| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 11:20:24 AM | i think ur friend is afraid 2 be alone.. or maybe her bf has her thinking that no one will ever want her.. so she`s 'clinging' onto him..
sounds like this guy has ' peter pan syndrome' & needs 2 grow up soon!..
is this her first serious relationship pink?.. | |
|
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 11:31:18 AM | | Another woman who thinks she can change her partner into her ideal. Your friend needs to wake up. You've given her your advice and that's all you can do. I'd be willing to bet that when this relationship ends she'll find some other "damaged" guy to fix. | |
|
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 11:38:03 AM | O/P.Take your friend to some "older" bars.
She will be very popular.....and have a good mix of "older "fella's Swooning over her.
That should give her the idea that her a**hole b/friend is not so hot.
She needs to open her eyes to other possabilities that are BETTER than what she has.
Take that horse to the water trough......and just hold her halter....
Eventually .she'll get the idea.....that HEY !!..She's actually popular and attractive to a better group of people.
My 2 cents.
 | |
|
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 11:42:40 AM | Be careful OP. I lost a dear friend some time ago because I was helping her see her denial. In the end, she stayed with the jackazz and left me behind. There is no way to "make" someone see things of this nature. It's tough ~ but listening is about the best option I can come up with. She's going to live her life the way she wants, you can't change that. JMO  | |
|
kar1
|
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 30 | |
| |
kar1
|
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 31 | |
| |
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 1:11:08 PM | Unfortunately, like so many others here have posted, you can't make her see this. If she hasn't already seen this loser for what he is with the things he has already done, I don't think she's going to see it anytime soon.
Sad, very sad, but all you can do is either just be her friend and be there for her when it falls apart - or you can tell her that as long as she continues down this self destructive path with this guy that you choose not to be a part of her life. | |
|
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 1:33:14 PM | | She most likely enjoys the attention and the drama, good or bad it's still attention by this man who in your OP showed that he doesn't have any trouble finding and enticing women. So he is a conquest to her. Perhaps she'll grow out of it but hopefully before it's too late. Very common scenario actually. Women chasing Alpha's only to realize that it's not worth the breeding stock. | |
|
| |
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 1:47:58 PM | Education is the best form of prevention.
So Educate yourself on Domestic Violence.
There are local woman's DV shelters that would be more then willing to provide you with the correct information that you need for your own understanding and as well as ways for you to help her when she is ready. Make sure to ask them about a "safety plan" for her.
****the comment that was made about her parents raised her this way: *********
where have you gotten your information? And here I thought the cave man mentality was lost forever. You bring new meaning to the word DUH!!!!!
best of luck to you..
c~ | |
|
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 1:53:05 PM | | yes i think this guy is a %#$%#. sad thing is theres alot of them out there. Cant always see them eather.. they hide it well till the time comes that they have you. Makes it hard for the good guys out there that really want more. We deal with that every day.. trying to make up for what other jerks have done.. and I use "jerk" loosly.. Anyway the other sad thing is that YOU CANT MAKE HER DO ANYTHING.. I know .. Ive been in her spot.. LOve is sooooo Blind.. My ex cheated on me 4 times .. left me over 12 times.. I always begged her back..Or hung Like a puppy waiting for her to wake up.. For her to change .. But No one can change anything about someone else. You need be a friend for her.. You need to be there for the many many many heartaches she wil have for this guy. It sounds like shes hooked . Sooner or later she will rip the hook out of her mouth . But thats scary to do and it hurts like hell . In the mean time do anything you can to help her move in the right direction. Away from him.. But dont push to hard.. Let her know you dont like seeing her like this and that you will always be there for her nomatter what.. I wish I had that when I finally gave up on my ex.. someone as a friend who I could fall back on.. Shes lucky she has you. Its hard to watch someone you care about suffer in a hurtfull relationship.. maybe you can go to councling with her.. If she'll go.. But again ITS HER CALL.. You can only be there for her Not make her listen. SHE and Only SHE can do that.. Its a lesson she will learn. But it may not be fun ..(sigh) | |
|
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 1:53:33 PM |
If the guys does change, I think that the happiness she would feel will be short lived. ... YOU CAN NOT make her do anything she doesn't want to do... SHE LOVES this drama... This guy lied to her and she probably has fallen in love with the fantasy picture he has painted of himself... It sounds very much like a controller relationship. If so, she is under his drug and unable to be rational..
All these statements, however different they are, have a common theme: the girl is hooked on a guy who represents her perception of 'love', and without him, she feels lost and desperate to fill a void.
Until she has some awareness of what it is that stirs her passions, she will be drawn to the kind of man she sees as having authority. It comes out as abuse in her situation but she can see only that it is powerful, and she surrenders both from fear of losing him, and out of willingness, because this is her version of being in love.
It's correct, then, that if this guy saw his ways weren't healthy and decided to change for the better, she would lose interest very quickly. It sounds like she has no idea what being treated properly feels like, so it wouldn't get the same response from her.
