| Married women and affairs
Posted: 2/24/2008 2:36:48 PM | I think there was a time when women were thought to have fewer or no options in an unhappy marriage. Women were thought to be trapped (more likely than men) by financial dependence and unable to leave because they'd be unable to support themselves and their children in acceptble manner without that husband/daddy there. Also, people probably sympathized more with a woman who was "afraid" to leave for fear of retailiation from her brute of a husband, or whatever. A man in an unhappy marriage had no excuse for staying in it other than his own selfishness of wanting to have his cake and not miss out on eating someone else's cake too.
Today, I think women don't get away with it as much as they once did because there really is no excuse for a woman to be *that* financially dependent on her husband these days, especially if this is a husband she's not happy with. Miserable marriage = extra incentive to get out there and get educated and be financially independent so you don't have to cheat to get your needs met.
And my question with regard to this topic (probably more appropriate for the "ask a guy" section) is-- when a man is unhappy in a marriage and either cheats or wants to cheat real bad.....does a man ever actually leave the marriage or do men more likely find other outlets, excuses for staying away from home more often, more focus on career or drinking buddies, or perhaps begin to act like a total****so that she will leave him instead, relieving him of the guilt of ending the marriage? What I mean is--do unhappily married men ever do the courageous thing and end the marriage?
/tess | |
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| Married women and affairs
Posted: 2/25/2008 2:33:06 PM | Coming from a background where ALL women are unemployed homemakes and husbands are complete breadwinners, I implore the fact that women here as well can get off their feet and take control of their lives (through education and a career ofcourse). Modern day nuclear famillies are dual-income earning families leaving little reason to continue a very unhappy and unloving relationship. The whole dependence issue is out of the equation. But I do agree with one of the posts regarding "committment" in that it's taken extremely lightly these days. Just as women are taught at an early age not to care about the men they sleep with in the formative teenage years of their life (dump him when you go to college and try several )(*)* sizes), married men and women aren't exactly pressured to stay in relationships either. Considering the sexualization of our society (I speak out our society as if it's actualy mine too, even if I may not be white!) you've also got the pressure of twosomes, orgies, and all the other stuff that we taught that is supposed to be normal and healthy for us. It's fantasy fuel that has been injected in our brains that we must have sometime in our life in order to feel alive or good about life. IF you never try it how do you know it's not good for you?
Well that answer is simple, you don't need to try cocaine or heroine to know that it just isn't for you.. your moral boundaries keep you in check to what you deem acceptable behavior. And that's where the lines get drawn with people on here and in the real world. Some of you have no problem with cheating, swinging, or the fact that your daughters are now working as strippers and sucking off random men every night.. but some of us actually are about that stuff and rather not see that happen just as we may not be so excited about guns and corporate governments ruling our lives without any of our consent.
I agree with one of the posters regarding the "cheating is cool" opposiition, we as humans are raised up to take control of our animal urges and to become civilized. It's what distinguishes us from the animal kind and from one another! People that are educated usually have higher moral standards for themselves in my opinion than those babboons that swear pathologically and impore the virtues of the life of dirt. They are the ones that find nothing taboo nor do they have any sense of courtesy, etiquette, or "class" in my opinion.
As for the question about men leaving loveless marriages? Well I can try to relate it to what men would do ( at least what I would do) if I was in a situation of being unhappy. I could do either one of two things: A) dump the girl and the relationship.. causing her pain, misery, anger, and eventually forcing her to question herself and her own integrity as a woman: am I not beautiful enough, good enough, loving enough, do I not try hard ... all psychological ailments that can take a while to recover from (if ever). And let's not forget bad karma! If there is anything one should never do in one life I believe is to break another person's heart.... the pain and tears you cause them on an emotional level is enough for whatever diety to "damn you" in the same or worse way. So yes potentially dumping someone can really turn out to be a disastor... or B) you could sabotage your own relationship, not give into the relationship as a normal, loving, healthy man would give. Normal and happy relationships consist of joy and fun in all arenas.. emotional, physical, and the material. So you start showing little emotional regard, little physical attention (sex and what not), and of course little material gifts. You don't buy her roses on valentines day, you don't take her out when she's got a promotion, and you don't do a whole lot of other things that otehrwise excellent husbands/boyfriends would do. The result? She eventually realizing that you are not a good boyfriend and don't deserve to be with a woman that does so much for him. Eventually .. slowly, but surely she realizes her self worth and dumps YOU.. which is exactly what you wanted. And of course you could always appeal to the whole "I don't feel enough spark with you" argument to not really turn things ugly. Try to throw in a vague and general statement sort of like how women throw in the "I don't have butterflies around you anymore" statement to end it. The result is you dont break a heart and ofcourse in it's place you take an ego beating (you're not this and that ,etc), but we all know us men can recover that easily. We know for a fact that we can love someone to death if we really wanted to.. given we were that into her.
