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grets
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Joined: 11/11/2006
Msg: 27 | |
| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/16/2007 6:53:36 AM | How do you solve the problems of the world?
Get the hungry to eat the homeless | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/26/2007 3:33:33 PM | As I was leaving this morning, I said to myself the last thing you must do is forget your speech. And sure enough, as I left the house this morning, the last thing I did was to forget my speech  | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/27/2007 11:09:05 AM | Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/28/2007 4:23:18 PM | | Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/29/2007 9:40:43 PM |
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
One reason to always let a child finish the story before having them tell someone else....LOL | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 5/4/2007 11:56:44 AM | | SPEEDING TICKETA police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 5/4/2007 4:58:19 PM | The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when
all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own
hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or
significant other!
In the following order:
DANGEROUS:
SAFER:
SAFEST:
ULTRA SAFE:
What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some wine.
Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some wine
What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some wine.
Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
Here, have some wine.
What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some more wine. | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 5/7/2007 3:36:18 AM | | Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? A: She heard that the drinks were on the house. | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 5/24/2007 3:57:11 PM | | "Hello. Your Mother-In-Law fell into my pool filled with crocodiles.""The crocodiles are yours, so you save them." | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 5/24/2007 4:01:17 PM | | Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing any thing that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals and sunglasses. The next morning, they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a****ail, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous, topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." She nodded to each, and addressed each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After awhile, the same topless blonde came walking toward them. Again, she nodded at each of them, and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." She started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "How in the world did you know we're priests, dressed as we are?" "Father, it's me, Sister Katherine," she replied. | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 5/25/2007 3:46:35 PM | | How can you tell when a man is well hung?When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 5/25/2007 3:48:48 PM | The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."
Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."
The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."
Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."
She calls on Little Johnny in the back.
Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano."
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 6/5/2007 1:50:20 PM | | Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys,All on different limbs at different levels.Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but ***holes. | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 6/7/2007 4:45:58 PM | Three ladies sitting in a doctors office.
One says "I'm gonna have a boy cause my husband was on top."
Another says "I'm gonna have a girl cause I was on top."
Last one says "****, I'm gonna have a puppy."
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 6/7/2007 7:19:45 PM | Two old gents and their nurse-attendant were sitting on the lawn of the state hospital enjoying the afternoon, when a little bird flew over and pooped on the one of the bald heads of one of the fellas.
The nurse got all flustered and said to the gents - Don't you guys go anywhere, I'll run in and get some toilet paper, and off she goes.
The old timers looked at each other and one of them said, "Are we crazy or is she crazy, by the time she gets back with the toilet paper, that bird will be a half a mile away. | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 7/21/2007 3:35:16 PM | A woman walks into the doctor's surgery but doesn't like the way he's looking at her.
When he tells her to undress, she asks him to turn out the lights before she disrobes. After he turns out the lights she says: "Where will I put my clothes?"
"Hang them up over here," he says. "Next to mine."
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 7/24/2007 1:37:29 AM | Man walks into the doctors and says,
doc feels like i have some thing up my nose,
doc says ya take your finger out of it....
sorry one just of the top of my head... here hope this one is a little better......
old Lady dies and is talking to god at gates,
hears awful scream,
"don't worry" said god,
"that's a lady getting holes put in her shoulders for wings,"
a few minutes later the screaming starts again,
"not to worry" says god,
"she having her head drilled for the halo"
the old lady is in shock,
"i want to go to hell"
"you can't go there" says god,
"you'd be raped,"
"maybe so" says the old lady,
"but at lest i have the hole for that"...... | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 8/2/2007 10:06:07 AM | A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation ?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 3/15/2008 6:14:12 PM | A little long but worth it.
A fellow walks into the unemployment office in Kansas City, Kansas and starts to look thru the job openings and comes accross one for a gynocologists assistant. He takes the card to the person in charge to inquire about the job. The person in charge says " this job requires you to assist the doctor by getting the ladies ready for their appointment. You will help them disrobe and then you will shave them so they will be fresh for the doctor. Then you will rub soothing oils into that area so they will be comfortable for the doctor. Also the job pays $45,000 per year with the usual benefits. There's just one catch. You have to go to Topeka, Kansas and that's 120 miles from here" "Why said the applicant? Is that where the job is?" "No says the unemployment clerk. That's where the end of the line is." | |
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