I don't know that she "LOVES" the drama as much as needs it. She's young and inexperienced, not necessarily masochistic, as if she preferred terrible behaviour over respect. Saying she would rather have this monster than a nice guy is to assume she has more self-awareness and people savvy, which doesn't seem to be the case.
The drug analogy is quite apt: he has her psychologically dependent on him, and even tho' it can kill her, she is voracious for her 'fix', no matter what it takes. The 'fantasy picture' is also spot-on. This is what she sees, not the real him. By the time she may ever recognize who he really is, she's so far gone that unless something drastic happens to interrupt the cycle (and I have no idea what that will or can be), she'll be stuck following this kind of pattern for most of her life.
As her friend, OP, I applaud your concern and desire to do whatever you can to help. Your friend IS in danger, and even if she's presumed to act as an adult, she is like someone stuck in a brainwashing cult, and cannot make sensible choices for herself. She needs the intervention of those who love her, and it may take a long time to break through.
The first thing you could do is (casually) gather as many of hers and your mutual friends as possible and have a talk with her about the dilemma you have. Ask her what she would do in the case you describe, as if it were about someone else, not her. .. Yes, she'll probably figure out it's an ambush of sorts, and for a while she actually could hate all of you.
I know this must hurt like blazes to take such a hard line, but this is someone you love, being emotionally and physically battered by a despicable creep. She needs to hate, so be it. At least find a way to get your concerns on the table, and don't let her feel like you will give up on her - even if she fights you on it, she'll know she is not alone.
Oh ya, and whether it's a part of your life or not, it wouldn't hurt to PRAY .. a LOT.
God bless,
WizeChik | |
|
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 2:03:50 PM | It takes two to tango, woman who are used to being abused will find abusers or subconciously get the guy to treat her bad.
When a woman tells me how all these guys are bad to her, I run for the door. She has just a big of a problem as the guys and I do not want to be drawn into this kind of destructive behavior. | |
|
girl11
|
Joined: 11/16/2006
Msg: 39 | |
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 2:08:26 PM | | The best thing you can do is never tell her he is bad or wrong but make sure she always can and does come to you when he treats her badly. This way she wont be hiding anything, and by knowing she can trust you to listen and not judge (out loud at least) she should start to hear herself and figure what he is really like. One of my friends was in a similar situation and she said the only way she realised and managed to get out was never having to keep anything all to herself. Your friend does not need to hear she is wrong to stay, just that she loved and can always have you to turn to, no matter how embarassing the treatment she recieves from this excuse for a man. | |
|
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 2:26:16 PM | Mesg 20
and you KNOW all this because...?
Now unless she actually is your SISTER, or an exgirlfiriend, I don't think you can make any claims about whether this is karma or whatever. How do you know how many( if any) nice guys hearts she's broken? I'd be more inclined to think this is the girls first serious relationship and she just doesn't know any better. Maybe she lurks in the PoF forums and has come to believe that ALL men are abusive liars and cheaters. (Now of course that's NOT true, but them's the kind we hear most about in these parts!)
OP, you can't make her see anything. All you can do is speak your piece, then try to be there for her WITHOUT facilitating the continuation of the abusive relationship. I'm sorry, I know you care!But sometimes you just have to be the one down in the river waiting to catch the friend who INSISTS on jumping off the bridge.
Cindy O | |
|
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 3:45:14 PM | There are a lot of good suggestions put forward in the previous postings. Most people are giving their opinions based on what they have read, heard, seen on TV, or maybe even witnessed first hand. Although I agree that there are many similarities in different people who are in the same situation as your friend, I still think that what works for one may not work for someone else. I would also suggest that what works for a person on one day may not on a different day.
My advice to you is to take 'meeting by fate''s advice and educate yourself. Talk to as many different people who have firsthand knowledge on the subject as you can...read up on the subject and then plot a course of action.
I'll wish you lots of luck and Ihope that you're successful. | |
|
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 4:57:49 PM |
how do I make her see what she is in denial of?!
Short answer: You can't.
Longer answer: You still can't. You've told her what you think, but that's pretty much all you can do. Somrtomes yoou have to sit back & watch the train wreck. Then tou can help pick up the pieces. | |
|
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 6:56:06 PM |
Then, the other night, I guess she pissed him off and he pulled her hair and yelled at her, and she was driving home and got into a car accident...I don't know what to do - He is totally running her into the ground
He sure is running her into the ground. Why you may ask? Because SHE IS ALLOWING HIM TO. Simple as that! It's HER choice to remain with this tosser, thus SHE has to face the consequences, there is nothing you can say or do to people such as your friend to guide them away from abusers such as her b/f, only SHE can make that decision. | |
|
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 7:22:50 PM | | She won't see it....tell she's ready...as for you, just continue to be a friend to her cause one day she's going to need you........ | |
|
| |
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 7:47:27 PM | I'm not going to read the above posts, so just going on the 1st post.
I guess she pissed him off and he pulled her hair and yelled at her
I'm scared by the words here...
