Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Males disapproving of women having male friends      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 judythecuety
Joined: 2/2/2006
Msg: 51
view profile
History
Males disapproving of women having male friendsPage 3 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
What many of you have is not "friendship", it's a "quenue" Just a line of guys waiting for a shot at getting you into bed.

My best friend is male and we have seen each other thru moves,,and deaths and I was his friend all thru him meeting and marrying his spouse. We are still friends and I am now friends with his wife as well...If he has been waiting around for 15 years to jump my bones he has a funny way of showing it. When he was single we both knew we weren't suited to each other "that way" and the friendship meant more than a passing thing we could have had..It's called maturity. There can be a grey area where one or the other develops feelings..And if you offer a man sex and he cares for you he might think.."maybe we should try"..I don;t think that means he was never a friend bcz he would consider taking it to the "next level".

You are very liimitted and I feel sorry for you.

Do you even have a male friend? If not it's probabaly bcz you can only see them as possible
sexual realtionships..and if they don't turn you on you don't bother with them. Some of us can relate to men on another plane.
 Blueyez36
Joined: 2/19/2006
Msg: 52
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 10:08:13 AM
It goes both ways,try telling a guy to give up his lifelong female friends,lol,When I am in a relationship with someone,I put my trust in that person,unless they give me reason not to.So,if you are trustful of that person and they are of you,then having friends of the opposite sex shouldnt be a problem....
 grifone
Joined: 12/10/2006
Msg: 53
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 11:32:23 AM
TheDancingQueen is completely right. And I think that most women won't take on her test simply because they know already what the result will be, so it's not much of a test.

I learned this important lesson about women a short time ago. I also became aware of my own attitude with my female friends - and I've traditionally had LOTS of them. The brutal truth is that I honestly wanted to have sex with each and every single one of them. And even though I never hit on most of them, mark my words if there were an opportunity that presented itself (which never did), I would have seized it without hesitation!

And it is precisely for this fact that I don't cultivate any more female friendships. I wasn't being honest with them about my expectations, and they weren't being honest with me, since they already KNEW my expecations and didn't much care ... in fact, they felt an ego boost!

But in my experience, there are 2 kinds of exceptions to my "no female friends" rule, and thus I cultivate 2 types of female friends:

1) Women that live far away from me, such as my friends in Italy, Finland, England, Germany, Spain and those living in Canada, but outside of my province. With these women, distance takes away a lot from my attraction to them, so I can still be honest and straightforward without getting sexy thoughts in my head (at least, not getting any sexy thoughts that aren't quickly overshadowed by the ACTUAL women I interact with face-to-face);

-AND-

2) women that I have absolutely no sexual attraction to at all. People who basically have nothing that I could desire physically, even with the lights off.

Every other woman that I'm NOT dating falls under the "acquaintance" category. They are either "untouchables" (like girlfriends-of-friends, or my boss), or "potentials" (like coworkers, or friends-of-friends, women I meet online or at the disco, etc).

Regardless, I never let myself get too close to these women, I never tell them my problems, and I certainly do not accept it when they try to unload theirs onto me. I simply try to have fun, build chemistry, and if it works out they get upgraded to the dating category. Otherwise, I send them on their way and look for new potentials.

And I know a lot of people find this heartless, but it's actually a sign of great respect for your fellow human being. It's morally wrong to have alterior motives when dealing with people, so if my motives can't be satisfyed with them, I see no reason in wasting both of our time pursuing something that will leave one of us unfulfilled.
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 54
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 1:04:44 PM
Hmm I don't really have issues with women having male friends.

I look at this issue from the perspective of both genders; let's consider men with female friends. Let's just think about friends irregardless of gender.

Only issues I have with my partner's friendships when I'm in a relationship are:
1. all friends are of the opposite gender, no friends of the same gender
2. prefers to spend spare time with friends irregardless of those friends' gender
3. does not ever include or invite me to go out with those friends

The first issue is the stickiest one to explain; it's just my opinion that it isn't normal to have NO like-gender friends. I just think that's strange--a woman like this probably wouldn't be my long-term love interest. Just my opinion that somebody like this has got issues and is more likely to be hooking up for FWBs (fwibbies) with their friends.

