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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 7:59:48 PM | First off, I find it *very sad* that one could compare a woman to the latest and greatest "toy" (ie, Playstation III vs. II). Is that all you are looking for, the latest shiniest "toy" in a woman??
No. I'm not looking at all.
you'll be that 65y/o guy looking at all the latest shinest (aka 20-something) y/o "toys", and guess what, they're gonna be out of your ability to get them at that age. And all the women your own age are going to see a guy thats dumped every relationship he's ever had for the "latest shiniest thing", and probably aren't going to be very intested either.
We can only pray that will be the case. If I can make it to my 60s single, God will have truly shined his/her/its face upon me with kindness.
One should *not* stay with someone who doesn't make them happy "just to avoid being alone", that *is* sad. On the flip side, someone who spends all their time looking for the "latest, shiniest, newest toy" isn't eventually going to be happy either.
I dunno about that. My current Playstation makes me happy. My new one is going to make me happier.
personally sitting in a room with a game console is, to me, a poor excuse as a substitute for true human companionship,
To each his own.
Truth is, for a lot of them, nothing will ever be "enough".
I'll agree with that. I am constantly seeking perfection. It works well for me.
He put weight in the "things" he defined a relationship as, the activities, rather than in the *person*.
Sorry, you kinda lost me on this one. Aren't the things we do a big part of who we are?
It does not speak to marriage as a whole.
Divorce rates don't lie
One might ask why *you* got married to someone who made you so miserable and lonely?
I'll bite. Once upon a time Prince Yam was among the blissfully ignorant who believed marriage was real - like the Easter Bunny - and that divorce was only something that happened to other people. Prince Yam met a wonderful woman who he loved very much. Prince Yam and his princess had many wonderful years togerther. Then Prince Yam decided to make the princess his queen and there wqas dancing ... yada, yada, yada ... the dancing ended.
Moral: Prince Yam learned that people change, the vows of marriage are meaningless and one other important life lesson - no one ... and I mean NO ONE ... can be trusted to have your best interests in mind other than yourself. The End. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 8:04:03 PM | Maybe the problem with the thread was in putting out a specific scenario. What the OP is really talking about are situations that have required you to make a decision about which individual to pursue. It's the ironic invitation scenario, you have nothing scheduled for three months and then when an invitation does arrive, two other commitments for the same day also materialize.
I didn't date much before I married but if I had not been seeing anyone for a few months, then started dating somebody, invariably I would meet someone or someone I already knew would suddenly show interest. Usually knowing little about both, you feel like you have to make a decision but what if you choose the wrong one?
I think that's what this is really about that you can potentially choose the wrong one and by the time you figure that out, the other one is already involved with someone else. It really doesn't matter whether you choose individual one or individual two. In the early stages it is difficult to tell but at some point you have to go with one or the other.
Some serial daters may merely be people too afraid of making the wrong choice, so they choose no one, and consequently never get more deeply involved with anyone. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/27/2007 8:11:26 PM | I believe that this is called; "Chasing Shiny".
It's great for a while, until the "shine" wears off. Then the search begins again and so goes this vicious circle/"game".
Of course, everyone is entitled to what they are looking for in a relationship but when people search for relationships as they were searching for real estate, there's going to be problems. People are NOT Objects. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 9:05:56 AM | | Yes and just a thought if you find this beachfront property that is so nice to look at what happens if she was doing the same with you? You change you get older. You may be in an accident heaven forbid and start to look more like the slum property that would have been cheaper and saved her money. I think its this type of mentality that keeps the divorce rate so high. You marry someone because you love thier heart. Because looks can change yours and thiers. In regards to the forum post the reason you date more than one and I mean in person is so that you will be able to recognize the right one when you find her and then hopefully you won't be looking for something better to come along. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 9:21:31 AM | | What the OP is referring to is communicating with women he's not even met yet. All he has to base a decision to meet or not is their profile, forum posts, if they have any and their emails/phone calls/IMs. At that point, most are still in the dreaded "shopping" mode, just looking around, haven't even made plans for a face to face. That's why I feel it's best to meet as soon as possible, establish whether there's any in person chemistry or not. When you're looking at profiles and emails only, you have no idea how close this person actually is as compared to their online persona. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 11:20:15 AM |
When you're looking at profiles and emails only, you have no idea how close this person actually is as compared to their online persona.
