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| Life's Too Short -- Why are We so Set on Perfection??
Posted: 1/20/2007 2:57:08 PM |
..I would think for most of us, we are looking for that perfect spark not perfect person..
Wow! Squirrly and I agree. :laugh
yah I know!  are you sure you are feeling ok? I mean...you didn't mention SEX! | |
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| Life's Too Short -- Why are We so Set on Perfection??
Posted: 1/20/2007 3:00:08 PM |
We've all got our standards up there so high that we're just begging to get our hearts broken yet again.
I really don't see the problem as having our standards to high, low or otherwise. I think we have lost the ability to truly know others in a way that transcends the clishe' trends of relating and being together. We identify with how a relationship should look and what traits a person should have to make that happen.
We simply need to be and allow those around us to be. and get to know people for who they are and not bind them to behaviors.
I also don't think odds have anything to do with meeting someone. *wonders what the odds are of people understanding how to truly be present with the person in front of them to be able to reach them beyond our own perceptions* Living life is never a waste. Not Loving is a waste.
I am not so sure that compromise is a component of love. Growing, changing, evolving yes. being mindful of our thoughts feelings and actions with everyone we are relating to and how the energy we exchange effects us and them while being intimate we learn what it truly means to relate. When we loose the "I" in an ego centric way of seeing people as matches or possible choices for us we begin to relate and what relationship is right between you two will emerge in a natural way that needs no work.
Your heart will go where it leads you but if we choose to intellectualize matters of the heart we loose the opportunity to be. we try to fit roles to play instead of be ourselves so the shining heart that resonates with ours will not recognize us.
crazylilting | |
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| Life's Too Short -- Why are We so Set on Perfection??
Posted: 1/20/2007 4:12:02 PM | thats exactly what i been doing lately! trying to find someone just plain out campatiable, that i can compromise with, and keep going from there... i've settled with one night a week spent with my boyfriend, and seeing him scatter days in school. what fun what fun! but theres no such thing as perfect, although i thought i found it once, he was JUST like me, i mean we loved the same things, talked about the same thing, completely compatiable, everything... and i still got my heart broke, so now i settle with what i can get. my boyfriend is kind, and sweet, but so discreet in his own frame of mine, he dont tell me when somethings wrong, and alot of the time it looks like theres something wrong... etc. i asked him if he drew, he said no, turns out he do... but regardless, just because we can get along well when we are together, and because we can compromise when needed, i am sticking with him. i know im young, but life is too short to worry about perfection, when theres not really any such thing. it helps to realize that before your life is almost gone!
i like this quote, seems to kind of fit in here...
---> *if practise makes perfect, and nobodys perfect, then why practise?* <---- | |
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| Life's Too Short -- Why are We so Set on Perfection??
Posted: 1/23/2007 2:55:09 AM | My thanks for the feedback, folks. You've given me enough data to finish a psych paper.
19 - Good relationship advice
Plenty of Socratic "answer with another question" method thrown into the mix.
And two attacks. Funny how a simple question turned some into rude, rabid (attempted) character assassins. 
Go with God & do good things,
-TennesseeLine | |
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| Life's Too Short -- Why are We so Set on Perfection??
Posted: 1/23/2007 4:21:15 AM | I think in some form, most of us strive for perfection in everything we do. It's really a blessing and a curse. We are taught from childhood (most of us) that if we want something - we can have it - just go get it. Go chase your dreams, if you will. That translates into work hard for what you want and you can achieve anything.
I think it gets worse at we get older. We seek perfection in our outward appearance, our careers, our education, our families and our intimate relationships. Motivational speakers don't help us. Dr. Phil and Dr. Neil Clark Warren don't really help either. They flash on our television screens constantly with sound bytes telling us we can have the relationships we want. Just plunk down your $30 - $50 a month and let the dating sites match you based on your hundreds of responses to their questions.
But the plain truth is, no matter what we think we want, or how hard we try to find it, chances are the love our our lives isn't going to fit that "mold." It's really all about fate and happy coincidences - you see someone in a restaurant or at the office. You strike up a conversation - you realize you have things in common - you start to hang out - the next thing you know - you share a kiss and oh my gosh, are those fireworks??
98% of the time, dates will end in duds. There will be no connection.
So why do we keep trying. Our quest to live the happily ever after we were fed as children (and I'm not saying this is wrong) will never end. Our wiring and our training prevents us from giving up. People are designed to be coupled. We want that - we ache for it - but we also want to be happy.
Perfection? We can't live it nor can we expect it - but for some reason - we think we can have it.
So the days keep passing and we are still single... | |
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| Life's Too Short -- Why are We so Set on Perfection??
Posted: 5/7/2007 5:00:46 PM | I think we all have in our mind the perfect mate..or the perfect "idea" of what we want. I know I used to, but after thinking I found that "perfection" and being so blind to what was happening, my so-called fairy-tale crashed. It made me re-evaluate what I wanted.
There is no such thing as perfection. If we strive for it, we are always going to be disappointed in our own mind, for not finding "that person".
