| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 6:11:40 AM | I'm a young'n here so I havent really had much experience with the doing chores for your sweetie thing - mostly chores and stuff my folks had me do when I lived with them.
However, I was raised pretty well (until proven otherwise) and I believe that dudes should do equal parts around the house as the ladies.
Women today have full time jobs just as much as men do and coupled with the responsibility of parenting, if women are expected to do all of the housework too, then they are really being dealt a bad hand here.
I figure, if a woman cooks, the dude should do the dishes and vice versa. Young women in my generation arent being taught to cook by their mothers because most of the moms out there these days have full time jobs or whatever and the girls usually have some kind of extracurricular activity going on after school or something. So, it's important that dudes learn how to cook because one of 2 things will happen when they meet and end up living together:
1. They will starve to death.
2. They will get fat and die from eating nothing but fast food
I also know that it's not hard to pick up after one's self and being single and living on my own for a few years, I know that it's not rocket science to do laundry either. I've also learned that being on my own, I want my place to look clean in case I have lady friend over so I'm not afraid to get down and scrub the floors and windex a few windows or clean the pee off the toilet seat, etc...
Now hypothetically, if I met a woman and we ended up getting married would I magically forget how to do all of that stuff?
Hell No. I certainly hope not.
Most guys who are looking for a woman to cook and clean for them probably have mommy issues and are trying to fulfill some sick Oedipus complex. No sane guy wants to marry his mother. I take pride in having a clean place to live.
Being a couple takes equal parts from both people involved and the Neanderthal mentality that cleaning is **** work needs to go away.
It's 2007, not 1957. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 7:06:02 AM | "If someone is taking advantage of or treating me badly but I do not say anything about it, I really do not have a right to be mad at them. If I tell them about it and they make no effort to repair the situation, then they have much greater responsibility for the dynamic that has developed."
Thanks pkgdeal. I have to say, I was equally guilty of that on the flip side of things, because it was my house, and I paid the mortgage, the oil for heat/hot-water, the electric, cable, phone, etc, plus taking her out every friday or saturday night. I had a roommate living with me until she moved in, giving me $400/mo plus his phone calls so things were easier before then. So financially I was footing everything and was living quite on the edge. So just as she was silently filling the "womans job" roles, I was trying to be the guy being the "provider". And she, making maybe $5K/yr less than me, bought the groceries, and that was pretty much it for the "household" - other than that she spent all her money buying clothes and jewlery, etc. QVC was a "staple" on the TV in the spare bedroom.
And yeah, it *really* pissed me off when she said "this house needs a new kitchen" (not that I disagreed, but after all the above at the time, I was lucky to end the month having bank activity be $20 in the black - some months I spent more than I made) and when I said "sure, we can do that, but I can't afford it unless you want to help pay for it or at least share some of the financial burden of the house".... her reply? "oh, forget it then" (another resentment of hers, *and* of mine).
Live and learn, she was just out of a marriage with a guy who made like $200K/yr (although he was physically/verbally abusive) and paid for everything including remodeling their house to what she wanted... and she thought I was the "most wonderful man she'd ever met" (I'm definitely not abusive), so I ate it up and tried to be the classic male "provider" role. And yeah, the guy she cheated on me with made more money (although he cheated on her months later, what goes around comes around). But I also didn't do my part in that of communicating either. Had we had that communication, and split the financial burden and the housework, who knows, maybe things would have been different. After she left, I was quite better off financially because I didn't "have" to take her out every weekend and drop $200 on dinner, buying her top-shelf drinks at the bar, etc, even though I was quite sad to lose her, we had some wonderful times together (4-1/2 yrs), and a lot of other things from that relationship are things I've looked for in every relationship since.
What I learned from that is that you can't run a relationship on assumptions while not comunicating the things you have issues with. It was also my first real long term relationship (I was 24 when we met), so it was a kinda bad (she cheated) learning experience, but I did learn something. Maybe we both needed large clubs?  But the GF after that to this day (we're still friends) tells me I was a great communicator with her, we just didn't work for other reasons. And the one after that couldn't communicate if her life depended on it, it was like pulling teeth to get her to open up to me (but I tried).
People are as widely varied in their communication skills as they are in other respects, but communication is a *learned* thing. If you aren't communicating your needs and are building resentments instead, the relationship is probably doomed (I personally think a lot of divorces stem from this, thus at the end of a marrige if you know both parties, you hear a wide range of 'complaints' that probably could have been easily resolved if they hadn't built to the point they did). As the old saying goes, when you "assume" you make an A** out of U and ME. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 8:32:05 AM | | Well my boyfriend won't let me do anything. He does all the cooking and lets me help a little here and there. He does all the cleaning and won't let me help, although I do when he is in the shower or something. He is re-modeling his house and I told him I could help, but he says just save you energy for loving. He thinks I have a harder job then he does and yes my job is more physical but i'm still wired most of time when I get home. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 8:44:00 AM | | Nope definatly not. Its a join effort or if one is too busy working than the other should do it. Long as the one still chips in at times when its needed type thing. I do enjoy cooking, dont mind most house work unless its vacuuming. Who knew since i enjoy sucking.lol Although i do know a guy that would make a great house b*tch and wife. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 9:21:52 AM | | my ex did all hosework i would try to help but he woulnt have it he would say go get your nails done he did all cooking drove me crazy no i am on my own and love it | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 10:26:30 AM | Actually, I did a thread about this about a month ago. (BF won't help out around the house).