Also, the DancingQueen litmus test of getting naked with your opposite gender friends; it's probably true that the guys would get it on with their hot female friends moreso than if the shoes were on the other feet, so to speak. But I'm sure there would be lots of women wanting to get it on with their hot male friends if encouraged to do so.
 pearl13
Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 55
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 1:41:46 PM
Test it.

Invite a guy over and take off your clothes.

Let's see how long that "friendship" lasts." I don't "test" my friends. If you want to think with your groin, that's you're choice, I don't choose to. If this is your test, I can tell you, you'll have LOTS of male friends, sadly not likely any who'll be around long.


Great answer, bucsgirl!
I don't think with my groin, and neither do my male friends.... and neither does my partner... he has female friends too.
I don't "test" my female friends, why would I single out my male friends? I don't judge people based on the colour of their skin, their religion, their sexual orientation, etc., ..... so why would I judge them based on their gender?

 spauls49
Joined: 12/16/2005
Msg: 56
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 1:51:40 PM
I've known my friends for 15 years more or less....if my friends do not like the girl i am with ...I listen...even if she likes them...it is always about friends...you get to a point where (and if you have true friends - when they become more than family) you know these peopel will never leave you, and there is no gaurantee like that with any person you date.....for me If my gf did not want me to hang out with my friends...I'd dump her ass.
I believe it should be the same for a woman who's with a man pretentious enough to think he has the right to control her.
 ravageplay
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 57
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 2:09:24 PM
I'm all for women having male friends. I'm male and love it. There is nothing quite as enjoyable as providing sexual satisfactin for a woman that is married or in a relationship.
 sweetdaisy75
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 58
view profile
History
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 2:50:38 PM
I think if it really bothers the person you love, why are you doing it? I mean if it going to break you apart for me to have that friend it not worth it. I believe you need to give a little and why is it such a big deal. If it makes him insecure. Its my job to make you happy and secure and vice versa. Friends come and go love is suppose to be forever. I don't think your friends should ever get involved in your relationship. They don't know how it is and only have one side of it. The relationship is what is really important
 mdiamond
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 59
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 3:03:37 PM
I have alot of male friends...though most of them are guys that I have dated or almost dated. That is something the new man would have to figure out, I guess...whether he will be jealous and intrusive or realize that he holds the cards as my man. Depends on his level of self esteem, I guess, and I wouldn't date a guy who didn't have one anyway. ;)
 jannick06
Joined: 1/25/2007
Msg: 60
view profile
History
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 3:04:11 PM
I agree with spauls friends become like family
you wouldnt sleep with a family member that would be gross lol
 lypiphera
Joined: 1/8/2007
Msg: 61
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 3:47:32 PM
What is with this assumption that just because someone wants to sleep with you, they can't be your friend? So what if my male friends want to sleep with me? They've also proven that they want to be there for me, time and time again. And I do the same for them. A guy would get antsy sitting around for years waiting for a girl to finally decide, "YES! You can f*ck me now!" Obviously they get more out of the friendship than the anticipation of sex.

According to the logic that a man can't be a woman's friend if he wants to have sex with her... boyfriends, husbands, etc. could not be considered a woman's friend. That's just sad.
 TheDancingQueen
Joined: 11/11/2006
Msg: 62
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 4:25:46 PM

What is with this assumption that just because someone wants to sleep with you, they can't be your friend? So what if my male friends want to sleep with me?


In my opinion, that's just selfish. Some of those men probably have feelings for you and some might even be waiting, years even, for their shot.

If you were a real friend, and you accepted that some of them had feelings for you, real feelings, you'd set them free. Free to keep on moving and look for someone else.

What if the situation was reversed? What if you really had feelings for a man and he just kept you as a "friend"? He knew you had feelings but he just kept you around to vent his problems and give him some attention? Wouldn't you rather have him just set you free if he was never going to be interested in you?

What's sad is when you hurt people by the things you don't do as much as the things you do do.
 gothygeek
Joined: 8/13/2005
Msg: 63
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 4:48:56 PM
In my opinion, that's just selfish. Some of those men probably have feelings for you and some might even be waiting, years even, for their shot.


If you were a real friend, and you accepted that some of them had feelings for you, real feelings, you'd set them free. Free to keep on moving and look for someone else.


