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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 8:28:53 AM | anutherchance ^ I do know everything. I know you have herpes, I read it in your medical file which accessed via the international medical database, I also know you have a heroin addiction, have been in rehab more times than Courtney Love and you like miniture pugs. 
*kidding....please don't hurt me...*
See "Private Dick thread, for inside joke." | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 8:36:00 AM | This is why it is important to be integral and take care of their heart in your communications. Never go beyond the natural boundaries that exist unless you are going to go the mile. As for others coming along?? hmmmm How can a person be intimate with more then one? conversations are that and if it comes to the point where you would hurt another for a new choice then you have crossed a boundary that was inappropriate for the level of communication.
No ifs ands or buts... We are responsible for what we communicate. just because these are little text boxes doesn't mean there isn't a real human on the other end. One that has a heart that beats, feelings that flow, and could potentially be hurting because you have there heart in your hand. This doesn't sound familiar to me and can't understand why anyone would conduct themselves in a fashion that would even get themselves in a situation like this.
What do you do? step back from the key board, and learn how to hold another's heart in sacred regard. sure you can chatt with more then one. But when you become intimate with more then one someone is going to get hurt...
crazylilting | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 8:48:10 AM | Ahh, so many women, so little me. I'll talk with that "better one" for a while and meet the first. If I'm already in any kind of relationship, there IS no better one - until one of us proves otherwise. I hate being played, so I won't do it.
Steve | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 8:50:05 AM | If you are just talking online or have even gone out on a date(s) but do not consider yourself exclusive then you talk to the other person and make your decisions based on what develops with both people. As long as you are honest about what you do, let both know that you are dating someone else as well, you have nothing to worry about.
If you have become exclusive with someone, then you just laugh at how timing seems so bloody poor with dating it seems more than almost anything else. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 8:57:52 AM | OP, if you're just emailing #1 and then along comes #2 what makes you think this will be your choice anyway? Maybe neither one (after meeting in person) will go any where. ... this is a HUGE possibility -- and they definately are emailing more than just you.
Don't give it a thought until you're actually in a relationship. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 10:51:42 AM | If you are only corresponding and no sex has taken place, then there is no problem with explaining the situation to each, to let them know what is going on.
If honesty is part of the package that you seek, then they will either accept it, or decide that the effort to secure your commitment will be too great for them, and vanish. It's a risk, but an acceptable one (for me at least).
However, once an agreement to exclusivity is made, all that changes. You are "locked" in, as far as I am concerned. There is no "better". You should have, by that point, found other aspects of the person that have convinced you to see what kind of a love is possible with them. Sadly, though, what happens is that people have different ideas of commitment. Some are ALWAYS on the look out for something "better", even when they are with someone.
The concepts of "better" and "worse" are merely based in nuance.
When one allow themelves to get caught up by minor variations of a theme, they are losing the forest for the trees. They lose sight of the big picture.... and at that point, their actions become erratic, dictated by their fascination with minor differences that make only a minor difference. Sometimes, in fascination, it is possible to overlook very MAJOR differences that will have a negative impact.... an impact that otherwise would not have taken place if they'd have stayed the course.
There has to come a time when the selection process ends, and you decide that you are satisfied, but that only comes when you commit. On that day, when you finally find each other, then you can rest and marvel at others who keep shopping, working their way up a Jacob's Ladder that they've constructed for themselves..... forever climbing the rungs of nuance..... and wondering why they can't find perfection.
But I digress.....
If you are only dating, then all is fair. Simply be open, and sportsman-like. Some will hate you for it, but a few will understand completely, and love you for it... and take my advice, it is THOSE few you want to pick from. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 11:18:10 AM | | I guess I'am going to be single forever because I find it ridiculous for people to think they have a commitment with someone because they've chatted online a few times or had a meeting together. | |
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diit
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Joined: 12/26/2006
Msg: 36 | |
| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 11:52:05 AM | Two options: If the new one is so much more interesting, that you would only be stringing the first one along as a fall back plan, thats not very nice. Better to tell #1 that you've met someone else, and end communication. No one likes being second choice, or the back up plan.
If you really are just not sure, and both are legitimately viable options, then talk to both of them. But do not lie or lead them to believe that you are only talking to them.
Honestly, I'm not sure how much you "owe" someone who you've never even met, but I do think that a degree of honestly and respect is appropriate. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 12:05:55 PM | msg 23 "... considering there are 2,999,999,999,999 women left to date. "
True enough, I suppose. But the majority of those are off-planet, my budget's limited, and I'm getting too old for travel -- maybe they'd come see me?.
