| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/9/2008 5:31:40 PM | nice to see limericks flowing
with libido's growing and growing
something ain't right
with haiku, gesundheit!
it's here that private parts are showing
the limerick a much better medium
rarely bogged down by tedium
saucy and crass
and you that the lass
that joins in believes in carpe diem | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/10/2008 3:21:57 AM | hi you...glad to see you're still writing here 
changing subject - due to the eve of tomorrow, this is on my mind
there once was a day from hell
that seemed cursed as if under a spell
when the planes hit their mark
the towers fell apart and to everyone's shock
they came tumbling down....no one ever forgot | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/10/2008 6:11:48 AM | The Adventures of Gay Gordon (Part iii)
Gay Gordon went to visit Dumbarton
He travelled all the way with a hard on
He took to much viagra
Was wearing tight lycra
And for over thirty miles he was fartin
Next old Gordon visited the isle of Skye
Going across the sea he did cry
He fell for a sailor
Who once was a whaler
Gay Gordon thought he would die
The whaler was unfortunately straight
As he took Gordon to meet with his fate
To the Cullins bound
Gay Gordon was found
Contemplating life without a mate
Gordon thought the Isle was far too cold
So he decided to be dramatically bold
He would swim back to Ross
To escape the severe frost
Then head back over to Atholl
Gay Gordon started walking pass Loch Lomond
Where he was seen having a shite in the glomming
Under the pale moonlight
In the middle of the night
Gordon was found howling and roaming | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/10/2008 9:35:21 AM | The Bird use to think like the Axe
But now he's become circumspect
No women in sight
Maybe just for one night
A moment of madness with the same sex
But Gay Gordon would not be my taste
His pink tartan would just go to waste
I would want a lady boy with tits
And no dangly bits
As well as a twenty four inch waist
Perhaps I should just bid my time
Some poor wench must fall for my rhyme
Between me and you
There could be a long queue
I can see them all forming a line
(PS - The Gay Gordons - A highland regiment - The Gordon Highlanders, an old Scottish Dance and a well know Scottish Dance troupe in the 1960s) | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/10/2008 10:04:07 AM | keep reciting those affirmations
each morn without consternation
"I know she will come
and have a great bum
until then its masturbation"
in a pinch would another man
be better than your hand
his breath on your neck
oh what the heck
I'd rather jerk off to a fan
not that there's anything wrong
if a man wants another man's schlong
it's just not my way
the hershey highway
has hairy curves and is way too long | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/10/2008 11:12:54 AM | OK OK OK I'll stay straight
I'll wait and wait and wait and wait
I'll get frustrated
After masturbated
Now my destiny is in the hands of fate
Here's hoping that Fates washed his hands
For I'll never ever be with a man
I'll wait on what God sends
Perhaps a blonde girlfriend
Better not be fussy just any auld woman | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/10/2008 11:26:26 AM | perhaps if you flew out the door
and circulated a little more
but you are always here
probably sucking a beer
they don't do in call anymore
but if you were out and about
we here would have to do without
your humor and wit
and so we would sit
and say who in hell let the bird out
surprised your words haven't attracted
the dame of your dreams reenacted
perhaps some you've written
have so badly bitten
that they maybe should be redacted | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/10/2008 12:04:12 PM | The Adventures of Gay Gordon (Part iv)
The killing of Gordon (sung to Rod Stewarts the The Killing of Geordie)
Killed prematurely by mass homophopic hate mail!