There's this little thing. You might have heard of it. It's called free will. When you've told someone that you are just friends it's up to THEM to decide what they want to do. If they want to imagine a relationship where there is one (and when they've been told there isn't one) it's THEIR bad. They'd also be the one being dishonest because they've expressed that they want a friendship when clearly they aren't capable of having one. It's not only dishonest but it's also pathetic and creepy. Frankly, I don't understand why more men aren't rightly pissed off that that it's being implied that they can't POSSIBLY control themselves and that they're too stupid to know when they are being manipulated because they only think with the little head. It's insulting and demeaning to men.


What if the situation was reversed? What if you really had feelings for a man and he just kept you as a "friend"? He knew you had feelings but he just kept you around to vent his problems and give him some attention? Wouldn't you rather have him just set you free if he was never going to be interested in you?


That would CLEARLY be MY responsibility; wouldn't it? Other people don't treat you badly if you don't allow them to. Then again; I don't blame other people for things that are my fault. Silly me for taking personal responsibility for my actions and behavior.


What's sad is when you hurt people by the things you don't do as much as the things you do do.


No, what's sad is when women treat men like they are such fragile little things that need their ego constantly protected or are SO very driven by their sex drive that they can't control themselves around all the meeny womens that take advantage of them !!!111oneelevently!!11.

I happen to have considerably more faith in men than that.
 TheDancingQueen
Joined: 11/11/2006
Msg: 64
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 4:59:44 PM

If they want to imagine a relationship where there is one (and when they've been told there isn't one) it's THEIR bad. They'd also be the one being dishonest because they've expressed that they want a friendship when clearly they aren't capable of having one.


Yes, this all sounds like a model "friendship" to me.

I have never told a guy that "I just want to be friends" Because I believe men and women cannot be friends.

But I have heard it countless times from girls I work with and girls I went to school with and girls I know to guys who they just shot down. Men rarely ask for "friendship" as the consolation prize, it's mostly women who do it. Except the women don't want "friendship" either, they just want the attention. They want someone there as a crutch when the men they are really willing to sleep with and date bail on them.

I'm also a little disturbed at the notion that it's ok to hurt someone and know you are hurting them because they might not have enough life experience, or emotional maturity or perspective to protect themselves. Sorry if I don't believe it's ok to hurt people because you can and the opportunity presents itself in front of you.

Real "friends" don't string people along because they can get away with it.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 65
view profile
History
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 5:00:05 PM
Wow, do I wish some of my guy friends were on here. They'd be laughing themselves silly.
Clearly there are two types of people who make opposite sex friends. Those who expect that they're only doing it to get a chance to screw someday, possibly, maybe. And those who just think of them as another human being they enjoy the company of, who have no hidden agenda other than friendship.
Lord knows, there's been tons of threads asking can women and men be friends without sex. Some say yes, some say no. Not everyone lives their lives the same, acts the same or thinks the same. Two completely different mindsets, two viewpoints and two modes of conduct. As they say, and never the twain shall meet.
 Sierrasman
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 66
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 5:02:36 PM
Bucsgirl is my friend, but I know she and Sasquatch are a couple. I'm happy for both of them!

I have lots of women friends who have never been anything more than a friend. A guy who used to work for me thought that women were just good for "one thing". Guess that explains why he was married and divorced four times. Maybe five if he married that Russian woman he knew. And why so many women hated him!
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 67
view profile
History
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 5:10:03 PM
Thanks sierrasman.
Funny I've never had a man act or say he was somehow "hurt" by being my friend, quite the opposite, actually. I don't say I want to be friends to someone I have absolutely no interest in.
There are people who can't have friends of the opposite sex without the element of sex playing a part in that. I'm NOT one of those, never have been, never will be.
I lost a dear male friend a few years ago, it was devastating. I loved that man dearly, he told people all the time, I love this woman. It was PURELY platonic, he was like family to me, adored my children and they loved him, too. He enriched our lives and we enriched his. That CAN happen without sex every playing a part in it or even entering someone's mind. Just apparently not with everyone. My sweetie's the same way, guess that's why for us it's a non-issue.
 SisterHavana
Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 68
view profile
History
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 5:13:12 PM
Any man who has issues with my having male friends is not a man I want to date. I've been friends with many of my guy friends for well over 10 years. Friends are friends, no matter what gender they are.
 lypiphera
Joined: 1/8/2007
Msg: 69
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 5:15:08 PM

In my opinion, that's just selfish. Some of those men probably have feelings for you and some might even be waiting, years even, for their shot.