'someone better' means after taking everything into consideration. To me, the only difficult decision is how to juggle your interest in two (or more) women at the same time. I'm referring to non-physical interest (but nonetheless an intimate intellectual exchange), as I couldn't imagine being physically involved with more than one at a time, even if I could keep up.
The simplest approach is to focus on one as the front runner, and compare all others to her. And, it's only fair that they know what level of interest you have in any others, after all, you have to live with yourself and the consequences.
At some point, you do have to choose one above all others, and make a final committment.
Would you wait until:
- just before you propose?
- just before your wedding?, or
- (shudder) sometime after?
I'd plan on waiting until just before proposing (either common-law cohabitation or legal marriage). | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 12:18:29 PM | This is the "getting to know you" stage that you're at, isn't it? Key is be honest with both of them. I'm big on the treating people with respect and dignity. If they both know and if they're not comfortable with the idea then it's only fair that they are given an option to interact with you or not. If you're only forming a friendships and the person is comfortable with that then you go on your merry way. Maybe they are doing the same thing...communicating with other men. This is a dating site. Communicate...effectively and respectfully.
Tiffi  | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 12:26:47 PM | | Because their seems interest online that doesn't mean the chemistry will be there when you meet in person. I think you are making life too difficult....just meet and date them both until you know for sure where your heart is. In the meantime don't lead either on to believing they are "The One" It doesn't mean you have to advertise you are dating other people just don't use all those terms of endearment giving one of them a false hope. If they ask then speak the truth but in a positive light. Dating is about finding out if a long term relationship will work...its not about making a commitment before the dating process begins. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 12:34:35 PM | I have difficulty being the bearer of bad news however this is my take. I think that is why it is called dating. Conversing on IM's and emails is great and even when you converse on the phone eveything sounds wonderful and everyone puts their best foot forward. You need to go out and see if there really is chemistry. Thank doesn't mean having sex as soon as you can because I think that can cloud up your judgement. Most guys brains are in their jeans and just because a gal is georgeous and sexy doesn't make her a great partner. I have had relationships that got physical too fast only to find the only thing in common was fantastic sex! Out side of the bedroom I saw a drinking problem, unmotivated and a bit os a slob! Three characteristics I don't see in a long term partner.
Once you have attended a few events or common interest dates you will know in your heart who will be the next companion. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 2:50:31 PM | at the risk of sounding very non-sweet,
"you do what you gotta do"
keep contact with both, meet them as quickly as possible, and make a decision as quickly as possible. also, do your best to keep things casual until you decide which person you would rather date. you can talk to more than one person, just don't be an ass about it.
and the fact that you are worried about being an ass in the first place, pretty much means you won't be one. ;)
best of luck | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 3:45:45 PM | Do you really think that people on this site only converse with one person and that's it. Internet dating has gotten to a whole new level. I for one would rather just get to know one person but when the other person is not doing the same then why should I put all my eggs in one basket.
Having conversations on the internet and even moving it to the phone and then actaully meeting is totally different.
There is nothing wrong with talking to and getting to know multiple people- thats what dating is about.
However if I do meet people and I really want to get to know them on a "relationship" level then I would hope they would stop communication with the others they have been chatting with which I would as well. BUT if they do not--- then they really don't want to know just me and are as well looking for something better.....
If I am not what you are looking for- then just move on- thats it!
Time is precious---- and it doesn't wait for anyone........... so all I ask is not to waste mine while trying to decide once we meet. Either you have the interest or you don't. | |
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daisie
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Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 44 | |
| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 3:54:22 PM | I can't believe this is a serous question. Good lord man, a few conversations with someone you've never even met certainly does not create any legal or moral agreement of monogamy. Sheeze...you're not even dating her!!
Just relax.....you are entitled to do WHATEVER you want to do...NO obligations to anyone. You DON'T even have to explain any of your extra activies to her at this point, you don't owe her an explanations. It should be common sense that you are BOTH free to chat with or date anyone you dang well feel like it.
Now...to be EXTRA nice, you might just bring that up ONE TIME in conversation just to make sure she's aware of this. You don't owe her that, but with as crazy jealous posessive as some people are.....kinda loonie....you might save yourself some future headaches to mention it ONE time now. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 3:58:35 PM | "you continue this cycle endlessly.....or you grow up!"
