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| Domestic Violence Posted: 1/23/2007 1:28:31 PM |
I know some of the posters the same as I have expierienced this, we all know its not a nice thing to expierince. Last night i was awoken by the people in the flat above me and it brought back very painful memories, I was so close to ringing the police when luckily I heard the woman run out the door and i see her jump in her car and drive of. If it happens again I wouldnt hesitate in making the call. I know people say do not get involved . Have any of you ever made that call?
I made quite a lot of calls when i lived in my old house. The couple next door use to knock fooke out of each other.
One time i woke up to hearing them carrying on again, and thought bollax to them, i was getting sick of hearing it, and my son had been scared a few times. But she started hammering on the wall, which was the code we used if things were getting out of hand.
Good job i phoned the police that night, he'd stabbed her in the leg as she ran up the stairs. She looked herself in the bathroom til the police got there. | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 3/15/2007 7:32:23 PM | I am posting on this thread for someone I know to read the above comments I am always here for support 
If this thread helps someone to break free of the cycle of abuse & suffering all well & good
Domestic violence can take many forms - some are just not as obvious as other's.
Some people do not realise what is happening until it is "too late" & the abuser has control.
If you are suffering physical, sexual, psychological, emotional and or financial abuse
Or you are being threatened or intimidated in your home by a current or previous partner
Or a friend or family member you can still be a victim of domestic violence.
You may be feel frightened, isolated, ashamed and confused.
Remember you are not to blame for what is or has happened.
You are not alone and above all you do not have to suffer in silence - help is available.
Getting help...
If you are suffering abuse ring directly to your local police station
Or by dialling the emergency services number in an emergency .
The first priority must be to ensure the safety and well-being of you and your children.
You will be dealt with sympathetically & spoken to separately from the person abusing.
If you have been injured it is important that your injuries are examined by doctor.
Maybe arranging medical aid if necessary at the doctor's or at the hospital
Then a safe place for you and your children (if applicable) can be found to protect you
It may be that you are required to give evidence in court at a later date.
The police can support you throughout this process if you wish.
Wherever you live there should be a domestic violence officer who can help you.
There are trained & experienced officers who can offer practical advice & support in all aspects of domestic violence.
They can refer you to other caring agencies who may be able to help.
You can contact the domestic violence officer directly via the police station or via social services
Or search the web for local domestic violence help in your area
Remember always domestic violence is a crime - No one has the right to abuse you  | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 3/16/2007 1:08:00 AM | | I saw a woman being beaten up in the street where I lived at the time. She was very distressed, the man ran off and I went to help her, only to be told to 'mind my own business'. A few days later I saw them together as if nothing had happened. Its difficult to know what to do sometimes. | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 3/16/2007 1:20:39 AM | I was lucky! An odd way to put it, but I was...
My son was weeks old, I had a difficult birth and was recovering from a c-section, although the abuse had been mental and emotional up and till then, and as Laine rightly points out, sometimes you do not realise you are being abused until it is too late and they have control..
There had been a small incident when my son was 10 days old, when he threw a babys bottle at my head when I had not heard him, afterwards he apologised profusely and blamed it on the new baby and the stress of it all and said he was not adjusting well. I accepted his explanation, I did not want to deal with it, I was a new mum, all over the places from lack of sleep, I had a 10 day old child, I was in pain from the C-section, I could not cope with taking any steps...
Less than 8 weeks l;ater, he beat me, that seems such an innocuous statement "he beat me", the man stone cold sober at 5 in the afternoon, systematically beat me, picked me up threw me against the a door, attempted to throw me down the stairs.. and beat me, he then grabbed my son and would not let me have him, as a Mum he would have had to have killed me to get me to leave without my newborn son. He finally put my son back in his car seat and I took that opportunity to pick my son up grab my car keys and run, with just the clothes we were wearing and his changing bag. Luckily I had my parents to run to. MY neighbours later said they had heard me screaming and decided it was none of their business, I would have been happy if they had called the police..
I went to the police and was told to return the next day, I did, my Ex husband knew what he was doing when he beat me, I had to lift my top to show the perfect imprints of fist and hand marks all over me, at which point the PC said he would get a phtographer and a female officer... when I was clothed there was no sign of the beating. He was arrested and charged, He was found guilty and despite his violent past and criminal history I had only recently learned of he received community service and a £200 fine.