Exactly right!
No matter how starry eyed you may become as a result of photos and emails, all of that "manufactured compatibility" can turn to dust in an eye blink when you first meet in person. And the corollary is also true: While uninspiring photos and emails are much less likely to result in a meeting, there is always a possibility that, in person, the attraction might turn out be much greater than the photos and emails leading up to it would suggest.
The rational objective of communicating online is to discover qualities and interests that are mutually attractive. Sometimes, and for some people, that can be accomplished by simply looking at each other's profile and online photos. Then, the only email exchange needed is to establish when and where to meet. But usually "mutual" attraction is not that simple, and often requires more communication...sometimes quite a bit more...before both reach the same level of interest in meeting in person. Of course that is especially true if distance is a major factor.
Although the original question implies the "greener grass" syndrome, it is really more about the broader question of "online" protocol. In other words, how does one pursue their own (apparent) self-interest, without *unnecessarily* hurting someone's feelings, and/or *unnecessarily* burning bridges in the process. For obvious reasons (the OP being male, for example), the question seems to antagonize an already volatile gender issue. But the question could have just as easily been posted by a female. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 11:38:06 AM | ^^ Well then, you have your answer, eh?
You can't have it both ways. You are a consumer, wandering the isles. If you don't know what you are looking for, or you suspect the packaging says little about the product, then you do some digging.
There is no way you can protect your interest in this person from their being removed from your potential grasp by another while you are pondering the intangibles.
It doesn't work that way here. You find someone who interests you AND you happen to live nearby, you can meet and ascertain compatibility and truth in advertising.
You have no future rights to them. There is no 'hurting' others if you make it plain that you are in an investigation-phase, evaluation for potential pair compatibility.
If you establish friendship, it will be through mutual interest for friendship. If there is insufficient match for deeper bonding, that person may well jettison you as a friend, because you are also a drain on scant resources.
That is, unless they are just here for friends and nothing more. And that would be counter to your reasons for contacting them in the first place, right Adam? | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 2:09:16 PM | If you establish friendship, it will be through mutual interest for friendship. If there is insufficient match for deeper bonding, that person may well jettison you as a friend, because you are also a drain on scant resources.
Quite true. But isn't that always a possibility...no matter how long friends, or how it may have evolved? We are all, to each other, expendable...at least within the context of putting, and/or advancing one's self-interest above all else.
...unless they are just here for friends and nothing more. And that would be counter to your reasons for contacting them in the first place...
Not really. We may not have cultivated a friendship, for example, but you are exactly one of the reasons I'm here. I enjoy and often find considerable resonance in much of what you think and say. In a similar way, I enjoy and benefit from others who contribute to the forums, as well as from correspondence I have (or have had) as a result of 'connections' made on this site. If something more were to evolve as a result...much like you've implied in your profile...that would be a welcome event. But that is not...by any stretch...a precondition, much less a conscious expectation. Sometimes, I think, "expectations doth make fools of us all." :) | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 2:29:08 PM | | singleguy64 really got my point. What people forget when they are looking for that "perfect 10" is that time is marching on and they are getting older too. There are "Peter Pans" out there who even though they are 67 still see themselves as being 25. These men can be found everywhere. At some point they failed to take a reality check. I'm not saying one should be content with bad marriages/relationships. What I am saying is that many nice people are being passed over because they are an 8 instead of a 10. But who wants a "perfect 10" anyway? because no one like that exists. Always looking for someone better is really an avoidance of intimacy issue to begin with that requires therapy. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 2:35:35 PM | | arent we all looking to upgrade? i can be happy with who i am with, but i always and looking for better. that won't stop until i end up with elin grindemyr. it is not good to settle guys! | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 2:48:36 PM | | johnnynoname, the 67 year old was also a businessman like yourself and extremely successful financially. He has the same mentality that you (and probably all businessmen have) - constant upgrade. That idea may work well in business but it is a recipe for failure in one's personal life. Just ask Donald Trump who I believe has upgraded 3 or 4 times now. His women don't get better they only get younger. | |
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M2k7
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Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 87 | |
| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 2:53:03 PM | | Well, there is nothing wrong with meeting both people. You're just having an online correspondance. Why not find out if either has real-world chemistry and go from there. Neither may have it. You won't know until you find out. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 4:37:55 PM |
many nice people are being passed over because they are an 8 instead of a 10.
