| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/4/2007 10:56:22 PM | | Yea, [MEN dont take advice]; I know im a MAN! forget counselling, I'm a MAN and my pride wouldn't allow that shit either. Try making it FUN, all the suduction ans (sex) material I've read was fun and exciting, and I had a ball implementing what I've learned (I think I know all women) I'ts alot of fun, interesting (sex) games I have in my closet which you could go buy. Point is put on some ligerie or (nudity) for that case and surprise him with a challenge. [Quite dating losers]. | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/4/2007 10:56:34 PM | Missie your recent post is definately confusing.
If now that you are married nothing matters to him.... He is lying about where he is.... he quit caring....
If this is the case and you have tried to communicate with him.... and he doesn't care why do you think he would cry? It sounds like he doesn't give a shyt... right?
So sit him down and let him know that his behavior is not what you signed up for! That he either needs to behave like a husband and work on your marraige or ya'll are getting a divorce. It takes two to make a relationship work.... and it takes two to ruin it... | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/4/2007 10:57:41 PM | | I have had this account for almost 5 years now. I made a lot of friends on here and still talked to them through the emails on here, (they were women that I had met in the chat room that they used to have on here) Thats why my account stayed open. I got on the forums before and asked for advice so I thought that it would be ok to do it again. I dont understand why that has anything to do with this anyways. I asked a question. If you think I am wrong that is fine, everyone is entitled to their opinion. I strongly believe that. But why is it that everyone feels the need to leave a message when all they have to say is I am wrong. You really dont need to say anything at all. I honestly didnt realize I was considered such a bad person until now. Nobodys life is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Thank you to those of you who took the time out to say something that would actually help me. I really appreciate it. | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/4/2007 10:58:38 PM | | I don't know why you're unhappy in your marriage, but I do think that if you've made a committment to be with this man you should honor it, unless he cheated or there is any type of abuse in the relationship. I'm not saying you HAVE to stay with him forever, but you owe it to him, and yourself to try to work things out. I would suggest trying therapy, both for the two of you as a couple and for you seperatly. You need to find out why you're unhappy in your marriage and fix it if you can. And no half trying. You need to give it a genuine effort. My parents almost split up when I was younger but after going through therapy together and each of them going alone they are still together and couldn't be happier. All relationships hit rough patches, you just have to try to work through things. | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 12:07:03 AM | Here's where you are:
You are very unhappy.
He is very unhappy.
Your description of him has him in a state of clinical depression or being just purely manipulative. Possibly being manipulative because of depression.
You are comming across as codependant and passive-agressive. (trying to get your way by inaction/avoidance)
Reality says: If you leave (and he thinks its probably permanent) he'll crash and burn if he's in a depressive state. Unpredictable results, but nothing good will come of it. He might act very inapropriately seeking to "fix" things, but just make it worse.
You ARE in the driver's seat if he's suffering depression.
Depression is fixable, but living with someone suffering from it can be hard until its under control. (if it ever gets under control)
If he is suffering depression, the last thing you want to do is argue with him. Its simply won't help ANYTHING.
Got money problems too? He have problems with work? (or even lack of work) | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 1:08:04 AM | missie1819 ---I don't think you are a bad person at all...
BUT you don't sound serious about getting help for your own sake... ---IF you are unhappy here in your marriage ----Where will you be happy? ---Someone asked that & you didn't mention what you wanted out of life...
Asking questions is part of finding out the answers & if you don't want to go further ----even in this message board --- I can tell where the problem lies & will never be fixed if you stay like this....(address questions & answer if you would like some help ---& not just the easy ones that help support your feelings in the matter)....
You are NOT a bad person & I haven't seen anyone write such a thing --- OTHER than you don't really pait a picture of how or why you are unhappy ---
WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY? We all want to be happy but how can we get it & then hold on to it...?
You have to define it & then we can move on to that first... Complain about your husband all you want but I"m sure that he has a nice list about you too... AS any GUY would...