I went to a solicitor who specialised in Domestic Violence and abuse. I applied and got ex-partie due to the evidence a non-molestation order against him, he could not come near me. I applied and received an occupancy order for our home so we were no longer homeless. I divorced him and for all thos ethat assume incorrectly. I applied and got a divorce, just that nothing more nothing less. No monies - Nothing. (My choice) He had the choice of access whenever he liked for my son, the only stipulation by the courts was that he had to have a family member collect him, he was not allowed to do this himself.
He still continues to put racing, women and beer before his son, I will not stand in his path to see his son, he can see him whenever he likes, he chooses not to. When my son is grown he can have no resentment towards my actions, the sad truth is he will probably stop seeing him altogether in the not to distant future as he did with his other children and then blamed his ex for stopping him.. I have learned that you cannot make someone want their child, you cannot make a person that appears incapable of pure love, love your child and put them in the correct place in their life.
He went from a small incident to a beating in less than 8 weeks, I later found out the truth that he had done this to his first wife years before, he had told me she had an affair and run off with his best friend and she has stopped him seeing the children as he had hit the best friend and he had been charged with assault. At the time I had beleived this plausible story. His family knew the truth and never told me and I doubt they will tell any woman in his life.
The Domestic Violence Unit was wonderful, they helped when I waivered they helped when I did not know what to do and they listened and they told me it was not my fault. No I had not been unfaithful, no he had not been looking after our son and losing sleep, his dinner was still on the table, the house clean etc. My crime I had asked why when my parents were giving us a night off (or more to the point me some time to catch up on sleep as I was exhausted and on my knees by then) I had asked why he had woken me up early when there was no need? I received counselling which I had nearly refused as all my life I had just got on with things, something happens you pick yourself up and just get on with it.
The medical staff were worried about post natal depression as I had two traumatic instances very close together, the labour and the beating. It was the best move I ever made, I dealt with everything. I am happy as well balanced as I am ever going to be, I have no anger towards my ex, he is not an issue in my life. I don't "hate" men I am fully aware as I often get told "not all men are like that". It was not an easy path to take, it was hard I won't lie to any person about that.
Was it worth it, yes yes and yes, not the beating no, but leaving him going through everything dealing with all the mess and upheaval and finding me again, I would do it again in a heartbeat.
I am happy, my son is happy, we are settled in our new home, I have discovered I have some wonderful friends and found out it is amazing what happens when you are honest with them and say help me I need you.
So back to why I am lucky, well I still had that "new" mummy huge protective instinct, I knew I had to get my son out of there, that is what saved me and I left before the abuse got worse. I found the old me again, as one friend said "katie has got her wiggle back" and I have and around about August last year I realised I had made it out of the tunnel, and I was truly happy again.
I have written this not for pity and not for the apologies people will give "sorry you had to go through this" but to show, you can have life after domestic violence, it can be done if I can anyone can.. it is hard but you have it in you somewhere and beleive me it is so worth it in the end. If I can give hope to just one other woman then it is worth talking about something private in a public place. | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 3/16/2007 3:03:27 AM | | Having grown with domestic violence, I can safely say I'd call the police, doesn't matter how old I get I can still here my mum screaming for him to get off her, and coming down the stairs, with my heart going ten to the dozen, and seeing her coverd in blood. She has climbed over a balcony with a 20 foot drop to get away from him, he's fractured her skull, broke her ribs, bust her ear drums, my earlist memory was when she was pregnent with my sister, and there is 3 and half years between my sister and myself, so too bloody right I would. I saw things growing up that I shouldn't have seen, I protected my sister, and made sure she never saw it, as my mums screams would wake us up. It was one of those things that people knew was happening but ignored it. | |
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cargy
| Joined: 10/13/2006 Msg: 31 | |
| Domestic Violence Posted: 3/16/2007 4:08:59 AM | From reading this thread, one would think DV only ever happens to women. Sorry to disappoint, but it happens to men too.