Brilliant sambucadawg!! Go ahead and dump #1 so that when #2 dumps you, we can read in another thread how all women are shallow. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 4:23:27 PM | Go ahead and dump #1 so that when #2 dumps you, we can read in another thread how all women are shallow.
I can't resist that one! Central to the question is consideration for the feelings of others. And my assumption is that many (if not all) people who use a dating site like PoF have at some time faced a similar quandary. Of course numbers 1 & 2 are likely to be communicating with others...and may in fact have assigned you a #1, #2, #3 (or worse) status.
What the question assumes is that one or both are seeing you as #1, and would (or at least might) be disappointed to see you "drop off the map" for no particular reason...and think, for example, that it was because of something they said, or the new photo they posted, or...a million other reasons, all of which tend to diminish their self-esteem.
Sure, its a dating site, so everyone should be prepared for a rocky road in that regard. But isn't it still reasonable to consider another's feelings...even if no commitment or promises have been made? If you are that kind of person (which the question assumes), the issue is how best to meet your own needs, while minimizing (if not eliminating) damage to another's feelings.
What I hoped to elicit here was a discussion about that kind of quandary, and get opinions (hopefully some based on experience) about how best to deal with it. It seems to be doing just that. Including your prognosis...which I, personally, wouldn't call a best case scenario :) | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 4:23:40 PM | Daisie - ascuteasabug - I couldn't agree with you both more!
If I'm not mistaken, the site is called Plenty of Fish - and since when do you pull your line out of the water when there's only been a couple of nibbles?
First, if anyone thinks - male or female - that someone is corresponding with you and you alone, the word is "naive." Unless you or your correspondent have expressly stated that they are in fact wanting exclusivity, then both sides to the discussion are actively checking their emails each time they log in, and they're always going to be aware that a bigger/shinier/faster/sexier/cuddlier (sp) fish could come along.
That's what fishing is all about, no? We're here because it's a great way to meet new people - and a lot of them! - much more easily than would normally be the case. Relax! Tell your correspondent that you're still receiving emails. Maybe that would force a decision on one or both of you!
And I'm looking for that new thread - "How all women are shallow" . . . . excellent! 
What a comeback! | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 4:24:00 PM | So, you like #1 and you have a lot in common.
Then #2 comes along and you're debating passing on #1 for #2.
And then #3 comes along... and #4... and #5. Where does it end?
"until you find out for sure if the new one is going to turn out the way you hope it will."
Always looking for "greener pastures"?
So, if you tell #1 you want to see #2, she might say "ok, so long", and you've lost #1.
And then #2 may not turn out the "way you hope it will"... then you've lost both.
Choices, choices. As long as you're a mature adult, you make your own choices and live with the consequences of those choices. Just remember if it all blows up in your face, don't expect pity in your "why are women so shallow" thread, because the choice, and consequences, are your own. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 4:33:51 PM | Adam, buddy!
Are you a therapist? Serious question, not meant as a jab . . . you are trying to analyze the dating game and trying to "not hurt someone" by keeping options open. I haven't been here that long, but certainly I've started some correspondences with some really great people, and I try to keep it simple.
Simple meaning that if there's the potential of something developing, say so and give her your personal email, suspend the account, and carry on! If you don't want to do that, then I would suspect that you're not really switched on by either! If you do switch it off for awhile, then the "temptation" factor is removed and you can focus on finding out whether you've found the one you were looking for!
Cheers! | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 4:42:58 PM |
What I hoped to elicit here was a discussion about that kind of quandary, and get opinions (hopefully some based on experience) about how best to deal with it. It seems to be doing just that. Including your prognosis...which I, personally, wouldn't call a best case scenario :)
Heh, of course, assuming here that you met her here on POF, she might very well be reading this thread, and decide for *herself* that its in her best interest not to continue talking to you (yeah, people *do* read the threads, obviously - my GF reads mine, and I hers  ). In which case, you've maybe lost your chance with #1 in the first place already.
And then, if #2 is on here as well, she may read this thread as well, and not be interested either afterwards. Hmm.
Sounds to me like you aren't that into #1, so yes, it probably is in her "best interest" for you to be nice about it and move on. Because, fact is, if you *were* that into her, you wouldn't still be looking, right? So I hope your "hopes" for #2 work out. But if not, thats life, don't whine about it. As I said, grown adults make choices, and live with the consequences of those choices. | |
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