Gay Gordon traipsed up to John O'Groats
Wearing his lovely pink red tartan coat
He was being rather silly
When he approached an old Billy
And asked him if he could milk the goat
Gordon decided to go skiing in the Cairngorms
It was there he met good old Norm
Norm was the one friend
Gordon could comprehend
For they where both gay since the day first born
The two skied down Aviemore without any clothes
Stood on a mountain naked for a pose
Gordon's balls where frezing
Norm was sneezing
It was there that Norm decided to propose
Norm got down on his one bent knee
Asked Gay Gordon "Will you please marry me" (*)
Gay Gordon went weak
Turned the other cheek
And went bright pink with delighted glee
So Norm and Gay Gordon went to Greta Green
Twas the gayest wedding the minister ever seen
The groom wore pink
All arms did link
As hundreds all sang "God save the Queen"
To Edinburgh the two gay blades went to
Their honeymoon night at the Edinburgh Tattoo
They saw hundred of troops
In bright tartan suits
On the big screen Gordon said "I love you"
Norm and Gordon liked the taste of the gin
Gay Gordon smiled on his face was a grin
The distiller was his dad
Who Gordon though mad
Imagine calling a hard liquor "Gordon's Dry Gin"
The two pink panthers had soon to depart
For Gay Gordon had to perpetually fart
Edinburgh was to posh
Charged far too much dosh
And Gordon was a mean Scot still at heart
So finally they made their way to Glasgow
They went to the the Celtic Rangers roadshow
They went to Celtic Park
Just for a lark
But very soon Gay Gordon had to go
Gay Gordon was distraught at the sight of the teams
One played in blue the other in green
None played in bright pink
That made Gordon think
And he was barred for shouting something obscene
Gay Gordon and Norm headed for the coast
The town of Ayr now played gay host
To get the ferry to Larne
From the port of Cairnryan
For Ulster was the place Gordon loved most
Gay Gordon and Norm the ferry got on
They were the only two passengers since found gone
Two men later reported
Overboard after snorted
Now the Gay Gordon is the Fairy man's song
(*) Couldn't fit in "would you please enter into a civil partnership!"
(**) The above extracts were jointly sponsored by the Scottish Gay Rights Association and the Scottish Tourist Board
Gordon - Gone but never forgotten | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/10/2008 12:15:55 PM | Where else in the world is such help given
To those insane and to madness driven
Dating advice
Combined with some spice
To POF all lonely hearts are now driven
Iceaxe has found a new vocation
Trying to find old sad men a new invitation
Advertisements on hoardings
For bawd and lodgings
I think America should be my new location
There's a few old foggies also on this site
Perhaps could find partners with your sound advice
Maybe charge a retainer
Accompanied by a disclaimer
And hire a few girls who may also do vice
The Iceaxe Dating Agency has been new born
Helping to find love for the forelorn
What are your fees
For women who please
Ach just forget it I'm better watching pron! | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/10/2008 2:31:09 PM | yes, getting lucky has made me a scholar
and so I can charge top dollar
to find you a dame
'fore you go insane
AND REALLY BEGIN TO HOLLER
it could easily have gone the other way
she might not have liked to play
as much as I
but seeing eye to eye
we are having fun every day
this stands in such stark contrast
with the ladies I've had in the past
we're on the same page
and exactly the same age
I think this one's going to last
in the past it's been one or the other
good lookin' or sweet as my mother
but now I've found
both can be bound
into one package, so who needs another
so bird, keep up the faith
that someday you will find that waif
with the auburn hair
and the skin so fair
for your sake, I will certainly prayeth | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/11/2008 12:25:51 AM | Migratory was a goose flying south
Drawing fresh air into beak mouth
Perspective of lofty flight seen
Explanation of wisdom unglean
Therefore not travelled to warm south. | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/11/2008 11:36:36 AM | I knew a lady from Albuquerque
whose personality was decidedly quirky
she'd cut of men's d*cks
and place them on sticks
in the hot sun to make her some jerky
with a toothpick she was working her incisors
and she eyed me from beneath her visors
I instinctively crossed my legs
like a hen protecting its eggs
cause I'd heard that she like them on kaisers
when she approached me I had to scoff
even though she looked good 'nuf to boff
I'd heard of her hobby
and my knees got all wobbly
and I said that's not the meaning of jerk off
I noticed right then when she smiled
her sharp teeth were obviously filed
can I blow you she asked
then my fear was unmasked
cause she clearly had me beguiled