Quite an interesting reaction if a male reports it too, because the authorities (like many of the posters on here) are pre-programmed to assume it can only ever be male to female, and usually offer the available support to the woman perpetrator, as if she is the victim! It is an allegation that, when levelled at a male, automatically brings forth the attitude that there is no smoke without fire.
There are almost no groups out there to protect men from DV, and it's often treated as a laughing matter.
I give advice and help on a divorce support group, and it's obvious that many "claims" of DV in are used simply as a ruse to contort the system to gain control of joint property, finances and children because the system errs on the side of caution.
A common story is that a man is violently attacked by a woman, yet any attempts to restrain or push her away are immediately interpreted as evidence of the male's violence. Heads women win, tails men lose.
I am equally aware of how common DV is to women, and make it clear I don't condone or support violence from either sex. I simply believe that the volume of false allegations is watering down the effectiveness of assistance to those victims (either sex) who are in dire need of help and protection. | |
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djb65
| Joined: 3/4/2007 Msg: 32 | |
| Domestic Violence Posted: 3/16/2007 4:13:24 AM | There's no excuse for domestic violence of any kind.
I'm 6ft 3 ins tall and 16 stones (1.90 and 100kg). How many women are my size?
You can't go any lower than a man hitting a woman.
On the other side, an ex partner of mine accused me of hitting her. I licked my hand and rubbed the mascara off her arm. That happens too, but it is because of those type of people the genuine cases become difficult. | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 3/16/2007 4:25:53 AM | I would have no qualms in ringing the police if a female neighbour was getting beaten by her husband/partner. There is never an excuse for a man to hit a woman despite some women posting on this thread hinting that the neighbour in question somehow provoked the situation or deserved to be hit.
msg 1...If it's your neighbour, why not take the lady in question to one side the next time you see her and explain that you couldn't help but overhear the altercation and offer her your support, should she ever need it. By doing that you're giving her an outlet for a situation that she might be struggling to deal with on her own. Too many people today take the ''it's not my business, so I'm not getting involved'' viewpoint. If it was a female family member being beaten by her partner/husband...how would you feel if you knew neighbours were aware of the domestic violence and stood back and did nothing to help her?
There's a difference between being a concerned neighbour and a nosy neighbour. If a neighbour's safety was at risk, I'd rest easier knowing that I tried to help, rather than sit back in silence. | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 4/26/2007 8:55:50 AM | I am a survivor of Domestic Violence. I wont go into too much detail but no matter how much you love someone they will not change... Its not just physical abuse its also mental and that sometimes can take longer to heal.... I walked out with nothing but the kids and the clothes we were wearing... I now have...A home, Happy kids...Peace of mind... Am I proud of myself??? Of course I am...I did all this myself... Im a survivor.... | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 4/26/2007 9:14:11 AM | | Well said Jules, I'm in exactly the same boat. It's only when you're out of that kind of abusive situation that you can see just what progress you've made as a person and more importantly, how easy it can be in reality to make the changes necessary for your peace of mind and safety. So many women think they are somehow trapped in abusive relationships and decide to put up and shut up with such vile treatment at the hands of a man. I'm not judging anyone reading this who is currently in that position, but know there is help out there for you and that you don't have to suffer in silence! | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 4/26/2007 9:20:57 AM | I can't tolerate men who think it's ok to "give their missus a slap".
No matter what the provocation, there is no excuse.
I pity the poor fella that ever see's fit to lay a hand on any of my girls. | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 4/26/2007 9:37:47 AM | Right now sitting here i'd say no i wouldn't call the police because it wouldn't make a difference at all, it wud be a waste of my time and the police time because alot of the time the woman wouldn't want to press charges the will stay with the man. I'm not sayin DV is right because it is not i don't condone it but men get away with it because the women stay, i'm going to get slated for saying that no doubt but its my opinion which im entilted to. why should i waste my time trying to help someone that clearly doesnt want help, until the lady involved wakes up and opens her eyes to realise that it is wrong wot he is doing and she doesnt deserve it no amount of calls to the police will help. no point trying to help somebody who wont help themselves. | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 4/26/2007 10:35:26 AM | I have actually just finished a 3 day course on Domestic Violence Today, as part of my mentoring young offenders training. Here are some actual relevant statistics -
1 in 20 of all reported crimes is domestic violence In Britain a woman is killed by a violent partner every 3 days. Most women are killed or injured when leaving the relationship It is estimated that 1 in every 4 woman experience domestic violence in their lives Women are 3 times more likely to be injured when pregnant
The dominator usually manifests itself in one or more types of behaviour
The sexual controller will rape you. Won't accept no for an answer. Keeps you pregnant or rejects your advances.