Actually, anakris, I like to think of it more like the judges at the olypics (or some other event) holding up their cards with the scores. Sure, that guy skiied down the hill in 36.8 seconds, had good form, but hit one of the poles on the way down. 8.7, 9.2, 7.8, 8.3. Everyone rates that person differently based on their own opinions.
Now, reality is, I'm a bad skiier. Put me on there, 1.2, 2.1, 1.8, 1.7. 
But now, put me in a room with them and a bunch of female judges, looking for personality, I might rate an 8.7 average and he might be a 6.2. (ok, I said *might* ).
People tend to judge based on various aspects of other people. Looks, personality, intelligence, etc. So one rates the person on various aspects of them, and then has to also judge which of those carries more weight (ie, in skiiing, does someone who does a great downhill slalom, and sucks jumping ridges, rate the same as someone who is maybe less adept at downhill but flawlessly made every jump?). Those things are different for everyone. If a woman rates a "perfect 10" in looks, but has no personality as is dumber than a doorknob, she probably rates (to me) below a woman who is a "7" in looks, but is highly intelligent and has a great personality. (god, I sound like the e-harmony add, "the 37 aspects of compatibility"  LOL). Some people will spend their lives looking for that "perfect 10" on *every* "rating"... just look at the olympics, the rarity of those people makes it highly unlikely you'll ever find one.
women are toys? they are more like when you buy land or property. you could buy the slum downtown. sure it might make you money, but wouldnt you rather have something beachfront? i mean you have to look at it ALL the time. so why get something run down when you can get something that you like to see.
Ok, johnnynoname, now I take the above and your comment and give you a choice. You are ready to settle down and buy that "house". But the reality is, the beachfront house is more exposed to the salty air and weather, so its kinda run down (but a really nice view/location, small 1200sq ft, and $500K because its on the waterfront). There's another beachfront house thats really nice, 3500 sq ft, but its expensive ($1.7mil) and will strap you for money (and still exposed to more weather, so will probably need more maintenance). The house in the bad neighborhood is really a really gorgeous house, inside and out, and reasonably cheap (say $250K), but its not in a great area. Or, there's a decent house, affordable ($300K), is in a good area, isn't everything you want but its *most* of what you are looking for, and has enough space.
Which do you choose? Because, the reality is, none of them is *everything* you want (ie, cost/size/location/"dream house"). Thats the *reality* of house shopping, and the reality of dating too.
Like when I was house shopping (15+yrs ago), the *first* house I looked at was almost perfect, decent location to commute, fairly good condition (would've needed a new roof in a few years, but I could have slid for 5 years), all I wanted inside, the only downside was it was on a semi-busy road - and I had 2 cats (outdoor) so that was a detraction (and it was the first one I looked at, so I decided to keep looking). But, after looking at another 10+ houses, I realized that the first house was the best I'd seen, unfortunately by then it had already had an offer on it ("she" was taken). So I kept looking, and found another house, about the same size although not quite everything I wanted in the house (the first one was), nice quiet location (good for the cats, dead-end street), even better location than the first for resale, and needed zero work (new roof 3 months before, new deck 2 months before, they'd fixed it up to sell).
I weighed what I'd seen prior vs. this house, and decided that the good points (better location than the 1st - for resale, more/nicer property, even *closer* to work at the time, several new repairs that meant years of virtually no maintenance ($$)), outweighed that it wasn't "everything" I wanted... it was pretty damn close.