My BF and I moved in together in August 2006 and the first couple weeks were ok. He would help out, etc.
After that, it seemed that he would just leave the dishes in the sink (we have no dishwasher), leave his clothes laying around as well as just being a plain old slob. I had several talks with him and it would help for a few days but then he would go back to his old/bad ways.
Finally, after posting in the forum, I had reached my limit. I sat him down and REALLY explained how his laziness was affecting my feelings for him.
VIOLA....every since then, he has been great. I mean, I had to learn to not to be a perfectionist, but he really heard me and is trying.
I think alot of men may assume that when they move in with a woman, that she is their instant maid, but it is up to the woman to correct that thinking.
This is just from my experience!!! | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 10:39:24 AM |
In today's age.... COME UP with a CHECK LIST of HIS & HERS...
Excellent point and well said. The days of "women's" and "men's" work are over! We both live in the house, we both clean it. Simple as that. Of course, I know I don't do nearly half of the work that could be done around the house because some things don't rise to my level of attention -- like dusting, or mopping wood floors. I don't notice stuff like that. But I can feel the women out there now cringing as I speak the words "who cares about dusting?"  | |
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EB1
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Joined: 7/31/2006
Msg: 34 | |
| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 12:00:41 PM | | We have very clear house rules with MAd Scientist. He vacuums and I wash the bathroom and the dishes. What else remains we do them together. | |
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ksue44
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Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 35 | |
| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 12:28:21 PM | I think if both people work, two can do the chores quicker than one. Make a list of "his" and "hers".
I know with the Boomers, there's chore wars going on each and every day. The Boomer men lived pretty much in traditional house holds, therefore I think it's harder for them to change, then the younger fellas coming up the ranks.
Now about fixing things around the house? I've met too many fellas that can't change the oil in their car or how to change the flapper in the toilet. I'm not saying ALL men are helpless in that area, but as being on my own, I've had to learn to do some of that stuff myself and not rely on a fella. It's fascinating to see more women becoming "Toolbelt Divas" and fixing up their homes. I'd rather do home improvement stuff, than the day-to-day grunt work of chores. | |
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Algy
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Joined: 11/3/2006
Msg: 36 | |
| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 1:16:33 PM | The principle of least interest: The person who is less interested in being tidy or is less vested in the home, is less likely to care what it looks like. If it’s your house you put more effort into it. If it’s someone else’s interior design, you probably are not as likely to maintain it. All other things being equal, the person with the higher clean ethic loses. The person who is less interested ends up doing less cleaning. The house never reaches critical mass by the less interested persons standards and their sense of tidiness is not offended; hence, no need to pick up after myself.
I’m a little OCD and I tend to be the cleaner one. It took me a long time to accept that if it mattered that much to me, I was going to have to straighten up and it was foolish to get upset at the other person for being who they were. The only time I get frustrated is when she finally takes responsibility for something and then plays the part of the martyr. That’s my role damn it! | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 1:34:10 PM | Yes mich I remember your post! It was partly your thread as well as other couples I know in similar situations, that led me to post this thread to see what the experience of lots of couples out there are.
And very good point algy - I think this is SO true! I haven't met too many guys, I must say, that really care about having a clean home (that they clean themselves) or good food (that they cook themselves). There are some, but relatively few compared to women (generally speaking), who are simply taught to do these things for themselves while growing up. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 4:29:25 PM | I've seen some guys scream like girls over a spider or mouse.......but I'll tell
you what......I'll kill 20 spiders and three mice with my bare hands if you'll
clean the bathroom.
I think cooking is fun together and I'm not too bad at it. I enjoy doing the
"guy" stuff around the house and REALLY appreciate a woman who likes to
do the "cleaning" stuff. I'm sure most women could think of things for me
to do compensate!
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 4:55:52 PM | I think I was lucky in my time. It was really unexpected too as non of my girlfriends seemed to have hubby's like mine.... My husband loved to do stuff at home... he was a brilliant home maker, he'd even bake the bread.
When I had our daughter, all I had to do was breast feed... he took on the job of cooking, cleaning, shopping...... He took time off work to enjoy those first few weeks at home. It meant we had such a lot of quality time together.
Later in life we started our own building company and he was in big demand for kitchen refurbs.... he really knew how to design a good one!!!
