run a whore house
You would not suspect that from this mouse
She has been very quiet
Even gone on a diet
But her new career is very hush hush
Adam is the bouncer to keep things in order
I believe the whore house is just on the border
Between Arizona and Texas
So you don't pay any taxes
Adam will ensure there is no disorder
Madam Rosie has got her basque and high heels
She wrote saying she loves the way silk feels
I can get a reduction
For a one to one introduction
If I dance a jig to one of them reels
She going to give the cowpokes a real good time
The whorehouse is open and sells fine wine
Twenty Four hours riding
With Rosie presiding
Just look on on the highway for Rosie's big sign
The Yellow Rose of Texas has taken on a new meaning
With Rose in her knickers all smiles and all beaming
Iceaxe will be there
With his arse on the chair
Just under the sign that says NO REAMING
I'm getting the next plane to fly to Dallas
First stop on the way to Rosie's new palace
Rosie's secret is now out
I know I'm a lout
But in my defence there's an absense of malice
Rosie's really gone to a religious retreat
Where she has to wash mother superior's feet
She gets bread and water
Prays to the holy father
And hopes to God she's becomes one of the elite | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 7/12/2008 6:11:13 AM | wish i had your 'gift' for words
the funniest thing i ever heard
although i am no longer a fave
i guess my dignity is saved
by the lovely(?!) limerick written by the bird
(too funny!!...no whorehouses today...we're doing a couple of museums!!!) | |
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