The King of the Castle treats you as a servant/slave. Says women are for sex, cooking and housework. Expects sex on demand. Controls all the money.
The bad father says you are a bad mother. Turns the children against you. Uses access to harass you. Threatens to take the children away. Persuades you to have 'his' baby, then refuses to help you care for it.
The liar denies any abuse. Says it was 'only' a slap. Blames drink, drugs, stress, over work, you, unemployment etc.
The persuader threatens to hurt or kill you or the children. Cries. Says he loves you. Threatens to kill himself. Threatens to report you to Social Services, Dss etc.
The head worker puts you down. Tells you your too fat, too thin, ugly, stupid, useless etc.
The jailer stops you from seeing friends or working. Tells you what to wear. Keeps you in the house. Seduces you friends/family.
The bully glares, shouts, sulks and smashes things. | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 4/26/2007 11:20:09 AM | | Been through this , long time ago , if I thought there was a woman being beaten I wouldnt hesitate to call the police. The neighbours where I used to live called the police , if they hadnt he would have killed me. | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 4/26/2007 11:55:04 AM | Day after day I have heard similar sorts of things... In counselling & through my drugs work
"He swept me off my feet - he was so charming - he acted like everything I was looking for. He felt safe at least in the beginning. But the relationship changed and pretty soon he was lying, cheating, hitting me, making everything my fault"
"Then he was always sorry and I stuck around thinking he would change and he wouldn’t - it almost seemed like he couldn’t be any different for some reason….Then I stayed because I had burned my bridges with my family and friends because I kept staying with him or going back to him and they didn’t want to hear it any more abut the domestic violence. I had no where to go."
"I stayed to figure her out too. I thought if I could just understand what made her do the acts if domestic violence then I could help her, or meet her need, or do something that would make her be happier or better. It was a cycle of hoping, then getting frustrated because she wouldn’t do what she said she would, then hoping again. I lost myself and self esteem in this process. I need to understand why this happened.”
"I have wasted SO many years waiting on a guy to get it together. Really…a lot of my wasted youth. He took advantage of my giving nature. I think these guys look for women like me - those who give and give and always see the best in people. And they like women who are patient and long-suffering."
“He had a really rough childhood and teenage years. I felt sorry for him like no one really gave him a break or understood him or tried to help him get a better life for himself and stop all the domestic violence. I didn’t want to be ‘one more person’ who abandoned him. He kept reminding me too that I was either NOT like people who abandoned him or I was GOING TO BE just like everyone else who abandoned him. I just kept thinking, ‘How did he end up like this? Can anyone help him? "
"I stayed because I didn’t know which I thought was ‘real’ The person who said they would change OR the person who I thought wouldn’t do it again. "
It is only when you come out of the other side of such a relationship as shown in examples above
That you realise how controlled you have been & see the abuser for the person they are
Domestic violence affects us all - if not now with your children & grandchildren's future...
If you know someone is suffering try to support them the best you can & just listen..
Nothing you do or say will make them 'see the light' or change their minds until they are ready
Only when they are ready & 'had enough' can they start to make the steps towards the future..  | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 4/26/2007 12:03:24 PM | Im sure that the police now can pursue without the "Victim" If they have reason to beleieve its happening, they will follow it up... If I knew it was happening I would call the police let them decide...I know its better if the "Victim" makes the decision herself but sometimes a little push in the right direction is needed....I know it took me a while but its something many dont talk about...And your brain has usually been washed to make out its your fault... Having kids helped me...Hearing "Please dont hurt my mum anymore" was just the thing I needed...I believed for a long time I was the only one who could see what was happening and he was good...waited till the kids were in bed etc etc... Knowing I wasnt alone helped and I met some really great women who have picked themselves up and dusted down....and They too are now better off... | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 4/26/2007 1:14:26 PM | Thank you Puddles for your firm stance.