I think it is normal for having a set of ideals. We all have a relationship from our past that we wish we could could re-find with someone else. Usually a relationship where we were too young to see that this was what we wanted, but thought, the grass is probably greener. I've done that so many times. But here I am now..thinking crap, the grass is never greener.... It is a crappy shade of burnt brown! lol. But then I think..if that relationship was as great as I made it out to be in my mind...wouldn't we still be together?! So why am I searching for something like that.
I think there has to be a connection on a level, but to strive for perfection will never happen. You will be here 10 years, passing over great people looking for that "elusive" one that is a figment of you imagination. Someone that you have built so high in your mind..someone that no person can ever be.
I think as a whole, and being a part of this dating scene for a while, I see so many men and women striving for that perfect person, one thing is not there, and it's >......NEXT. Friends do it, I've done it..and realized that my Prince could be the one that i've not given enough of a chance to get to know, who i've passed over because of my irrational wants.
I think we need to stop looking for perfect..perfect never gets anyone..anywhere...fast.
I think you need to get to know someone, slowly, and build from that. Some of the best relationships are the ones that are nurtured and grown slowly..getting to know eachother. ..and growing something that will or could have potential. | |
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| Life's Too Short -- Why are We so Set on Perfection??
Posted: 5/18/2007 6:41:44 PM | | Perfection VS settling? I guess to a point we should really settle. Not really for just the first thing that comes along but as I think now... settle for happiness. Oh sure we could look for ever for the perfect mate. and die alone. I know what or who I would settle for, not really going to happen as far as im concerned right now... As she is not feeling the same way, perhaps seeking perfection or even addicted to the search for perfection online. I guess having found perfection in many ways myself and lost it. Sadness will subside. I can say if you find happyness... Run with it littleone run together with it... Embrace it and enjoy being in love.. Im sure perfection will mean less as you grow together... in love. Be happy, love happy, settle for happyness in your heart... | |
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| Life's Too Short -- Why are We so Set on Perfection??
Posted: 5/18/2007 6:54:49 PM |
But why are we so damned determined to find the PERFECT mate? We know there is no such thing as perfection yet we do it anyways. We've all got our standards up there so high that we're just begging to get our hearts broken yet again.
So, we should lower our standards, hook up with someone with whom we are not compatible, then suck it up and bear it?
We would be begging to be bored, dissatisfied, and to break someone else's heart . . . again. | |
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| Life's Too Short -- Why are We so Set on Perfection??
Posted: 5/18/2007 8:31:47 PM | I don't think most of us allow someone close enough to even *know* whether someone is 'perfect' for them, which is different from being a perfect person. Face it, this is a great venue to be picky, and you only get a very limited view of a person on-line.
I also agree with squirley_1: people seek the perfect spark, not just the/a perfect person. | |
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| Life's Too Short -- Why are We so Set on Perfection??
Posted: 5/18/2007 8:40:04 PM |
Not finding perfection, is a good excuse for not finding anybody.
I suspect that a lot of people really don't want anybody.
I think they are scared to. They might want it but they are scared of it. | |
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| Life's Too Short -- Why are We so Set on Perfection??
Posted: 12/27/2007 8:29:57 PM | | I think the fantasy angle is great, so long as you and your partner are in on it. C'mon...who hasn't had a fantasy but not actually acted on it? Fantasy happens to the strongest of relationships if it's done together. | |
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| Life's Too Short -- Why are We so Set on Perfection??
Posted: 12/28/2007 1:55:58 AM | | Spending your life with a loser/sh*tbag is a waste of life - being alone is not a waste. Life isn't all about being with a man/woman. It's about what you do with your life, how you make the world a better place. | |
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| Life's Too Short -- Why are We so Set on Perfection??
Posted: 12/28/2007 11:43:42 PM | I've never been set on "perfect", just "perfect for me".
I pretty much agree with everything that ChancesTaken said, lol...gotta have a few flaws in there to offset my own!
I'd rather have no mate then one who 'doesn't do it for me'. LMAO...hon, I have never found one yet who DOES do it for me, so wonder if I'd know 'em if I saw 'em? lol....or should I just do it for myself, and forget about it? rotflmao.
You asked , "why the hell not just find someone fairly compatable, learn to compromise, and move on? Hmmmm OP, why haven't YOU at that???? Oh....that's right....no one ELSE wants to SETTLE, lol.....just kiddin', but there is some truth in that, because in essence, that is exactly what you are suggesting, whether you know it or not!
Dr. Phil aside (cuz I can't stand him), I actually did long ago make a list of the attributes I wanted in a mate....sadly, I forgot to go over the checklist either time I married, lol...otherwise, I wouldn't have!
if you find the perfect partner, that means you'll never fight, that means no make up sex....BORING!!! ....hon, my ex was anything BUT perfect...both ex's in fact, and we never fought, and we never had what ya'll call "make up sex" ...might be boring, but it truly IS a foreign concept to me.