Personally I've had to do that once or twice but of course earlier the better before feelings get hurt. As for cheating in general, there is a reason why "adultery" is considered a sin people! It's just cowardice and hurtful for someone to do that to someone that was so into you one in your life. Do you not remember your marriage pictures and good times? | |
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| Married women and affairs
Posted: 2/25/2008 3:32:04 PM | | and i am sure the little"wife" is tired of the same stuff as well so maybe you need to let her have that same option. jmo | |
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| Married women and affairs
Posted: 2/25/2008 3:47:19 PM | i think actually men are more often excused as just "acting like men", than women are - history shows more leniency toward male adulterers than women (kings and nobility often had mistresses who were accorded the same (albeit unofficial) status as their wives in many cases... women were often sent to nunneries or killed/cast out, if they did the same..)
to me, someone who commits adultery/cheats, is someone who can not be trusted, whether male or female - it's wrong either way | |
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| Married women and affairs
Posted: 2/25/2008 4:18:53 PM | People who cheat of EITHER gender are looked down upon by those with morals, standards, and consciences.
People who cheat of EITHER gender are not looked down upon by those who cheat. | |
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| Married women and affairs
Posted: 2/25/2008 5:25:32 PM | Be you man or woman and cheat, those who value marriage and monogomy frown upon cheating just the same.
Gender has nothing to do with it.
It is not acceptable if you have a loveless marriage, or a husband/wife who is never home, doesn't understand you blah blah blah
cheating is cheating no matter who ya are and it's just wrong. | |
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| Married women and affairs
Posted: 5/7/2008 7:05:49 AM | | I agree. I dont understand why some people can make such a big deal about it. A physical urge to express with another consenting human being!! Sex can be two different things. One yes and expession of love but also sex is sex!!!!!!! | |
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| Married women and affairs
Posted: 5/7/2008 7:22:47 AM | I think both are held accountable to an extent. Both are frowned upon by those who value commitment and fidelity.
But I do think there is a sizeable minority that view both genders cheating in a different light. Any guy who cheats is a dog and did so without reason. Any woman who cheats did so because her man wasn't taking care of business. | |
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| Married women and affairs
Posted: 5/8/2008 2:43:48 AM | | i agree totally; i see so many posts from women cheating on their men and the women tend to be sympathetic and sensitive. If a man does it he's a dog. cheating is cheating. | |
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| Married women and affairs
Posted: 5/8/2008 3:29:04 AM | If you are in a loveless or lonely marriage, get out while you can. It ends up hurting more if you try to cheat and stay in the relationship at the same time.
my .o2
Good luck to you! | |
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| Married women and affairs
Posted: 5/8/2008 4:25:53 AM | OP wrote: "Why is it that married women who are looking to have an affair aren't looked down upon as much as men who are also looking? Can't a man be in a "loveless or lonely marriage". For the same reasons, and not want to change the situation at home for what ever that reason is."
Ummmm, I don't understand where you get this information, suggesting that people think it's more honorable for women to cheat on their spouses than it is for men. Maybe what you're seeing is that there seems to be more "takers" for cheating wives; now, that would make sense. Regardless, I think it's very sad for anyone to live that way, regardless of gender. If the marriage isn't working for you, and you're motivated to stay either for the children or for financial reasons, then for God's sake FIX IT!! Fix it, or leave and start a new life. Here's a quote I heard on CBC radio sometime ago that I quite liked: "Every divorce is a perfect marriage sacrificed on the alter of self..." | |
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nogo3
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Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 37 | |
| Married women and affairs
Posted: 5/8/2008 4:49:44 AM | message # 8 says it like it is.
and the only people ****iing about it are the women and men that are not getting any sex. they are just jealous cause they don't look good enough to get someone.
people need to learn to mind their own damn business and leave other people alone.
personally if i was looking for a woman i would take one of those hot little married girls anyday because they are safer cause they don't kiss an tell and no unexpected babies to worry about and most times the sex is fantastic.
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| Married women and affairs
Posted: 5/8/2008 5:18:01 AM | | Whoever in the world said they aren't looked down upon? I'm an equal opportunity cheater basher. I don't care what your gender is, cheating is cheating and it's inexcusable. | |
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| Married women and affairs
Posted: 5/8/2008 6:20:09 AM | | Do people just not understand the concept of personal responsibility? There is a basic decision making process that takes place when these situations arise. Either you go for it or you decide it isn't worth the pain it will cause. One involves thinking only of yourself. The other involves thinking how it will affect others. To retreat to "it just happened" is just cowardly. And believe me, I know. I've been there. | |
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| Married women and affairs
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:36:05 AM | | Wouldn'tit be nice if life was just so black and white but it's not! There are as many reasons as there is stars in the night sky. You may still love your spouce but no longer in love with them because of life changes. | |
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| Married women and affairs
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:52:24 AM | | Cheating is genderless, it takes 2 to tango. As for me, I have been single for the majority of my adult life, and have never gone near a married woman and never will. There's "too many fish" who are single to go after one with a ring. | |
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| Married women and affairs
Posted: 5/28/2008 2:26:26 PM | | Cheating hurts the honest spouse but that are other things that hurt also, such as being ignored, verbally put down, forced to pay for essentials while the spouse buys toys for him/herself, etc. As a victim of cheating, I felt it hurt more that my then-wife FELL IN LOVE with someone and was excited to be with him more than she was HAVING SEX with him. | |
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