(are you perfect in every way? --Can you cook? Sew? Love your Job? what's going on?)...
Kahuna-
for the funny side:
I wouldn't be happy either if someone gave me a tattoo like that either ---It looks like you...& sat down in it... | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 2:40:29 AM | Hmm you have been on this site since........2003??? wow..........Just change your profile...
Help wanted....stepping stone..to get out of my marriage because I want to HAVE FUN...it's not fun to be married and have kids.
I want to be a teenager again and go out and party ..drink..smoke some dope..get high..................uh wheres the kids?....oh at my sisters house...at grammas house.........oh never mind about them.......let's get high...and HAVE FUN.  | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 2:44:19 AM | | This is what I see......positive reinforcements would be to join up with other women with kids and form a security blanket. Look for ways to occupy your life besides getting into a bigger mess than you can make it..........compromise.......compromise....compromise. | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 3:00:32 AM | Marriage always has its ups and downs seduction is learnt
this man was hyperventiating because he truly loves you
you should see a marriage counseller to work eveything out | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 5:18:04 AM | missie.....In order to get a direct answer, and some assistance from us, can you please tell us how long you have been married? This thread is getting so tangled, it's pushing me towards alcohol just to sustain myself.
If it is another guy, and not the gun guy, then from what I can gather, you have married too soon. This of course doesn't fix your problem, as you already know that.
If you don't want to be with this fella, then you HAVE to leave him. You need to sit him down and explain the fact that you no longer love him, and you made a mistake marrying him, and that's that. If he cries, let him be, staying with him whilst he falls apart, will only make things worse.
Most of us have been there and done that. He will go through many emotions when you leave him, and crying is just the first.....this is followed by self pity, then anger etc etc.
He's got to go through these emotions to survive the breakup. | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 5:44:59 AM | Missie,
Consider going to counseling for yourself. YOU CANT FIX HIM, NOR IS IT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO DO SO. You need to figure out who you are and what your needs are, before you are material for a relationship, with anyone. You need a person trained in this area to guide you, so you make the right decision, then handle the followup in the right way. That way you dont damage yourself further by making misguided decisions, nor do you hurt others, while you are figuring out who you are.
If it comes down to the fact you need to end this marriage, you will have the support of a trained counselor to guide you through the process and you will know you are making the right decision for everyone concerned. Good Luck...in working it out. | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 6:47:18 AM | Just finished reading this and the gun thread. That's a lotta reading!
I gather that your husband seemed like Prince Charming when compared to the ex with the gun. Perhaps this is why you fell for him and married him so soon.
Can't say the marriage was a mistake. That's like saying any marriage that ends in divorce is a mistake.
Fact is, you fell out of love. Ohh weeelll! Seems that would describe 99% of the people in this site, at least one time or another.
Most break-ups involve someone's feelings getting hurt. It's just the way it is.
Tell him it's over and wish him the best. | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 8:10:01 AM | | sounds like you probably shouldn't be in a relationship. It's not for most women. ie 70% of divorces are initiated by women and most for trivial reasons. | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 8:40:04 AM | | To the op...Do you love him? Well do you? If you answered yes, then I would suggest to sit him down and let him know exactly where you are with him, and what your contemplating. It's not easy to find a good man these day's. I hear what your saying about him not being around much, he probably does'nt look at it as you do. He most likely feels there is no threat in loosing you now that you wear his ring. Be honest, be forward, no Bs, just state it like it is. You then will hear the true him come out. Good luck sweetie. | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 9:03:19 AM | lol well if u are married then don't be afraid to put his pic on your profile to
also fill in the spots instead of saying " i prefer not to say " what do u have to hide nothing cus u are married
if he is a man he will talk to u one on one and u to will compromise and still be friends in the end ...........in all relationships its hard at first but u have to think what is best for u to ......
so is that why u are on here now u are un happy ? and u are already trying to look for someone else ?.........hun rebound is not nice either protect yourself ..............self care first | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 11:56:27 AM | Missie...you have done nothing wrong ... there is no such thing as a perfect marriage or relationship... if there are problems and you've honestly tried to fix them, and still things are not right...then, yes....there is nothing wrong with ending the relationship. Sometimes people grow in different directions and if you are not happy, chances are he's not happy either.