I get what you are saying OP in reading your next post, and some of us have "something" in mind, and sometimes go outside of that X", X years, etc...but then sometimes it's just too far off base for words and ya gotta draw the line at some things. WHY????? Because, the gal lookin at the X" photo could be alot taller or alot shorter, and might feel awkward around them...Then there's .X' yrs....hey, didn't know your grandpa was still living?, ohhhh your son is a hunk, bet he fights off all the girls!...And as for the photo thing....ya had some good points. I still like to see a photo of some kind, and I don't care if it is a HS photo, just a face to put on the personality if we talk much at all....kinda like when the phone rings and ya pick up, hear the voice and the person's face comes to mind...not so much that I wanna see if he's a hunk or not, lol. I figure if he is, he's got the wrong gal online anyhow! As for money, pffft....more important things. Long as the bills get paid (and I'm talking rent, elect. water, gas, etc) I'm good to go, and as for social titles...they're just names, and I can give anyone one anytime they want, lol....they just might not like the one I pick!!!hehe. Hey now, some of us do have low self-esteem but are working on it....then again there is the pompous -ass syndrome and I don't think there's any hope for that....Oh sorry, off topic a second.
LookingForHonesty1....I sooooo hear ya....back when I was dating before I married( and when Noah was still sawing wood), that's all guys seemed to want and I wasn't into that. Now 20 yrs later....things don't seem to have changed much to hear ya'll gals talk about it, and I'm not sure I've changed my mind all that much, lol. Not sayin I'm against sex, just that there's a "place " for it in my way of thinkin, and it's INSIDE a relationship.
Ha, ha Dave, that's why I wrote..."too many to list" on mine....I figure when it comes to likes and dislikes, unless it's a deal breaker of some sort, why go there? Why not just tell people what you are generally like, and let things go from there? I could list something like "snowskiing" for instance....well so? I might have gone once and loved it, but would I ever go again????? lol...yet someone lookin at something like that on a profile might think...wow, what a lifestyle...this person lives a life of adventure...not sure I'm up for that......and they pass. Or maybe "sewing" is listed and some guy says, yuck...boring....never knowing I might be a needle artist, rendering some awesome pieces out of simple mediums. You are right in that too much attention can be placed on the wrong things in a profile.
Many of us here have spent way to many years with the wrong one (Marriage) by no fault of our own what did we really know what we would need in a partner ie: common interests, personality, views of life in general. So now that we are older, and I would hope wiser, isnt it considered growth when we decide to wait for ms/mr right? The definition of Insane is making the same "WRONG" choices over and over with hopes of a different result Very well said flyer!!!!! Kudos!
Not finding perfection, is a good excuse for not finding anybody.
I suspect that a lot of people really don't want anybody. I think they are scared to. They might want it but they are scared of it. Amen! All I've ever HAD was bad relationships...it would scare the livin' daylights outa me if I were ever in a good one, cuz I'd be constantly wondering when the bottom would fall out from under us, lol. | |
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| Life's Too Short -- Why are We so Set on Perfection??
Posted: 12/29/2007 12:20:54 AM |
I'm sitting here at work, with 3.5hrs to go before I'm free for the weekend, tormenting myself by listening to U2 singing "With or Without You", over and over and over... So I'm in a melancholical, philosophical frame of mind:
I think you mean life isn't short enough then. | |
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| Life's Too Short -- Why are We so Set on Perfection??
Posted: 9/22/2008 11:45:49 AM | | I, for one, would prefer that people "be" who they say they are...rather than what they think you want to "hear" (read). Photos are another challenge...some folks look better in their pictures than in person and vice versa. The other person will find out soon enough if you smoke, do drugs, have children, etc....I think folks set themselves up for failure... | |
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| Life's Too Short -- Why are We so Set on Perfection??
Posted: 9/22/2008 11:58:28 AM | Life's too short to settle or put up with someone just so you have a man/woman---is my philosophy.
I think my list of wants and desires in a partner are very reasonable and are not unattainable. It is not about perfection it is about finding someone who fulfills most of my needs and wants. I am not going to reject you because you lack one insignificant thing on the list...but actually,there are no insignificant things on my list...all are general things that relationships are built on and if we aren't in sync in that respect then there can be no foundation.
I will never get into a relationship on the premise that "heyy...he is breathing, might as well". Chances are I will get fed up and be stressed and it will end anyway. I will save myself the drama thank you and avoid it when I see it coming.
Compromise is going to happen no matter what...but I would rather have to compromise on 5% of things and not 55%. I don't know what other people's lists include but reviewing my own...mine is completely attainable and since I know I am willing to offer the same....there is no reason why I should throw it away and settle when with the right person I will be giving my heart and soul and then some and we will both be able to fully enjoy each other instead of sorta-kinda-liking each other and just ignoring the many things we dislike. | |
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| Life's Too Short -- Why are We so Set on Perfection??
Posted: 9/22/2008 12:39:04 PM | | I spent 20 years trying to make a bad marriage work. I refuse to compromise what I want or need for anyone ever again. I'd far rather be alone and happy than part of a miserable couple. You can date, have life long friends, be surrounded by family and enjoy a full social life without having to yoke yourself to someone that does not fulfill your needs. | |
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