Now, I could have *kept* shopping for something in my price range (affordability), that was "everything" I wanted. But I had also seen enough to know (having seen what was out there) that I might still be here, 15 years later, looking for the "perfect 10" house.
Several years later some friends of mine bought a house, personally I loved it (nicer than mine, although more expensive), but the electric heat cost them $800/mo the first winter.. the vaulted ceilings (gorgeous inside) are horrible for heating, the skylights leaked... absolutely *beautiful* house (if all you are interested in is looks), but it had a *ton* of issues they didn't consider before they bought it.
My GF isn't the "perfect 10" in sheer looks (sorry dear, ), nor am I, neither of us are going to be modeling for the swimsuit catalogs this year. But she has a wonderful personality, she's intelligent, we share a lot of interests in common, and she's far more "grounded" in reality than most of them women I've dated in the past, and I think we have the best communication I've had in any relationship so far.
So if you are looking for the "perfect 10" in every way to hang on your arm, good luck (or that "perfect 10" house that is everything you ever wanted). Reality is, the house is gonna need maintenance, the relationship is going to need work, and the reality of Anakris's 67y/o example is that he set his goals on "perfection" without realizing that every relationship (house) is about compromise and being willing to *work* to maintain it and make it what you want (and in a relationship, that takes *two*). | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 4:59:20 PM | | Thank you singleguy64 for understanding my post. My 67y/o example looked for perfection in the other person for so long that now life has played a trick on him. He is the one who due to aging and bitterness and anger at not finding "Ms Perfect" is the one who has become "imperfect". He can no longer dance (needs 2 knee replacements) and has himself become anti-social due to depression. This could easily be an episode on the Twilight Zone. There are sometimes no second chances to develop the things that make for a happy life! I have once heard it said that "life is what happens to a person while they're making other plans". | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 5:53:37 PM |
The grass is greener scenario..The price you pay for juggling more than one woman. I fail to understand why , when you've met someone that you click with and want to get to know, that a man or woman still keeps seeking that greener grass...Perhaps this is why so many people are miserable, alone and always breaking up and hurting one another..Despite popular opinion, it's not about hurting people and when you can't even committ to talking to a woman that had your interest and peeked your curiosity, then it's not saying alot about your ability to remain faithful if you meet the greener grass lady ..
AMEN! I think this is called "failure to commit". There's probably ALWAYS going to be the possibility of someone else coming along. OR, this is just a person who isn't really interested in anything more than online relationships in the first place. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 6:09:52 PM | Personally, I would tell the OP to let #1 go... because *she* deserves better than someone who can't make their mind up and obviously isn't "that into her".
As to the OP's comment above:
"In other words, how does one pursue their own (apparent) self-interest, without *unnecessarily* hurting someone's feelings, and/or *unnecessarily* burning bridges in the process."
The answer to that is easy. Honesty. You tell them you don't think they are what you are really looking for, that you don't want to hurt their feelings, but you think you both should move on. Realize, of course, that even if *you* try not to "burn the bridge", she may very well burn it behind her as she walks away. But thats her choice, just like its your choice to look elsewhere. As long as you are willing to accept the consequences of your choice, like any grown adult should, then the outcome is what it will be. | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 6:40:57 PM | I think dating more than one person is fine.... in the initial stages, before you go to bed with them. Once you are intimate with someone, then it is an exclusive thing.... for both physical health (STDs) and emotional health. Why emotional health?... because if you don't truly focus on making a relationship work, you lose the skills, and end up becoming very emotionally unavailable. You have to learn how to focus on one person..... ever watch someone talk on their cell while they drive?... they are usually lousy drivers because they aren't focusing on either job... same thing with the "grass is greener complex."...... you end up being a lousy partner to both people. I have met so many people who bounce from one short fling to the next, and they have calluses on their heart.... so many walls, a Roman army couldn't get through. They say they want love, and they truly mean it, but they have no idea how to get it, or if love does happen to come knocking on their door, they don't know how to maintain the relationship.... they lost the skills.