Sounds like you have tried and have seriously thought about everything, if you know you need to get out. Sounds like you've made up your mind. I think you WILL be happier if you do end it. Of course there will be crying involved...lots of emotions! ... but, he will be fine because I think maybe he wants it too..just cant get around to saying it himself. The first "cry" is usually the hardest, and looks like it already happened...it will still be hard, but it will be easier and he will get over it.
I'm saying all this from experience. I was with my ex for 13 years. We were together at a young age and in life people do grow, and if they are not in sync...then sometimes they are better off being apart. Ending our relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life so far, but it has proven to be the best thing for both of us! We are both happy with the decision and continue to be friends and even business partners. We know it is over, yet we still care about what happens to each other. It is kinda like a brother/sister relationship where nothing will happen romantically.
So, don't deny what you want. If you are not happy, then something must be done. You'll never know what curve balls life throws at you. Just learn from your experiences and grow from them. He'll be fine! | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 12:46:52 PM | 20luc
Missie...you have done nothing wrong ... there is no such thing as a perfect marriage or relationship... if there are problems and you've honestly tried to fix them, and still things are not right...then, yes....there is nothing wrong with ending the relationship. Sometimes people grow in different directions and if you are not happy, chances are he's not happy either.
HURRAY!! Finally a little sense! I totally agree with what you have put in your post!! While Im not entirely convinced the poster is totally genuine, I am genuinely amazed at the amout of small-minded opinion it has drawn. I know I shall offend a few people by saying this, but if we live in a free speech world then all opinions should be respected.
Unless someone is religious, then all marriage is, is a piece of paper, thats it. Yes I understand that to many people its much more, a mutual bonding and cementing of their relationship, but essentially all it comes down to is signing a document. And to say someone, anyone. should stay in a marriage that is unhappy, just to 'honour' it, is the biggest pile of self-righteous claptrap I have heard in a long time.
People get married for all sorts of reasons. some good, others not so. And equally people get divorced for all different reasons. Marriage does take work time and effort, and if you can make it work then that is truely a great thing. But life isnt all a fairy tale and sometimes no matter what effort is made or what therapy is sort, sometimes it doesnt work out. Life is like that, its not a strict set of rules for one person. Unless you are totally shallow, hurting anyone is NEVER easy... and certainly isnt the easy way out. I left my marriage of 7 years because I was unhappy, yet my ex-husband is a decent and good bloke. Should I have stayed with him just because of that? No I shouldnt. He deserved more than just obligation from someone. It hurt him (and me) when I left, but now we are good friends, he is happy with a new girlfriend and he understands why I left and agrees it was the best thing for both of us. I dont regret getting married or divorced, we were happy for a good long while. But people do change, life changes and people who were previously compatiable find they are not.
Life is not black and white, its very colourful indeed, | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 2:31:04 PM | | Ask yourself why you married this man to begin with. If for sure you feel it is not going to work, then he is going to have to face and deal with his pain and heartache. Next time don't be in a rush to marry. | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 2:39:37 PM | Don't let others make you feel bad. It takes two to make a marriage work and if your husband isn't listening to what you want or doing anything to mix the problem then maybe there is nothing you can do. ask him to go to counselling and if he says no then i'd pick up and leave........screw him if he crys, he didn't care when you cared. good luck and if you need to chat let me know.......trust me i've been there!
K | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 2:57:35 PM | I was married and now I'm divorced. We were both very unhappy in the relationship, but I wished we would of tried counselling. So we could of said we tried EVERYTHING.
You might want to read Dr Laura's book 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands'. You mentioned that your Husband does not want to spend time with you. Well there's a reason why he does that. So if you want him by your side, you have to make your time together welcoming, special and loving.