I was torn cause she was so good lookin'
but I knew I wasn't mistooken
she was the lout
I was warned about
the one who liked solar cookin'
so I very politely declined
"your offer is oh so kind
but salt on my peter
in your solar heater
is not what I had in mind" | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/11/2008 12:03:09 PM | There once was a man loved a woman too hard
Every morning and night in the back of the yard
She then found another
It was his young brother
Now the man is resigned to being a bard
The man now writes many tales of woe
He goes to the places others won't go
He writes about knockers
Taking beta blockers
And other places situated way down below
The bard writes and sings with considerable angst
But rarely does he ever get any thanks
He's completely frustrated
Thinks sex is over rated
And sits devouring the occassional ham shank | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/11/2008 12:35:53 PM | always needing to have the very last word
its oh so hard to keep up with the Bird
his words come like lightening
can be very frightening
perhaps we should call him Thunderbird | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/13/2008 6:10:47 AM | Having had rough sex in the bog
The frog got lost in the fog
He asked the way
The bird it did say
What's the chance of a snog
So the bird and the frog had a snog
The rabbits eyes where all agog
The bunnies started hopping
Litters were dropping
It's was all pre-destined by God
The frog he then went to town
On his face a smile not a frown
He met a fat cat
At the Laundromat
And watched the clothes spin round and round
The frog and the cat got busy
Both feeling a little bit dizzy
The cat lifted it's tail
The frog did impale
Then said goodbye and thanks to Lizzy
Lizzy had been ridden by a frog
Most definitely a sin before God
The cat asked for absolution
Went to Holy Communion
Where the vicar was a bit of a hog
The vicar had a large curly tail
Said to the cat she might go to jail
She had to perform
Another act of animal porn
Which included a snake or a snail | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/13/2008 6:52:18 AM | The snake and the whale now a twosome
The reason I find to be gruesome
The snail met his doom
When he was consumed
By a Frenchman who found him quite toothsome | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/13/2008 10:12:37 AM | I feel that I reallyI must say
That I was gone for three days
I displeased the big fishes
By ignoring their wishes
So they told me to just go away
Only for a very short time
Mine was a very small crime
I got kinna lippy
With this little chippy
So for three days I could not rhyme
Now I have returned to the fold
Once again my stories are told
I will share a word
With the axe and the bird
Of gay scotman and beasties untold
I know our perversions are varied
We will be this way til we are buried
By now I've surmised
No one is surprised
That none of us fellows are married
I think there is hope for the axe
For this behavior is a recent attack
A few weeks ago
He never mentioned a ho
But I will say he does have the knack
As for me my minds a lost cause
I write things that defy natures laws
Give me five minutes
Ain't nothings off limits
I would even pervert Santa Claus | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/13/2008 10:13:33 AM | The frenchman after eating the snail
Decided to have frog legs and quail
He ended up being sick
With vomit that was thick
Ending up becoming anorexic and frail
The frenchman could no longer drink wine
With the anorexia and vomit combined
He had pain in his bunions
Always ate onions
Continually farted and loudly whined | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/13/2008 10:25:48 AM | I must say that stories delicious
Of the Frenchman though I'm suspicious
You say he was nauseous
He should have been cautious
Onions are just not very nutritious
He was French so of course he ate Snails
I'm surprised that he passed on the whale
The French have their quirks
At times they are jerks
But my French girlfriend was a great piece of tail | |
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| Limericks....us Irish aren't too good a poetry
Posted: 9/13/2008 1:23:05 PM | I once had a girl from France
She had such an effect on my pants
But her hairy armpits
Where covered in nits
And I had to curtail my manly wants
I decided to go to the chemist's shop
To see if the arm lice I could stop
The staff said they could help
If I shaved too her scalp
That would stop the lice rot
I asked my French girl friend to shave
Under her arms not to misbehave
She thought I had gone mad
Asked if this was a fad
And her arm hair for me she saved
Well didn't I just go and catch nits
I scratched myself to little bits
My head was a walking
The lice were a stalking
Now all French girls get on my tits | |
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