Her safety is at risk and she doesn't care enough about herself at this stage to do anything about it. The girl has chosen the path of being abused, and within no time this guy will be pounding the crap out of her.
Here are the things you can do:
1) Take her to women's transition homes to see the women and hear their stories, how the man never changed, the cycle of abuse, etc. Put books in front of her face on the topic.
2) You can also give her information on resources in your area for women, including emergency numbers for shelters, transition homes, counselling services, women's centres etc. There are often groups available for women who are being or have been abused as well as subsidized counselling. She needs to know about this.
3) Also, I would provide her information on STD's and the easy way they are spread, so she is in full knowledge of what her hunk of burning love is going to be bringing home to her. He isn't just doing his ex.
4) Be straight with her about what you see her doing to herself & if the shoe was on the other foot, how you know she'd feel extremely upset and scared for you if it was you going through that. Ask her what she would tell you if that was the case... ask her what advice she would give you.
5) Encourage her to take care of herself in any way possible that she can. Her self is esteem/self worth is in the pits, but taking care of herself is vital. It's only through gaining in this area that she'll get out.
6) Ask the local police department if they have a victim's services department, another area you'll find resources and people she can turn to for assistance.
You can't make someone see they are in denial. It's a process they need to go through to truly get, but your assistance and feedback can help with that.
Lastly, take care of yourself, you'll need to vent and get suggestions by professionals who deal with women who are being abused, in order to hang in there. I know I couldn't stand by and watch a friend going through this without support from others around me, it can kill you inside. Thank you for being there for her, to whatever point you can be. It's caring people like yourself that make this world a more compassionate place.
| |
|
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 8:17:48 PM | | I don't know how you can make a person "see" anything. But if what your saying is true the mans scum. If you have the proof of what you say risk the friendship and intervene. When I found myself in a simular state my friend did and when the evidence was presented sufficiently, I left a bad relationship and was much better for it. Sure I was angry, but more at myself for not seeing it, then I was at my friend. Allbeit at the time I was plenty upset with my friend. Just be carefull, if you can't back what your saying with anything other then your opinion, most likely the conversation will be attributed to jealosy. | |
|
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 10:12:27 PM | Buddha is dead but do not be deceived, God cannot be mocked. A person reaps what she sows. Message 40? I get it from her friend, the OP.
"She is 18, he is 27." "Guy has cheated on her like 6 times with his ex-girlfriend and has lied to her over and over and over, and she believes him."
"She pissed him off and he pulled her hair and yelled at her, and she was driving home and got into a car accident...I don't know what to do." "From what I hear, he did the exact same things to his ex, so we know he hasn't changed..She wants him so bad and wants to make it work."
In summary, if she was decent, she would be with a decent man and she's a woman. Meaning, she has the choice.
Yet she decides the obvious wrong relationship which her friend the OP, seems to know much about. The cheating, the physical abuse, verbal abuse, sex with his former girlfriend numerous of times and the similar treatment of this former girlfriend.
Detailed information. In every similar story of a woman being with a womanizer and abuser, that woman shares of the nice guy who loved her yet they rejected. Nice guy usually has the last laugh. Perhaps you and others have turned down such a man in your lives only to settle for the dirtbags and angry of the truth and exposure.
Having sympathy for this woman does not change the fact that she is indeed a dirtbag herself and loves the drama. | |
|
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/26/2007 1:44:56 AM | It seems there are many here who don't understand abuse. On one hand I guess you're fortunate to have escaped, thus far, but that doesn't warrant condemning someone whose life is dictated by such experiences, and it's bloody COLD to blame the victim. I guess that's easy to say, when you're not subjected to either the firsthand witness of it or the receipt of the abuse, that the abused person deserves it, which is in essence what you are saying.
Someone psychologically hooked on the attachment to an abuser is ***UNABLE*** TO CHOOSE HEALTHY BEHAVIOUR, not just unwilling.
Loves the drama?
Get real.
.. and to the one labelling her a dirtbag? Funny, that's probably exactly what the girl is accustomed to being told about herself, and she BELIEVES it. Imagine that.
I'm deeply glad she has a true friend who fears for her life, rather than dispassionately sitting in judgement, safe from the continuous punishment - not only by her abuser, but also by those who are too content in their distance to actually CARE. | |
|
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/26/2007 5:04:51 AM |
Buddha is dead but do not be deceived, God cannot be mocked. A person reaps what she sows. You obviously have very little perception of Karma... and "a person reaps what they sow".... or you would not be 'sowing' such bitterness. You also have very little understanding of the dynamics of abuse.
OP - I personally would suggest that you try and surround her with more positivity.... if he has broken up the relationship right now, then use it as a window. As another poster suggested, I would get her out.... to places that will interest her, that are positive, and where she may meet someone more positive.... also try and expose her to a few couples that have good and strong relationships...... highlite the differences without saying it.... do it all in the name of being a friend around to help, and she will see it..... it may be slow, but she will see it sooner or later. Be a friend... even if she does go back to him again.... and let her know that you will always be there for her..... she will see the light when it is time.
 | |
|
Home
login 