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 5:02:45 PM | | In my last relationship I was definatly guilty of slacking off in the cleaning dept. I had no idea that I was even doing it. To be fair, I worked 60 hour weeks, and she worked about 30 hour weeks, so it was agreed that she would take care of more of the cleaning. Now that I am single, god there is a lot of cleaning that you have to do. Anybody interested in cleaning for me. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 5:24:24 PM | | If my partner didn't want to help out, he would certainly be paying for a cleaning lady. I put in too many years of drudgery to put up with than again. I hear that there are some sub guys out there, though, who love to be slaves. I had emails from a couple of them. Maybe I should have taken them up on their offers? | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 6:50:43 PM | Nay - my place is my place and I can't stand anyone doing my laundry or bathroom toilet but me.
Then again, naked? Knee pads? On my floor scrubbing? OMG will a roast be in the oven at the same time?
Please, let me endulge seeing a man do my bed sheets for a moment... yes please you Tide buddy none of that other stuff... thank you...
Yea, I could definitely get used to a man who folds towels corner to corner also... *chuckles*....
DREAMER.. nothing but a dreamer *goes back to her fantasy of a man holding a scrubbie and/or mob" | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 7:49:01 PM | I remember my GF of, oh, 7 years ago now... her and the kids basically lived out of laundry baskets (pulled out of the dryer, wrinkled, unfolded). I remember one weekend, their dad had the kids for the weekend, we went out to dinner and I managed to spill some barbecue sauce on my jeans (yeah, I know, klutz  ), so when we got back to her place I took my jeans off and went to wash them...
Well, when I went to put them in the dryer, the dryer was full of clothes, so I ran it for a few mins to unwrinkle stuff, folded it all into the basket, and then put my jeans in. Here I come up the stairs with a basket of folded laundry, and she looks at me all amazed... "I've never *had* a man ever fold laundry for me". 
Of course, then again, when she met the kids father, he had his Harley in the kitchen working on it. Go figure why she'd never had a man fold her laundry for her. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 8/29/2007 1:19:34 PM | | Find it interesting that there are some on here who use the term "help out" with the housework when referring to what a guy does.The mindset is that it is still the woman's "job" and he is just "helping out". Same story when guys talk about "babysitting" the kids. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 8/29/2007 1:51:46 PM | Man... I saw this thread and thought instantly of one of my 'experiences'!!
I was living with my boyfriend at the time. He worked from 7am to 3pm... I worked from 9am to 5pm. Things were going bad in other areas, so this was kind of the straw that broke the camels back.
Everynight when I got home from work I'd find him and my son watching TV. I'd have to start dinner. Never an offer to help. I'd make dinner, clear the table, and do the dishes (by hand).
One night, after a particularly stressful day I said that it "sure would be nice if you guys could at least clear the table off for me for a change!" To which my boyfriend came right in my face... pointed his finger at me and said "I make twice as much money as you do... you have to make up the difference in housework" 
I left him less than a month later.
I'm happy... and proud to say that my son turned out to be a very helpful, thoughtful, considerate husband and father. Not only does he do dishes, he also vacuums, makes the bed, etc etc. All without b!tching or complaining. He just does what needs to be done. I'm very proud of that | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 8/29/2007 4:18:26 PM | I definitely don't need a woman to do housework for me. I'm fine in that regard. Of course, having cleaning people come in every 2 weeks eases things quite a bit.
But I'm not a real slob either. My washer and dryer is right next to the bedroom, so I can just throw the dirty clothes in there, and wash them when it gets full. I put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, and do them also when it gets full.
I don't make my bed. Just gets slept in the next night anyway. I guess I would if I was going to share it. 
When I do have someone to share life with, I think it's fair to share tasks with, as well. I don't mind that. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 8/29/2007 4:30:53 PM | here's the blatent truth (in all senses of the word) IF you don't like cleaning up after anyone (including yourself) live alone......cause every once in a while, that toothpaste, or dish soap or doodie, or slobber or well... you catch my drift... is going to drip, drop, drizzle or dribble somewhere onto something, so, whoever it's easiest for, or minds the least(or most)...should do it.
example, it takes me about the 10th the time (as any man) to do the dishes, I don't mind laundry or trash duty, windows or eves don't turn me off....changing lighbulbs, or fixing small electical problems are ok too, checking/changing oil, washing the car are a breze.......come to think of it......I live alone!
(which comes to the topic of my vibrator, $109.95 and worth every dollar!) | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 8/29/2007 4:46:19 PM | | I do my own laundry...cook clean my house yard work...and ya know....when i was married both times...the wifes did all the inside...o offerd to help but was told no...i got my own way of doin stuff....but since my last divorce..I made my self a deal..I said"SELF,from now on...wether I am alone or with somebody,I will allways continue to do what I do"...self.pattin me on the back replyed"if it makes you feel better...then by all means do it" | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 8/30/2007 12:22:05 AM | If the heat gets that hot in the kitchen.....it's time to eat out....maybe pay the price for a good maid ("housekeeping")......and everyones ends up happy...!
Ouch sweetheart...$109.95.......I've got that price BEAT......HANDS down..with many years of experience....But I do agree that the job always gets done quicker with the right tools.  | |
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