Violence by one person against another is illegal, period. It matters not one jot if the violence is as a result of aggravation or just that a partner happens to be standing in front of a fist being thrown by a drunkard in a rage.
Before I got divorced, I ran a family law firm for my ex who is a lawyer. The statistics for domestic violence are stark and painful to absorb. A woman returns to be abused by her man, in the main, THIRTY SEVEN TIMES before she leaves him for good. And it is not just heterosexual relationships. Lesbian relationships very often involve abuse by one against another as do gay male ones.
Abuse need not always be physical either. it can involve mental torture, sexual abuse and deprivation but almost always it involves one bully and one victim, that victim nearly always ,but not exclusively, being a woman, though it can at times be a man who refuses to retaliate.
Violence is not exclusive to council estates and chavs either, it is regrettably universal and whilst the neighbour in a block of flats might intervene to protect the abused, in the private detached houses of Britain there is nobody to listen out and ring the police.
To respond dorectly to pedro, violence only serves to work against the mindless yobbo of a husband who, whilst at the end of his tether, resorts to the very thing that can ensure he will never see his kids again.
The answer in all cases is to use the law continuously and persistently to ensure it never comes to violence. In the UK family courts, there are CAFCAS officers and thry can be upgraded to Guardians-ad -Litem whose sole purpose is to act in the CHILDREN'S BEST INTERESTS. This does not mean that these court officials are going to believe everything the kids tell them, because whilst the UK Courts do not acknowledge that Parental Alienation Syndrome exists, thty will acknowledge that the sumptoms of PAS are often displayed. If you are unaware of the iniquity of this syndrome where a residential parent and their family tries to turn a child against their non-residential parent, resorting even to implanting false memories and making up horrendous lies to attempt to prevent contact continuing.
I cannot comment about what it is like in Spain since this is actually a UK Only Forum and my expertise is solely UK based, but I can tell you that my lawyer ex ensured my 2 young kids stayed with them and their new partner and sought to exclude me from the lids' lives. it took me two long and painful years to restore contact to a level of almost equal residence. It nearly killed me seeing my babies for 2 hours of supervised contact every 4 weeks - and no, I was both sane and loving that is all my ex would agree to. Indeed in August 2004 i sat in a field with a bottle of coca cola and 70+ tramedols emptied into it and but for a chance call from a friend who had no idea as to the state of my mind, I would not be here now.
My ex and their partner once even threatened to "burn down my house with me in it" but I never once resorted to violence or even threats of it. I reported the fire threat to the police, kept plugging on with the courts, representing myself since my money had run out to pay lawyers (I am not a lawyer, just a loving parent), had some support from some dear friends and won through. Four years on, my ex now acknowledges the kids get a great deal from their time with me and I am no longer irrelevant.
So, I can assure you pedro and any other non-residential parent struggling to restore contact with their kids following divorce that it doesn't just affect men with big easy-to-strike fists and short tempers.
Violence is wrong, there can NEVER be a justification for violence, sorry.
Hugs Kira
PS: I am not a lawyer but if anyone IS having problems with restoring or commencing contact and want to act responsibly and without violence and represent themselves, I am happy to help however I can. x | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 4/26/2007 1:44:35 PM | msg 16
i would NOT call the police to help a woman being beaten if the man has become desperate and mad because
Can't agree with you here geezer, having been attacked violently by a woman on a number if occasions, I never once felt the need to hit back. Laughing in her face with blood pouring out of my mouth from the first time she hit me with a implement gave more satisfaction. What could she possibly do to hurt me, I'm a man after all. If he's prepared to get arrested for beating her, then why not just get arrested for trespassing on her property to see his kids. I'm sure his kids will respect him a lot more for it. Trust me, if my father ever touched my mother I would deal with the situation, even if I had to wait 15 years to be old enough to do it.
msg 24
there is NO acceptable reason for violence - domestic or otherwise.
Anyone who thinks there is acceptable reasons for violence is mentally sick.
I would love to agree with you but there are reasons that justify violence in my book, such as battering a nonse and I don't believe anyone that recognises that fact is anywhere near as sick as the nonse. Still as you say you have your veiw and others have theirs.