If you were a real friend, and you accepted that some of them had feelings for you, real feelings, you'd set them free. Free to keep on moving and look for someone else.

What if the situation was reversed? What if you really had feelings for a man and he just kept you as a "friend"? He knew you had feelings but he just kept you around to vent his problems and give him some attention? Wouldn't you rather have him just set you free if he was never going to be interested in you?

What's sad is when you hurt people by the things you don't do as much as the things you do do.


YEARS? Seriously, men... how many of you have ever waited years for a woman? Take into consideration that some of my male friends have been in my life for more than a decade.

Horniness doesn't equate to romantic feelings. Men's bodies have a natural reaction to attractive females, and vice versa. What their bodies are telling them to do may have nothing to do with their emotional state. As is the case with my friends, in regards to me. I really don't know how else to explain it to you, Dancing. You seem to have a complete unwillingness to consider the possibility of a separation between sexuality and emotion.
 gothygeek
Joined: 8/13/2005
Msg: 70
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 7:05:42 PM

I have never told a guy that "I just want to be friends" Because I believe men and women cannot be friends.


Wow. Why do I have the feeling you also feel women don't make good friends because "They're all jealous and think I'm going to steal their boyfriends"?

Oh well, I guess like attracts like. If you have the attitude that men and women can't be friends it's hardly surprising that you'd attract men that have the same attitude. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophesy, eh?


But I have heard it countless times from girls I work with and girls I went to school with and girls I know to guys who they just shot down. Men rarely ask for "friendship" as the consolation prize, it's mostly women who do it. Except the women don't want "friendship" either, they just want the attention. They want someone there as a crutch when the men they are really willing to sleep with and date bail on them.


Uh, did it ever cross your mind that it might be the people *you* choose to surround yourself with? No, of course not; that would require thinking outside of your own very small world.

It's funny; I've managed to maintain friendships with both men and women the entirety of my life.


I'm also a little disturbed at the notion that it's ok to hurt someone and know you are hurting them because they might not have enough life experience, or emotional maturity or perspective to protect themselves. Sorry if I don't believe it's ok to hurt people because you can and the opportunity presents itself in front of you.


And I'm sorry you can't seem to have more faith in men.

Also, age isn't an excuse and lack of life experiences. You do realize that if you are going to take the "life experience" and "emotional maturity" stance that it could conceivably be applied to invalidate your argument due to your age, yes?

In addition, I'll remind you that *you* are the one that's incapable of maintaining friendships with men. I don't have that issue. I can honestly say that I've managed to go through life with the credo of "do no harm". Somehow I doubt that you can say the same.

lypiphera; excellent post. It's interesting you and dancing are the same age. Even more interesting is the fact that you are slightly older than my daughter (who also has no problem with maintaining male and female friendships). Funny that.
 WonkaBar
Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 71
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 8:04:29 PM
What I think is interesting is that not one of the women who object to the Queen's test has actually denied that any of their male friends would sleep with them of the offer were made. They're just objecting to the idea that they should "test" their friends - which I agree is a bit underhanded.

That's her point, methinks; that even though most guys are happy to "just" be your friend, they'd take it to the next level if the opportunity arose.

I agree with her. I *also* agree with lypiphera, though, because I feel that you have to be able to be close friends with someone in order to be their lover. Good friends make the best lovers, because of how in tune you are with one another. Why wouldn't you find someone you cared about attractive?

Personally, I can't be "just" friends with women I'm attracted to, because there'll always be that feeling of "you can't have this" running through the back of my mind, and it's a tease I don't really want.
 Just_Another_Gurl
Joined: 3/27/2006
Msg: 72
view profile
History
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/30/2007 11:22:22 PM
"BUT....it is not an issue of putting friends in FRONT of the partner, it is to put friends WITH your partner.....a true blue friend and/or a partner who loves me totally will never make me chose one over the other. "

I could not have said that better myself. I have always maintained that the one you love should be a person who SHARES your life and joins with you to enhance your future, not a person who displaces the one you were and that you MUST sacrifice for to have them.