But if you tried everything and things still don't work out. Then leave and have a better life. You will not regret it, if you tried. Good luck. | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 6:53:12 PM | Well me and my husband sat down and talked tonite about everything, we decided that we are going to take a couple days apart and try and figure things out. I am hopin that when we are apart and he is not coming home to me then he will see what is missing. I dont know if it will work or not, but I figured it was worth a try.
And as for the person who was talking about me wanting out of this marriage to go out and drink and do drugs. That has nothing to do with it. I have not had a drink or anything since I was 20. I care about my kids and dont put them off on anyone. That was just rude.
And as for what I want in life. I want to be happy, that is what this post is all about, I just want to be happy. I am getting ready to start going back to school, and I am starting a new job. Hopefully everything will work out. I am trying to answer everyones questions the best I can. Everyone has an opinion, whether we all agree with it or not.
I love my husband and I am doing what I can to try and save what we had, and I truly hope this will work. If not, maybe this will get him to agree to the counseling that I have been trying to get him into. I hope. | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 7:02:01 PM | We'll ok i guess ..(good) but I was not your dam therapist; good, your getting your (shit) together. I know he's getting tired and this should never happen again. You need to love him; more, I mean more...than he loves you. Good Luck!
Ps. I'm just speaking from experience; i've got alot of you women. | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 7:15:08 PM | I stayed unhappily married to the same man for 25 years. Once there were children involved it just made it harder and harder to get away. It took me that long to do it because I was scared also. But I made up my mind one day that that was it and I did it. I realized that I couldn't stay because I felt sorry for him. I wasted my entire young adult life. I'm 51 now and just starting over. Don't wait, do it and get it over with. You are young and he will eventually get over it and move on.
You've got to find the strength in you to do it and get on with your young life while you still have a chance for a future happily with or without someone else.
Good luck to you. | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 7:20:26 PM | You want to save what you had... OK. There's a positive indicator that the relationship CAN be saved.
The recommendation of Dr Laura's book is good.
In many ways, the woman has more control over the success or failure of a marriage than the man does.
Sure, if you get stuck with a lieing cheater or a drug/alcohol abuser or a physical abuser there's good reason to get out and blame the guy for the failure.
But you saw something you liked about him, or you wouldn't have married him (I hope). What happened to that and why? (you don't have to post it, just think about it.) How much did you have to do with those changes occurring?
Yes, what most people want is happiness.
The US Constitution guarantees the right to persue happiness.
Its up to you to catch it. That means you have to chase it. That usually means WORKING at achieving it.
There's a song that says "a guy just wants a happy girl" (paraphrased) That song is pretty well right. If a guy's significant other is unhappy, he's not likely to be happy either.
If he can't figure out why you are unhappy, there's not much he can do about it. So never use the "If you don't know, I'm not telling" line. He wouldn't be asking what's wrong if he doesn't care and want to try to correct it.
Yes, thats a stereotype of how women respond when asked "What's wrong?"
But its more often true than not. And all that response does is frustrate the guy. | |
|
| Married!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2007 8:15:41 PM | Missie...You can love someone deeply, but you can't make them love you.....That's a hard lesson to learn. Lots of times the woman is ready to settle down, before the man is. When children become a factor, most women become more responsible, but some men never do grow up and realize what responsibility to a family is.
One person can not mend what is wrong in a relationship....unless both are wanting the same thing and traveling the same road together it will never work one sided. Marriage is not all fun and games and just taking what one person needs from the relationship. Its give an take and both giving more than they are taking from the other. Some people just never realize that.
Its good that you are planning on going back to school...women need to be prepared to be self sufficient and able to provide for themselves and their children, just in case they are called to do that by themselves.
Some times we are just too close to the problems to see the roots...and that is where a councilor can help us clear our heads and figure out what are the important issues....Whither he will go with you or not.....counseling can do nothing but help us sort out...the right decissions to make, since those decissions effect several lives. The support system can be invaluable...whither you go alone or as a couple. Good Luck and I only wish the best for all concerned. | |
|
Home
login 