I decided to get involved in a situation with a friend one night when we saw a woman getting abused by what turned out to be her husband. Next thing we know there's 2 guys coming at us and the stupid **** and her sister too because I slapped the husband. Not sure if I slapped him because he hit her or because he took a swing at me. Police got called and next thing I know we are being lectured by them for slapping the 2 blokes. Nothing happened to the husband because she "loves" him and did not want to press charges. Would I get involved again, don't know.
msg 36, I agree with you entirely mate, I'd happily swing for my daughter without a moments hesitation. | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 4/26/2007 3:11:26 PM | my mother was a sufferer of domestic violence and i got my own back on my so called father a few years back,if any man laid a finger on me he would be picking his teeth up off the floor,domestic violence is one thing i wont stand
blimey tthis is the only serious post ive posted!!! | |
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cargy
| Joined: 10/13/2006 Msg: 45 | |
| Domestic Violence Posted: 5/1/2007 8:24:38 AM | ...And we're still banging on as if it's only ever experienced by women
Yep, 1 in 4 women are victims.... what about the 1 in 6 men who get NO protection or help? | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 5/1/2007 8:35:16 AM | ^^^^Yup ppl seem to think it's only women victims.......^^^
People automatically assume only women go thru DV cause men tend to suffer in silence.
My sister had her flatmates cuz come stay with them because he was suffering from Dv and like many women do he soon went running back. | |
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Mufski
| Joined: 4/14/2007 Msg: 47 | |
| Domestic Violence Posted: 5/1/2007 8:36:10 AM | People who have had a violent partner don't stand any higher chance of attracting another one - I'm afraid it's actually the opposite, they habitually seek out the type of person who is more likely to commit such an act!
There's an undeniably hard and fast link between DM and alcohol too, but to reply to the original point - if I heard a domestic disturbance I would neither intervene nor report the matter **UNLESS** it was exceptionally severe - it just ain't worth getting involved, especially when the mentality of one (or even both!) people concerned may well be to have a pop at you for doing so! | |
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djb65
| Joined: 3/4/2007 Msg: 48 | |
| Domestic Violence Posted: 5/1/2007 8:57:42 AM | I remember one of my younger sister's ex-boyfriends tried it on.
He ended up in hospital. My sister is an ex club standard swimmer and she can carry my 16 stone frame up a flight of stairs over her shoulder! | |
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| Domestic Violence Posted: 5/1/2007 10:05:01 AM | | I am completely against any Domestic Violence or Violence of kind. No one has any right to attack another persons person. Argue & shout all you like scream rant & rave obsenities I dont care. But to attack another person is way out of order that goes for Men who attack women, or women who attack women. And whatever else versions you wissh to add in. | |
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cargy
| Joined: 10/13/2006 Msg: 50 | |
| Domestic Violence Posted: 5/1/2007 11:09:27 AM | Msg 51: PrincessI'm intrigued. Immediately I mention DV towards male, and your post begins referring to homosexuals! What are you implying? lol
Actually it's a good point, because they are also relevent in this issue, but I must say I was referring to good ol' heterosexual DV.
As I said earlier, 1 in 6 men are victims of it and probably many more if it wasn't such a laughing matter to many. The fact is there are numerous support groups and helplines out there aimed at ladies, but as a male, you will find them almost non-existant.
Many so-called DV help groups are nothing of the sort. They are WOMEN'S DV help groups.
Many women consider it fair game to physically attack males, in the full knowledge that they are pretty well untouchable because of the deep-rooted perception of
men's superior physical strength
As I said earlier in this thread. if a man so much as restrains the arms of a woman attacking him, he becomes viewed as the primary physical aggressor by the Police and other authorities.
At the end of my marriage, I was physically attacked many times , the last being in the street with an independant witness. The police weren't interested and felt there wasn't enough evidence even with medical evidence. I doubt they'd say that to a woman, it's not PC is it!
I agree support is needed for the many women DV victims, 1 in 4 is an apalling figure, definately worse than the 1 in 6 for men, but is that reason enough to neglect supporting THEM? Would they take that attitude were the figures reversed. I doubt it very much. | |
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