If I never slept with my guy friends before I got hooked up, why would I start now? Most of my male friends are my friends because that interest was not there to begin with and so they truly did become my friends. Not all men are after what is inside a chicks pants no matter what the stereotypes may say.

Ninety nine percent of my friends (male AND female) have been in my life for not just months but for YEARS. Why would I sacrifice those people out of my life just because a new person shows up. My friends welcome a newbie with open arms because that is the type of people they are. I feel my mate should be able to do the same. Of course there are always exceptions to this rule but I know that as a friend I would not be able to put aside my hurt at being tossed aside for a new mate in my friends life as that is not something that a true friend would do. I am not dispensable and neither are my feelings.
 vampire_darc
Joined: 4/1/2006
Msg: 73
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/31/2007 12:02:01 AM
Oh I don't know about this one... I have mixed feelings about it...

I've had a couple of female friends since college. The first one I was VERY attracted to (right from the first moment I laid eyes on her) and the second, well remotely, and I'm positive she was too, but we never did anything together, mainly because I was (in love?) with the first girl.

When I was 19 I met an 18 year old girl. From the very first moment I laid eyes on her, I knew she was something special. When I later found out she was married, I was a little dissapointed, but deep inside I knew I had to call it quits, but she persisted on getting to know me better. Avoiding her was difficult, if not impossible because we had class together 5 days a week. I guess we were "friends", but deep inside I wanted more; well, she did too, because we had our first kiss together 8 months later... (ironically, this was the very FIRST kiss I had ever had in my entire life LOL!) Damn I couldn't control myself, but she asked me (if she could kiss me); not the other way around...

And... NO! I did NOT sleep with her! She offered herself to me once, but she told me that she could never see me again after that. Well, my love for her was genuine, and I didn't want to jeapordize that for a couple hours of pure lust. I must admit, that I had hoped that she would eventually divorce her husband and come to me, but it never happened. I'm over it though, and we haven't spoken to each other since 2003. I later found out that she had a kid (with her husband)... I feel happy for her though. Do I still love her? Yes, but I've moved on since then. Does she still (did she ever?) love me? I guess I will never know.

Do I disapprove my woman having male friends? Not exactly, I'm confident that I'll always be Alpha Male to her (she did choose me after all!). I'd only make it an issue if she kept on making new male "friends" (that are not gay) though... New male "friends", how very suspicious...

Do I have any female friends of my own? Sort of... (I regularly exchange email with a woman who lives in NY. I've never spoken to her outside of the internet, and sure, I think she's very beautiful, but I have absolutely NO attraction to her whatsoever.)

Do I want a female friend in real life? Not really; I'm sure that having a female friend would not be entirely impossible, assuming I wasn't physically attracted to her from the start.
 sushisake
Joined: 1/22/2007
Msg: 74
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/31/2007 8:51:52 AM
I have read all the people's post's on this subject, quite some different opinions, some opinions I'm not sure of their true motives though. I was thinking if you were aware that this situation would cause a deep conflict would you conceal your relationship with the opposite sex and leave the burden of proof to your partner, I'm not exactly sure that I will read honest post to that, it might just be incriminating to say yes I would.
 Billbutler8
Joined: 3/12/2005
Msg: 75
view profile
History
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 1/31/2007 10:05:04 AM

I personally don't understand why it would be necessary to have male friends in the first place, my reasoning of have friends is having people to socialize with because you don't have a partner to spend time with isn't that fact or I could be wrong.

It gives me a headache to think of a life as you describe here. How unbalanced and despicable. Unbalanced because every......wait! - stop. One could write a book about why what you propose is unhealthy. Despicable: I can't imagine telling my girlfriend/wife/ significant other they can't be friends with whomever. Especially established friendships that are meaningful. I had to read this post a couple times over and I still cannot believe what I see. dang!





I was thinking if you were aware that this situation would cause a deep conflict would you conceal your relationship with the opposite sex and leave the burden of proof to your partner, I'm not exactly sure that I will read honest post to that, it might just be incriminating to say yes I would.

and this gobbly goop is indecipherable ...what exactly is your point here...?
alas! what are you even saying...you need to clarify!
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Males disapproving of women having male friends