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 6:57:32 PM | | This is a tough one because it is so easy to find someone new on a site such as this. If I find a good click, I tend to just check my emails without much interest to see where it wil go, however, if he continues to frequent the site, then I know it's not going anywhere because one shouldn't have to keep looking if they find someone. It takes time for a relationship to grow but if you don't nourish and keep looking for the next best thing, 9 out of 10 times when the next best thing doesn't work out, you wind up wishing you hadn't blown off the other. We all reap what we sew! lol | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 7:31:22 PM | I didn't read entirely through the posts, but will toss in my cents nonetheless!
How do you get to the point of thinking that someone else is better than what you have, and not going too deeply than you should when involved with someone?
Point being, there is no way of knowing or even thinking that someone new is definitely better unless you've delved pretty far into things with them. Thus, you're robbing your relationship by "cheating" the one you're with.
You can't get that far into knowing someone new unless you're not commiting all that you should to the one you're with.
You may hope the new is better. But you can't possibly know for sure.
So what do you do? You live your life with the choices that you make. And hope the regrets don't outweigh the benefits.
Are you going to continually "upgrade" partners, whenever a whim hits ya? So much for commitment!
When it's your turn to be dumped, because your partner found someone better, will you feel all is fair?
Also, with such an attitude towards low faith, the other partner will sense that underlying "flaw" within you, and the sinking will have begun well before a ship has sailed.
good luck.
-sb | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 9:03:14 PM |
When it's your turn to be dumped, because your partner found someone better, will you feel all is fair?
Good point soulbane. I wonder how he'd feel when he drops #1 for #2, and then #2 comes back and says "I've met someone I'm more interested in". | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 9:13:24 PM | | be upfront... if #2 doesnt work out then #1 will think your so great because of the honesty.. If men would just understand we love honesty.. (so do men) and we normally think its great that they were so honest... just be honest!!!! | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 9:30:13 PM | Wow
Lots of heat on this one!
If I say I'm looking to date then I'm looking to date, and that starts with friendship which starts with a mutual attraction of some kind. I don't make loyalty commitments to friends that involve no having OTHER friends of their gender. Why would I?
Have I led person number one to believe that they are the most special of all my friends and have some sort of lead in the 'date to mate' race? Then I have painted myself into a corner for sure. If not I am free to meet and talk to and date whomever I wish and nobody should have their feelings hurt.
That usually happens to ME when I have read into a man's comments or behaviors what *I* want to see - that I am the most special of all and really did HE say that? OOPS. If the friendship is going to evolve into romance and the romance is going to be more than a sexual fling, well then it is time to be very very sure that number one clearly understood that this was a friendship or dating only relationship.
Good question, I've been in just that sort of quandry all week. Waiting for that lovely quiet one out in the distance to come closer and wondering about the closer one who wants it all right now.
Thanks OP | |
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| What do you do when someone better comes along?
Posted: 1/28/2007 9:49:14 PM | OP, you're just still talking to both ladies, right? #1 seemed good, but only until #2 came onto the scene. - Then you should let #1 go find someone else to chat with. If #1 is still interesting, while you're talking to #1 & #2 simultaniously, then you should go ahead and meet #1. Sometimes an email connection doesn't carry-over to real life. You may not 'connect'. Then, you'll be able to meet #2 with a clear concience. If you meet #1 and you guys really hit it off, then you need to decide if it's worth meeting #2 or not.
As long as you're open and honest with both ladies about your correspondence with others, and that none of it has gotten serious, then no one should be getting hurt. Some people new to internet dating may feel a 'sting' - but if you've been completely upfront with them, then once they've had time to ruminate on it, they'll realize that it certainly wasn't done on purpose, and that they may be taking it too much to heart. Sometimes people just don't 'mesh'. They will understand, and have more than likely had gentlemen that they've gone thru this with themselves. Just be honest. Don't mislead anyone. That's where the hurt feelings come into play. JMO. | |
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